A Word On This #Pedorazzi Business

February 26th, 2014 // 37 Comments
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Yesterday, Just Jared and People magazine publicly blew themselves over their editorial decisions to join Entertainment Tonight in no longer publishing unauthorized photos or videos of celebrity’s children with obvious exceptions for red carpet photos and sporting events. (Although, People gave themselves some wiggle room by saying “news-worthiness” could override that decision.) Except all of this was nothing more than these outlets making it clear that they’re in the celebrity butthole tonguing business even if those buttholes belong to Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard. Two actors (applied loosely for the latter) who made a baby and then were shocked, just shocked, that the paparazzi would dare to keep taking pictures of them while they were holding it. Which prompted them to start their #pedorazzi campaign because they subscribe to The Kristen Stewart School of Oh My God, You Fucking Idiot. Why not equate the most heinous act that could possibly happen to a child – which barely anyone in Hollywood piped up about during the whole Woody Allen business – with digital photography? I understand the argument that these kids didn’t choose this lifestyle, but on the same token, their parents sure as shit aren’t choosing to take them out of it. Before they decided to bring another person into the world, these celebrities more than likely weighed the decision of having kids and exposing them to the rigors of their public life and felt that was still better than not having someone to put them in a nursing home. But like anyone who has a child, they quickly learned it was way harder than they imagined and instead of making sacrifices for their precious snowflake whose very life we keep hearing is in danger, they chose to stay in LA and cry and stamp their feet and demand reality bend to their will. On top of that, they’re comparing the sexual assault of a child to having a picture taken while getting inside a luxury SUV after getting Pinkberry down the street from the private school where they received the best education money can buy. And 99.9% of the time, the only reason they’re taking pictures of these kids – with the exception of Suri Cruise – is to get a shot of the parent. They’re not out there trying to score pictures of Bodhi Apple Copter or Lulabel Calrissian Song. They want Gwen Stefani in her mom jeans because her ass is fantastic. This has been, is, and will be the life of a celebrity which you willingly brought a child into, so suck it the fuck up.

On that note, here are The Superficial’s editorial guidelines for videos and/or photos featuring celebrity children:

1. Is there a horrible off-color joke to be made about it? We’re posting it.
2. Does the mom have awesome titties? We’re posting it.
3. A butt? We’re posting it.
4. Is the child in danger of being eaten/dropped/used as an ashtray by Britney Spears? We’re posting it.

Good talk.

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Photos: INFdaily, Splash News

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  1. Frank Burns

    I support the ban, because I don’t like kids. Does anyone, really?

  2. Blue Ivy upskirts or GTFO.

  3. Irish78

    Interesting rant, I’d like to add one thing. Celebrities who
    willingly sell pics of their kids. I noticed Kristen and Dax left them
    out of their outrage.

    • It's Always Sunny in Atlanta

      “First pics of (insert celebrity baby here) – People Exclusive!”

      So it’s cool that the Kardashians of the world make some coin off their kid’s pictures.

  4. Shayne

    This is beautiful.

  5. Zoe

    Not exactly shocking you’re a low level gossip site hoping to get bigger bc the bigger sites aren’t posting the pics.

    Also the THEY SHOULDN’T HAVE HAD KIDS! argument is the stupidest thing I’ve read today. Do what you want but own it, you freaking tapped out with that bs.

    LAME.

  6. The whole ‘ZOMG STOP TAKING FOTOS OF MY KIDZ’ schtick is tiresome. You chose a fucking career that puts you in the public eye *and* you get paid a shitfucktonne of money to do it.

    All jobs have pros and cons. A VERY WELL KNOWN con of being an actor or musician is loss of privacy. You make the choice to do it anyway, you deal with the fucking consequences like the rest of the world. Don’t like it? Go be a fucking accountant.

  7. Kourtney Kardashian Breasfteeding Swimsuit
    Commented on this photo:

    Kris Jenner must be livid that they aren’t going to take pictures of the kids.

  8. Morms

    Sorry, you’re wrong on this one. Kids should be off limit for anyone who’s not a total paparazzi whore.

    • hixey

      I agree kids should be off limits for celebrities to have. In fact kids should be off limits for everyone. There are enough damn kids already. Why are people still having so many god damn kids.

  9. Are you being serious? I can’t tell. If you are kids should be off limits. If you aren’t nice work.

  10. Celebrities complaining about paparazzi taking photos of their children is akin to taking the same children to the zoo, walking them into the lion cage, and whining about Mufasa doing a Roy Horn on the famous baby (true fact: famous babies taste 40% more delicious )

    let’s call these celebrities what they are, priveliged and entitled millionaires who COULD choose to live any lifestyle they choose…but they choose to immerse their precious children into the Hollywood cesspool, and then they have the gall to blame others for the result. And the result is having a photo taken??

    I know some of you will say “buy hey, McFeely…you just hate famous babies”. and it’s true…I hate those babies.

    • Swearin

      Let’s keep this in perspective here; Alec Baldwin hid the shit out of his daughter until she turned 16, and then he unleashed a sexy selfie-addicted monster.

  11. Kourtney Kardashian Breasfteeding Swimsuit
    Little Tongue
    Commented on this photo:

    You can already tell that this baby girl is a Kardashian just by looking at her huge butt, I bet she’s quite hairy too.

  12. No matter how many words you write on this, the only ones I see in this post are “butthole tonguing” and “Kristen Bell.”

  13. cmonreally

    The only thing offensive about this bullshit is that these two fuckwits decided to use “pedorazzi” in their retarded campaign, and it’s offensive that they think it’s clever. I hope someone questions them on that – I would love to hear their reasoning for trivializing such a horrible thing.

  14. mileycyrusis a slut

    Once again you have allowed your nihilistic pomposity to override common sense, either that or you are fearful that you will have nothing left to write stupid shit about, it they succeed in their efforts.

  15. Slash

    I admire your principled stand on asses and titties.

  16. Aaron J

    kudos

  17. Kourtney Kardashian Breasfteeding Swimsuit
    Mama Pinkus
    Commented on this photo:

    I can never figure out what exactly the Kardashians take vacations FROM.

  18. As a fan of Veronica Mars, it pains me to say this, but fuck you, Kristen Bell. You chose a lifestyle that puts you in front of the camera and a side effect of that is sometimes yor kids get caught by the camera too. They’re not there for your kid, they’re there for you.

    You have nobody to blame for this but yourself. You made your choice and you have to live with the consequences. The world doesn’t stop because you crapped out a kid. You want anonymity? Go work in a factory in the Midwest or something.

    I’m disappointed that you turned out to be one of those people who turn into hyper-protective assholes the moment they have kids.

    And do words have no meaning anymore? You used the word “pedo” to describe people taking pictures of your child. What the actual fuck is wrong with you? You’re now in the same category of asshole with Kristen “having my picture taken is like being raped” Stewart. Congratulations and go fuck yourself.

  19. I’ve come to the conclusion that we need to start having classes on satire, sarcasm, and wit. They could be taught online so everyone has a chance to tune in and be edumacated so there will be no more tirades against Fish. What say you all…?

  20. Johnny Barbells

    …i still think the lourdes leon stuff went too far and was kinda disturbing in a way …sure, she was spawned by the infamous kabbalah witch, but now she’s just a kid trying to liver her life, she’s not putting herself out there as any kind of celebrity or attention whore (unlike that little slut bindi irwin) …in my opinion; kids should absolutely be off limits, in certain contexts.

  21. lara_s

    Ouch, now Charlize Theron will have to leave her son at home every time she goes grocery shopping, or else the paps won’t take pics of her outfit-of-the-day.
    Come to think of it, the Beckhams will finally have to give their daughter a day off after carrying her around to countless events for the “awww look at these chubby cheeks” articles that inevitably follow…

  22. Erin

    I think anyone should have the right to have children without having to give up a job they love. So I have to disagree with the whole “go live somewhere obscure” thing. And the paparazzi’s methods can occasionally endanger children. And Kristen Bell wasn’t previously much of a media whore (unlike the Kardashians), so I understand her frustration at suddenly being hounded.

    BUT.

    Comparing it to rape is heartless and obnoxious. And plenty of celebs have found that if they allow a decent shot or two, non-scumbag paps will then say “thanks” and go on their way. Not that hard.

    Overall I haven’t found your page to be posting kids in a way that encourages “pedorazzi”-ism. So keep on keepin’ on. But don’t hate all breeders too much, we’re not all dipshits.

  23. Erin

    (And as for leaving kids at home all the time, even if you have 24/7 help and that’s an option, kids need to learn how to behave in public and buy groceries and stuff too, so sometimes celebs will be out with them not just to seek attention. You can’t hide a kid in a mansion for 18 years and expect it to come out normally.)

  24. Kourtney Kardashian Breasfteeding Swimsuit
    rican
    Commented on this photo:

    That is definitely more than a handful.

  25. Kourtney Kardashian Breasfteeding Swimsuit
    Commented on this photo:

    “One…annnd…two! OK, I’m good! In fact, I’m fucking beautiful. But I’m a Kardashian, so that’s no big surprise…”

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