Yesterday, Just Jared and People magazine publicly blew themselves over their editorial decisions to join Entertainment Tonight in no longer publishing unauthorized photos or videos of celebrity’s children with obvious exceptions for red carpet photos and sporting events. (Although, People gave themselves some wiggle room by saying “news-worthiness” could override that decision.) Except all of this was nothing more than these outlets making it clear that they’re in the celebrity butthole tonguing business even if those buttholes belong to Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard. Two actors (applied loosely for the latter) who made a baby and then were shocked, just shocked, that the paparazzi would dare to keep taking pictures of them while they were holding it. Which prompted them to start their #pedorazzi campaign because they subscribe to The Kristen Stewart School of Oh My God, You Fucking Idiot. Why not equate the most heinous act that could possibly happen to a child – which barely anyone in Hollywood piped up about during the whole Woody Allen business – with digital photography? I understand the argument that these kids didn’t choose this lifestyle, but on the same token, their parents sure as shit aren’t choosing to take them out of it. Before they decided to bring another person into the world, these celebrities more than likely weighed the decision of having kids and exposing them to the rigors of their public life and felt that was still better than not having someone to put them in a nursing home. But like anyone who has a child, they quickly learned it was way harder than they imagined and instead of making sacrifices for their precious snowflake whose very life we keep hearing is in danger, they chose to stay in LA and cry and stamp their feet and demand reality bend to their will. On top of that, they’re comparing the sexual assault of a child to having a picture taken while getting inside a luxury SUV after getting Pinkberry down the street from the private school where they received the best education money can buy. And 99.9% of the time, the only reason they’re taking pictures of these kids – with the exception of Suri Cruise – is to get a shot of the parent. They’re not out there trying to score pictures of Bodhi Apple Copter or Lulabel Calrissian Song. They want Gwen Stefani in her mom jeans because her ass is fantastic. This has been, is, and will be the life of a celebrity which you willingly brought a child into, so suck it the fuck up.
On that note, here are The Superficial’s editorial guidelines for videos and/or photos featuring celebrity children:
1. Is there a horrible off-color joke to be made about it? We’re posting it.
2. Does the mom have awesome titties? We’re posting it.
3. A butt? We’re posting it.
4. Is the child in danger of being eaten/dropped/used as an ashtray by Britney Spears? We’re posting it.