Paula Abdul has never been drunk, honest!

Paula Abdul claims she’s never even been drunk, telling Us Weekly:

“I’ve never been drunk. I have never done recreational drugs. Just look at my 20-year career. Tell me someone who is into partying and or doing drugs that could have done that. There have been 100 million lies about me. I’m squeaky clean. I’ve worked my ass off my entire life. (But) being involved in the show causes people to question everything.”

If you’re Paula Abdul wouldn’t you want people to think you were drunk? Like at all times? You don’t want people thinking that’s how you act sober. At least you have an excuse if you’re drunk. The only excuse you have sober is that you’re fucking stupid or there’s a tumor the size of a gopher growing on your brain.