Paula Deen’s Just Like That Gay Black Fellow Trying To Play Football

“I’mma call you Mammy, sugah.”

Because eight months has been a long enough exile for thinking black people dressed as plantation slaves are an acceptable wedding decoration – Or saying “nigger” once in the 80s to a bank robber, as this story will continually be spun. – Paula Deen has launched a $75 million comeback which has taken all of two weeks to blow up in her face because someone made the critical error of letting Paula Deen say words. Via The Wrap:

The celebrity chef has compared her struggles to those of the NFL’s first openly gay prospect, Michael Sam.
“I feel like ‘embattled’ or ‘disgraced’ will always follow my name. It’s like that black football player who recently came out,” Deen said in a People Magazine cover story, which hits newsstands on Friday. “He said, ‘I just want to be known as a football player. I don’t want to be known as a gay football player.’ I know exactly what he’s saying.”
In other words, Deen does not like being labeled a racist for a slur she swore she used a “very long time ago.”

Let me just make sure everyone’s on the same page here. Michael Sam received a backlash of criticism from the NFL itself, had Republican lobbyists propose legislation barring him from playing professional football, and basically had his own father disown him in the New York Times. All because he was honest about the way he was born and made a brave stance so that others might find the strength to stop hiding something that hurts absolutely no one. Paula Deen, on the other hand, faced large public backlash not for saying the word nigger once in the 80s, but for treating a race of human beings as props and thinking it would be perfectly acceptable to make them relive the most heinous period of our country’s history when they were owned like property. And that’s setting aside letting her brother sexually and racially harass his employees at the restaurant they jointly owned. So if you think that’s anywhere close to being comparable to coming out of the closet and subjecting yourself to the cloud of bigotry hovering over the NFL and America in general, what you should probably do is eat a box of ham-filled donuts until your arteries explode before you make the mistake of speaking to another person again and encouraging them, even in the slightest, to share the same shitbag thought. That’s how China ends up colonizing space first.

“Mama, how ‘dem fortune cookie people get up on da moon?”
“Boy, hush up, and eat your squeezy lard. I’m tryin’ ta watch Jesus-ball. SOOEY! TUD-DOWN!”

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