I Think Paula Deen’s Been Fired Enough, Everybody

The Superficial / June 27, 2013

In the past 24 hours since Paula Deen’s disastrous TODAY interview, she’s been fired by Target, Home Depot, Walmart and the diabetes medication Novo Nordisk which is just getting way out of hand. Target I can understand because people like me shop there so we can walk around saying, “Oh, I never shop at Walmart,” while farting in a brandy snifter. But if there’s an audience who either a.) fully supports Paula or b.) is too distracted wondering how their life is so shitty they’re shopping at Walmart, it’s Walmart shoppers. Not to mention, Paula’s cruise is so in demand right now they had to expand it, and where do you think those people are buying Hawaiian shirts and bulk bags of beef jerky from? Whole Foods?

As for Novo Nordisk, do you hate money? From a purely medical standpoint, if you’ve eaten just one of Paula Deen’s recipes, there’s a 97% chance you have diabetes already. Those people aren’t going to begrudge a sweet old woman who not only pumped them full of delicious butter lard with a butter lard glaze, but also went, “Here, sugar, take this pill ‘fore you lose that foot.” She’s a fucking angel to them. Unless, of course, they worked for her and were of a certain skin color that she made scramble for cash money for her own amusement, but c’mon, those people can’t even afford basic healthcare, amirite? The National Enquirer reports:

“After finishing the dinner rush on some holidays, such as Easter or Mother’s Day, Paula would lock the restaurant doors and hide money all over the dining room. Then she would bring the all-black kitchen staff in and encourage them to run around and turn the dining room upside down, scrounging for money.
“Paula would just sit back and laugh hysterically, as if her overworked, underpaid employees foraging for money was some sort of circus sideshow. It was completely demoralizing for those people barely making minimum wage, yet Paula howled as she watched.”

“When the Good Lord said to give money to the poor, I don’t recall him saying it can’t be fun. Now watch, sugar, I hid a dollah bill in the fountain and their kind can’t swim. Mercy me, like a cat in a tub!” *squeals with glee*

Photo: Splash News