Paula Deen’s Getting Fired From Everything

When we last left Paula Deen before bailing for the weekend, her company released a statement literally reminding everyone that Paula Deen is very old and from the South, so it’s really not her fault she’s a tad racisty. She also bailed on Matt Lauer and then began a very public tailspin in which she released a bizarre series of apology videos (after the jump) that started out as so blatantly scripted by a publicist you can literally see the edits when Paula flubbed the lines she was supposed to memorize to an off-the-cuff, unscripted Paula who wants you to bring her your darkies, your Jews and even your gays for she shall love them like no one has ever loved them before in her warm, buttery embrace. And just to demonstrate how well these went over, The Food Network not only fired Paula Deen but specifically cited the videos as the reason for it. TMZ reports:

According to our sources, her management’s clumsy damage control — backing out of the Matt Lauer interview and releasing multiple lame mea culpas — was the primary reason the Food Network pulled the plug on the celebrity chef.
We’re told the apology videos were the last straw — clinching the Food Network’s decision to drop the ax on her.

On top of that, QVC is slowly backing away from her, and Random House is contemplating pulling her upcoming cook book. Naturally, this has caused anger and confusion amongst Paula’s fans and Internet racists who think white people should be allowed to call black people niggers without fear of reprisal. So for those people, I’ve compiled a handy guide to help you navigate these deep-fried times:

How’s come they gotta fire poor ol’ Paula Deen just for saying “nigger” when y’all know she can’t help being from the South?

Well, for starters, this situation isn’t really about Paula Deen admitting to saying “nigger” in a court deposition. It’s about her unwittingly revealing her restaurant’s practice of discriminating against black employees. From paying them less, making them use a separate restroom, calling them “my little monkey,” letting her co-owner brother tell them they “have no civil rights here” and openly wishing she could decorate his wedding with “tap dancing niggers.” All of which I understand harkens back to a simpler, more regal time before the North made you stop owning people like property, but it did and you’ve had plenty time to get over it, so suck it up, Jethro.

Whatever happened to f’eedom a speech?!

Did Paula Deen go to jail for saying the word “nigger?” Welcome to the end of this transaction. Also, take note, that she isn’t being punished by the government, but instead the free market through precious job creators whose penises we must suckle tenderly and often lest America fall into the hands of Satan.

Black people call each other “nigger” all the time, why can’t white folk call ‘em that?

Get spayed or neutered. Today.

Paula Deen’s just bein’ truthful and showin’ character. Shouldn’t we applaud her for not being you one of PC liberal phonies?

Here are three videos of Paula Deen tossing her “principles” out the window so fast, that I will genuinely be amazed if there’s not a fourth of her shitting on the Confederate flag while swearing allegiance to The Lord of Light. “For the night is dark and full of terrors, sugar.” *lights stick of butter on fire*

Paula Deen Apology Video 1:

This was one was pulled from YouTube in less than an hour. I can’t imagine why.

Paula Deen Apology Video 2:

Paula Deen Apology Video 3:

Photo: FameFlynet