When comedian Patton Oswalt thought it’d be an adorable idea to take his two-year-old daughter to Mr. Bones Pumpkin Patch for some fall family fun last night, he clearly wasn’t aware that with the changing of the leaves also comes the whoring of the gourds. This led him straight into the path of Phoebe Price, a lesser known species of shaunasandicus flashavaginacus, prompting him to document his experience on Twitter:
Dear Gross, Over-Sexualized Reality Star Nobody Currently at Mr. Bones’ Pumpkin Patch, Posing for The Photogs You Hired To Come: Please Die
Seriously, this is a place for little kids and this mildew-ey swamp slut is treating it like an FHM shoot. I have no idea who she is.
This is so sad. She’s got some hag-like publicist throwing her toys to pose with. Dressed like a “sexy” pirate. Fuck. Off.
NO WAY am I taking a picture of this silicon-chested scarecrow. I DO want to gather some goose shit from the petting zoo & pelt her.
We’ve left. She’s still there, on top of inflatable skeleton slide posing like a goddamn spaz. Skeezy redhead. Don’t know name, don’t care.
The movie monster who scared me the most as a child was Pippi Longstocking.
If you think I’m following Patton Oswalt, clearly you’ve never read a single thing on this site. My last punchline was equating Tootsie Rolls with black penises. Do you know how many pictures of tits I’ll need to make up for that? 28. It’s 28. I have charts.