They Made The Patrick Stewart Poop

Captain Picard in a purple suit? BAM. You pregnant.

After the goddamn death machine that was 2016, way too many people have been deluding themselves into thinking 2017 is somehow going to be better even though there’s a glowing orange beacon screaming, “NOPE,” with its yuge anus mouth. So just to put that fairy tale to rest, here’s further proof that we’re rocketing into an intellectual wasteland where Patrick Stewart is forced to voice cartoon poop in a movie about tiny digital images that will soon replace the English language. THR reports:

Patrick Stewart is joining Sony Pictures Animation’s The Emoji Movie as Poop.
The Emoji Movie follows Gene (T.J. Miller), an emoji born with multiple expressions, who teams up with the notorious code-breaker Jailbreak (Ilana Glazer) on an adventure through a teenager’s phone.

Look, at the end of the day I know that Patrick Stewart and his agent both went, “Why yes, we’ll gladly accept money to make words come out of a literal piece of cartoon shit,” and I really shouldn’t come up with some sort of excuse where he’s forced to do it or Donald Trump will shoot LeVar Burton during the Super Bowl halftime show. This one’s on Professor X. All I’m saying is has anybody seen LeVar Burton lately? I mean really seen him. Phone calls don’t count.

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Photo: Getty