Patrick Stewart Needs Weed For His Arthritis, Jeff Sessions, You Dick

With the War on Drugs winding down, it’s become barely less difficult to arrest and ultimately shoot black people for whatever, and goddammit, America’s crusted butthole didn’t vote for Trump for that to happen. So on Tuesday, Attorney General Jeff Sessions announced that he’s tired of all of this wacky tobacky and doesn’t think we should legalize something that’s “only slightly less awful” than heroin. And, look, I’m not a huge fan of stoners because I barely enjoy conversations as it is without them being three hours long and about that time you thought your cat drove your car, but even I know that equating weed with heroin is a goddamn stupid thing for an attorney general to say out loud let alone base public policy on. Case in point, here’s Patrick Stewart talking about how cannabis helped his arthritis so much that he could finally form a fist that, God willing, he’ll start shoving into white assholes’ faces from the Rust Belt. Page Six reports:

“Two years ago, in Los Angeles, I was examined by a doctor and given a note which gave me legal permission to purchase, from a registered outlet, cannabis-based products, which I was advised might help the ortho-arthritis in both my hands.”
“This, it would seem, is a genetically based condition. My mother had badly distorted and painful hands. I purchased an ointment, spray and edibles. The ointment, while providing some relief from the discomfort, was too greasy to use during daytime and so I only use it at night. It helps with sleep as the pain was reduced.”
“The spray, however, is much more usable and I spray my fingers and particularly my thumb joints several times a day. The spray very quickly evaporates and leaves my hands quite dry, though with a slight burning or tingling sensation, which is not unpleasant.”
“I believe that the ointment and spray have significantly reduced the stiffness and pain in my hands. I can make fists, which was not the case before I began this treatment.”

Again, I’m not some sort of hippie asshole who thinks little kids should be dropping nuggets in their Lucky Charms, but Patrick Stewart is a goddamn saint who takes the time and energy to help curb domestic violence, foster dogs so they can find a good home, and is Patrick Stewart, so I don’t know what kind of soulless dick you have to be to go, “Eh, fuck his arthritis.” Then again, I have a pretty good idea where Jeff Sessions is coming from.

“Picard, you say? Wasn’t a colored fellow the engineer on that ship? Wore a visor?”
“Uhh…”
“That’s what I thought.”

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