Paris Hilton’s publicist must shit kittens a lot

April 2nd, 2009 // 98 Comments

Because I have more productive things to do with my time than follow Paris Hilton’s blog (Read: Huff aerosol), I completely missed this entry about Doug Reinhardt fighting a DJ who wouldn’t play songs that Paris liked. I’m not even joking. Here’s an excerpt that amazingly makes Gwyneth Paltrow’s GOOP read like it was written by Mother Teresa:

Just checking in to say hello and clear a few things up. I’ve been getting a lot of calls and emails regarding these subjects I’m about to discuss. First of all, last night at a club my boyfriend and I were assaulted for no reason at all. The DJ (I don’t even know his name cause he sucks so bad) was playing the worst music ever! I like certain techno music, but this was not even danceable and was frankly giving me a migraine. I asked one of my friends who runs the hotel if he could change the music and he said ” I’ll lead you up to the DJ booth tell him and he’ll play whatever you want.” So he walked Doug and I over there. I asked the DJ if he could please play Daft Punk or Bob Sinclair and he rudely snapped at me and was like ‘I only play this kind of music.” I think he was jealous cause Bob Sinclair is a far better DJ then this guy by about a million times. He was so unbelievably rude and all because I asked to play one good song. Then out of nowhere his bodyguard (don’t ask me why he has a bodyguard, like he really needs one. Ha) pushed me really hard, that’s when my boyfriend, like my knight in shining armor, stepped in and told the guy to keep his hands off of me. Then all hell broke loose, it was like something out of a fight movie, it was so frightening. I had never seen anything like it in my life. Doug was fighting off like 6 guys. But he was of course stronger then them all but one of the idiots punched him in the face and busted open his lip. There was blood all over, I cried I was so upset and scared. It was ridiculous and for such a stupid reason, I cannot believe people behave this way, like ainmals! FYI this is not in my nature to be in club brawls, I;ve never been around anything like that. It was totally unprovoked and thank God Doug was there to rescue me. A man should NEVER put his hands on a woman in that manner.

It actually goes on after that, but I got tired of trying to slit my wrists with my keyboard. Damn these stubby keys! Anyway, I posted this for the four or five people who actually think Paris is a decent human being. I’m pretty sure Gandhi would’ve read this then tried to hit her with his car. Twice.

Photos: WENN
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  1. angry face

    Aww I wanted to be 1st! Paris is lame.

  2. angry face

    Aww I wanted to be 1st! Paris is lame.

  3. OMG I love her dress it’s so cute :):):)

    Thank God Doug was there to save you.

    I love you Paris!!!

  4. feckless

    I have to agree with her on the ainmals being terribly frightening. One time I was trying to dig her “Love Is Blind” CD out of garbage dumpster to give as a gag gift and well, that isn’t the most defensible position and damn! an ainmal got me. My ass was sore for a week. They don’t use lube and the fact that they are now hanging aroung DJ booths is going to keep me out of the clubs.

  5. feckless

    I have to agree with her on the ainmals being terribly frightening. One time I was trying to dig her “Love Is Blind” CD out of garbage dumpster to give as a gag gift and well, that isn’t the most defensible position and damn! an ainmal got me. My ass was sore for a week. They don’t use lube and the fact that they are now hanging aroung DJ booths is going to keep me out of the clubs.

  6. titsonsnack

    Her nose is the most fucking hideous long skinny hook nose I’ve ever seen. This girl is not attractive. It just really hit me again after so long how unattractive looking she is.

  7. parker

    you people above me are idiots! Paris hilton is a mindless lying sack of shit. I can almost garuntee that the music the DJ was probably playing was helluva lot better than anything Paris Hilton wanted to hear, it was probably just too complex for her pea brain to handle. that fucking alien looking she-bat has awful taste in everything including her ridiculous sense of “fashion” any bitch could be “fashionable” (i think she looks like a tranny wearing macy’s best) if they had millions of dollars that they didn’t even earn (though i’ll give it to her that she used her bull shit name to make her own money, it’s completely undeserved) grandfather hilton disowns this whores ass. and she has no right to get HER way when it comes to music in a CLUB, unless it was HER club. why hasn’t some psycho killed this ugly no talent brat yet?? i would hunt her with a deer rifle if i lived in hell-ywood. i really, honestly, with every bit of me wish she would die. now THAT would be hot.

  8. Gwyneth Paltrow

    Paris, it’s “he walked Doug and ME over there”. You wouldn’t say, “he walked I over there,” would you? Tsk, I would never make that mistake at GOOP.

  9. Obama is a socialist pig. Oh, and a nigger

    Paris is so hot. But she would look hotter with my cock in her mouth.

  10. The worst part of it all is that the DJ was Samantha Ronson.

  11. The worst part is that the DJ was Samantha Ronson.

  12. willaitch

    her version is ever so slightly different from the reported .. check http://www.johnnyikon.com/articles/2891-LIAR.html

    Paris Hilton has been accused of lying over an alleged brawl that broke out between her, boyfriend Doug Reinhardt, DJ Steve Angello and security staff at a Miami party last night.

    The socialite’s people claim techno DJ Angello’s bodyguard pushed her after she requested a Madonna or Black Eyed Peas track halfway through his set, upon which her reality TV star boyfriend Doug threw a punch in defence of his girl, provoking an almighty bar brawl.

    However, Johnny ikon has spoken to Steve Angello’s publicist and here’s what they say happened: “He politely refused Hilton’s requests but she got more and more agitated, and it escalated pretty quickly. Out of nowhere one of her security guards smacked Steve in the face. Steve is a quiet guy, but he had to act in self defence and fought back. He started pounding on the guy and it suddenly turned into a full scale fight in the DJ booth.” They also point out a couple of holes in Hilton’s tale – such as Steve not even having a bodyguard!!

  13. humpinfrog

    “It was ridiculous and for such a stupid reason, I cannot believe people behave this way…”. Paris if your reading this, I agree. Us simple folk think you and your silly requests are “stupid”. We also CAN believe you “behave this way”. All those exit signs are helpful reminders, to you, on how to get the f*ck out.

  14. LOL! My best girlfriend had a wig just like Hilton’s when she used to be a stripper.

  15. LOL! My best girlfriend had a wig just like Hilton’s when she used to be a stripper.

  16. Courtney

    One day she’ll get it right and wear a bag over her face instead of those stupid ass headbands. Close, Paris! So close.
    And Id punch her boyfriend in his face too..he always has a hardass look on his face. Stop being constipated, Doug. They have meds for that these days.

  17. fah-q

    ok seriously… wtf!?!? Paris, her boyfriend, and her bodyguard beat up a DJ cuz he wont play her crappy music choice and it somehow gets turned into her needing her honor defended and her looser boyfriend beating up six guys all by himself

    Really Paris I think anyone who is slapping you is defending their own honor…. just fucking die already you stupid cunt

  18. Sofa

    Ok. First of all….The DJ was Steve Angello.

    Second of all this fight took place at the WMC (Winter Music Conference) an electronic music festival at which he is the equivalent of royalty.

  19. Lain

    She won’t get her big nose altered because she had claimed she has gotten no plastic surgery. If you notice a big change in her nose, then she’d HAVE TO admit it.

    Here are some images:
    http://www.makemeheal.com/gossip/images/paris-hilton-nose-jobs.jpg

    Paris fans will probably state that it isn’t REALLY Paris, just a good lookalike. (Yes, Paris is a brunette and uses custom blue contacts.)

  20. miggs

    “Ok. First of all….The DJ was Steve Angello.

    Second of all this fight took place at the WMC (Winter Music Conference) an electronic music festival at which he is the equivalent of royalty.”

    Actually the WMC site (god help me, i looked it up) says it’s “international dance music.’ so that makes Steve Angello the equivalent of a Royal Douchebag.

    The only thing worse than Paris Hilton is somebody who likes “international dance music.”

  21. SOS

    her boyfriend is so hot

  22. momo

    shes hot.
    I would be all over it

    And all you who are bagging on her are full of shit

  23. michelle

    maybe paris was watching the Hulk before she posted this. i really doubt her boyfriend was able to hold off 6 guys.

  24. Ted from L

    Do any of you remember the scene in Borat where the really big fat ass guy sat on Borat’s face? I’d like to see Kim Kardashian sit on Paris Hilton’s face and smother her.

  25. Stabitha

    Someone should illustrate this wonderful story. It sounds like it was hilarious.
    “Oh, Dougie, you’re so strong!”

  26. MosesGabby

    Look at the shlong on this focking skank’s face. Get a nose job bitch.

  27. Jewel

    I have a genius idea…if you dont like the music dumb bitch, leave the stupid club….

  28. Grammar Police

    Not that what she wrote was technically perfect, but her writing there was far, far better than what I figured it would be. I have a modicum of new respect for her. This is fortunate, as having less would be difficult at best.

  29. Lain

    #27, look @ my post. #20.

  30. farty mcshitface

    i thought i remember hearing that when she got out of jail she found god. does that mean god hangs out at shitty snob clubs for rich losers?
    and number #8 – if you ever got around to that, i would declare you a hero!

  31. her night in shining smeg smarmor came to her rekskew

    http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0006718/

  32. Holy Mother of.

    I can’t get those 2 minutes back…

  33. White Bread

    These two are so boring that they make Heidi and Spencer look like fun.

  34. 1moreidiotintheworld

    You were assaulted for a damn good reason… actually several:
    > because you are an insufferable cunt
    > because your foul tuna hole was stinking up the place
    > because everyone else there was threatening to riot if you didn’t leave
    > because the world DOES NOT revolve around you :o
    > because you just need the shit beat out of you anyway
    > because your boyfag needed his lip split open to drain the herpes sores
    > because your taste in music sucks worse than you
    > because……………………………………..

  35. paris is ridiculous.

  36. Papa Bear

    Funny, she doesn’t even know the right name of that DJ she thinks is so much better.

  37. Rhialto

    Hola!

  38. egbert

    Paris loves Bob Sinclar so much she can’t get his surname right.

  39. Satans Thong

    “Doug was fighting off like 6 guys. But he was of course stronger then them all but one of the idiots punched him in the face and busted open his lip.”

    This line made me piss my pants laughing.
    It’s like reading a fucking 12 year old retards diary.

    Anyway, those ‘six’ guys should be fucking beaten, they were paid to bust open Paris’ face. Not Dickless Dougs.
    Faggots.

  40. xtc

    actually it’s Bob SinclAR, without the “i” biatch

  41. OMG like this is the 1 time in 12 mths she didn’t get what she asked for!!! Prepare for planet earth implosion.

    Lift SP Reviews

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  43. Insatiable Peter

    Ahh, the sense of entitlement, disgusting personality, out of touch with reality, the IQ of the last shit I took. All the prerequisites for suicide.

    Cheers.

  44. dave

    a sluttier daisy buchanan

  45. JoeSchmoe

    Paris looks more and more like a drag queen. She is haggard…looks rode hard and tossed away wet. If she did not get so much media attention, idiots like this guy dating her would not give her a second look. Men use her to get into the spot light, and she imagines they like her bony ass and witch nose.

    She wants to know why the DJ needed a body guard…Umm, maybe to keep losers like her away? Her man looks gay anyway. Once he gets enough attention, he’ll come out of the closet and get a reality show.

  46. Drunkman

    So because YOU don’t like the music, it should be changed?

  47. mikeock

    I want to live in a time when we no longer give a shit what Paris Hilton says, does or fucks. A time when what she wears, doesn’t wear or blow is no longer news. This website thrives on the antics of Paris, Britney, Lindsay and the entire female payroll at the WB, and while we mock them, there we are still watching.

    I have shamed myself once again.

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