Paris Hilton v. Nicole Richie: War of the Cleavage

March 17th, 2008 // 56 Comments

Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie showed up at the DCMA Collective flagstore opening to support their men Benji and Joel Madden respectively. The girls brought out the big guns probably to draw a crowd. They’re gonna need all help they can get. I scoped out the DCMA website, and, after sending an axe through my monitor, I’m thoroughly unimpressed. It just proves the theory that if you allow twin douche-bandits to design their own clothing line, you end up with Hot Topic – but more retarded which I never thought was possible until today. We’re through the looking glass, people.

NOTE: In the battle of the boobs, The Superficial declares Paris Hilton the winner. She defeats Nicole Richie who should’ve tried a different look besides “Lactating Gollum.”

Photos: Getty Images, Splash News

  1. isitin

    You go girls……………………

  2. uglypeoplesafaris


  3. They are both average girls with a team of people that make them pretty.

  4. SuperLame

    Nicole’s dress looks like something I made in 4th grade

  5. mike

    Come on, in the battle of the boobs Jimbo is always the winner.

  6. peeps

    How dare you declare Paris the winner of anything positive.

  7. Harry Ballzack

    Neither one has anything that “Wonder-Bra” didn’t produce

  8. big teeth

    That website made me throw up my lunch.. Maybe God will have mercy on the world and drop a meteor on those cheesy posers…

  9. Ted Mosby

    Paris boobs are pushed up.

    Nicole’s boobs are because of getting knocked up.

    I call it a tie.

  10. Habib

    Paris is the winner in relative terms. It’s like when the Shia and the Sunni torture each other – one ends up with multiple small holes in his head from an electric drill, the other with skin peeled off and fingernails torn out. The second one is the winner because he can still beat a woman to death if she tries to learn to read.

    Too soon?

  11. hnb

    agreed. lame site.

    try this one:

  12. BarelyStearn

    ‘Milkers’ ALWAYS win. Advantage Nicole.

  13. Julia

    Nicole wins because milk squirting from your lactating tits during orgasms beats spiny insects crawling out of your vagina and into the guy’s urethra (Paris).

  14. Vince Lombardi

    Hilton only gets her boy boobs to jut out that far by thrusting her hips out further than her shoulders, knees, and feet. Her chiropractor must be exquisitely wealthy by now.

  15. sla

    Nicole’s cleavage wins. With Paris, what you see there is everything she’s got, the rest is padding and pushup (probably duct tape and baling wire too).

    Nicole is looking a bit ragged around the edges, and it looks like she has milk spots on the dress. White satin is always a dangerous choice, and an idiotic one if you have a baby and/or lactating boobies.

    Also, the world would be a better place if all celebrities who make peace signs for the camera were shot instantly. Paris, Nicole and Lohan — gone.

    Same thing goes for anyone who puts “peace pictures” on myspace unless they are 18 and under. (Children get a free pass on this — if we shot all the kids who do this, no more future generations.)

  16. Nerd Girl

    So, with all this positive attention on her weight gain and fuller figure (or at least non-starving figure), will Nicole go all the way back down to her underweight level before she got pregnant? And if she does what does that mean for all the people who think it’s “pressure to look good” that causes anorexia? You couldn’t hope for a more unanimous opinion about looking vastly better after GAINING weight in Nicole’s case.

  17. BarelyStearn

    …me see goobers…me like goobers…yum…please sir, may I have another…? Perhaps Kim Kardashian with a dash of Katie Price……

  18. BarelyStearn

    Nerd Girl = Too much deep thought and philosophical blather…Please relax, sit back, and drool… Thank you!

  19. Push them up and out, becasue this is as good as it is going to get. It is all down hill from here as your boobs will begin to drop to your knees..

  20. Tabitha

    They both suck so nobody wins.

    The both have no talent too.

    Paris is flat chested and Nicole is saggy because she hates to wear a bra.

  21. Cindy

    #16 – that’s all propaganda. Anorexic girls are about as neurotic as girls could possibly be, and it’s not because of magazines displayed on a newstand. As politically uncorrect as this sounds, it’s because of their overcontrolling and manipulative moms. The don’t-blame-the-parents argument doesn’t hold in this case. And, btw, Nicole will be underweight by the time the kid is 2 years old.

  22. woodhorse

    You cannot go strictly by the tits as eventually you will have to look up. Even though Paris has a wonk eye to rival that of Gary Busey, Nicole looks like a sleepy lemur. On to the noses: Paris has a completely repulsive Alice the Goon nose while Nicole’s nose is rather unremarkable. Ditto both their mouths are unremarkable. Extremities – even though Nicole is Olsen troll short, Paris has vomit-inducing tentacle hands and Jolly Green Giant feet. Wait, does it even matter that they have tits?

  23. Man

    “You cannot go strictly by the tits as eventually you will have to look up”

    No you won’t. No if you treat her right (poorly).

  24. jt

    glad paris is doing something meaningful with her life after her incarceration. not that buying a push-up bra isn’t meaningful. i’m just saying. anyway, nicole richie totally wins. she looks hot

  25. The White Urkle

    With Paris all you get is maybe 5 minutes of fun with those things. With Nicole you not only get a good 1/2 hour but a healthy snack at the end. Breast Milk….it does a body good.

  26. It was a very simple procedure…remove the fat from her head and put it in her tits. And Nicole’s, too.

    There’s more than a push-up bra involved…you can’t push up a concave chest.

  27. Paris’ is from a padded/pushup, while Nicole’s is baby induced… I’ll take milky over padding any day…

  28. BishOP

    Damn. Is it wrong for me to wanna just titty fuck them? Maybe with a bag over their heads? Oh..and no talking..and no touching. Of course before I started I’d have to get out the sanitizer wipes.

    God, I love breasts.

  29. Kingsley Amis

    Why do these skanks give peace signs? Does that make them hip? Are they “of the people?” The little one needs a skillet to the temples.

  30. i hate the writer

    the superfish dude is a catty dick sucking faggot who is useless.

  31. Janine

    Paris boobs are only due to a really expensive bra, excessive padding (chicken cutlets) and makeup painted on to look like the lines of cleavage. Nicole’s are all real, but I agree her face is scary. However, this is probably because she is up all night with her baby and gets very little sleep. Actually, never mind because she looked like hell before her baby too.

  32. I think her Jacket is a kind of contrary painted concepts. She keeps being on news every day.

  33. Look it’s trashy slut heiress Barbie!

  34. lisa

    She is so gorgeous. But I am very curious. Why did she post her profile on a celebrities and wealthy website named

    ” Celeb Mingle . com”.. What is she looking for there?

  35. NotBlonde

    Nicole Richie is whatever but Paris Hilton is nothing but a

    Useless, racist piece of honky, white-trash-with-money, uneducated, mouthbreathing slutiness with a rancid, herpes infested, saggy, salsa colored pussy.

  36. ....

    both ugly as wet dogs

  37. I’d hit that Double Donkey Punch style.

  38. Semen

    My semen just left my body at a high rate of speed.

  39. Blarg

    Oh for fuck’s sake, if it weren’t for Skeez Hilton’s money, no one would give a shit. She’s so desperate for attention that her new reality show is based on finding her a new best friend. Why? Because she sure as fuck can’t find one on her own. The sooner she gets all emo and ODs on something, the better. As for Nicole, she was too busy doing drugs to eat. Now she’s got a kid. Let’s hope that things have changed for her. For the kid’s sake.

  40. MJ

    Paris or rather the green-eyed monster,
    let Richie have another 15 mins of fame, it’s not like people will forget you.

  41. Mike

    She is cute and sexy. She is also my favorite. I saw her profile on millionaire&celeb dating site “”
    last week. It is said she is dating a young billionaire on that site now.

  42. isitin

    #2 Very gay……..

  43. Grunion

    The only way Paris wins is if her tits cover up her clown face

  44. Yes but more importantly, which one would win a punch in the fucking face contest?

  45. T

    Nicole looks great. Paris looks, well, like Paris (rolls eyes).

  46. Big-Jim

    Nicole wins this contest hands down. I mean, who doesn’t like a milf with nice tits!

  47. Paris Hilton looks nice. But take a look at her doggybag at my site.

  48. Fuckwads

    If Paris ever gets into blow that hook nose is goona clear out Columbia.

  49. titsucka

    NIcole got some big titties. Let’s call her Milkyway.

  50. Supercali

    Nicole looks radiant, beautiful…

    Has Been Hilton is pathetic (nothing new here) for even trying to outboob new mom Nicole.

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