Paris Hilton tries to help drunken elephants


Apparently elephants are getting wasted on rice beer and terrorizing parts of northeast India. Ah, peer pressure. Activists are trying to keep the elephants away from the booze and, in a bizarre twist, they’ve found a champion: Paris Hilton. Paris went on record in Tokyo last week about this tragic chain of events, according to the AP:

“The elephants get drunk all the time. It is becoming really dangerous. We need to stop making alcohol available to them.”
Last month, six wild elephants that broke into a farm in the state of Meghalaya were electrocuted after drinking the potent brew and then uprooting an electricity pole.
“There would have been more casualties if the villagers hadn’t chased them away. And four elephants died in a similar way three years ago. It is just so sad,” Hilton was quoted as saying.

So some elephants got a bit tipsy and tore down some power lines. Big deal. I do that all the time. Then I usually go home and puke in the vegetable crisper. Whenever the maid sees it, I’m like, “Maybe you should cook more vegetables then they wouldn’t look like that.” But the Jack Daniels label kind of tips her off. I gotta stop drinking the whole bottle. I don’t care if those kids on the playground keep daring me to. Although I really shouldn’t drink in the middle of their morning recess. Or at least move over by the sandbox and hang with the quiet kid. Sure, he might have a few too many imaginary friends and eats the sand, but, what really matters is, he’s not a cop. The end.

Tags: Paris Hilton