Paris Hilton prepares for prison, rape

June 1st, 2007 // 103 Comments
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Paris Hilton has ordered a hair and makeup team to meet her at her home 9 AM Monday so she can get done up and look her best for the media when she walks into prison. A friend tells Rush & Molloy:

“The timing is to make sure she makes all the celebrity weeklies. Paris is a genius at marketing herself. She managed to turn having a sex tape to her benefit, and she’s going to do the same out of going to prison. It’s not just about marketing, it’s about making money. If she can set up her entry into jail in a very grand way, the payoff will be greater … Paris doesn’t do contrite very well. She will be glam, and Paris is the queen of the prop. Expect her hair pulled back in a ponytail, big sunglasses and maybe a Holy Bible under one arm. And she just got a new kitten, so maybe she’ll hand that to her sister [Nicky] as she gets out of the car. There might even be tears.”

Paris has also decided to write a prison diary during her 23-day sentence, in hopes of publishing it upon release.

“Paris’ prison diary will make a more dramatic read than Martha Stewart’s. If she can make it believable, and not exaggerate too much, she might expect to make a million dollars out of it.”

You know, maybe getting all done up before entering a prison filled with lonely inmates might not be the best idea. After the mustached creatures they’re used to seeing, Paris is going to look like a lobster stuffed with filet mignon. And I don’t know if she’ll be able to find a publisher for her diary. There’s not a very large market these days for books filled with 23 pages of frowny faces.

superficial

  1. cunnybrook

    @46 Bern, outlandishly massive tits on your site today. is that the same chick as yesterday?

  2. i think she looks kinda cute!

  3. I think Paris is a HOOT – she cracks me up. I’d like to see her do just ONE calculus problem. Then she would know what feeling helpless really feels like. She is plastic.

    http://belleesprit.blogspot.com/

  4. bungoone

    53, not cool man!

  5. #46 – Bern, that one actually left a smudge on my glasses.

    Is ginormous a word? ‘Cuz if it is, the definition would be “See Bern’s DMBS.”

    Just outstanding work. Outstanding….

    AFJ

  6. P. Hilton

    @53 that’s hot!

  7. Kai0

    Hey.. do you think she qualifies as a gangster now?

  8. She’s so well prepared she already has a valentine ready for the person who does the cavity search.

  9. What’s bizzare is that “Preparing For Prison and Rape” was the theme to my Senior Prom.

    It’s a fact. You can look it up.

  10. #52 & #56 – Thank you very much. I work hard all week to find pictures of girls with massive breasts. It’s painstaking, but someone has to do it.

  11. Jimbo ?

    @61 Yes Bern another great DMBS. Did you get the note I left you on your blog?

  12. What’s up with the fingers on today’s DMBS?

    They are all gnarled up. Maybe from years of trying to hold those fun-bags in whlie hooking up the bra?

  13. Wait – how gay is it that I care about her fingers?

  14. whitegold

    Oh please. Her cell mate has already been arranged as some other lady who had a DUI. Not exactly someone Paris should be worrying about. And if you think for one second that she’ll be abused or mistreated…no chance that would happen. She’d make such a big deal about it and it would become such a serious public issue so quickly. The system will be on it’s best behaviour and treat her with as much respect and consideration as possible, considering she’ll be in “jail” and all.

    As for the book, it has that same appeal as a bad car crash. You don’t really want to look, but you just can’t help yourself. I have no doubt that at the very least I’d flip through a few pages in the book store just to see what it’s all about.

  15. yhalothar

    #7 wins.

  16. SkipSmith

    Rape rape rape rape rape rape rape rape

  17. srg

    why is she dressed like the unibomber?

    she will not even spend a full week in prison due to overcrowding. she’s already gotten time-off for good behavior and she’s not even in yet.

  18. HerpeHilton

    I heard the working title of the book is : “Me like go to jail and stuff.”

  19. Paul

    As a former slacking highschool student myself I know what a book that’s read looks like, and was a master at making my required reading materials look as though they had been used. If she insists on carrying those books around (which we clearly know she has never cracked, and probably cannot even read the title) she could at least try and make it look as though she even opened them. That close up of the books is the evidence!

  20. captain obvious

    Oh my gosh, this is too hilarious. Is she being serious, or is she really trying to make some last amends to try to appease the Lord so that she doesn’t get her ass reamed in prison? Either way she looks ridiculous and pathetic. And if I was her I wouldn’t be getting all fixed up to go to prison. I would say look as unattractive as possible when going to a place where there’s going to be a bunch of horny, manly lesbians. But then you know she’s going to be totally protected and treated differenly. Which I guess is semi fair because she is too famous; she’d get eaten alive in there…hmmmm…on second thought…

  21. Go away already Paris.

  22. RP

    If any of you are buying Paris’s converted Christian act, I have some Enron stock I’d like to sell to you, cheap!!!!

  23. T

    Im sorry but am i the only one who noticed it looks like she got a NOSE JOB in those pics?! Seriously look at the 8th pic.

  24. silentpyjamas

    i read on msn that she’s not going to be getting as much special treatment as it’s being speculated. i don’t know if this is true but i hope it is.

    on the other hand, probably the last time paris was in a 10 x 8 space was in a bathroom stall (a really giant one) and i know the prospect of spending 23 days in such a small space that reeks of disinfectant and b.o. would drive me insane. i have cheered myself up by thinking “hmm, paris hilton is going to be in the same room as someone anytime either of them goes to the bathroom.” i can’t imagine jail food is easy on the gastro-tubes so perhaps she will spend a bit of time fighting with her roommate over who gets the toilet after taco night. the thought is disgusting yet hilarious. it’s not as if she has much farther to fall…she hasn’t crawled between any hobo legs in an alley yet to make money for drugs…but let’s just give her time.

  25. yea, thatz right girl
    wear that cell phone out
    coz that shitz about to end…..

  26. wedgeone

    #68 – That’s “Unabomber”, and any amount of time that she spends in jail away from cameras and parties and shopping malls is good! Very good!!
    So long as she learns that she’s held accountable for her actions just like everyone is!

  27. wedgeone

    Can I ask why she’s wearing George Michael’s 1987 concert tour hoodie?

  28. Nora

    “There’s not a very large market these days for books filled with 23 pages of frowny faces.”

    haaaahhh

  29. Hollywood Agent

    Wow, I can’t wait to read her diary. I know it will just rival Anne Frank’s.

  30. imran karim

    she looks ridiculous

    imran karim

  31. CYM

    What r those books for…can she even READ!?!?

  32. two newz flazhez:
    #1). Tropical Storm
    party, we need a victim
    (Mia)to offer up to the
    sea…the stormz name
    is Barry…how fiting for
    U…

    #2). Seems the air in
    Rome is full of cocaine
    and pot…Hollywood should
    move there…Now we know Y
    the Pope is so freakin rich.
    Pop=piez……also don’t
    forget the money they made
    off of whiteboy slavery…

  33. lyrical kelbo

    jail food zaps the sex drive anyway
    Damn fool.

  34. Holly xox

    FUCK that shit! If it were you or me or anybody else I guarantee a harsher sentence. 23 days is a fucking joke. She thinks because she has a higher status that rules & laws shouldn’t apply to her. I did 28 days for my first dui ever, I regret doing it, but still if I violated my probation I’d do a helluva lot longer than 23 days!
    This crazy bitch thinks she’s untouchable. I hope her stay is total hell!

  35. An epidemic of herpes in prison! I can barely wait. :P

  36. lolol

    The words, “Paris Hilton” and “genius” in the same sentence..now, THAT’s a stretch of the imagination! She is dumber than a box of rocks and a narcissistic party lush. Any publicity is handled by her handlers, what a joke. Nothing about her is admirable. That was said by one of PH’s five NYC “free Paris” fans, I bet, lol.

  37. look how big her hand is holding that phone, it’s bigger than her face…enjoy jail..no matter how you look at it, it will suck for her.

  38. jmp13

    I think shes going a little overboard with this whole new found “faith” thing. come on paris, you’ve done every sin there is. no one is fooled

  39. Loreen

    I don’t understand why they want to be sure that nobody will make money with pictures of her holidays in prison when everybody knows that she plan to write (She can write?!? I’m not even sure that she can read…) a book about her time in prison and make a lot of money with it?!? Is she the only one allowed to make money? Seriously, she’s already rich..

  40. Victoria

    Stop using the same pictures in your stories! Half the fun is the pictures.

  41. Giomon_Rocks

    Blast off in 3…2…1

  42. your in jail,
    hahahhahahah!

    lookz like being
    rich didn’t stop
    u from being stupid..
    what a dumb bitch….

    enjoy…

  43. xxxxxx

    Let the little Paris go to Prison and get the same treatment as anyone else would doing her crime any special treatment is just so DAMN RIDICULOUSLY STUPID AND UNJUST!
    Everyone who commits a crime should just try become famous be4 they go in then guess as lil Missis Paris is getting this special treatment with her cell being ther for her and her not sharing one and the hour break for shower and phone call should be therfore available for anyone else No?

    Or therefore her crime is not fairly being punished and the law is being unlawful because what exactly makes a celebrity so diferent from everyone else is everyone not human? SHould she have a less stressful tym doing her punishment just cause she is Paris ?

  44. Ces

    @#33
    “Dress her up, dress her down, expose her poor fucking skills and her poorer intellect, insult her, arrest her, gang rape her in prison, doesn’t matter. Nothing’s ever hurts this bitch. She’s a goddamn cockroach.”

    *L*
    Yep. I love it too.

  45. cas

    well I like paris and i dont think shes nearly as stupid as most people think she is. She ficked up big deal shes dealin with it. She diserves to be in jail and serve her sentence and shes gunna hav a tough time in there regardless of wether or not she get a little special treatment. If you had her money then youd want to be reasured you would come to no harm. As for writing a jail diary i think this is a great idea, maybe its something that other people in prisons could do i think it would be an interesting read from paris or other inmates which hav served more severe sentences. shes got a brain and i think she uses to the best of her advantage! Why not try make the most out of it i would. i think people treat her harshly because they are jelous its not her fault that shes got money, but she has and she lives an extravagant life because of it. most people wont ever get to live like her so we will never really undastand. she should learn from her mistakes and move on. thats what we all have to do at one point or another in life. shes a person just like us at the end of the day she shits and gets sick crys and laughs. she just lives a different life then most.

  46. brian

    These comments have proven to me one thing – Satan exists. You guys will have plenty of time to get to know him in a few more years.

    Your pointless disdain for someone you don’t even know sickens me. Even worse are some of the things you wish upon her. There are a lot worse people to hate, so maybe you should sink your fangs into the flesh of terrorists. Spit your venom at hateful, mindless beings with a desire only to kill.

    Heh, if I didn’t know any better, I’d think I was talking about you. I can only hope that the fate you have wished upon Paris will come to you instead.

  47. rafa

    what a fucking joke! but we should learn and take advantage of the situation. maybe other police systems will learn that it is not so bad to receive money for freedom. maybe next time I get stopped by the police I can buy myself out of a ticket and court!

  48. Paris is a slut

    #97 fuck off

    paris is a lazy bitch who sucks random dick…….you mean that get you to heaven?

    LOL fuck you. Paris has not done a thing in her life that means an ounce of anyhting. She SUCKS at singing, SUCKS at “acting” and SUCKS alot of dick.

    Who the fuck cares about her? If that was me theyd say “your going to jail and thats it”

    Serve youpussy sentece and get out and move on you fuckgin whore slut.

  49. Miss Skyline

    34: Paris probably has no idea who Hitler is and she probably thinks Auschwitz is an amusement park.

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