Paris Hilton prepares for prison, rape

June 1st, 2007 // 103 Comments

Paris Hilton has ordered a hair and makeup team to meet her at her home 9 AM Monday so she can get done up and look her best for the media when she walks into prison. A friend tells Rush & Molloy:

“The timing is to make sure she makes all the celebrity weeklies. Paris is a genius at marketing herself. She managed to turn having a sex tape to her benefit, and she’s going to do the same out of going to prison. It’s not just about marketing, it’s about making money. If she can set up her entry into jail in a very grand way, the payoff will be greater … Paris doesn’t do contrite very well. She will be glam, and Paris is the queen of the prop. Expect her hair pulled back in a ponytail, big sunglasses and maybe a Holy Bible under one arm. And she just got a new kitten, so maybe she’ll hand that to her sister [Nicky] as she gets out of the car. There might even be tears.”

Paris has also decided to write a prison diary during her 23-day sentence, in hopes of publishing it upon release.

“Paris’ prison diary will make a more dramatic read than Martha Stewart’s. If she can make it believable, and not exaggerate too much, she might expect to make a million dollars out of it.”

You know, maybe getting all done up before entering a prison filled with lonely inmates might not be the best idea. After the mustached creatures they’re used to seeing, Paris is going to look like a lobster stuffed with filet mignon. And I don’t know if she’ll be able to find a publisher for her diary. There’s not a very large market these days for books filled with 23 pages of frowny faces.


  1. ali

    first! ;)

  2. Donkey

    Scientists where astounded today, after examining an x-ray of Paris’ skull and finding she doesn’t actually have a brain. Instead, the young heiress’ motor function is derived from a kitten chasing a butterfly.

  3. mmmm, jail showers! Either too hot or freezing cold water. Paris can use her plastic spork to diddle her twat with.

  4. She is going to need a team of delousers when she gets out of prison.

  5. sportsdvl

    #4, don’t you think she needs a team of delousers already?

  6. jakebarnes

    A $275 hoodie with the word “Faith” on it in medieval script? She must be a goddamn saint! I’m sold. Self-help books that her friends or extended family gave her? If books had feelings, those would be the saddest, loneliest books in the world.

    I hope they cavity search the fuck out of her.

  7. sparkles13

    She won’t learn a damn thing sitting in her special cell…put her where everyone else in this fucking country has to go when they break the law.

    I can see it already, bullshit survival story and some sappy fucking program on how ‘tramatized’ she is and how she’s been awakened to the error of her ways…god I hope at least one inmate gets to her and beats her privaliged little head in.

  8. Victoria

    Posted by booga1134 on June 1, 2007 10:04 AM

    mmmm, jail showers! Either too hot or freezing cold water. Paris can use her plastic spork to diddle her twat with.

    Sorry, booga1134, if she keeps her plastic “spork” after dinner and the guards find it, that is CONTRABAND, and she’ll be written up on a disciplinary report.

  9. Victoria

    Posted by booga1134 on June 1, 2007 10:04 AM

    mmmm, jail showers! Either too hot or freezing cold water. Paris can use her plastic spork to diddle her twat with.

    Sorry, booga1134, if she keeps her plastic “spork” after dinner and the guards find it, that is CONTRABAND, and she’ll be written up on a disciplinary report.

  10. Petite

    Who in the hell is gonna’ read her “diary”?

    I couldn’t care less what she writes, nor do I care what she “goes through” in jail. Good luck on selling that piece of garbage!

  11. bungoone

    what does she think is going to happen to her in there? she’s not doing “hard time” and what exactly is she going to write about?

    p.s. “friend” of paris, the only way she can make money is if people actually buy this stuff. i’m pretty sure everyone is sick of her skank ass by now. i hope.

  12. Kamiki

    She’s so phony she must really believe the hype that she’s fed that people love her, what kind of moron would be taken in by someone carrying around books about Spiritual stuff she must really undermine the public.

  13. The Superfish guy is on coke

    Their should be a prison sentence for anyone caught in the possession of that “diary”. And god help the publisher because we should go alquaeda on their ass for publishing it.

  14. Get the shivs ready ladies! Actually get the cement dildos ready. I hope she gets seriously plowed in there. I’m sure there will be a video and she make another couple of million for just sitting there and taking it.

  15. LaDrones

    She hasn’t made it past the frontispiece of one of those books she’s been carrying the past two weeks.

  16. Simon

    @ #10, I will read het “diary”! It will be the most funny book I read for a while.

    hihihi… I’m already laughing… hihihi…

  17. jenster

    im just glad this bitch IS GOING to the pokey; even if it is for 23 days. OH, I can’t wait.

    btw #2? a kitten chasing a butterfly?

  18. Chauncey Gardner

    Next on the Paris Hilton Show: Paris Joins A Convent!

  19. Carpediem

    Anything this bitch does, good or bad makes money! she can’t sing to save her own life and her “album” sells millions! We all know she can’t put two words together and her book sells millions! she has sex, the tape sells millions! Now she goes to jail and she gonna make money anyways! She could shit a blue turd and find a way to make money off of it!! Instead of jail time they should have sentenced her to never be fotographed again. Take that Paris, you cum guzzling, money grubing twatwaffle!

  20. Simon

    @ #13, [...]alquaeda on their ass[...]

    Al Quaeda means “Saint war”….

    Nothing saint in killing publishers,… only common sense …

  21. techclerk

    So who will have the better party? Paris when she gets out or Lohan’s Birthday?

    Could there be a schedule confict brewing?

  22. mrs.t

    God, she looks exactly like al the trashy little grits at the mall, only they are kicking her ass in the brains department. While she probably spent $1,500 on her giddyup, they got all of it plus a free sparkly body lotion at Delia’s for $34.50.

  23. techclerk


    I never heard that before. I thought it meant “the homeland” or ‘the base”

    Are you confusing jihad?

  24. Josh Lavarn

    “Paris is a genius at marketing herself. She managed to turn having a sex tape to her benefit”

    OK, she is a genius now? For what, being considered the biggest slut on the planet? Quite a meaningful achievement.

  25. Simon

    #23… yep you are right…. it is jihad… okay… let’s return to the base (or return to Al Quaeda) now.

  26. YouRang

    88 hours and 21 minutes. This is going to be great

  27. Who cares about Paris. I’m hungry, what’s for breakfast?

  28. Simon

    okay… read post #13, #20, #24

    Well now : “going Al Quaeda on their ass” mean going to the base on their ass….

    8| … nope, not going there.

  29. Simon

    #13, #20, #23 in fact… typo

    Now I stop spamming… promised

  30. Josh Lavarn

    This is the girl actually starred in Carls Jr. commercials, the ghettoest & grossest burgers on the Goddamn planet.

    That is considered more humiliating than her leaked “porn” tape where she just laid their like a dead corpse getting porked.

  31. titsonsnack

    Whatever, this is just going to be a fucking vacation for her, a retreat. Everyone knows that. The jail staff will be all googly-eyed starstruck over her, tripping over themselves to bring her food and shit while she acts dumb and talks like a baby.

  32. JungleRed

    Dress her up, dress her down, expose her poor fucking skills and her poorer intellect, insult her, arrest her, gang rape her in prison, doesn’t matter. Nothing’s ever hurts this bitch. She’s a goddamn cockroach.

  33. fag4eva

    Paris’ diary: “Dear log, today I had to get up at 7am! I even had to make my bed… I believe I have some how travelled back in time to the year 1915 and I’m in Auschwitz, and Adolf Hitler is being bad to me”

    Day 2: “2 prisoners were chasing after me so I thought to myself, why not use my anorexia to good use? so I stood sideways and I became a 2D image to them, they had no clue where I went…”

    Day 21: “I forgot the other days lolz”

  34. Crap Tonight

    Shouldn’t she have the hair and make-up team waiting for her on the way out instead – when she has to come out as a brown eyed, brown haired girl

  35. any chance she will be so distraught she will hang herself with the bed sheets?

  36. tinkerbelle

    I have a reminder to celebrate her incarceration day on my calendar. out of all of them though, she seems to not have chemical or substance addictions, maybe because her parents are still together. she is what she is.

  37. any chance she will be so distraught she will hang herself with the bed sheets?

  38. any chance she will be so distraught she will hang herself with the bed sheets?

  39. Judy greer


    You are a SICK ASSHOLE! Why would you wish that on anyone? WOMAN HATING JERK! Your karma is going to get you good you piece of shit!

  40. unsuperficial

    Great rape joke, asshole.

  41. Miserable Bastard

    Is anyone really buying into the new penitent image? Paris Hilton wearing a sweatshirt that says “Faith” and carrying around a bible & spiritual self-help books in front of the cameras is equivalent to Mother Teresa dangling antibiotics and a hunk of BBQ’d beef in front of some starving, cholera-ridden Hindu children in Calcutta, then yanking it all away and laughing under her breath with a sense of smug self-satisfaction while walking to her air-conditioned hut with indoor plumbing where, once inside, she kicks her dog, flushes the meds, cracks open a beer and has BBQ for dinner in front of the TV while watching lesbian porn.
    It’s just not in her inherent nature.

  42. bungoone

    40, you are right. but it’s not rape if she likes it!

  43. shot of reality

    It’s great that she’s actually going to lockup and all, but gimme a break, it’ll be a cakewalk, and maybe won’t even reach the full 23 days. Nobody who owns a battalion of lawyers (ok, her family does) is going to be mistreated in prison. The only reason that crimes like rape are routine in prison is that 99.9% of prisoners are poor, and have no financial means of forcing the prison system to abide by the laws that apply to everybody on the inside. The minute somebody lays a hand on Paris a lawsuit will be filed and the staff will be ground into the dirt (the employees aren’t rich either).

    It’ll be a cakewalk, and afterwards Paris will trot out a fake humbling/personal redemption persona that the media will eat up (they love those stories) until she fucks up again (they love those stories more).

  44. Anyone who buys her prison diary should be shot in the forehead and fed to feral cats.

  45. Simon Adebisi

    It’s not like she’s going to HBO’s “Oz” (huah!), but still, my advice for Paris: on the first day, pick the biggest toughest nastiest-smelling black girl on the cellblock, walk up to her and say “whatcha lookin’ at, monkeygirl?!” and reach up and ripe out one of her fallopian tubes and start eating it right in front of her before she passes out. Nobody will fuck with you after that.

  46. getyourhandoutofmycat

    Pff I’m sure it will be her writing the diary and not someone who can…well…actually write…because paris’ submission will just be a pop up book…with herpes scabs stuck on with chewing gum…and the word innosendhjkajce scrawled across the page in purple crayon

  47. sharpeidude

    #19 – It’s called FREE ENTERPRISE! I can’t stand this blond piss stain either, but she’s not that dumb if she knows how to find buyers for what she’s selling. Try it sometime!

  48. do you do doodoo

    The real question is, how do we bring this thread back to coprophilia, like the last Paris thread? I imagine something about a prison stool pidgeon would work as a nice smooth transition…

  49. You never know – she might be stupid enough to try to have something (alcohol, drugs) smuggled in, and end up with a legitimate prison stay.

Leave A Comment