Paris Hilton still wearing a bikini

Here’s Paris Hilton sunbathing on a yacht in Rio yesterday which I’m posting instead of the non-surprising news that Nicole Richie and Joel Madden got engaged after pumping out two kids. For the record, I’m not saying this was the smarter choice as much as I’m just narrating my life as it unfolds.

I look over to the box of Cinnamon Life, my muscles rippling in the morning light. Would this be a satisfactory breakfast or should I make Papoo, my indentured man-servant, fetch me an omelet? Sure, he’s only a figment of my imagination, but that doesn’t stop us from solving all those murders and letting the cops take the credit. It’s a thankless job we don’t like to brag about it unless it ends in free BJs from women who appreciate justice which I remain confident will eventually happen. At least once.

Photos: Splash News