Paris Hilton still alive, NOT procreating

June 6th, 2008 // 114 Comments

Anyone remember Paris Hilton? Anyone? Ha ha, just kidding. Who could forget all that herp? What’re you looking at above are pics of Paris and Benji Madden that sparked speculation she’s knocked up with a devil spawn. Fortunately, for humanity’s sake, those claims have been deemed illegitimate – like the child she’ll eventually have at a later date. Us Magazine reports:

The heiress, 27, sparked blog rumors when she wore a green satin slip-dress to Crown Bar in Los Angeles Wednesday.
But her rep tells Usmagazine.com reports are “completely false.”

Of course, one might say this is the product of rampant media speculation trying to drum up a story out of nothing. But we all know Paris wore that dress and went “Hello, baby rumors, I’m back on top!” So, to deflate Paris’ plans, I’m going with a different angle. The truth:

EXCLUSIVE: PARIS HILTON’S BABY BUMP EXPLAINED: ‘I SWALLOWED A BABY DOLPHIN’

You heard it here first. Now, quick, someone get Hayden Panettiere a club for the beatdown of the century: The Wonk. The Midget. SUNDAY!

superficial

  1. lizzums

    first?
    and who still gives a shit about paris hilton?

  2. lizzums

    and no, mike, I WAS FIRST, FAG.

  3. Deva

    Guess my prayers to the gods of herpes and AIDS aren’t listening. Drat!

  4. Kim Kardashian said paris’s ass looks like 2 shaved hambones in a ziploc bag. Oh…and I say fuck Obama (curious george osama) Lizzums…hang a fly trap from your cooch ya skank!

  5. Deva

    I love when morons like #2 use the word NIGGAS. Shows the grammatical intelligence of your species.

  6. lizzums

    kim kardashians ass looks like cottage cheese when she doesn’t have an ass massage. so what are you defending? the girl with two shaved hambones or one girl with a huge pound of cottage cheese? and I already did hang fly trap from my c u n t. so far I’ve caught two mosquitos and three wasps. great job!

  7. FagsRus

    So that’s just a beer belly?

  8. nobama

    get a job deva

  9. robes

    she has a gunt

  10. gotmilk?

    correction – she will never be knocked up with a devil spawn simply because she’s a man.

  11. boo

    Are those detachable sleeves on that dress?

  12. Deva

    #5 I would appreciate it if you referred to Obama by his Full name:

    barrack HUSSEIN Obama – AKA, American Terrorist

    Thank you.

  13. Deva

    #9 where do you think i’m at right now?

  14. anna

    Congr?ts to her I wish her the best :)

  15. anna

    Congrats to her I wish her the best :)

  16. nipolian

    Alright….It’s friday and I have just shifted into fuck-off gear.

  17. You can’t get preggers by swallowing

  18. Auntie Kryst

    Uh oh emodouch is getting all worked up at the paps. A name like Benji, those faddish tattos, and a t-shirt with a skull on it, equals badass.

  19. Sheva

    Paris Hilton still yuck, her and her herpe.
    Obama is no terrorists. He’s just a Chicago machine opportunist who grew out of the corrupt south side where all his left wing friends hang.

    He’s not a terrorist, just a socialist-marxist who will leave Americans equally screwed with nothing but change in their pockets.

    He takes the bills for himself.

  20. Danielle

    I thought Paris couldn’t get pregnant because her uterus was ruptured during a friendly game of Monopoly last fall??

  21. hey #1 – apparantly you do since your life is so shallow you are excited about being the 1st to post about her!

    hey #2 – Words can’t even explain your level of doucheness. Makes us think you are really this Benji Madden loser on here looking for friends.

  22. nipolian

    I’m a little jealous of Benj…..I’ll bet all of Paris’ vag warts work just like a french tickler in reverse.

  23. Danielle

    Shut the fuck up already about ,Obama you whiney Caucasoiledinsects. Your asses have been up in the president seat for centuries, and the economy is still f’d up the wahzoo. Its about damn time for a change.

  24. Jackson

    I hate worthless no talent media whore Paris Herpes. It looks like she gained weight on her stomach.

  25. havoc

    I agree, its time for a change.

    That’s why I’m voting for the colored guy…..

    .

  26. Veroonica

    Oh my God 25it’s you, isn’t it. Imagine the honor of having Michelle Obama post on our little website! We feel so honored!

  27. her royal wonkness

    Her eyelids are droopier and droopier!

  28. caitie

    If she is with child then it was probably an immaculate conception. For Paris Hilton is the blessed virgin Mary of our time, and her child will surely be an incarnation of God, a prophet who will lead mankind to… whatever it is that Jesus did. Thats right.

  29. scoob

    I think Paris’ eye is smarter than #13

  30. Lara

    I shall never drink and party as hard as I did yesterday !! I am turning to GOD!
    oK, back to excuse for a human skank Hilton. You give woman a bad NAME. But than again so do I…Gosh I am confused! The drugs are not working anymore -HELP!

  31. PimpMammaM

    Wow! Paris ate something!!!!
    That’s what happens when you barely eat, and then finally eat something substantial. The belly will go back down after she poops.

  32. Lara

    At # 21 -WORDS OF WISDOM! -WELL DONE.

  33. Sheva

    Yeah and #25, you got into Princeton on affirmative action but you still don’t know how to spell whitey right.

    You are one angry unhappy Obamination biyatch.

  34. WOW

    #32 put.the.keyboard.away.

  35. spencer pratt im a fucking asshole

    Loving the super fake-bake oompah loompah orange legs with the pale face. Bravo.

  36. Lara

    the only way # 25 got into Princeton was to work at the kitchen cleaning dishes….

  37. Danielle

    Bitch please. Who was spelling whitey?? I said WHINEy, as in bitching and moaning. As in what your broke ass is doing right now.

    Sit Down.

  38. Danielle

    The closest you all will ever get to a college is using the restroom in one. Dumbass trailer fucks.

  39. Now that all of the excitement is over about Paris, I have a question for the Fish Dude. How in the HELL do you put Queen Latifah in a bikini in the “So Freaking Hot” section of the Superficial? Did some one poke out your eye balls? Did you go temporally blind? What the F is up??

  40. NY Ted

    Who is her little friend with the big boobs…???

    I ride her like Big Brown in the Belmont Saturday…!!!

  41. the chick next to her has a way better body. Paris looks like a 45 year old hooker

  42. Veroonica

    You go Michelle!

  43. Danielle

    Ok, Vewrongica, the name is ‘Danielle’, not Michelle. Jimbo knows me, ask it.

  44. Sheva

    We know Michelle said whitey. When she was hanging out with “minister” Farakhan as B. Hussein calls him.

    He may have dismissed Shrillary but soon when the word about whitey gets out, Obama will be throwing Michelle under the bus. The media will pardon his list of excuses as the multiple positions on Wright, Trinity “Black Liberation Theology” Church, Commie Terrorist Pal Ayers, and Tony the Convict House Buyer Rezko.

    Here’s Obama coming positions on Michelle, over several weeks:

    1. I had no knowledge of my wife’s comments.
    2. I was never around when she spoke badly about those “typical” white people
    3. Those remarks are against everything I stand for. (Please ignore my voting left wing voting record, especially on babies surviving abortion.)
    4. I can no more disown Michelle than my racist grandmother
    5. Sadly, I have come to a painful personal decision and will be throwing under the bus Michelle with my other 15-20 year shocking relationships. In addition, I will no longer discuss this personal matter.

    Now who is the illiterate bitch, #25. You just got pwned.

  45. Sheva

    We know Michelle said whitey. When she was hanging out with “minister” Farakhan as B. Hussein calls him.

    He may have dismissed Shrillary but soon when the word about whitey gets out, Obama will be throwing Michelle under the bus. The media will pardon his list of excuses as the multiple positions on Wright, Trinity “Black Liberation Theology” Church, Commie Terrorist Pal Ayers, and Tony the Convict House Buyer Rezko.

    Here’s Obama coming positions on Michelle, over several weeks:

    1. I had no knowledge of my wife’s comments.
    2. I was never around when she spoke badly about those “typical” white people
    3. Those remarks are against everything I stand for. (Please ignore my voting left wing voting record, especially on babies surviving abortion.)
    4. I can no more disown Michelle than my racist grandmother
    5. Sadly, I have come to a painful personal decision and will be throwing under the bus Michelle with my other 15-20 year shocking relationships. In addition, I will no longer discuss this personal matter.

    Now who is the illiterate bitch, #25? pwned!

  46. @45 Is this my buddy DanYELL? How have you been. I’ve missed you. Where have you been?

  47. Danielle

    Wow Sheva the Beaver, you trully outdid yourself. *handclap*

    Now run along, pop 3 Valtrex tablets, and then walk into oncoming traffic like a good little slutfaced hoebag.

    OMG. Jim?? I left this site because everyone else did. Where the fuck is Bitchport & Co. “I no longer go to Trinity either sweetums”. I transfered to a better school?? 3.7 GPA & all!! Ya proud??

  48. Bigal

    “Sheva” go screw yourself, or better yet go stick your head up Bush’s azz, you probably voted for him both times….nice job!!

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