Paris Hilton still alive, NOT procreating

By: The Superficial / June 6, 2008

Anyone remember Paris Hilton? Anyone? Ha ha, just kidding. Who could forget all that herp? What’re you looking at above are pics of Paris and Benji Madden that sparked speculation she’s knocked up with a devil spawn. Fortunately, for humanity’s sake, those claims have been deemed illegitimate – like the child she’ll eventually have at a later date. Us Magazine reports:

The heiress, 27, sparked blog rumors when she wore a green satin slip-dress to Crown Bar in Los Angeles Wednesday.
But her rep tells Usmagazine.com reports are “completely false.”

Of course, one might say this is the product of rampant media speculation trying to drum up a story out of nothing. But we all know Paris wore that dress and went “Hello, baby rumors, I’m back on top!” So, to deflate Paris’ plans, I’m going with a different angle. The truth:

EXCLUSIVE: PARIS HILTON’S BABY BUMP EXPLAINED: ‘I SWALLOWED A BABY DOLPHIN’

You heard it here first. Now, quick, someone get Hayden Panettiere a club for the beatdown of the century: The Wonk. The Midget. SUNDAY!