Paris Hilton really, really wants to be relevant again

October 8th, 2008 // 128 Comments

Because everyone thought Paris Hilton’s political ad was so effing adorable, she somehow roped Martin Sheen into helping her beat a dead horse then rape its carcass. If The West Wing going off the air didn’t effectively end Martin Sheen’s career, this thing put him out of his misery.

EXTRA CREDIT: While I was typing this post, I couldn’t help but think “Wow, Paris Hilton is literally just a diseased labia away from careening into obscurity.” Which is sweet justice considering, up until recently, she was the queen of undeserved celebrity. But now Heidi & Spencer are mugging like trained chimps for that title. So, here’s the question: If you had to choose between the Douche Twins or Paris, which would you rather see fall off the face of the planet while the other remains a “celebrity?” (And you have to choose or else something catastrophic will happen like, I dunno, beer no longer tastes delicious.) DISCUSS.


  1. Steve

    I like Paris. Please do not post about the other two anymore. It’s too much to look at their staged photos.

  2. shoe

    Could Heidi and Spencer use Paris as a weapon to bludgeon each other to pulp?

  3. Paris Burns

    Give me more Paris.
    Kill The douche twins.

  4. Billy D Williams


    The twins make my blood boil. Kill them first.

  5. blp

    That was fucking lame. So Funny or Die is just Die now?

  6. Ted Kennedy's tumor

    How about we keep Paris and Heidi and let metrosexual ass-hat what’s his name fall off the earth? At least those two are nise to look at.

    But if it must be one or the other, I’ll take Paris. It’s like voting for the President, you have to go with the lesser of two evils.

  7. DTs gotta go. Paris has proven herself to have a sense of humour, surprisingly enough. I like the Ads, they are self-deprecating, funny, and ‘her’ position makes more sense than either of your presidential candidates’ in terms of NRG self-sufficiency.

  8. steve

    If Heidi and Spencer died, I don’t think anyone would attend their funerals.

    People would attend Paris’

  9. Did anyone see South Park last night? All this rape talk made me think of it! It was a great episode!

  10. Jen Rec

    The Hills puppets look like plastic douche-bags. Especially Spenser. He’s a waste of space. At least Paris is kinda sweet.

  11. Big Ro

    Keep Paris. At least she is a source of humour.

    Tits McGee and that cocknuckle can fly the fuck out of here

  12. brill

    Keep Paris around.

  13. brill

    Keep Paris around.

  14. Bill Ayers – Department of Homeland Security
    Rev. Wright – Chief of Public Relations
    Christopher Dodd – Chief Financial Officer
    Franklin Raines – Banking Committee Chief
    Raila Odinga – Ambassador to the United Nations

    Yes, BO is this naive and stupid…..

  15. you

    I’m gonna going against the current here and vote for Heidi and Spencer, but really only because of Heidi.

    This is sort of like comparing apples to apples.

    They are all very annoying, but at least Heidi is fun to look at. In photos, Heidi wins the ‘would i hit it’ factor.

  16. AteIsEnough

    Making a decision like this is like deciding which tumor you wanna’ let grow…but if push came to shove I’d choose to save Paris. The douche twins REALLY have to be stopped. Can’t even stand to look at the phony shit photos anymore. I think they both need to get laid…because they claim they don’t do it…which supports the fact that Spencer not only LOOKS like a meatstick licker, it makes me believe he is (skin crawling)!! Douche-Twins otta’ here please.

  17. Katia

    Out with the Douche Twins!

  18. no more heidi and spencer

    i think my name says my opinion.

  19. Carter

    She’s really good at trying to sound like she understands political issues.

    Just a smidge too much eye shadow, though.

  20. Nestor the Child Molester

    Tough question, how ‘ bout we use the tranny know as Man – Guns Madonna to bludegeon them all to death

  21. duh

    Paris has become less annoying and more laughable. Those Spence and Heidi characters are just disgusting.

  22. Heidi and Spencer, hands down. Watching Paris is a morbid fascination, but Spencer Pratt? I want to smash him in the face with a road-kill raccoon.

  23. They say, even when you get old you still think like a tweenty year old,,,wonder if Martin Sheen secretly took some deep inhale sniff as she passes by…

  24. SAMDOG


  25. morga

    Pairs amuses me, seems like she could actually be funny, and is sometimes nice to look at.

    The Douche Twins have absolutely no redeeming value and have this extremely warped view where they think people actually care about them. Get rid of them.

  26. Mandita

    Death ti Spencer and Heidi!!!!!!!

  27. duh

    Paris has become less annoying and more laughable. Those Spence and Heidi characters are just disgusting.

  28. Mattio

    I openly wish death on all of them, but if I had to choose, I would say Heidi and Spencer. Paris will probably get AIDS soon anyways.

  29. Dana

    Please get rid of Spencer & Heidi!!
    They make me want to vomit blood!!!
    Paris Hilton is a worthless skank, but I would take her over the ‘twins’ any day

  30. seanababy16

    i hate the douche twins
    i also hate paris, but at least she’s more “real” in the sense that pics you see of her aren’t staged (or, if they are, they don’t look staged)
    speidi should die and/or disappear into oblivion

  31. Parker

    The Douche twins should be flayed with razors and tossed in a briny sea. I’d still fuck Paris in her bony ass but only in hope of leaving her incontinent so she wins this contest by a mile.

  32. spencer/heidi. They suck so much I refuse to put capital letters in their names.

  33. adeliza

    Heidi and Spencer must go. Actually Heidi must go. Spencer,,,mehhh
    But Heidi, that fucking cunt is so annoying she makes me use words like fucking and cunt.

  34. UK_Matt

    Paris all the way.

    1) She’s older than the other two, hence she will probably die sooner
    2) There is only one of her, so when she does die we will get a 100% reduction in asshat-ness as compared with a 50% reduction with the other two

  35. BigJim

    Ya gotta punt the douche twins if for no other reason that the day is coming when they are going to release a sex tape, which would surely result in the end of humanity.

    Once the Speidi sex tape hits the net, all of humankind will instantly choose to become celibate. This, however, will not be the cause of our demise as a species. Rather, God will see this tape and look down upon us and say, “That’s it, I’ve had enough of these dumb fucks.” Then he will nail the earth with his cosmic “SMITE” button to eradicate the douche twins, and the rest of the planet will be obliterated as collateral damage.

  36. Is it really a question. Paris gave us porn. What has Hedi done for us that exposed a nipple?

  37. The White Urkle

    I would love to shoot my load into Paris’ wonkey eye.

  38. Rant

    Paris is looking for the attention Tina Fey is attracting. However, Paris has failed miserably.

  39. JC


  40. Parker

    ohmygod I can’t believe someone like #33 there would give the spencer douche a pass. It’s people like that who keep these camera whores going. The douchebag spencer bitch is the enabler, can’t you see that? The other one is a dumbass blonde bimbo who can’t breath unless someone tells her to inhale. If you get rid of her only she’ll be replaced with another vapid douchebag and the torture will continue. They both have to go. Don’t swerve around one to get the other. Aim for both.

  41. Eddy

    Agreed. Paris at least seems vaguely amusing, can be funny, seems like she might be intelligent. Spencer and Heidi, however, are my two least favorite people on the planet and I would eagerly await their deaths. Um.

  42. sparklie

    im gonna have to go with keeping paris around longer.. shes just as fake but idk, not as staged as the ofhther 2 doofbags!

  43. sparklie

    im gonna have to go with keeping paris around longer.. shes just as fake but idk, not as staged as the ofhther 2 doofbags!

  44. Zoe

    I would rather have sex with Paris Hilton, sans the hazmat suit, than see another picture of the douche twins.

  45. v

    let paris live! at least she actually somewhat works more than those other two. they just make my skin crawl… but mostly spencer. ew.

  46. sophie

    oh god… i’d take spencer and heidi over paris anyday… just looking at her fucking face makes my brain decompose

  47. Rant

    I say away with Pratt and Montag. And I would pay money to see #22-Tina hit Pratt with a road kill raccoon. An unusual choice of weapon.

  48. livvi

    I’d much prefer Heidi and Spencer fall off the face of the earth !!!!

  49. Francesca

    Heidi and Spencer.

    I feel the world is a bit colder a place having them in it.

  50. Greasy Weezel

    I’d wrap it three times and do her twice …

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