Paris Hilton: Kim Kardashian isn’t fat

Paris Hilton, who, sadly, has no ass of her own, trashed Kim Kardashian’s gargantuan back porch on Monday. Here’s what Paris had to say while shocking the world with her uncanny metaphorical skills. InTouch reports:

“I would not want [Kim’s butt] – it’s gross!” Paris told a Las Vegas radio show on April 14. “It reminds me of cottage cheese inside a big trash bag.”

But then Paris inexplicably pulled a 180 last night and apologized to her arch-rival:

“I was just joking around and I made a stupid joke,” Paris tells In Touch exclusively. “I felt really bad afterward, so I contacted Kim and apologized. It was a silly thing to say. Kim’s hot!” Kim accepts the apology, telling In Touch, “Paris and I have been friends since we were kids and I’m glad she made the effort to say she’s sorry.”

I figured, of all people, Paris Hilton would have the fortitude to stand by her convictions. I mean, it’s not everyday she whips out a pearl like Kim’s ass “reminds me of cottage cheese inside a big trash bag.” I’m surprised after such a mental output, Paris didn’t immediately collapse and require mouth-to-mouth. Of course, if Benji were in the can, she would’ve died because DJ’s don’t get hazard pay. I know from my days hosting a radio show at a shooting range. It was called “WHAT? HUH? MAN DOWN! in the Morning.”

NOTE: Obligatory ass shot here. Let it never be said I’m not a bastion of traditional journalistic standards.