Paris Hilton is topless, possibly constipated

February 28th, 2008 // 388 Comments

Paris Hilton poses topless for the latest issue of 944 Magazine. I can’t tell if she’s trying to be sexy in these pictures, or really has to go to the bathroom. It’s like “Ooh, yeah, I’m Paris Hilton and I’ve got to piss like a race horse. Isn’t that hot?” I dunno, I guess – sort of. But you know what’s really hot? Drinking anti-freeze. I mean, wow, e to the rotic. And, hey, I’ve got some right here. You go first, sexy girl. Mmm, yum yum!

Photos: 944 Magazine, Splash News

  1. They couldn’t have photoshopped her skin?
    Especially her legs.
    So splotchy.

    Thats so sad.

  2. Paris Eater

    And – wow! #11 IS a retard! I was typing slowly so that he may understand!

  3. tylerdurden

    Why does she keep turning her knees in like that? Fucking freak.

  4. whatev

    eww spray tan. she’s or-to-the-ange. gross

  5. Um…Paris. Your jacket is about 3 sizes too small–give it back to Hayden now Bitch!

  6. Zane

    lmao@all the touchy Americants. Sorry, I forgot that you’re all very savvy about world culture. Just like your president.

    Quick, find Iraq on a globe.

    …oops, time’s up. Better not to look, anyway. You don’t want to upset yourselves. Here’s some Oprah to make you feel better (“The key is learning to love yourself”).

  7. PenisMightier

    #2: Agreed, giant space between thighs = skinny distgusting legs…..and might I add horrific looking knees.

  8. @50 Cowgirl, I thought it was a Smurf that came on her face..

  9. kh

    Oh those KNEES!!!!!

  10. havoc

    What is her purpose in life again?

    I swear to God, I don’t get it…..


  11. Yep

    I’d hit it.

  12. Cap'n Pickles

    Gee Zane. I know where Iraq is too. Just follow the foul smell of the unwashed and unshaven. When you get there, a vast, dry desert. Paris again! Damn Zane, you’re good! You definitely should comment more! You’ve gotta stop, son. I’m rollin’ on the floor here!

  13. Superficial commenters

    She’s too skinny!

    She’s too fat!

    Her eyes are too wide apart!

    Her eyes are too close together!

    Her nose is too big!

    Her nose is tiny!

    …blah blah blah

    …on and on.


  14. Veroonica

    We should start calling him “Zaney Zane” : )

  15. Banana

    I’m a big Paris fan and would fuck her without hesitation, but she looks bad in these pictures.

  16. Zane

    Cap’n Pickles your next funny comment will be your first.

  17. Auntie Kryst

    *Sniff sniff* Anyone else catching a whiff of someone from one of the “Them” countries? Ahh, it’s #56. We already found Iraq on the map. You are lucky we haven’t yet found your nation of surrender monkeys on the map.

  18. loard

    coked out praying mantis dressed in chanel. priceless.

  19. Donkey Ass

    Quite the airbrushing

  20. steve

    I’m a proud American, pickin’ and grinnin’ and puttin’ my car up on blocks on the front lawn, and I sure as hell aint gonna vote for a guy whose middle name is Hussein (are you fucking kidding me? have we lost our minds? I’d rather vote for Monica Lewinsky). But…I’m a high school teacher, and I have to admit that the “map” thing really pisses me off. Here’s what National Geographic found:

    Among 18- to 24-year-old Americans given maps:
    87 percent cannot find Iraq
    83 percent cannot find Afghanistan
    76 percent cannot find Saudi Arabia
    70 percent cannot find New Jersey
    49 percent cannot find New York
    11 percent cannot find the United States

    After that came out, I’ve tested my 12th grade students at the beginning of every year, and their results are better for locations in the U.S., but absolutely horrible for just about any place else smaller than a continent. It’s pretty sad.

  21. Spazz

    Typical anti-American rant there Zane. You left out how fat we are.
    You also failed to mention why you watch our movies, import our goods, visit our websites and wear our clothes. Die in a fire. Fag.

  22. @62 Cap’n Pickles, Are you telling us how to get to Iraq or Zane’s snatch??

  23. just me

    This is the funny thing about 66. I know I’m getting drawn into it, and should probably ignore him. I just can’t. assholes like him get on our sites to vent thier self hatred. The fact of the matter is, Zane probably lives in the U.S., or some european country. I’m geussing he’s middle eastern. Just geussing. He is one of those guys that talk a lot of shit, but when it’s time for some dying to be done, runs like a little pussy.

    Zane? Yeah, I’m American. Do I agree with our invasion of Iraq? No. You obviously think all americans are alike. I don’t think all Iraquis are the same. I think that’s the difference. The tolerance. If you truly cared about Iraq, Zane, you would get over there and help. That is, if you have the balls, which I don’t think you do. Maybe you could then stop typing like a little bitch.

  24. mamadough

    jesus, are you french #56? you are arrogant, you take yourself too seriously, and have no sense of humor.

    there are a lot of educated americans. it’s not our fault that the only thing that gets portrayed to the rest of the world is pretentious celebrity bullshit. and believe us, we are just as embarrassed by our dumbass president as the next country.

    just chill the fuck out, fix your beret, and have another baguette…..

  25. Zane

    I don’t even have to try – check out the accusations of me being “French”!!! Based on what? That’s the first thing you notice about Americans. People from other countries tend to be a little reserved, a little careful, slow to reveal opinions, until they have some idea of who they’re dealing with. Americans, though…mention one tiny political fact, and out spews their entire (small)world view. Never have so many people looked at so much available information and made their minds up based on…nothing.

    (psssst…hey, I heard that Barack Obama is trying to hide the fact that he was raised a radical muslim…I mean, just look at his name, that’ s all you need to know…pass it on…)

  26. Zane

    “If you truly cared about Iraq, Zane, you would get over there and help.”

    If you posted that from a computer in a hospital tent, or makeshift school room, in Iraq, then fine, point taken. Otherwise, how do you have the gall to say that yourself? Do you refuse to pay American taxes? No? Then you’ve help to pay for the destruction. Stop paying taxes, go over to Iraq, and try to get the American soldiers to stop terrorizing the innocent civilians. If you care.

  27. Paris is Worthless

    So she lived off slim fast before she took the pics. She looks under weight and my only satisfaction is she will de very despressed when she turns 30 ha!

  28. mamadough

    definitely french……you are the asshole that you are talking about. assuming that all americans have a small world view and that we’re all uneducated yankee fucking doodle all the time. please. think about how you view us before you get onto us for viewing others that way. you are just as bad as you claim we are. but thank you for the statue of liberty.

  29. Vote Democrat

    Next time people vote Democrat!

  30. Auntie Kryst

    “People from other countries tend to be a little reserved, a little careful, slow to reveal opinions, until they have some idea of who they’re dealing with.”

    Wasn’t that Chamberlain’s policy towards the Nazis? That worked out well for Europe didn’t it?

  31. What Being Easy Does to Your Body

    Looking at her thighs, she probably has AIDS.

  32. Nice pictures great girl ;)

  33. @75

    Exactly what in the fuck is a political “fact”? Seriously. For such a fucking arrogant windbag, you really are stupid. It’s political “opinion”. Jeesh. Dumn fucker.

    Am I jumping on you? Damn straight, Corky.

  34. Em

    Zane, seriously. You do realize that you’re commenting on THE SUPERFICIAL, right? You’ve pretty much shown that you embody everything you show disdain for by being on here in the first place. If you’re such hot shit, why not put it to good use, hmmmm? Or is it that all the edjumacated people in the country you hail from don’t want to play with a witless little wank like you?

  35. your mom

    HER CHEST IS CONCAVE. gain some weight, girl!

  36. fatso

    She is toe up.

  37. @75

    Love your mustard: )

  38. Zane

    “Wasn’t that Chamberlain’s policy towards the Nazis? That worked out well for Europe didn’t it?”

    Yes, it’s fortunate that the great historical scholar and leader George Bush learned from that mistake and made such a brilliant decision to conduct a unilateral invasion instead.

    It’s such a shame that there’s more to history than WWII. You’d be able to stand so tall otherwise.

  39. 23apples

    EMANCIPATED legs are fucking sexy… like when Abraham Lincoln emancipated all those legs during the Civil War era… sooo hot.

    Photoshop is also way sexy – it creates the illusion that her legs are totally emancipated. And I like that kind of thing.

    Alright I’m done with emancipating legs, I have a headache that only booze can cure

  40. Em

    Oh, and, Zane? At this point, I’d really like to know which country you are from? Because something tells me it’s not a country following the ridiculous demands you set up in #76. And something else tells me that you yourself aren’t about to fall in line with what you’re asking Americans to do.

    Keep digging yourself deeper. It must be nice to know just enough information about a subject that you can just keep talking out your ass about it.

  41. @75

    I don’t understand the problem with you people and water. a shower can be your best friend. Soap is so refreshing! You might even get laid, so you can stop coming on this site and being such a tool : )

  42. mamadough

    i don’t think frenchie’s noticed that nobody is calling g.w. dumbass great or even defending him. the majority of america does not support this war. but we do support the soldiers over there. and there is a big damn difference.

  43. kat

    hey comment 2 its emaciated.

  44. Em

    #92 – You nailed it on the head. You don’t have to support the war to support our troops. I hate to refer to Zane as “Frenchie” because I know plenty of educated, well-kept French people who aren’t douches (let’s face it, every nationality has douches) – but I’m sure that when his country (whatever it may be) goes to war, he doesn’t always agree with it…though I doubt he’s picketing against his troops…

    Check that. He seems to be that special kind of moron who probably does just that. Douche.

  45. Zane

    “i don’t think frenchie’s noticed that nobody is calling g.w. dumbass great or even defending him. the majority of america does not support this war.”

    Too bad you don’t live in a democracy.

  46. Jonaki

    Too tanned, too photo shopped, too gross.
    Slightly better than Hohan’s Monroe spread though.

  47. eurotrash

    wow spazz, way to be proud of your country’s country’s top exports are extacy and cheese… beat that!!

  48. Auntie Kryst

    @88 I would be able to stand taller? Are you talking about the couple decades prior to WWII when Europe nearly destroyed itself? I’m pretty ok with the good work we did there as well.

    Actually Zane, fess up. You’re American yourself. You are just still basking in that glow from your semester abroad right?

  49. Lowlands

    This skinny legged creature has lost some weight.She’s probably on a diet of liquid food,a dose of 25 millilitre a day.

  50. Em

    Zane – What a zinger! You’re right. We live in a Republic. Thank you for continuing to dodge the rest of the questions and assaults coming your way. Good one.

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