Paris Hilton is box office poison

February 11th, 2008 // 71 Comments

Paris Hilton’s movie The Hottie and The Nottie completely tanked this weekend. To be honest, I’m surprised it made more than $1.50. But, I’m no box office analyst. Fortunately the folks at Fantasy Moguls are and, like my fifth grade girlfriend, did the math for me:

The final count will show that the critically reviled comedy featuring the seemingly talentless Hilton has sold a meager $25,500 in tickets at 111 locations over the weekend. That’s only $230 per screen for theaters that were convinced to book this disaster. That means that, based on an $8 average ticket price, 29 paying customers showed up at each location over the 3-day.

Paris didn’t seem too concerned that her acting career is back in the shitter where God himself wants it. She unveiled her new line of shoes at Macy’s yesterday and signed autographs for fans. One woman even let Paris hold her baby. Why a social services SWAT team didn’t immediately secure the child is beyond me. At least I know, when this poor little girl develops an incurable diaper rash, her pediatrician will medically punch the mother in the face. Paris Hilton holding a child. Wow. Wasn’t there a barrel of toxic waste nearby? You know, something kid-friendly.

Photos: Splash News
superficial

  1. PoohEater

    Long neck and all, I would still eat her pooh.

  2. Hiton H8ter

    Paris Hilton is poison PEROID

  3. aeuwave

    i hope the baby had an STD test immediately after…. cute kid.

  4. JVM

    Thta’s a tasty bruise on her arm.

  5. ugh

    WHORE.

  6. Pat

    Isn’t it obvious by now? You will never defeat Paris. She has no talent, never has, doesn’t matter. She can’t be stopped. Say whatever you want, it makes no difference. Paris will always win.

  7. sicasso

    Apple pie? Check.
    Baseball? Check.
    Hot dogs? Check in her vagina.
    Paris Hilton? Yes.
    Paris Hilton holding a stranger’s baby and no one thinking they ought to intervene? Check your head.
    Paydirt. We’re in America.

    *wonk*wonk*

  8. D. Richards (Unfunny.)

    Not only is Paris box office poison, but she’s also poison for my libido! She’s like some fart flavored mushroom.

    Paris is so horrid looking. Like Medusa! Except the only part of me that’s not becoming stiff, is my cock.

  9. DennisTheMenace

    Most people are envious of her money! She was a lost soul for a little while, and is now doing some good. Plus she’s hot! Good for her… and good for her for not giving a crap if anyone went to her movie. She’ll grow up eventually, and I hope she stays sexy!

  10. Ruby

    That’s still over 3100 people who not only showed up for this, but also paid 8 bucks for it. Although to be fair: I paid around the same price for the movies Troy and Be Cool. When we realized that Brad Pitt and Orlando Bloom weren’t going to be enough to make that movie any more bareble, we pretty much got shitfaced during the break, and to this day I could not tell you what the rest of the movie looked like. With Be Cool we decided on pre-emptive booz and brought our funflasks. I can’t remember anything from 20 minutes into the movie. I hope the couple in front of us weren’t on their first date, because nobody in that theater was getting laid after that little fiasco…

  11. Mike

    I think she still beat out Jessica Simpson’s “Major Movie Star”, which opened in a handful of theaters only in Texas.

    There’s SOME hope for humanity.

  12. Debagger

    Why does this bitch still exist? Doesn’t God need to smite people this disingenuous?

  13. Jesus Tap Dancing Christ

    I’m certified to medically punch faces. It’s good work if you can find it.

  14. FFF

    The only give movie she’s been in is the one where she sucks and strokes that guy to eruption. Nice work.

  15. aeuwave

    i forgot to add: i would totally buy those shoes.

  16. aeuwave

    i forgot to add: i would totally buy those shoes.

  17. Debagger

    And by ‘God’ I mean anyone with an icepick or chainsaw; and by ‘smite’ I mean bludgeoning her face with previously stated objects.

  18. burn your underwear

    paris hilton footwear??????????????????????????????????

    Let me guess, they only come in size 14

  19. Gerald_Tarrant

    I think the headline should be “Paris Hilton’s Vagina is Man-meat poison”. Of course her toxic vag isn’t a story, but the fact that she can’t carry a movie isn’t one either.

  20. Johnny Fucktard

    Her feet – good gawd man, don’t look at her feet.

    I’m blind.

  21. Auntie Kryst

    @9 She is trying to do some good huh? What exactly would that be? Was it the time she was pitching a new reality show under the pretense of helping out Rwandans? Perhaps it was when she wanted to drum up sales for her champagne in a can under the pretense that some of the sales would be used to bring icebergs to drought regions? Fucking whore, she’s no lost soul, she has no soul to lose.

  22. It's penis nose!

    What parent would let Paris Hilton hold their child, that little girl would be safer in lion’s den, with a baby bottle filled with turpentine and a blanky made of broken glass and thumb tacs.

    Poor little thing she’ll be in intensive care soon, I hear Paris’s mutant STD’s are almost always lethal to anything that weighs less than 20 pounds ( Nicole Richie barely escaped death, that extra 3 pounds saved her life). Why do you think Paris always shows up to events with a brand new dog? Those poor little critters die within minutes of being exposed to her Hepiesimplex10trillion.

    Paris said on Ellen recently that she has like 30 dogs or some shit but, she failed to mention they are all buried in the back yard.

    “Fluffy princess head”
    RIP
    Wednesday march 8 2007 4pm – wednesday March 8 2007 4:32pm

    That’s basically the gist of all the doggie tombstones in Paris’ backyard.

    good news the little girl made a full recovery. Medics flew in a saintly beautiful virgin (no one famous obviously) to hold the child and thankfully it counteracted Hilton’s Huar cooties and the little baby pulled through.

    LESSON: Never let anything you care about near a Hilton. Boys, that means your penises.

  23. my comment

    What will this prostitute do when she’s old?

  24. rule

    Keep the comments short, losers. At this point, there’s nothing new in any of these Paris (or Britney) rants. You’re just clogging up the page, like the toilet after your girlfriend is done with it.

  25. Jesus Tap Dancing Christ

    #24 My girlfriend can definitely shit some bricks.

  26. b

    i am the queen of all poo…i want those pink shoes though.

  27. Cap'n Pickles

    At first I thought the caption read “Paris Hilton Fed Box Poison”. I got so excited I almost jizzed all over my monitor. Damned scratched up glasses.

  28. Movie Guy

    In that first picture her big round head and huge neck make her look like the main alien from Close Encounters of the 3rd Kind.

  29. Willah

    It’s a weird topic, but…I once dated this girl, great personality, great body/ok-face, pretty much as far out of my league as I could realistically shoot for. Everything’s going great. After a few months, we decide to take a trip, we stay in a hotel and…oh my fucking good god. My angel of a girlfriend has shits that smell like they come from the devil. Every single fucking time. She must have been holding it in all those weeks, taking a dump only when I left her apartment or vice versa, or maybe stowing some satan-steamer in a public restroom when we were out. But in the hotel, with lots of time and no other options…the worst part was not saying anything AND trying to get romantic, while the stench clinging to the room made me feel like I was kissing a colon. Long story short, I took a lot of “sexy pictures” of her during the trip (she loved it) then broke up with her when we got home.

    Wow, this comment’s so long it’s actually peeking out of the thread…

  30. samuel

    all i can say is … ouch.

  31. Catsy

    When are you guys going to stop running articles on Hilton? Every time you do, it gives her the attention she needs, and puts money in her pocket. So ..what’s up here?

  32. The Laughing God

    @15: I would buy those shoes to escape flood waters

    She has that bruise mark because she elbowed the mother to get that kid. After hold it it a bit, she thought to herself, “yeah I think this is just enough stem cells.” Unknown to the rest of the world, Paris is planning to look that way… forever.

  33. jeff

    the kid doesn’t look too thrilled to be held by paris.

  34. Tapeworm

    if by “box office” you mean “penis”, then yes.

    Her neck & head remind me of a lollipop. skinny little chicken neck with this big round ball bouncing around on top.

  35. mary jane

    hot and famous! people that hate her are jealous.
    she’ll be forever lusted after. and she’ll be even bigger than monroe and anna nicole after death! go paris!!

  36. jones

    35. you should try smoking your name. At least you’d be high and a loser….. instead of just a loser.

  37. feg

    what happened to the “Jamie Lynn spotted out of captivity” story? My system locked up & then when I refreshed it was gone. Did you pull the plug on it or is it me?

  38. @35 Yes Paris, please die so you can be more famous than Monroe and Anna..

    @36 I could not agree more..

  39. #35 – I say you test that little theory… if you can get the restraining order lifted.

  40. Veroonica

    That shoe is so shiny it looks like Paris just pulled it out of her twat. She’s like a keebler. Only with shoes.

  41. lexxi

    the people that actually went to see the movie either just wanted to see how bad it was going to be or got it confused with another movie. Or maybe they were just REALLY bored over the weekend. I am surprised it didn’t do worse.

  42. ipanema_is_schuyler

    BUT-at least her shoes look like real shoes, unlike those *shoes* from the giselle bundchen-shoe-line

  43. (*)(*)

    #29. Thank you for sharing that story. Now you’ve helped many people understand why they got dumped. Now I have a question for you. What if you dated a girl and she had the face of an angel, gorgeous long hair, perfect skin, lovely lean body, toned stomach, long legs really nice ass BUT very small boobs cute but realy small and nothing to write home about.

    My sister is the definition of this and she got dumped a few times in her life and it seemed very “oput of the blue”. Lets assume her shits smell like perfume (actualy they do) and she’s nice, generous and not annoying could it be that once the bra came off it was a big enough disappoinment for her to get dumped. She is convinced of this. I figure what can it hurt to ask the superficial crowd to answer. Really I have no idea but, I’m thinking she may be right.

    Anyone can answer this. Any thoughts or simmilar experiences?

  44. BritneyBrimley

    Until they make the big bird biopic her acting career is going nowhere.

  45. FCS

    #43 does she suck cock? Cause if she doesn’t thats a definite deal breaker.

  46. (*)(*)

    #45. I said she was generous, and she get attention wherever she goes. Practically gets asked out once a day. She ‘s that kind of everybody wants her gorgeous but, her small boobs are her achilles heel, in her opinion. I think why the fuck should it matter but I’m not a guy.

    Now quit it with the cocksucking questions and give me a real answer boys. Small boobs on a VERY generous godess does it really matter? Could it be a deal breaker? Oh she wears a padded bra, so maybe the false advertsing thing?

  47. Jethro Bodine, Mammoth Films

    What Hollywood needs is a revival of the Classics. Since we just lost Roy Scheider (a good actor), perhaps we can remake Jaws?

    We’ll have Tom Hanks play Sheriff Brody
    We’ll have Dennis O’Leary play Quint
    Zach Branff can play Hooper
    Paris Hilton can play victim #1
    Lynne Spears can play victim #2
    Lindsay Lohan, victim #3
    Britney Spears, victim #4

    And I know a way to save a TON of money on special effects…

  48. #46, look at Kate Hudson, she has no problems getting dates, and she is flatter than bologna!!

  49. At least the shoes are cute.

  50. (*)(*)

    #48. I know you are right there, I mean ugly nose buddy practically killed himself over her. BUT Hudson never hid her small boobs and plus you’re a girl so I expect you to have a level headed opinion. Anyway I was just curious what the uncensored opinion was. I mean buddy told us he dumped his girl cause she had smelly shits, I have always suspected this was the case with dumping people, it’s over somewhat small superficial things. Lame as it may be I married my highschool boyfriend so I don’t really have a clue.

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