Paris Hilton hasn’t done that many guys

January 8th, 2009 // 80 Comments

Because no sane person ever will, Paris Hilton is defending her own honor in the pages of Glamour where she claims to have slept with only a few guys and isn’t a walking stick of promiscuity:

“I’ve only ever done it with a couple of people. People make up stories, but mostly I just kiss. I think it’s important to play hard to get. Nobody wants the fake Prada bag – they want the brand new bag that no one can get and is the most expensive. If you give it up to a guy he won’t respect you. He’ll want you much more if he can’t have you.”

Okay, here’s the part of the post where I equate Paris Hilton’s vagina with one of those hazardous waste trashcans you see at the doctor’s office, but instead, I’m going to open myself up a bit and share a little experience I just had. This is a 100% true story. Alright, deep breath, here goes: Last night, I had a dream about Paris Hilton.

In this dream I’m carrying Paris through at least five feet snow up to this cliff. As we’re talking it turns out we were married at one point then quickly divorced, but now we’re off to a condo on the beach to “rekindle our love,” if you will. So, I’m carrying Paris and wading through all this snow to get to the top of the cliff which overlooks the ocean. There we’ll jump off then swim to our destination. Except the snow starts getting really high and I lose my footing, trip and start getting buried in the snow. That’s when I wake up.

I don’t know if any of you guys are dream experts, but I have a tumor, don’t I? Awesome.

superficial

  1. Uncle Eccoli

    Men aren’t going to respect you regardless, Paris.

  2. TJ

    She’s had so many dicks in her she’s got a colored pussy.

  3. Vince Lombardi

    So, under Paris’s logic (I know, oxymoron. Work with me.) that means the guy she made the video with is only one of a couple of sex partners she’s had in her whole life.

    Yeah, I know that shortly after I lost my virginity, I ran to Circuit City and picked up a nice HandyCam. That’s what I did. Brought it right home, spent the next 36 hours getting my lover to shoot enough heroin and drink enough vodka that she was okay with doing it on film, then taped myself doing things that I thought people who might be experienced in sex would do if they were on tape. Like me. A recently deflowered virgin.

  4. Oddly enough, I believe her. There is just something un-sexual about that woman.

    That said, comparing sex to handbags (or any other possession) is a pretty fucked up, objectifying point of view. It pretty much confirms my suspicion that she’s really not all that into sex.

  5. She’s a had more dicks in her than the annual Cheney Lookalike Convention.

  6. amanda

    She is such a deluded liar.

  7. Jim

    “Nobody wants the fake Prada bag – they want the brand new bag that no one can get and is the most expensive”
    ————————————————-

    Actually, Paris, I think they just want a bag that doesn’t have herpes.

  8. Ron Jeremy

    Not a fan of Paris, but we’re all sluts…who cares.

  9. Cranberry

    telling your dream….when you said…”There we’ll jump off then swim to our destination”…i thought you were going to say something like this..

    “We jumped off the cliff, but the pace was slow. I looked over to Paris and her vagina had become a built in parachute, slowly lowering us to our destination…”

    A couple of people? Bullshit.

  10. please

    I don’t know one person who could relate to that handbag analogy. I wish I could steal Paris HIlton and force her to live among us “regular” people just so she can see how deluded and moronic she appears to be to the rest of the country.

  11. scabbeus

    When did she start therapy with Sharon Osborne?

  12. ha

    Even if she hasn’t banged more than her share, what does she think she is, a hero? Um, doesn’t she has have herpes? It’s like a diabetic wanting credit for not sitting around eating candy bars all day.

  13. Gargamel

    You must indeed be dreaming if you touched the firecrotch and didn’t immediately go Pew! Pew! Pew!

    You don’t always have all your faculties intact when you are awake, but you are beyond redemption when you are asleep.

  14. And by “only a few”, she must mean “only a few hundred”. She forgot to tell everyone that you should also give blowjobs on camera, because that is super respectable. Like a Prada bag…

    wtf

  15. Massa'

    She’s used up, and there aren’t any white guys left that would actually stick their dicks in that sarlac of a pussy of hers….. The only guys that are gonna want to fuck her now will be darkies. So she’s already destined to a life with animals. Quite fitting. If only she could lose all her money and be disowned, it would be funny to laugh at her while serving grits to her pimp while living in a shack in the projects.

  16. Sport

    nobody wants you – might as well be easy you scabby cunt.

  17. Gargamel

    You must indeed be dreaming if you actually touched the firecrotch but didn’t immediately say Pew! Pew! Pew!

    You don’t always have all your faculties intact when you are awake, but you are definitely beyond redemption when you are asleep!

  18. Gargamel

    You must indeed be dreaming if you actually touched the firecrotch but didn’t immediately say Pew! Pew! Pew!

    You don’t always have all your faculties intact when you are awake, but you are definitely beyond redemption when you are asleep!

  19. Bickus Dickus

    what a load. She’s been fucked more times than the middle & upper class have been fucked over by Liberal Marx-ocrats.

    I’ll bet that the serial-rapist Bill Clinton wouldn’t even hit that shit.

  20. frito

    If the Prada bag has herpes, I’ll stick with the cheap knock-off.

  21. frito

    If the Prada bag has herpes, I’ll stick with the cheap knock-off.

  22. FIZ

    DEAR SUPERFICIAL WRITER:
    You are lucky the snow saved you from a nasty herpe death.

  23. blp

    I believe her. When you’re close enough to see her massive man-hands and feet and you start wondering if it’s a he-she you’re not gonna get your dick out are you?

  24. blp

    I believe her. When you’re close enough to see her massive man-hands and feet and you start wondering if it’s a he-she you’re not gonna get your dick out are you?

  25. Mcfeely Smackup

    “If you give it up to a guy he won’t respect you. He’ll want you much more if he can’t have you.”

    I can’t believe in 200-and-fucking-9, women are still repeating this blithering retarded nonsense. You can keep repeating it for another thousand years and it still won’t be true.

    Having sex with a man has NO bearing on his respect for you whatsoever. He will lose respect for you if you have sex with OTHER men, but sex with him doesn’t enter into it in the slightest.

    He won’t want you more if he can’t have you, he’ll just have sex with someone else until you give it up. That DOES cause him to lose respect for you because it makes you look stupid to him.

    Chicks need to wake up, then grow up and join the real world.

  26. Julie Ann

    I think the whole sex with a couple of men only applies to the post-jail Paris…maybe..kinda…

    Because before that…yeaaah…she wasn’t foolin’ anyone.

  27. grobpilot

    Pic #2: Is that a post-kick-in-the-ass wobble she’s trying to recover from?

  28. Harry

    Most women are having carefree, no strings attached sex. Even the NY Times had an article that women in their early to mid 20s no longer date, but go out in groups then hook up with a guy. Somehow, this doesn’t necessarily equate to sex, but is a “hook up”. If you want the truth, don’t ask how many men a woman’s screwed, ask how many times they’ve “hooked up”.

  29. summernight

    honey, you dont only have one tumor.

  30. boo

    She knows she is safe saying this because no guy is going to admit hitting that.

  31. Cartman

    Paris has seen more dicks than an Army doctor.

  32. J-Dawg

    Looks like somebody’s working too hard! “Buried” in celebrity gossip?

  33. Mr. Jones

    I can tell she’s lying because her nose is getting pointy. Or does it always look like that?

    And her wonk-eye gives you a little of that wink wink nudge nudge.

    A “couple” people. *snort*

  34. bianca

    maybe you believe that she is worth saving / salvageable. that’s probably the nicest, most compassionate thought anyone has had about paris hilton in years.

  35. bianca

    maybe you believe that she is worth saving / salvageable. that’s probably the nicest, most compassionate thought anyone has had about paris hilton in years.

  36. dew

    @ #26 Mcfeely Smackup:

    If what you said was true, then why do so many people make fun of Paris for being sleazy (in addition to her shallowness)?

    @ #28 grobpilot:

    Hahaha!

    I can’t see anything in that photo that would cause her to be in that pose: no cracks for her heels to get stuck in, her ankles and heels are straight, so no twisted ankle thing. The best I could come up with is she’s digging at her thong.

  37. Borat

    Prada bag with only a few loads in it is not brand new Prada bag. Who want Prada bag filled with jizz besides gypsy?

    How about take few dumps in front seat of your pink Bentley and say car still have new car smell.

  38. Someone

    Paris Hilton hasn’t done that many guys, in one hour you mean right?
    She would be the queen of hoes If only she wasn’t too trashy to be a queen.

  39. Drunkman

    Great job analogizing your life to a Prada bag. Too bad opposite of fake is real…not new.

  40. Tiny

    Well – if you don’t have a tumor, you DEFINITELY have herpes now :)

  41. Randal

    This is really no surprise here.

    Paris has always been held in high regard because she has a lot of respect for herself and women of her nature can’t afford to be seen jumping around from one place to the next because her professional image would be ruined.

    Paris, don’t let the media paint you to be something you’re not.

    Randal

  42. dude

    I like Conan’s comment. He said she meant she only slept with two guys during that interview

  43. Dal

    @42 Don’t you think her “professional image” was ruined when a video came out of her giving a guy head and subsequently getting jizzed on?

  44. Seattle Girl

    Superficial Writer, I love you. Please don’t be tumorized.

  45. Pathetic Worm

    Paris is a bag. Straight from the horses mouth.

  46. natural wonder

    the problem with paris is she believes her own lies. paris had a lot of her personal items auctioned when paris failed to pay for her storage. i went to a web site that bought the items and she is shown with the gross girls gone wild guy nude with coke all over her tits. what chick that behaves like this has only done it with a couple of guys lol! and most people cant afford prada bags you rich ignorant bitch. and the people that buy the prada bags put it on their credit card and live in credit card debt because they are ignorant dumb shits.

  47. jrz

    hahahahah Rich!

  48. mytwocents

    yes paris show us how smart you are ..
    that anaology comparing women to prada bags ..genius..you are so smart

    LOL

    I’ve only done a couple guys would you like a medal that you don’t open your legs every date?
    Here is a shiny sticker

  49. Mcfeely Smackup

    ” 37. dew – January 8, 2009 2:03 PM

    @ #26 Mcfeely Smackup:

    If what you said was true, then why do so many people make fun of Paris for being sleazy (in addition to her shallowness)?”

    Dew, if that is your real name…, why don’t you re-read what I posted, and try to figure out why I think you’re an illiterate moron.

    How the fuck someone reads something and comes away with the exact opposite of comprehension, I’ll never understand.

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