Paris Hilton has no friends, throws weird parties

February 20th, 2007 // 112 Comments







  1. Celetina

    Is she trying to make love to that cake?

  2. Celetina

    Ugh, clicked “post” by accident—is she trying to make love to that cake? And boy, that’s a way to be sure you’re the center of attention for your birthday party: be the only one there. Why didn’t I think of that? Oh wait, I was too busy not doing cocaine and suckin’ dicks like a semen-powered Hoover.

  3. CourtneyJade

    this is just too bizarre. a pack of fucking MIDGETS leading around goats??!?!?!?! truth is stranger than fiction indeed.

  4. lustpockets

    Paris the Dancing Clown Slut

    Now available for childrens partys.

    Pony costs extra.

  5. fame is funny

    Reportedly she DID manage to blow all the candles. Unfortunately all the goats were named ‘candles’.

  6. mrs.t

    Go back and take a good look at those Man Hands. She’s giving Pink a run for her money with those giant meat-paddles.

  7. fame is funny

    I like how the guy in the next to last picture is all ‘her vagina is THIS deep!’

  8. misanthrope

    Um, is that a star and hand prints on her cake? Interesting. Midgets and goats, I expected that.

  9. Binky

    Apparently the goats and midgets were in one of those ‘Paris Exposed’ vids, but PETA started asking questions.

  10. I was there.

    I had a blast.

  11. fame is funny

    #10 I wouldn’t admit that. That’s actually sad.

  12. FSantos

    geez, paris hilton sucks.

  13. sid

    That poor cake.

    At least it has candles to defend itself with.

    Now I feel sorry for Iran.

    Fuckin’ people in the audience…idiots….they oughta be gassed.

  14. John Madden's gay bus driver

    I bet Matt Leinart didn’t even show up.

  15. iburl

    Pack of goats? If you didn’t think she was Satan’s spawn before.. well here’s your proof.

  16. John Madden's gay bus driver

    What??? You don’t know who he is??? Ever heard of USC, only just the greatestest ever college football program ever (yes, including Orenthal James)? PUSSIES!

  17. whitegold

    hey, I already “reported” on the midget/goat/monkey thing in the previous Paris article. Seriously, I’m now reporting on things before The Superficial?! That seems kinda sad given my lack of resources for celebrity gossip.

  18. Nsomniac

    This just in… Paris Hilton hospitalized for 3rd degree wax burns to her lips. Sources say she got confused when they told her to “blow out the candles”.

    – Jim

  19. whitegold

    #16 weren’t you a little premature in blasting people about not knowing who Leinart is before anyone even said they didn’t know who he is? Kind of like your premature claim that USC is the greatest college football program ever! But that’s a debate for a different website!

  20. aydien

    “More of Paris Hilton thinking she’s the shit at her birthday party after the jump.”

    Is is the shit… the one you can’t flush down the toilet no matter how hard you plunge.

    I wonder how much it cost to make all the homeless people looked groomed and pretend to be fans?

  21. bevontheroad

    #5 and #7, i’ve been reading the superficial for months but had no desire to comment… until now. i had to sign up just to tell you how funny your comments were.

  22. aydien

    * PS… I can spell at the level of a 3 year old apparently…

  23. woodhorse

    it’s getting lamer every year, huh, Paris?

  24. sid

    Meanwhile, somewhere in Hollywood, Thora Birch and her big fat NATURAL boobies are being ignored.

    YOU AND ME, BABY! Nobody loves ya more than Sid!

    I know you like to go shopping wearing crappy clothes, too. Maybe you even get drunk sometimes.

    Nobody else cares, but I sure do! Woo! Yeah!

  25. woodhorse

    let’s add this up: her natural hair is dark, her natural eyes are dark, she has HUGE HANDS AND FEET, she has a wonk eye and has had a nose job with cheek implants. Looking at her like that, she’s a dead ringer for Jon Lovitz.

  26. Libraesque

    party’s over, literally….finally

  27. Superevil

    By this time next year Bird Flu will take a backseat to a hybrid Human/Monkey herpes pandemic.

  28. LilRach

    Well she doesn’t look that upset about it

  29. EveryoneBugsMe


  30. BarbadoSlim

    I don’t really mind her messing around with fauna, it’s expected of her. But for her to sully the fine institution of midgetry erotica is just something I will not stand for.

    You’ve finally gone too far madam.

  31. grape

    3rd photo down- ‘if you have herpes and you know it clap your hands!’

  32. sharpei dude

    In the final analysis, the majority of people don’t give a damn about this swizzle stick-looking shitbag. I guess some folks are starting to wise up, so that tells me there’s hope for the human race.

  33. BarbadoSlim

    Yup it took a while but she’s reached running joke status.

    Her long run as a, “celeb” is/was 95% the fault of that monument to pure shit that is the fucking E Network.

  34. woodhorse

    #30 LMAO – call PETA. Poor Midgets.

  35. BarbadoSlim

    It took a while but she’s almost reached running joke status.

    Her long run as a, “celeb” is/was 95% the fault of that monument to pure shit that is the fucking E Network

  36. InstantAsshat-AddFame

    This is actually kinda sad. How delusional does one have to be to throw a party for oneself, with a cake decorated like the Hollywood Walk of Fame, since your own name, star, or handprints aren’t actually on it (and never will be!), and rent-a-friends? Look at the 2 girls on either side of camera girl in the 2nd pic–they’re thinking “Fuckin’ A, she’s a delusional bitch. I wonder if we’ll get free cocaine if we hang around long enough?”

  37. ponk

    on the left side of the cake… did they finally find a useful purpose for cisco adler’s balls?

  38. ponk

    ASSIE!!! where the fuck have you been, girl?

  39. diarrhea riot

    That’s one of Kim Kardashian’s specialty Cleveland Steamer cakes.

  40. RichPort

    I wonder just exactly what the faces of the salespeople look like when they repeat back to her “Uuhhh… size 11? You’ll have to shop on THAT side…” at which point they motion toward the tranny sizes being tried on by PuPaul and Dennis Rodman. It takes one stupid selfish friendless beeotch to throw her own party without any friends.

  41. grape

    Those ‘handprints’ on the cake are trying to emulate those from the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Small problem: they only give those out to talented artists who have worked hard throughout their career, who have real respect from the rest of the world and have made a real contribution to the world of entertainment. Last time I checked they didn’t have any spots free for filthy, gangly, disease ridden, coke-addled self promoting whorebags, whose reason for being here becomes harder to figure out every day. Nice try, slut.

  42. wedgeone

    Britney Spears has entered rehab AGAIN!!

    Breaking news NOT brought to you by the Fish, but by a dedicated blogger.

  43. RichPort

    So Britney’s finally actually in rehab… maybe she shaved her hair so they would have an easier time attaching the electrobes to her brain to get some electrical activity, being that it hasn’t been used in so long.

  44. misanthrope

    grape… I understand the midgets and goats, and even the monkey… but the cake is hilarious. She’s waaaaaaay off.

  45. ch474

    What’s more fuckedup? This diseased yak with paid hangers on, midgets, and goats, thinging that she is the star the universe revolved around … or Anna Nicole in scary clown makeup?

  46. grape

    Paris is scarier. At least Anna was in some way amusing.

  47. Libraesque

    WAAAAIT a second, is she packing a strap on???? wtf is that is pic 3 & 4
    SHE’S A TRANNY!!!!

  48. MrSemprini

    When I read “guests reported seeing Hilton play with a monkey while a band of midgets led a pack of goats around the room”, I thought, “Someone knows my secret shame”. I can never show my face to Paris Hilton again. At least, not until that restraining order expires. Whoops, gotta go, Sirens!

  49. woodhorse

    I WAS RIGHT!! (#23) in other news it was reported that the “goat said it was the lamest party ever”.

  50. grape

    piss off lisa

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