Paris Hilton shares her wisdom

As a devout Esquire subscriber, I can’t even describe my shock and horror to find out that Paris Hilton has infiltrated my favorite column “What I’ve Learned.” It’s akin to receiving a bitchin’ flatscreen for Christmas then finding out it only shows high-def videos of your parents doing it. Anyway, here are some highlights of the VD Bayou talking about herself:

There are definitely a lot of misconceptions about me out there. “Oh, she doesn’t work. She doesn’t do anything. She just gets money from her family.” That’s not true at all. I was up making phone calls at seven in the morning, and I’ll be working until 1:00 A.M.

I was the oldest granddaughter. Everyone was so excited that I was born, they would always take pictures of me. My grandma would call me Marilyn Monroe or Grace Kelly. Ever since I was little, it’s what I knew I wanted to do–be a blond icon.

Once I’ve worn a dress, I can never wear it again. I give them to charities and they auction them off to help people with breast cancer, multiple sclerosis, and AIDS. Some that are really, really special, I keep in storage for my daughters. They’ll be vintage by then. I think my daughters will love them.

I don’t think it’s fair for a child to come into the world and have to be photographed. They didn’t really choose that life.

The best thing I’ve ever bought with money is my house. I call it my Paris Palace. It’s beautiful. Every room has beautiful crystal chandeliers and amazing moldings from Italy. When people come over they say, “Hey, this looks just like you.”

Because of my last name and the way I look, some people think I’m a spoiled brat. But I’m not like that at all. I’m one of the most down-to-earth people I know out of anyone in Hollywood.

Things may seem to naturally come my way. But I work hard for them, too. I have good karma.

I don’t know if people will be talking about me that way when I’m seventy-five.

You may not be able to be hot when you’re seventy-five in a conventional sense. Like, young people won’t think you’re hot. But your husband will, and so will people your own age.

So, in summary, Paris Hilton actually believes she earned a mansion full of chandeliers with good karma and elbow grease and plans to remain unbelievably vapid until the day she dies. Which means I’ll be making herpes jokes until I’m 80. That fortune teller was right….

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