Paris Hilton shares her wisdom

December 18th, 2008 // 71 Comments

As a devout Esquire subscriber, I can’t even describe my shock and horror to find out that Paris Hilton has infiltrated my favorite column “What I’ve Learned.” It’s akin to receiving a bitchin’ flatscreen for Christmas then finding out it only shows high-def videos of your parents doing it. Anyway, here are some highlights of the VD Bayou talking about herself:

There are definitely a lot of misconceptions about me out there. “Oh, she doesn’t work. She doesn’t do anything. She just gets money from her family.” That’s not true at all. I was up making phone calls at seven in the morning, and I’ll be working until 1:00 A.M.

I was the oldest granddaughter. Everyone was so excited that I was born, they would always take pictures of me. My grandma would call me Marilyn Monroe or Grace Kelly. Ever since I was little, it’s what I knew I wanted to do–be a blond icon.

Once I’ve worn a dress, I can never wear it again. I give them to charities and they auction them off to help people with breast cancer, multiple sclerosis, and AIDS. Some that are really, really special, I keep in storage for my daughters. They’ll be vintage by then. I think my daughters will love them.

I don’t think it’s fair for a child to come into the world and have to be photographed. They didn’t really choose that life.

The best thing I’ve ever bought with money is my house. I call it my Paris Palace. It’s beautiful. Every room has beautiful crystal chandeliers and amazing moldings from Italy. When people come over they say, “Hey, this looks just like you.”

Because of my last name and the way I look, some people think I’m a spoiled brat. But I’m not like that at all. I’m one of the most down-to-earth people I know out of anyone in Hollywood.

Things may seem to naturally come my way. But I work hard for them, too. I have good karma.

I don’t know if people will be talking about me that way when I’m seventy-five.

You may not be able to be hot when you’re seventy-five in a conventional sense. Like, young people won’t think you’re hot. But your husband will, and so will people your own age.

So, in summary, Paris Hilton actually believes she earned a mansion full of chandeliers with good karma and elbow grease and plans to remain unbelievably vapid until the day she dies. Which means I’ll be making herpes jokes until I’m 80. That fortune teller was right….


  1. dianne


  2. dianne


  3. Kelly

    She is such an air Head!

  4. #

    ilu, paris

  5. dianne

    yay i got first. woo hoo

  6. >>>

    Paris Hilton is like an accident you can’t stop watching…

  7. blp

    Bitch has never done a proper day’s work in her life. Making phone calls? That’s not a job, it’s talking. If any Superficial readers make calls as part of their office job then stop reading this and get back to work! If Paris built schools in Africa I might have a tiny bit of respect.


    She’s starting to look more and more like Sarah Jessica Parker.

  9. Hmmmm. I thought I typed in, but apparently I ended up at Annoying, eh?


    She’s starting to look more and more like Sarah Jessica Parker.

  11. Spanky

    Everytime I think I loathe Paris she gives me
    a reason to fall in love with her again
    OMG-the first picture, get a load of her butt
    That is a cute little hiney, and she looks
    so pretty in pink!

  12. Parker

    haha. everyone was excited she was born. Now they hide their heads in shame. Read that again….she threatens to reproduce as well. Hopefully all the booze she drinks has made her sterile though.

    Eggs are produced in the liver, right? Or is it onions?

    I wouldn’t waste a load in her nasty butt if she paid me in cupcakes and krugerrands.

  13. Drunkman

    The best thing you’ve ever bought with money? You’ve used MONEY to buy things?

  14. p911gt10c

    Is she forgetting the only reason we know her name is because she sucked cock on video?

    Oh, and #1, you’re a loser.

  15. Jay

    Karma gets you an inheritance, I suppose. I guess all we have to do is get better karma and a rich grandparent will shower $300 million on us. RIGHT.

    You compare yourself to Grace Kelly, Marily Monroe. Please do us a favor get a mirror and see you for the fake blonde, fake blue-eyed, wonky eyed, person that you really are.

    You’ve never known a day’s work. Wearing pretty clothes and going to parties is not work. You don’t say you are the most down to earth person you know – that is for someone else to say about you. What a bubble you live in.

  16. Sabalon

    What – she didn’t learn anything about blowing a guy on camera, or not wearing underwear ???

  17. Spanky

    One thing that I have always wondered about Paris. Since I havent seen the video.

  18. jrz

    WOW. Where to begin?

  19. jrz

    Hey, on a more interesting subject…..did you all know that Jon Favreau is writing Obama’s innaugural speech???

  20. Nor Cal

    I like what she said. Just cuz she is a millionaire we hate her. I wish I was Paris all day long. Shopping for dresses that someday will make a diffirence, even if only in my perception all the while broke ass haters on websites (here) chug on hater-ade at me while I laugh with my puppy during my 4 hour long massage then it’s off to the private jet waiting to whisk me away anywhere my heart desires… Poor girl. Do you know she speaks 5 languages? She will end up the most accomplished one of all the empty shell chix in hollyweird. She has a good family unit, money for life, ability to learn from her lessons (she hasn’t been in trouble wihth the law lately) and is still a sucessful entertainer. her show is addictive and I like her on it. attack aubrey oday. that is a skank/train wreck. Paris has class.

  21. Rob

    Please God, Kill her. The hardest thing this bitch ever had to deal with was that cock on her sex tape. (she also looked like a VEEEERY boring lay)

  22. B

    “Ever since I was little, it’s what I knew I wanted to do–be a blond icon.”

    Damn, I didn’t see the “be a blond icon-101″ in the college course catalogue. How did I miss that one?

  23. p0nk

    @20, Paris, i didn’t know you read this site. Seriously, Paris speaks 5 languages? “Me ruv you rong time, joe” does not count as a language.

  24. supersex

    the way she looks???

    if i had a dog that ugly i’d shave it’s ass and make it walk backwards…

    stupid ass bitch, i wouldn’t nail that with fish’s dick

  25. missy

    DIE YOU STUPID WHORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  26. missy

    all i want for xmas is HER DEAD!


    What is the best part, is that fake ass bitch believes the shit she writes is fucking relevant. I truly wish someone would tell her, fat ASS Kim Kardashian, Heidi and Spencer to go the fuck away, they ARE NOT CELEBRITIES. FUCK QUIT MAKING POSTS ABOUT THEM.

  28. dork

    Oh, you all are jealous. She is a hottie. Love that tight little body. She is so elegant.

    I loved her in Zoolander!

  29. blinded

    I’m having a problem reading the posts because of all these rude ads all over this page.

  30. kerry

    yeah these ads are a tad bit annoying. but never as annoying as paris

  31. Spanky


  32. missy

    i hope she gets the aids


    Spanky…NEITHER, son, NEITHER!

  34. James Martineau

    You can’t declare YOURSELF to be one of the most down-to-earth people you know.

  35. fearsarewishes

    Ms. Hilton may have many things that money can buy, but one thing that she needs desperatly is a manager that would have stopped her from giving Esquire those arrogant, inane and deluded quotes.

  36. HuckyDucky

    “I don’t think it’s fair for a child to come into the world and have to be photographed. They didn’t really choose that life.”

    Statement…. so stupid… can’t….. < * head explodes *>

  37. Look at me. LOOK AT ME!

    #15: “You don’t say you are the most down to earth person you know – that is for someone else to say about you.”

    My thoughts exactly. Wonky eyes are the result of having your head crammed up your own ass for far too long.

  38. Spanky

    33 thanks for the answer . Does this means she is not a whore ?

  39. mee

    All the money in the world can’t get rid of herpes.

  40. What are the odds everything in that house is pink!

  41. herbiefrog

    the palace sounds like a fine place

    [can we say that?]

    …apparently we can : )

    …stay fast babe )

    over n out

  42. Some Girl

    Solid and undeniable proof that money can’t buy class.

  43. Camel

    God dammit I’d love to get her in the sack, fuck her so boring and gentle, then bazooka my load all over her prissy, stupid face.

  44. Almost there Paris! keep growing that booty

  45. Eric

    At least being pregnant is giving her a better butt.

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  47. She is my favorite. Just saw her on milllionaire personals site “”"” W e a l t h y D a t e r . c o m”"”"”" last week. I am wondering what kind of relationship she is looking for on that site.Is she single again now

  48. my comment

    This is the best she’s looked, well maybe..ever.

    She’ll end up as crazy as Michael Jackson one day.

  49. sup

    I agree with 20.

  50. justifiable

    #20 NO, we hate her because she’s a self-important, entitled, ignorant protected woman who’s never done anything worthwhile in her life yet still insists she’s a value to society and the human race in general. Please, that “you hate me cuz I’m rich” is old, just get over it. She’s accomplished nothing in her life – and FYI, not being in trouble with the law is NOT an achievement. Millions of upstanding citizens accomplish it every day; it doesn’t belong front and center on your resume, karmic or otherwise. The fact that that’s the best you can do in listing her achievements speaks to how pathetic she is. And it’s Natalie Portman who speaks 5 languages, not Paris.

    Making calls from 7AM on – is she implying she has a telemarketing job? Guess what, stupid, if you make up your mind to be a “blonde icon” and condiuct yourself accordingly, you WILL be photographed – just lie a good car wreck or the Hindenberg – except they’re more entertaining. Oh, the horror.

    She obviously never heard the saying, “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.”

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