Paris Hilton doesn’t know what “contract” means

September 19th, 2005 // 33 Comments

Hilton_and_Richie.jpgApparently, Paris Hilton has been walking around telling people that she still doesn’t know who her co-star will be in the new season of The Simple Life, despite it being abundantly clear that Nicole Richie is contractually obligated to take up the unenviable role. Meanwhile, as Paris Hilton traipses around Brazil with her pants on fire (possibly hanging from a telephone wire), Simple Life producers are trying to think of ways to get Hilton and Richie to appear together on camera.

Quite frankly, I don’t know what the problem is. Just tell Paris that she’s starring in the damn show alone, and then get Nicole to shuffle around sideways so that Paris doesn’t see her. Or fold Nicole up and put her in Paris’ purse. Or make Nicole lose a few more pounds, throw some mismatched designer rags on her, and tell Paris her new partner is Allegra Beck. It’s not like the Hilton girl has a degree in noticing things.

Oh, and the article also mentions how Paris was eyeing Gisele Bundchen’s ex-boyfriend because: a) God blessed her with an inordinate Gwyneth Paltow-level sense of entitlement, and she thinks she can follow Gisele; and b) she doesn’t realize that her fiance’s shipping tycoon/war profiteering/arms dealing/rich, rich, rich family could kill her as covertly or as noisily as they want, and nobody would notice or care.


  1. WTFweretheythinking?

    Or they could dress Nicole up in rags and tell her it’s Mary-kat Olsen… or which ever one claims their drug addiction is “Anorexia.”

  2. Jon

    Ctupid sunt.

  3. Penis McVagina

    Kate Moss should be her co-star.

    // I’d hit it

  4. sparkydingle

    I think they should drag them both there, force them to work together, and we’ll watch the fun as they both try to pull out each others ‘white girl weaves’

  5. CarCar

    Paris Herpes is a victim of circumstance. Put me in that family and give me a debit card and then sit back and enjoy the show. We’d all do the same shit.

  6. sugarplum

    Who wants to see another season of some dumb show with Paris Hilton all over again anyways? – They should just cancel.

  7. mac2048

    Good point,; why WOULD that twit mess about on a guy whose family could wipe her out as if she’s Jimmy Hoffa?

  8. celeb_hater

    Why the hell isn’t PARIS on Extreme Makeover? She needs it. I also think they need to bring back Celebrity Boxing and have the slut Paris box the slut Tara. That would be a huge pay for view draw!

  9. MrPloppy

    What about that guy in the movie she was in. You know the one set in a bedroom with the very cheesy dialogue. They seemed to get along really well.

  10. Tommy Cruise

    I think she should do some cocaine, take some anti-depressants to make herself look more like a man, and then she and Nicole could do a lesbian porno. Now THAT I would watch!! The Simple Life indeed! Or is it the Simpleton Life…

  11. Floyd

    Maybe she thinks its contract as in to contract another disease, and her brain just shuts down.

    Assuming her brain isn’t completely coked to crap yet.

  12. jon

    Why don’t people understand, Paris Hilton is the best movie star / porn star / fashion icon / plastic ever. I mean, she has cute outfits, doesn’t mind showing strangers her boobs and has a little dog in a bag.

    She’s girlfriend material, the kind you want to meet your mum. Infact, she’s the kind you want to be your mum as well, that would be cool.

  13. Steff

    They should let us vote and see who we want as her ‘sidekick’. Uhm Nicole Richie please.

  14. skitzodee

    I read somewhere the two are friends again

  15. I would definitely make love to both of them.

  16. I don’t care if Nicole Richie is losing weight, she’s still the smarter one.

  17. Minionated

    I wish Liv Tyler would eat her.

  18. goldilocks

    In the lesbian way or the cannibal way? I bet she’d taste nasty

  19. robinz

    Basically, Paris Hilton is a skank ass moron. That is all.

  20. Karl Hungus

    She should have Lawrence Taylor as her co-star.

  21. dollparts

    Nicole was the only entertaining part of that show….without her it’s just going to be Paris wondering around…commenting about how hot things are….Nicole was the one that got them into trouble.

  22. Gophergutz

    I think Kirstie Alley would make a fantastic sidekick. Who wouldn’t want to watch those two talk about their lives for an hour or so at a pop? Plus, Paris can give her some blow and knock those last few pesky pounds off of her in a hurry.

  23. stinkypinky

    It would be nice if the new show is called “Paris and Nicole- A Simple Cockfight” In it the two fight to the death in a cow field in Altus, Arkansas. The remains of both of them can then travel cross country by Grayline bus while millions of people cheer alongside the bus route.

  24. Nicole looks so good in that picture!

  25. jfive

    maybe we will get lucky and they will cancel the show….maybe we will get lucky and they will cancel all tv reality shows…lol yeah right and pigs will fly out of my butt :(

  26. Rundown

    I’d nail Paris in a second. She completely kicks ass because she has absolutely no apparent personality. Or thoughts for that matter. She’s like a very pretty aomeba. She’s ripe for an ATM.

  27. Penis McVagina

    jon you’re cool

  28. dollparts

    Rundown, that’s really weird…me and my girlfriends were talking about how a lot of guys tend to go for girls who have no personality….over ones that do. Physical aspects aside…would anyone like to make a guess as to why this might be true or false? I’d really like to know…

  29. Ms. Dilligaff

    I agree with Floyd. Paris knows what “contract” means…it’s just the *other* definition; you know, the one you hear at the free clinic. Not that I would know. :P

  30. CastIronBitch

    Alright, first of all, CarCar has the right idea, anyone with more money than god, who is skinny enough to wear that crap would do the exact same shit she gets up to all the time.

    (I would like to think I wouldn’t be stupid enough to get my sex tapes posted on the internet, but what do I know.)\

    On the one hand, the girl is dumber than a brick. On the other hand, she (or whoever) has somehow managed to turn that brick-ish-ness into a multi-million dollar empire in her own right.

    We can hate and hate and hate, but deep down, we’re pretty damn jealous.

    I know the current object of my affections would sleep with me in a hot minute if I were her…so yeah.

    Fucking ugly bitch.

  31. Queen LaQueefah

    I wish there was something witty I could say about the ever-loathsome Paris Hilton. Man, that girl is the personification of all evil qualities of mankind. However, if there weren’t people out there who thought she was the coolest thing ever, she’d be what she is worth: nothing. So forget her, and shame on all those girls who wear cowboy hats and have lebret piercings and go “that’s hawt,” and “I heart that!” cause they’re possibly more disgusting than Catcher’s Mitt Hilton is.

  32. I mean, who is sitting pretty, does not mind showing her breasts and small dog in a foreign stock exchange.

Leave A Comment