Paris Hilton defies science, turns 27

February 11th, 2008 // 59 Comments

Paris Hilton, in sheer defiance of quarantine-worthy herpes, celebrated her 27th birthday this weekend and threw an 80s themed party where she showed up looking like Rainbow Brite’s cokehead sister. E! News also reports that Sam “Mixmaster” Lutfi was in attendance. He was probably pouring drinks all night and many partygoers went home feeling the strange desire to flash their vaginas. Even the men. Yup, Sam is that good. We should hang out. But no grave pissing. I just shampooed my car seats.

Photos: Pacific Coast News, Splash News

  1. AdamYYZ

    She looks miserable. Its kinda turning me on

  2. Gerald_Tarrant

    Her vagina doesn’t look a day over 245.

  3. msbiscut

    Check out the orange-faced munchkin behind her in pic #3!!

  4. A.J.

    Oh good, another Paris “story” right after the Britney “story” right after the Paris “story” right after the two Britney “stories”…

    Who cares about this or what heard-it-1000-times “snarky comments” people are going to write?

    This used to be an entertaining place, varied and witty, not repetitive and witless.

  5. D. Richards

    The world needs for John Hinckley to be released from prison.

    Tell him that Jodie Foster would be mightly impressed if he killed Paris Hilton.

  6. syn13

    #7 – HAHAHAHAHA!!!

  7. Snarf

    Who gives a fuck, this is lame!

    You should write a story about how Tyra Banks crapped her pants at fashion week! That fat bitch sucks!

  8. mrs.t

    #9-agree. The Tyra Incident should be front and center everywhere today. Even if it’s untrue. Or especially if it’s untrue. Poopy in the pants is always funny.

  9. Auntie Kryst

    Great fucking pictures, especially that first one. It’s like she’s realizing the gravity of the situation of her advancing age. She’s getting way ahead of her fanbase demo. The last one is good too. She’s leaving early, too tired. She’s can’t party like all the lil’ whippersnappers anymore.

  10. ugh

    I’d like to kick her square in the nuts.

  11. I knew the whole Valtrex marketing campaign was a sham… just like the penis enlargement pumps…

    Oops! I’ve said too much…

  12. good deeds

    she looks like a melancholy seahorse. by all standards, she’s old trade now. there’s no way her old used up ass is going to snag a greek billionaire. god, she’s making out with simon rex!!! how is he still getting work?

  13. Syndnia

    We’re definitely teaching her a lesson by…following her every move.

  14. Oh she doesn’t look very happy.

  15. deaconjones

    Coke whore and tranny alert! PArty time!

  16. nipolian

    When the fuck in the 80′s was cheetah skin dresses ever popular? The ghetto chic look has no chronological history.

  17. lipper

    Awww! She uses the same Barbie gadget that my 8 year old uses to color her hair!

    Wait a second! *looks around*

    She STOLE my daughters Barbie hair color thingy-a-bob AND her tiara!

    How low will you go Paris? *sobs*

  18. Craqueline

    anyone notice her creeper orange-faced manager in the back? Easy on the self tanner buddy…

  19. STFU

    I thought mongoloids rarely lived past 20?

  20. TetraShiva

    Wow. She does look down. I almost feel bad for her. Almost.

  21. Hilton H8ter

    Gross. How is she surviving all this time filled with STD’s. I think Tom Cruise’s Scientology lab has rendered us another half human, half robot “woman”. First Victoria Beckam, THEN Katie Holmes now Paris Hilton, word is them whores died years ago (Vic died of annorexia and terminal bitchiness, Katie died of um… “she got wise” shall we say and of course Paris died of STD overload, supersluttitis and lethal stupidity) but, good old Tom Tom brought ‘em back to life with the power of Scientology and robot body parts he was saving to resurrect L. Ron Hubbard.

    So the answer is YES, Paris Hilton still has a Penis but, now it’s a robot penis because the old one was fucking rancid and completely rotten.

  22. lipper

    oompa oompah doopity do! I’ve got another puzzle for you!

    He looks like an oompah loompah! That’s it!!!

  23. Pixie

    She looks stupid as hell. She needs to grow up…a tiara? And you’re turning 27? OMG /rolls eyes

  24. Gerald_Tarrant

    He isn’t orange. I phoned Crayola, they offically call it Burnt Sienna.

  25. aeuwave

    she looks sad….

  26. If only I had a penny for every tear Paris Hilton has shed on account of The Superficial making fun of her herpes…

  27. Guy

    Someone needs to explain to these idiots what the 80′s was all about.

    Wheres all the damn shoulder pads?

  28. Guy


    You would have $0 seeing as she’s too retarded to use a computer.

  29. meow

    WHY IS SHE SO SAD? I don’t hate her so much when she’s not smiling

  30. notapc

    “Even heiresses get the blues, people.” *a single tear issues from the wonk eye*

  31. quinn

    her daddy must be so proud of his little princess.

  32. quinn

    her daddy must be so proud of his little princess.

  33. Boohoo Pari-poo

    she is all sorts of sad because her movie tanked- it went belly up with everyone laughing in the background while it sank….

  34. bartokf

    OMG – I was just skimming headlines and I thought it read “Paris Hilton dies at 27″

  35. Missystar

    TYRA CRAPPED HER PANTS???why is this not all over CNN???

  36. well really

    If we’re complaining about celebs like this taking over the airwaves, then why let a talk show host tell you how to vote?

  37. Kila

    Who is that Oompa-Loompa behind Paris???

  38. Kila

    Who is that Oompa-Loompa behind Paris???

  39. stoplookingatme

    #29: YES! And there is also a sad lack of side ponytails. I think there are (more than) a couple of problems here. First, these bitches have no conscious memory of the 80s to go on, and not enough sense to watch movies like Pretty in Pink, Back to the Future, or anything with a young John Cusack for tips. Second, they are trying their hardest to look hot. True 80s fashion is not gonna do that for them. No matter how hot it was 25 years ago.

  40. yea , she looks miserable. what happened to her?? haha, I saw some cool videos about her on, maybe they just joking. but those couldn’t be true and she does not care.

  41. Mick

    You guys must be getting through to her, at least she’s trying to cover up the wonky eye with the hair.

  42. La Frascatana

    I was one of the fools who bought into her crying jag when she went to jail, and said the punishment was too extreme. Now I know that she’s never sad in the way that she should be sad. There will never be any dawning self-awareness and desire for a more meaningful existence.

    She’s only sad because of exterior circumstances, like ( a ) Going to jail or ( b ) Failing once again in her attempt to defeat her rival Lindsay Lohan on the screens of America and not just be famous for being famous. Believe me, if the movie were a hit ( of course we all know that could never happen in this or any alternate universe, no matter how fucked things get ) she would be gloating and pouring champagne over her insectoid head. She’ll get no pity from me.

  43. jrz

    Sam Lufti’s real name is Osama.

  44. blizzy

    #45 – LMAO! I love it!

    Osama bin Lufti! ROFL

  45. Sapphire Eyes

    She looks so sad, as if she doesn’t believe that 30 is really the new 20 (God Forbid that for Parisite and her entourage).

    Really, when I turned 25, I fell apart. When I turned 30 it was like “eh, so what? Let’s get shitfaced!!!” That’s the perfect perk for living near a big, insane city like Chicago.

  46. oh my. Who is the strange orange munchkin behind Paris? It’s actually orange – not blended, either. ew.

  47. Flaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

    How can you tell there’s an 80s theme? So many ‘tards dress in shit 80s gear to look ‘cool’ and retro these days, you’d never know.
    The 80s were shit. 80s fashion was shit.
    Design something new.

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