After seeing the way she was coming across in the media, Paris Hilton released this press statement:
“After reading the media’s coverage of my court hearing, I feel the need to correct what I believe are misperceptions about me. I absolutely realize how serious driving under the influence is. I could not live with myself if anyone was injured or killed while I was driving while impaired. Clearly, no one should — no matter how slightly.
I am ready to face the consequences of violating probation.
No one is above the law. I surely am not. I do not expect to be treated better than anyone else who violated probation. However, my hope is that I will not be treated worse.”
I’d actually feel sorry for her if I didn’t know what a horrible human being she is. Don’t be fooled, this is the same spoiled racist bitch she’s always been. Watching her cry is almost arousing. God forbid they ever get a video of her being eaten by hyenas, because I don’t think the world is ready for the raging boner it’d give me.
silentpyjamas | May 9, 2007 at 4:19 pm
i’m a girl and i think i’ve got a boner
sympathee | May 9, 2007 at 4:20 pm
Boy she sure is coming to a lot of realizations lately. I guess that’s what a looming jail sentence will do to you.
xXrebeccaXx | May 9, 2007 at 4:23 pm
I know you are all going to bash me….but I really feel sorry for her. Not because she doesn’t deserve it…..I’m not sure why…I just do.
silentpyjamas | May 9, 2007 at 4:23 pm
it’s not even a serious sentence, to be honest. she’s not even going to prison. sheesh, she could have avoided this. it just goes to show how much experience with real life paris doesn’t have. she should joke up! she’s got so much love and support from her legions of myspace commenters.
Gringer76 | May 9, 2007 at 4:23 pm
Oh..she’s just trying to get the sympathy vote. I agree, don’t be fooled. This wench is pretty crafty, I don’t trust her farther than I can throw her!
cheatedhearts | May 9, 2007 at 4:24 pm
Aww how sad.
NOT!
Fifth Stooge | May 9, 2007 at 4:24 pm
With all the focus now on Paris, what about Mary Jo Buttafuco?
silentpyjamas | May 9, 2007 at 4:25 pm
@#3, is it because she has spent the whole of her life in a deluded elysium and now must come down from her ivory tower to wallow in the filth of regular human beings?
whoneedsenemies | May 9, 2007 at 4:27 pm
I don’t feel bad for her one bit.
That whole apology was written by someone else anyways.
Fifth Stooge | May 9, 2007 at 4:29 pm
She didn’t write that fuckin’ shit. That girl can’t walk and chew gum at the same time, let alone write something that articulate.
whoneedsenemies | May 9, 2007 at 4:30 pm
Hahahahh I mean statement.
She’s not apologizing for shit.
Gringer76 | May 9, 2007 at 4:30 pm
#9 Yup, you can tell it’s someone else, because the words are spelled correctly! That’s a dead giveaway it ain’t Paris.
Niki | May 9, 2007 at 4:30 pm
She deserves what’s coming to her, what goes around come around.
poos'n'wees'n'bumblebees | May 9, 2007 at 4:31 pm
she is sooooo just pretending here to look all sad oh poor me! if that was me and I knew cameras were on me (and she so does) I would have the windows up and be facing away, or head down or something, nobody really cries with their head up like that in plain view looking strait ahead this is just a sh*tty stunt to make her look human. I dont buy this for a second… “look at me I’m sad.” waaaaa F**k uuuup!
HollyJ | May 9, 2007 at 4:31 pm
@9 – Yeah, I heard that the original, prior to editing, went something like this:
“Um, I’m, like, not fat and stuff… Prison is sooo not cool. No one shood ever drive drunck cuz they aren’t me. I hope they get my Valtrex cuz hoo-hoo blisters are sooo not hot.”
StoneRose | May 9, 2007 at 4:31 pm
HAHAFUCKINGHA!
Welcome to reality, Paris! It bites now, doesn’t it!!!
pepstar | May 9, 2007 at 4:32 pm
After reading her diary entries and reading that paragraph…I want to be rich that much more so that I can have people handcraft every word that comes out of my mouth so that I don’t sound like a blathering idiot. Except in my case it’s just because I’m a lazy asshole.
whoneedsenemies | May 9, 2007 at 4:32 pm
Paris Hilton’s real statement:
Dear Publik,
I pwomise i wont drive my car when drunk animore. Take it eazy on me.
Luv, Paris
hazza | May 9, 2007 at 4:33 pm
I can lip read and following is the conversation between Paris and her her Mom.
Paris: “Mom, every1 hates me!”
Paris’s Mom: “Don’t worry sweetheart, just let loose with the sobs and they’ll feel sorry for you”
Paris: “But mom! I’ve never cried before, how do i do it?”
Paris’s Mom: “Here’s an onion, now peal it slowly with your fingernails and squirt some of da juice into your eyes”
Paris: “What’s an onion? is it what poor black people eat? Ouch!! you bitch, you bitch, you bitch!!”
StoneRose | May 9, 2007 at 4:33 pm
For someone who puts on a fake ‘baby-girl’ voice all the time, this is also a pretty shitty version of that emotion Paris knows nothing about, “remorse”.
Binky | May 9, 2007 at 4:33 pm
Everyone has to grow up sometime.
StoneRose | May 9, 2007 at 4:35 pm
Look closely – Paris and her mom are trying really hard not to break into uncontrollable fits of laughter.
Fifth Stooge | May 9, 2007 at 4:35 pm
She made her fucking bed, now she has to lie in it.
Why the hell is she listening to Christina Aguilera? Why isn’t she blasting her own bullshit CD?
whoneedsenemies | May 9, 2007 at 4:36 pm
#15 Her TEARS are probably contagious.
Gringer76 | May 9, 2007 at 4:36 pm
Her acting sucks about as much as her singing. Now, if it were Meryl Streep, I’d be crying along with her, but this is Paris ‘Skank’ Hilton who couldn’t act if her inheritance depended on it!
whoneedsenemies | May 9, 2007 at 4:37 pm
#23 Even her mom won’t listen to that shit!!
Binky | May 9, 2007 at 4:38 pm
(Actually I think her mom just farted)
She’ll survive.
Lal | May 9, 2007 at 4:40 pm
So? She cried. It could have been about anything. “I NEARLY GOT RAPED BY A BLACK GUY AT THE SUPERMARKET! THEY SHOULDN’T LET NIGGERS IN OUR SCHOOLS! Think of the CHILDREN!” *sob*
Binky | May 9, 2007 at 4:40 pm
27 + Like check the expression on mom’s face, the open windows – like they don’t have Air con ? The evidence is there.
silentpyjamas | May 9, 2007 at 4:43 pm
gosh is this a preview of the crying to come? we have a lot of days until june! someone get a bottle and collect all those tears. a months’ worth of that fakery could keep one of angelina jolie’s future children hydrated for several minutes.
AngryD | May 9, 2007 at 4:45 pm
Come on now #15… even thats a bit advanced for Paris! Funny tho
grape | May 9, 2007 at 4:46 pm
stupid fake bitch
AngryD | May 9, 2007 at 4:47 pm
oh and roll up the windows Paris if you want us to even slightly believe you!
kamihi | May 9, 2007 at 4:47 pm
Lying whore bag slutty bitch, UGH she revolts me she has to face the consequence of repeatedly sticking 2 fingers up at the law and she is crying – for herself and to manipulate I hate more than ever.
LilRach | May 9, 2007 at 4:54 pm
She broke the law she has to suffer the consequences.
Yeah i feel a little sorry for her but i think the jail time will do her good and make her appreciate how lucky she is and how unfortunate some other people are. She needs a reality check and to see how the real world is. She has been bought up so sheltered and protected and obviously with no morals.
The only way she can redeem herself from this is to do the time and come out a better person
LilRach | May 9, 2007 at 4:56 pm
#33 – totally – If she didn’t want to be seen crying she could have rolled up the windows or lied down on the seat.
SYMPATHY VOTE!
“look at me i’m so sad, feel sorry for me”
ToiletDuck | May 9, 2007 at 4:56 pm
Isn’t this the same douchebag who was spouting epithets about “niggers” and “faggots” in that infamous video that seems to be conspicuously absent from YouTube???
Fuck her, I hope they throw away the key and make her clean the latrines with her own toothbrush…
silentpyjamas | May 9, 2007 at 4:56 pm
question is, will she emerge from her jail time a better person, or will she spin her experience into a “poor me” story and carry on, this time a little more experienced in the methods of manipulation?
clarkehead | May 9, 2007 at 4:58 pm
No one comes out of jail a “better person.” But she deserves to be punished, so I’m glad she’s going to jail. Maybe she’ll mind her manners from now on.
silentpyjamas | May 9, 2007 at 4:58 pm
oh ToiletDuck, you make me hawt
arrogances | May 9, 2007 at 4:59 pm
No jail for Paris!
Let her keep the license too.
What? Why not? Because rich people should be punished too?
No, they shouldn’t. It’ll give normal people more incentive to get rich. Stimulate the economy. Think about it;)
Wait, wait, wait…
Did Brandy go to jail for KILLING that guy?
No? Why are we even discussing this? Cut Paris loose.
…yes I see a ‘loose’ pun coming. Hardy har har;)
silentpyjamas | May 9, 2007 at 5:00 pm
i sort of have a sneaking suspicion the brevity of her sentence and the unwavering asskissery of everyone around her will keep her from seeing her jail time as anything more than a rude interruption to her important lifestyle.
ToiletDuck | May 9, 2007 at 5:05 pm
This is SUCH FUCKING HORSEHIT…
Notice she leaves the goddamn car window open so that everyone can see her crocodile tears, and just how contrite she is…
I would like to be a fly on the wall when she gets her prison-issue panties, non-Gucci with the bloodstained crotch of Bree the crack whore still on them….
visiblenoize | May 9, 2007 at 5:08 pm
she’s acting. she just wants to show everyone that she’s crying so we can sign her stupid petition. if you were really that ashamed enough to cry, then why would you keep your windows down and let people see you doing it?
arrogances | May 9, 2007 at 5:09 pm
…can’t really hear her sobs over that music.
I know I said all that before, but I still wanna hear;)
hotguy | May 9, 2007 at 5:14 pm
Those are just practice tears for when her future prison pals take turns cramming a plunger up in her moistendom!
ph7 | May 9, 2007 at 5:15 pm
If she wins on appeal, or gets pardon by Gov. Arnold, I propose a full scale riot like we saw with Rodney King.
All of LA should burn if she doesn’t serve her full sentence. Or, better yet, burn down all of Beverly Hills.
polypam | May 9, 2007 at 5:19 pm
That video is satisfying on so many levels though I pretty much doubt Paris even knows how to spell “misperceptions”.
ToiletDuck | May 9, 2007 at 5:21 pm
She’ll be crying tears of joy when Big Sheila and her pals pin her down and take turns getting down to business…
silentpyjamas | May 9, 2007 at 5:21 pm
i wonder what it must be like to live in a world where your every action, right down to crying, is unauthentically scripted by suited monkeys. it’s pretty terrible that she cannot be taken seriously, ever, because she (or the monkeys) use every public appearance (scheduled or not) to further craft paris hilton’s image. tragically, leaving the crafting of an image to monkeys (or paris) is the equivalent of letting a blind hobo make a sculpture out of shit.