Paris Hilton BFF search not going so… hot?

April 10th, 2008 // 65 Comments

Auditions were held in New York City for Paris Hilton’s new MTV reality show where contestants will compete to be the Wonk’s new best friend. Turns out not many people give a shit. Believe me when I say words cannot express the levels of shock I’m experiencing right now. OK! Magazine reports:

But the scene outside Nikki Midtown earlier this week didn’t exactly resemble the thousands of hopefuls you’d see lined up for a shot of American Idol or So You Think You Can Dance. Actually, it didn’t even resemble a half-price latte sale at your local Starbucks.
“There were less than 40 people there,” one audition insider tells OK!.

Half-price lattes?!? Shit, finally, something interesting. What with the milk and the espresso. Wow, way more exciting than whatever it is I was just talking about. What was it again? Oh, right, good ole who’s-her-face: HerpFoot NoFriend. That might not be right, but what’re ya gonna do? Half-price lattes! Whoopee!

Photos: Getty Images

  1. frist


  2. nini

    stupid bitch

  3. nini

    stupid bitch

  4. caljenna66

    And of the 40 that were there, I bet 38 of them thought they were auditioning for American Idol 8

  5. SLASH

    Nice shower curtain, Paris, what, did you rip that off Mrs. Roper on your way out of the apartment this morning??

  6. Grunion

    What about he search for her dignity? How’s that going?

  7. unemployed actors

    actually, i’ll bet the 40 that showed up were unemployed actors just trying to get face time on tv.

  8. SLASH

    #6 Dignity? I think that she’d rather search for a cure…


    Everyone is so mean to poor Paris Hilton. (Oh, sorry, I guess “poor” isn’t the choice word here…) Gee, she’s just a rich girl dating a rockstar trying to make her way in the world. Ease up, ya meanies.


  10. gossipmonger

    TO: 7. unemployed actors – April 10, 2008 2:57 PM – actually, i’ll bet the 40 that showed up were unemployed actors just trying to get face time on tv.

    Totally agree… there is no possible way anyone in their right mind would want to be her flunky, I mean ‘friend’. Gawd, you could NOT pay me enough to follow her around and pretend to like her!

  11. I don’t care about Pee Hilton. So, read this instead, retards. I spent all night drinking cheap tequila and eating cottage cheese. Now I have diarrhea. Uncontrollable diarrhea, the kind where when I laugh or take a deep breathe it leaks into my man-thong. It’s a little on the green and corny side as well. When I went to wipe, my butt was so wet from my fecal sprinkler that my finger went right thru the toilet paper, and I jammed it right up my leaky anus. Now I can’t wash the smell off, or stop sniffing my finger. I also thought I had to fart earlier, but I sure was wrong. Now my love-seat has a stain shaped like Oprah Winfrey right in the middle. My favorite cat, Chlamydia, is hiding. Well, off to the bathroom, my floppy sphincter is dripping again. Thanks for listening, all my friends.

  12. Vince Lombardi

    @#5 = Mrs. Roper! Maan, that was a good laugh. thanks.

  13. Jumpin_J

    Paris can be my BFF… I mean whore and a half! Danm Tourettes!

  14. Vince Lombardi

    re Hilton’s dress: now I remember what vomit on the hallway floor in my elementary school used to look like. Thank God I don’t have the accompanying smell.

  15. nini

    love you Drippy Dick McGee – !!!

  16. Peter

    I just wanted to write something …

    … and there it was.

  17. lamb of god

    Damn it! Will she die already!?!?

  18. Auntie Kryst

    @12 Coach I thought you were going to say that was the carpet pattern at Kroll’s circa 1965.

    @11 Sympathy for you friend, I been through that kind of tequilla damage.

  19. Kiss My Balls

    Why is Owen Wilson wearing that awful dress and makeup?
    Ohhhhhhhh, {*gives long stupid stare*}
    Thats Paris

  20. Earl Hickey

    I did her after the show. She smelled of Benji.

  21. restingonlaurels

    why audition? so you can be publically ridiculed the same way paris is? i suppose you would deserve it for signing up for this suicide mission.

  22. kelly

    if she gives me 99.9% of all the money that she currently has and will have in the future, i’ll be her bff :)

  23. Tapeworm

    #20 Earl — surely you mean that mangey mutt from the 70s movies right? Or do you mean that mangey mutt of a tattooed fuck of a boyfriend the cunt has?

  24. UPDATE: I’ve decided just to sit in the bathtub where I can shit all over myself, without losing my page in “War and Peace”. Please send bran.

  25. electric eye

    Hmm. There were 40 people that showed up? I would have thought less. But seriously, folks. Paris is a wonderful person and a credit to the human race. We really should give her some sort of award for providing a home for the herpes virus. And I’m sure the wind whistling thru that vacuous and empty head provides a soothing sound to others wherever she goes. Kind of like the sounds of a rain forest.

  26. sva1994

    Well, the bad turnout is reassuring to me, but then who the hell is responsible for those 149,000 MySpace friends she has?

  27. 26…..the 149,000 people who friended her, dumbass.

  28. Ash

    Wow the artards didn’t show to support their idol? that is a shocker… they prolly couldn’t all fit on the bus

  29. My Hero - #11

    A truly monumental post and as meaningful as anything I have read on this site (wipes tear with used tampon, then inserts in mouth). I love you kind sir!

  30. Lexoka

    Auditions to become her best friend?! Wow! Now *that* is pathetic!

  31. woodhorse

    Her mistake was in running the ad in the Thrifty Nickel. She should have made posters and tacked them onto telephone poles because her friends can’t read.

  32. Erica

    11. That made me crack up, in a sick kind of way. Sorry though, but damn, funny shit!

    Oh, yeah who cares about Paris..she needs to go away.

  33. in the know....

    too bad the hiltons had to pay most of them to show up.

  34. Mellie

    @ 34 “cora” sounds asian today…lol ha ha ha ha ha i bet benji was one of the ones that showed up…

  35. Danielle

    Except there aren’t even any half-price lattes.

  36. Gwen

    See, this is the problem: the insiders are saying things like, “There were LESS than 40 people there,” rather than, “There were FEWER than 40 people there.”

    This chick’s an HEIRESS. WTF?

  37. fygu

    Do you get it now Paris?? 99.9% of the population HATES YOU.

  38. HuckyDucky

    Not me though.

  39. Dr. Cornelia J. Dogbarker, phd

    Me: I promise I’ll be your best friend if you let me punch you in the stomach as hard as I can.

    Paris: Duh, ok.

    Me: WHACK!!!

    Paris: Uggghhhh! Will you still be my best friend?

    Me: HA HA HA HA HA. No!

  40. barbie

    Paris always looks nice. Just like all of her photos on her personal profiles on Many of us like!

  41. got melanocortin1

    #41 your joke sucked balls

  42. Walizalawonga

    SCHADENFREUDE – Look it up, bitches

  43. LucyLou

    If I was in America, I’d totally audition for this show. Just because I would love to tell her to her face what a low-class, disgusting waste of oxygen she is.

    Oh, man, that would be good. And I’d punch her in the face. That’s just good TV.

    I’d estimate that around 97.5% of the contestants wanted to do that. The other contestant was just there for the food.

  44. This thread was closed after comment #5. Hilarious.

  45. Matt

    Oh this makes me happy. Very , very happy. Score one for the good guys

  46. Pilatunes

    I dunno, I’d be her friend if she offered thrice daily blowjobs. I mean, it’s better than jerking off.

  47. d

    haha i would totally be her friend

  48. Grunion

    Going as well as her search for a Podiatrist I’m sure…

  49. With all the cash in the world why does this bitch continue to get uglier and uglier in every new picture? And why does she dress like an old bat? And why does she feel the need to impose herself on us poor Americans? Cant she move her fuckin gay “reality” shit show to Darfour instead and add a little interest to an otherwise complete and utter waste of time? The Simple Life at least showcased how hot and slutty she was at 21 but now she’s like 50 and I’m sure I speak for everyone with a brain that we don’t care about her or want to waste what precious little time we have here on earth ogling her cathy hilton like corpse or her phony voice and staged actions, wonky eye she tries to hide and fails greatly with her phony hair, her penis nose, her annoying and contrived smile, her “Im better than all you losers, see?” attitude, her batwang like body (batwang=gender post-op) sored up and ooozing vag, she’s making such a fool of herself (and her family, but there already fools) why cant she just go away and leave us alone already? We no your rich herpe girl, why the need to constantly flaunt your flat pancake ass in our face constantly?

  50. what a shocker. (note the sarcasm)

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