Paris Hilton is Pregnant

Okay, before anybody panics, let’s run down the list:

Idiot sperm donor? Check.
Non-impaired uterus? …. Pass.
Protruding stomach? Check.
Bigger boobs? Check.
Fatter ass? Check.
Belly rubbing thing pregnant chicks always do? Double check.
Horsemen of the apocalypse descending from the heavens? I saw a squirrel. Count it.

Ah, Jesus. Hopefully I’m wrong, and not just because Paris Hilton might read this post and develop an unhealthy eating disorder that ultimately kills her. Nobody wants that to happen even though she’d be super totes skinny, you guys. Super totes. Like a real model.

Is she dead yet?

Photos: Splash News