Paris Hilton Is Engaged to That Guy Who’s Not a Billionaire

It’s been a couple of days, but I’ve finally emerged from my holiday hole. Weird what a couple of days off can do to you because I now look like feral Robin Williams after being released from the Jumanji board. Speaking of Jumanji, I’ve had four day old pizza that tasted less “bleh” than that remake, but I could see it being pretty good if you like to huff paint and eat Doritos. (I f*cking loved it.)

Now onto the boring stuff…

Paris Hilton got engaged to Chris Zylka after he gave her a giant, 20-karat diamond ring. If you are into sappy sh*t that doesn’t matter and want details about how it went down, click here to read all about it.

Otherwise, make yourself a long island iced tea and light up a Virginia slim because you and I both know that ring is gaudyyy.

Supposedly, he spent two million big ones on that massive piece of costume jewelry that also doubles as the world’s most expensive self-defense knuckle guard. Considering that Zylka hasn’t really worked on anything big since being that guy who joined the weird cult in HBO’s The Leftovers, I’m going to guess the jeweler upped his credit once he told them he was marrying Paris Hilton.

Here’s a video of the moment he popped to Paris.

The most romantic moment of my life! 😍💎 #Engaged 👰🏼

A post shared by Paris Hilton (@parishilton) on

And here’s a picture of the moment a baby pooped on Paris.

A post shared by Paris Hilton (@parishilton) on

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