Paris Hilton Is, Like, So Sorry, Gays

Just when Paris Hilton was a lock for the 2016 GOP ticket by being racist and thinking every homosexual has AIDS, she capitulated yesterday to the gay mafia who probably held her Valtrex scripts hostage when they weren’t too busy sucking blood out of infants and starting all the wars in the world, those fanciful bastards. Via GLAAD:

As anyone close to me knows, I always have been and always will be a huge supporter of the gay community. I am so sorry and so upset that I caused pain to my gay friends, fans and their families with the comments heard this morning. I was having this private conversation with a friend of mine who is gay and our conversation was in no way towards the entire gay community. It is the last thing that I would ever want to do and I cannot put into words how much I wish I could take back every word.
HIV/AIDS can hurt anyone, gay and straight, men and women. It’s something I take very seriously and should not have been thrown around in conversation.
Gay people are the strongest and most inspiring people I know. It is so wrong when people bully or put down others for being gay. No one should have to go through that. Again, I am so sorry from the bottom of my heart and I feel absolutely horrible. I hope that everyone can accept my apology and know that it is not who I am or how I feel in any way.
Thank you for taking a minute to read this, I love you.

Like most red-blooded Americans, my initial concern was, “Great, now she’s just emboldened them even further and it’s only a matter of time before we have to let them drink out of the same water fountain as us.” But then the gay hookup site Grindr tweeted this little gem and I found myself thinking, “You know what? Maybe Jesus doesn’t want us to fire these people into the sun.”

@parishilton, frankly we’re surprised that you hadn’t heard about Grindr sooner, given some of the guys you date. [Ed. Note: You’re gonna want to click on that.]

Do gays like receiving a box full of glossy Jon Hamm’s penis pics in the mail as way of saying thanks, or is this more of an erotic fruit basket occasion? — Dick-shaped gingerbread cookies with meringue testicles? On it.

Photos: Bauer-Griffin