Paris Hilton Almost Got Stabbed

August 24th, 2010 // 46 Comments

A double-knife wielding assailant apparently tried to make his way into Paris Hilton‘s house to do the Lord’s work this morning only to discover she’s rich and can afford things like security cameras and alarms. I guess the mansion didn’t tip him off. People reports:

“In the early hours of this morning an armed man with two kitchen knives attempted to break in to Paris Hilton’s home when she was sleeping,” her rep said in a statement Tuesday. “The security cameras and alarm system were alerted and the police immediately came to the house and arrested the intruder who was attempting to break a window when they arrived. Paris is naturally shaken by the events but is unharmed and well.”

On a related note, this news explains why there was a two-hour gap between the Miss Universe and Lindsay Lohan posts. I’m sorry, this seemed much better on paper, but at least my attorney was right and everyone involved realized no jury would ever convict me. But, as a consolation, Paris managed to snap a picture of me getting cuffed, so here you go so I can stop getting e-mails asking what I look like. (Note: I’m kind of having a fat day.)

Photos: Fame

superficial

  1. Pseudopodia

    ¡Department store mannequin pose!

  2. McFeely Smackup

    why or why can’t the stabbers of today be more successful?

  3. Paris Hilton
    Kiss My Ass Elmo
    Commented on this photo:

    I hope this minor set back won’t deter others who are properly motivated to do the right thing.

  4. Billy Seatsniffer

    “Paris Hilton Almost Got Stabbed”

    Almost only counts in hand grenades and A-bombs. Come to think of it, either of those would be acceptable in this situation.

  5. ZigZagZoey

    $50 says her security gaurds let him in…..

  6. Smaug

    I’d stab her…. with my dick!

  7. el ces

    Degenerates. Whoever it was should be flogged in the square.

  8. grobpilot

    Dumb ass. You got two fucking knives and still can’t get the job done? You’re fired. We’ll just need to find a Muslim to get it done. They’re experts at dissection.

  9. DEATH BY STONING IN HOLLYWOOD

    REALLY WISH SHE WAS STABBED REAL TALK

  10. DEATH BY STONING IN HOLLYWOOD

    ONE OF THESE CELBUTARDS NEEDS TO BE MURDERED FOR THE OTHERS TO FINALLY GET SCARED AND FUCK OFF

  11. SON OF A HEARTLESS BITCH! WHY CAN’T I GET A FUCKING HIT IN MY DEAD POOL??!!!!!!!??!!!!!!!

    • read up on who has cancer and bet on them in december :) nancy (martin short’s wife) dolman went today. she was worth 42 points. also gone in 2010 to cancer include james gammon (30 pts), ali-ollie woodson (42 pts), ronnie james die (33 pts), malcolm mclauren (36 pts), merlin olsen (31 pts), doug the knack fieger (43 pts), pernell robers (19 pts), teddy pendergrass (41 pts), and harvey peter (10 pts). all of them were diagnosed a long time ago. and this is only 10 people. you get 20 picks. but if you had these ten you’d have more than twice the current leader on thedeadpool. just a thought. i feel better not wishing death on anyone (shift-comma 3)

  12. Cock Dr

    Her knees look like that of a 50 yo woman. I guess sucking Euro-trash cock day in & day out will wear them down.

  13. paris may be a lot of things but she’s still a human being. get a grip with this deathwish bullshit, whether it’s her, linds.. what goes around comes around

  14. Paris Hilton
    Commented on this photo:

    you’re sick

  15. sobrietyisacrutch

    “do the Lord’s work this morning only to discover she’s rich and can afford things like security cameras and alarms. I guess the mansion didn’t tip him off”

    My God! This is why I love this blogger so! I heartily lol’ed at this. Not an easy feat.

    Looking forward to more hopeful headlines such as:
    “Paris Almost Goes Over Cliff After Brakes Were Cut”
    “Paris Almost Gets Ripped Apart By Pack Of Coyotes -(Dog Survives)”
    “Paris Almost Gets Kidnapped And Forcefed Drugs By Lindsey Lohan”

  16. Paris Hilton
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    Poor doggy. Run fast the first chance you get.

  17. Nero

    Almost?! That’s bad news folks!

  18. Rhialto

    Luckily for her she does have this big,dangerous looking dog to protect her.

  19. Mike NIke

    I saw her shitty porn video. Who would want that kinda sex for even 3 seconds? Most boring shit on the planet yo. She and her man were terrible in bed. They suck at fucking.

    • sobrietyisacrutch

      She hung out with Kathy Griffin on “My Life On The D-List”. Kathy asked something about doing it doggy-style and bj’s. Paris grimaced and said, “Ew! I don’t do any of that stuff.” When Kathy asked why not, (That’s Kathy!), Paris said, “My Mother told me that if you have a beautiful face, you never have to do any of that stuff.”
      Is it any wonder why she can’t hold on to a man….

      • mcfeely smackup

        great story. except that I’ve seen her porn video and watched her taking it doggy style and blowing a cock like it was going to cum $100 bills.

        So I guess you’re a filthy liar.

      • Mel Gibson's Shrink

        Fucking moron. Doggy style and BJ are two of my 3 favourite things.

      • sobrietyisacrutch

        Ain’t my story – it was Paris’. I only watched the episode so I am guilty of THAT.

  20. Bunny Foofoo

    Uh, ‘police arrived while he was ATTEMPTING to break a window’ ??? either the cops have a 2second response time in her neighborhood, or this guy was the worst kind of FAIL… was he attempting to break a window by peeing on it or something? I mean, how difficult is it to break a window?

    I’m deeply upset about this. just when we finally get someone to pull a hero to help cleanse the gene pool, he turns out to be too dumb to kick a window/toss a potted plant… it’s like a single layer of saran wrap separates this guy and success, and this guy is like ‘oh well, didnt see this coming, guess i have to go home.’

  21. Paris Hilton
    zombiecash
    Commented on this photo:

    This was almost the start of my “worthless Celebrity Serial Killer” fantasy but maybe I’m glad this guy failed because in my dreams, this guy is going to be crafty. Like come up with a way to use Kim’s ass in her fatality.

  22. What a moron

    Couldn’t the LAPD have let the dude complete his mission & kill her? Afterall, he was only doing the world a huge favor…

  23. slkjaf

    el oh elz… on a serious note. almost doesnt count.

  24. Paris Hilton
    Vlad
    Commented on this photo:

    First! Meeooww.

  25. captain america

    she hasn’t got the nerves for a sex-tape?
    …………..BECAUSE SHE HAS A LITTLE PENIS INSTEAD OF A VAGINA, folks!!

  26. Paris Hilton
    Weird Al
    Commented on this photo:

    Wow, I feel bad for her. She has made her media image that of a moronic, slutty dingbat with a “cute” personality. And naturally, a few insane men carrying knives have tried to claw their way at her. Remember a couple of years ago when a taxi driver tried to rape a Paris Hilton look alike in his cab? She got help by screaming and punching at the windows to pedestrians. Creepy shit.

    I once met a guy who was very rich, well connected, and knows the Hilton family personally. He says both of Paris’ parents are smart – so by genetic virtue, she must have more brain cells than she lets on.

  27. stevebeagle

    almost doesn’t count

  28. Mel G.

    I love the pug!

  29. mobsguy

    Too bad
    My Online Business Strategy

  30. DuroyPrime

    Shoulda hired a Mexican…coulda got one on the corner for $20 to do the job right.

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  32. Paris Hilton
    Kirsty
    Commented on this photo:

    Whenever I see pictures of her buying clothes I think “How many outfits does that girl own?”. I mean, I’ve never seen her wear the same thing twice. Her closet must be the size of an entire room.

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