Pamela Anderson Wrote A Poem About ‘Sexy’ Julian Assange

Julian Assange got played by the Russians and is complicit in handing the election to Trump, so I don’t care if every member of fucking ABBA falsely accuses him of rape, he’s a human fjord of diarrhea. But he’s still “sexy” to his “friendPamela Anderson who is now using her poetry to speak truth to power in an attempt to clear his name. Or so people keep talking about her even though her name is constantly prefaced with “former beauty” or “expired trophy wife.” Okay, I made the last one up, as well as all of the translations of her shit-awful drivel below. Enjoy.

Julian Assange is the most intelligent, interesting, and informed man in existence.
Yes- I think he’s quite sexy.
He has tremendous strength and stamina- though vulnerable.
Hard to imagine him that way – as capable as he is.

Translation: No, he looks like Tilda Swinton fucked a lab rat. And he ran like a bitch instead of owning his shit. Not hard to imagine him acting like a bitch.

But, he is up against the biggest super powers in the world.

Translation: Sweden?

I’ve spent enough time with
him, to be absolutely
sure of his intentions-
They are good ones.

Translation: His checks don’t bounce.

He is on the side of every civilian. And,
he is exposing corruption
in governments we elect.
People need to understand that.
And, sift through the propaganda – on TV -
I give up on watching the news-

Translation: Except Russian state-controlled television who I give interviews.

The truth is-
Julian has ruffled a few very powerful feathers-
who will stop at nothing to discredit him,
or worse-

Translation: Quit whining. She lost fair and square.

So,
Any time anyone maliciously,
or frivolously mentions ‘rape’ next to his name -
they need to understand it is defamation.
We are all innocent until proven guilty.
And-
There is no rape -
it is a case of condom or not.
It is ridiculous.
This has been recklessly politicized.
And, it is embarrassing for all involved.

Translation: He’s never even mentioned condoms when we have sex!

Sweden is a wonderful country. Stockholm is one of my favorite places on earth to visit.
It is silly to continue this.
I’m sure they want this behind them, as much as anyone.
It is complex -
and there are powerful people trying to control the outcome. .
but-
The only way to deal with the big bully on the playground -
Is for someone brave to stand up to them.
Make them realize
they are just like everyone else, no matter how big they think they are,
where they live,
or economic status -
and, show them
that their usual controlling and abusive scare tactics don’t work.

Translation: Hiding like a weasel in an embassy = standing up to bullying

The more we know,
the safer we are…
There are no secrets anymore.
And,
some people don’t like that.
The truth is a powerful and wonderful thing.
As humiliating as it might be for those being exposed.

Translation: But never tax returns. It would be reckless to leak those.

I am forever grateful to all whistle-blowers.
(Who risk everything for us.)
The world is a safer place because of you.
And
Thank you to my hero’s at
Wikileaks,
and of course -
I will always stand by
My
Julian …

Translation: Until Snowden offers double. Call me.

Love,
Pamela

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Photo: Getty