May 7 2008Elisabeth Hasselbeck should wrestle Ann Coulter in a vat of pudding - unless she hates America
Elisabeth Hasselbeck, one fourth of the clucking you hear when watching The View, decided to show off her sweet bikini-clad post-pregnant bod in the pages of Fitness Magazine. Elisabeth did a bunch of stuff like dieting, exercising and whatever else Republicans do to lose weight. Which I'll assume includes throwing Bibles at poor people. I dunno, I've never been to a gym. Anyway, Rosie O'Donnell is probably ogling these pics and wishing she'd been a little nicer to Elisabeth. Or Rosie could just be eating her typical Wednesday snack that consists of those giant Brontosaurus ribs from the opening credits of The Flintstones. True story.
May 7 2008Amy Winehouse arrested again, world record in sight
Amy Winehouse has been arrested again making it the 2,567th time this month. This time it's for the video of Amy smoking crack and downing six Valium. Turns out that's illegal. Who knew? BBC News reports:
A Metropolitan Police (Met) spokesman said the arrest was in connection with a video of the star passed to them in January this year.
It's gotta be the easiest gig in town to work the drug beat for the Metropolitan Police. All you gotta do is show up for work, drive over to Amy Winehouse's pad and BOOM! let's call it a day. I bet you sometimes they just call her up and say "Hey, Amy, can you be a sport and save us a trip, love? There's some McDonald's in it for you." She typically bursts through a window five minutes later. Except the one time she drove a scooter through the front door. Well, not so much drove as sat backwards while her cat steered.
NOTE: No need to thank me for the photos, precious readers. It's my way of saying "You complete me."
Continue Reading "Amy Winehouse arrested again, world record in sight"
May 7 2008Ashlee Simpson & Pete Wentz to wed next week (I'll bring the shotgun!)
First, sorry for two Ashlee Simpson 's post in a row. Totally unplanned. Please, don't kill me. Anyway, Ashlee and Pete Wentz are reportedly walking down the aisle next week! Somebody apparently whipped out the shotgun and my money's on Joe Simpson. And, no, not for his daughter's honor. Ha ha. That's rich. Seriously, you should be writing this instead of me. Hollyscoop reports:
A source close to the couple has told Hollyscoop exclusively, "The wedding invitations have been sent out, its taking place the weekend of May 16. The location will not be revealed until the day of the wedding but guests are told it will be an hour drive from Los Angeles."
Our source also confirmed that Ashlee is 100% pregnant. Papa Joe is probably busy selling off the wedding info and pictures as we speak so expect to see it in the tabloids Memorial weekend.
Joe Simpson is probably the coolest dad in the world. Not only does he sell the photo rights to his daughter's unborn child but to her shotgun wedding as well. This is almost better than the gift he got Ashlee for her Sweet 16. Which was a boob job for her sister Jessica. God, that's sweet. *sniff* And my own father wouldn't even play catch with me... I can't help it I've got flippers for arms!
Continue Reading "Ashlee Simpson & Pete Wentz to wed next week (I'll bring the shotgun!)"
May 7 2008Ashlee Simpson's breasts suggest a case of pregnantitis in the uterus sector
In case you can't tell by the headline, this post will tackle deep medical issues using the most scientific of terms. For realz. N/J. Every once in a while The Sun drops an expose that shakes the very field of journalism to its core. Today they examined the size of Ashlee Simpson's breasts in relation to her sister Jessica and whether that size suggests Pete Wentz busted a baby up in that ass. I feel humbled to be in the presence of such a report:
Ashlee, who got engaged to rocker boyfriend PETE WENTZ last month, has recently been subject of rumours surrounding a possible pregnancy.
But the eye-catching size of her bust pictured above will only increase speculation, as it looks like she's developed a pair of CHRISTINA AGUILERA-style pregnancy boobs.
Dear Pulitzer Committee,
As an esteemed member of your establishment, I'm writing to gracefully request you withhold my Pulitzer and award it to the investigative team at The Sun. Not only did these brave individuals address the tough issues of how pregorific are Ashlee Simpson's milk cannons, but they went the extra mile to compare her to Christina Aguilera. I like to believe their work speaks for itself, however, I could not sleep peacefully at night unless I did my very best to ensure their groundbreaking reporting was recognized.
Please, search your hearts and soul while weighing this monumental decision. And, also, take into account the true litmus test of any journalistic endeavor: OMG BOOBZ!
Semper Fi Mammarus,
The Superficial Writer
May 7 2008Christina Aguilera: A mommy after my own heart/pants
So, I just learned that drinking beer can help lactation which is about the greatest scientific discovery since that guy who put those fizzy things in bottles of Guinness (Excluding the time I choked on one.). According to Page Six, Christina Aguilera is all about making her awesome mammaries more lactalicious and hit up some bars with her hubby Beast Man:
The pop tart, who recently gave birth to son Max, went to Crown Bar in Los Angeles with hubby Jordan Bratman and friends, who had a few rounds before continuing the party at the Chateau Marmont. A source said Bratman, who stayed sober, drove home.
This is fantastic news for gentlemen, like myself, who enjoy picking up single moms at the club. Now I've got an easy in to buy one of them a drink: "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your lactation seems a bit low. May I be of some assistance?" Watch out, ladies, I just found your kryptonite...
UPDATE: HELP! The La Leche League is after me! I think I lost them down an alley - ACK! They're in my house! Ladies, I was only trying to hel - *POP* Oh yeah, that was a testicle. Mommy.
Continue Reading "Christina Aguilera: A mommy after my own heart/pants"
May 7 2008Dina Lohan honored for her parenting skills (Yup, you read that right)
Dina Lohan attended a ceremony last night held by Mingling Moms, a Long Island social networking for mothers, where she was honored as one of the organization's Top Moms. However, by attending, Dina skipped out on a mandatory visit to her shrink. But, damn, does she love those kids: Cash Girl and, uh, the boy- Petey? TMZ reports:
Her husband Michael told us that she was supposed to be at a court-ordered family therapy session just blocks away at the same time, but she chose to attend what looked more like a bachelorette party than a mothers' event.
Of course, the same group -- Mingling Moms -- also gave Jennifer Lopez an award for being a great mom, and she hasn't been a mom for three months.
I included a video after the jump so you can guys can check out the inner-workings of an event that honors Dina Lohan's maternal instincts. While the mammoth daiquiris wielded by these mommy dearesteses wasn't surprising, I couldn't help but notice the glaring absence of Satan who I assumed would be handing out the awards.
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May 6 2008Elisha Cuthbert brings nougaty bikini-ness to your boring ol' Tuesday
I love the stars of 24 and their heroic, undying dedication to patriotism. You've got Jack Bauer himself Kiefer Sutherland who singlehandedly keeps the good people at Jack Daniels in business. Then you've got his TV daughter Elisha Cuthbert who graces us with some soft-on-the-eyes bikini goodness. You don't get more American than this. Unless they were both eating apple pies and punching a Native American in the nose. If that were the case, we'd be obligated to stand up and salute our monitors. U.S.A.!
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May 6 20082008 MTV Movie Awards Nominees Announced
Any awards show brave and thoughtful enough to nominate National Treasure: Book of Secrets as the best picture of the year deserves our special attention. So clearly the MTV Movie Award nominations warrant your perusal. As executive producer Mark Burnett, and anyone with half a brain says, "I consider the MTV Movie Awards to be the most relevant movie award show in America today." No doubt! To reiterate, he's referring to the same awards that imply that there may have been no better movie made in 2007 than the second National Treasure, and that Jessica Biel may have churned out the best performance of any other actress when she let Adam Sandler touch her breasts since she thought he was gay.
Anyway, here they are:
Continue Reading "MTV Movie Awards Nominees Announced, Extremely Relevant"
May 6 2008Paris Hilton & children's toys: How can you lose?
Paris Hilton's personal touch will be seen on the new line of the the popular German fashion doll "Steffi Love." Jesus, who the hell would buy their kid a doll designed by Paris Hilton? Isn't that technically child abuse? I'd rather give my kid crack and his own spoon to cook it with. You know, at least give him a chance at life. But a Paris Hilton doll? Now the Germans have gone too far. Though I got to hand it to them for finally doing something that makes the Holocaust look freaking adorable in comparison.
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May 6 2008Britney Spears gets more time with her kids
Britney Spears has been granted a "graduated expansion" of her time with sons Jayden and Sean, according to Kevin Federline's lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan via TMZ's live feed. It appears to be official that Britney is no longer batshit insane and has demonstrated as much to the court. Kevin still retains full custody of the kids and, at this time, Britney's visits are still monitored. Though it was hinted that not every visit will be monitored. After Mark Kaplan spoke, Britney's parents issued a statement declaring their happiness with Britney's improvement and the court's decision.
I think I speak for everybody who's keeping their mouth shut that Britney's main problem was Sam Lutfi. The dude disappears and suddenly she knows how to wear underwear and speak her own language. That's a pretty big coincidence. Also she's no longer sandbagging Adnan, so whatever drugs Sam was given her that makes her fall in love with Middle Eastern-looking men has effectively worn off. Great. Now what do I do with all these turbans?
