Gwyneth Paltrow Has A Boyfriend? Okay…

July 17th, 2014 // 9 Comments
'Fuck You, I Want Meat'
Chris Martin
Chris Martin Is A Man Again Read More »

It’s no secret that Gwyneth Paltrow had tons of affairs while surreptitiously monogamous, but that was before she was locked in a battle to see who can be the most courteous separatist and still have sex with other people because it’s important to prove she lives on transcendental plane of conscious that extends far beyond the reach of mortal means. I heard it even has falafel. Which brings us to talk of Gwyneth’s new suitor and his floppish locks of hair, glistening in the moonlit sun. (I have no idea what that even means.) Page Six reports:

Gwyneth Paltrow was seen on a date with a “hot young guy” with dirty blond hair at Narcissa in the Standard East Village Tuesday.
“He had curly, shaggy hair and looked like he was in his 30s,” says our witness. “I think they may have been holding hands.”

Of course, I’m sure this has nothing to do with Chris Martin going on BBC Radio and boasting to the entire world that he eat meats now that he’s no longer confined to his spiritual discard’s nutritional sacrament. Gwyneth Paltrow is of royal lineage and royal lineage doesn’t revenge fuck on foreign soil. Every pauper knows this.

Photos: Fame/Flynet, Getty, INF, Splash News, WENN

Courtney Stodden’s In A Lettuce Bikini Again

July 17th, 2014 // 36 Comments

Because shoving giant cartoon tits into a lettuce bikini is the most effective, if not the only way to truly save the animals, here’s Courtney Stodden handing out veggie dogs at a PETA event on Capitol Hill yesterday. You’ll also notice her mother keeps seductively rubbing Courtney’s stomach because moms do that and go, “Hey, remember that Whitesnake concert back in ’86? What were you 30? 32? God, we steamed up that van making that video for those roadies. We never do things anymore.”

Photos: Splash News

‘Cheesecakes Costs Monies?’

July 17th, 2014 // 17 Comments

When Photo Boy slapped together these pics of Britney Spears leaving The Cheesecake Factory, he made sure to point out the look of sheer joy on her face. Which is almost definitely because of The Cheesecake Factory, but she could’ve just as easily watched Frozen so she’d stay in the booth. Have you seen that movie? The snowman talks! Anyway, the point of this post is she left without paying because why would Britney Spears understand basic concepts like the exchange of goods for services? “Y’all just walk in and eats!” The important thing is her dad quickly squared things away with the waitress while making it look like his daughter isn’t weaving in and out of restaurants like they’re her personal Golden Corral. TMZ reports:

Now she’s bringing in the ultimate peacemaker to make things right — Benjamin Franklin. Our Britney sources tell us the waitress is getting a $100 tip — more than 300%. That’s on top of the $30 tab.
We’re told Britney — who left with hard evidence of her heist (a doggie bag) — felt terrible about the mistake.

Witnesses say Britney walked into the restaurant carrying the bill in her mouth and had lots of questions about why grow’d ups like paper so much. She reportedly has a whole drawer of it in her bedroom, and a man named “Papa” buys more at “Walls-mart” if she colors “squigglies” on “bofe” sides. “Ain’t y’all got Papas?”

Photos: Fame/Flynet, Splash News

Selena Gomez Got A New Tattoo

July 17th, 2014 // 36 Comments

If there’s one thing that sticks it to your ex while he plows his way through aquatic ass-beasts, it’s a new tattoo, so here’s Selena Gomez showing off hers on Instagram. It apparently translates to “Love Yourself First” which is incredible because that’s literally all I do in the sack. It’s practically my signature move, so clearly our fates are intertwined and it’s cool if I break into your house and start packing stuff to move into my apartment. Our love doesn’t need verbal agreements. (Totes writing that on my back in Pig Latin.)

Photos: Fame/Flynet, Xposure/AKM-GSI

Lindsay Lohan Won A ‘Biggest Comeback’ Award. The Lindsay Lohan.

July 17th, 2014 // 48 Comments

When director Paul Haggis quit Scientology, the church labeled him a suppressive person and vowed to destroy his life. Which seems like an idle threat until you see him in these pictures handing Lindsay Lohan a Biggest Comeback Award, so clearly these people don’t fuck around. There’s destroying a man’s life, and then there’s crushing his soul to the point where he realizes there’s more dignity in jerking the Thetans out of Tom Cruise and locking women in the engine room of a slave ship. At least then he got a medal.

Photos: Splash News, Xposure/AKM-GSI

Chrissy Teigen Is All You Need To Know About The ESPYs And Other News

July 16th, 2014 // 31 Comments

- I already went nerd crazy with Lady Thor, so here’s a whole bunch of Avengers 2 info/pics. [Lainey Gossip]

- Lana Del Rey doesn’t want anyone to listen to her music now. Done. [Dlisted]

- Wait, the butt makes coffee, too? [theCHIVE]

- Rose McGowan knows Michael Jackson tried to look like her? What? [Fishwrapper]

- Good God, Hannah Ferguson… [Popoholic]

- Jenny McCarthy is still trying to say she wasn’t fired from The View. [Starpulse]

- Winnie Cooper got engaged. GODDAMMIT. [tooFab]

- Hey, remember Courtney Stodden? Whatever happened with that? [Hollywood Tuna]

- Jesus Fucking Bananaballs Christ, Genevieve Morton. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: Getty

The Crap We Missed – Wednesday 7.16.14

July 16th, 2014 // 486 Comments

Welcome to Wednesday’s The Crap We Missed where we’ve supplanted our usual large-titted famewhore for 90s The Rock in the lead position because this is the Internet and Kid ‘n’ Play hair + a leather fanny pack > Coco‘s nipple tassles. *rechecks tape on adding machine* Yep, that checks out. We’ve also got Snooki‘s pregnant ass because I hate your ability to see, Dane Cook because HAHA, remember him?, and Cameron Diaz tumbling around The Tonight Show set because she’s still so young and fun!

Seriously though, someone should probably call an ambulance, there are pieces of her hip everywhere.

- Photo Boy

Click Here To Start The Gallery

Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Well, That Horse Is Dead

July 16th, 2014 // 25 Comments
Paris Hilton Come Alive
WATCH: Paris Hilton - 'Come Alive'

Here’s Paris Hilton‘s new video for “Come Alive” which I didn’t make Photo Boy screencap because I like to draw the line at sexually-tinged indentured servitude. Anyway, I don’t know what the digital equivalent of taking a piss on something then lighting it on fire is (Wait. Yes, I do.), so here are some bikini photos from last week which I suggest looking at instead of watching Paris Hilton sing about emotions she’ll never be incapable of feeling. I’m pretty sure if she had a child, she’d probably just make a butler polish it or something.

“Ms. Hilton, I believe your son requires – ahem – feeding.”
“Uhhhh, you have nipples.”
“Very good, mum.”