Justin Verlander: ‘Yeah Yeah, Kate Upton’s Privacy Was Violated, PENNANT, BABY!’

September 4th, 2014 // 27 Comments
Kate Upton: The Fappening
Kate Upton Cleavage No Premiere New York Film Festival
How Is The Internet Still In One Piece? Read More »

[Ed. Note: So this post would've been up around 3 PM yesterday, but then every single server across the company basically looked at the Ark of Covenant, and here we are over 24 hours later recovering from one hell of a blackout. So long story short, I'm about to hit Publish, and honestly, I'm still not sure snakes won't fly out of the screen and kill me. I love each of you like a son/daughter/hermaphroditic porpoise. - SW]

Apparently Justin Verlander plays for the Detroit Tigers (Why would I need to know that information until I saw his penis go into Kate Upton?) who are in the middle of a pennant race, so the last thing he wants to talk about is, what should to be him, the horribly invasive breach of his girlfriend’s privacy because he’s fucking awesome at baseball and we should be talking about that instead. USA Today reports:

I’m not going to comment on my personal life,” Verlander said in the Tigers’ clubhouse before tonight’s game against the Cleveland Indians. “I never have, and I never plan on it. I keep my personal life personal.
“The focus for me is on the Detroit Tigers. I don’t want to take any focus away from this team and what we’re trying to accomplish. We’re in the middle of a pennant race. We’re trying to win a pennant. And all of my focus currently is on doing whatever I can to help our team win our division.”

Of course, it might’ve been nice of him to defend Kate’s honor by saying something like, “Curse you, villains!” but why even bother? She’s just going to fuck him in front of an iPhone again. He’s practically a god now.

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Photo: Getty

CeeLo’s TV Show Just Got Cancelled

September 3rd, 2014 // 12 Comments
Ceelo

In light of his recent tweets about rape that make Kanye look like a goddamn genius, fifth Ninja Turtle CeeLo Green just had his TV show canceled by TBS. THR reports:

TBS doesn’t want any part of Cee Lo Green’s The Good Life.
The Turner-owned cable network has canceled the unscripted series after one season, The Hollywood Reporter has confirmed.

When reached for comment, a TBS spokesperson said, “Oh, don’t worry, we did it while he was asleep, so as far as he’s concerned, it never even happened. People who get cancelled REMEMBER.”

Photo: Getty

Kim Kardashian Posed Naked For British GQ

September 3rd, 2014 // 49 Comments

People often forget that Kim Kardashian is only famous because she’s a porn star, a paid porn star who made a “sex tape” because apparently nobody can watch dongs going in anymore without Orwellian undertones. Anyway, here’s the bride of Kanye posing naked for British GQ which probably would’ve been awesome before the whole Internet saw Kate Upton with jizz on her back. Then again, there’s something to be said about a tastefully photographed ass crack the size of a goddamn canyon. There could’ve been a whole civilization in there. Obviously, it’s dead now, we all saw the video, but still one can’t help but wonder what it was like.

Photos: British GQ

Daisy Lowe Won The GQ Men of The Year Awards

September 3rd, 2014 // 14 Comments

You might hear some talk about some other woman winning at The GQ Men of The Year Awards in London last night, but that information is bullshit because Daisy Lowe‘s breasts destroyed anything and everything in their path. One of them even controls Parliament now. Or will once they’re aware of my Doomsday Device. Photo Boy ready the zeppelin! (Can you tell I’m writing whatever bullshit pops into my head before the servers fart out again? Well, stop, because you should be looking at the boobs. Time is a factor.)

Photos: AKM-GSI, Getty, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Good Morning, Petra Benova, And Other News

September 3rd, 2014 // 7 Comments

- Chris Martin was with Gwyneth Paltrow during The Fappening. Interesting… [Lainey Gossip]

- Chris Brown apparently can admit guilt. [Dlisted]

- Wait. Why are you looking at hair? [theCHIVE]

- And now 17-year-old Katy Perry: Christian music artist. [Fishwrapper]

- ‘Hey! Listen!’ Women Have Been Gaming For Decades [The Frisky]

- Good God, Hannah Ferguson. [Popoholic]

- RIP, Russian Space Sex Geckos. [Death and Taxes]

- Apple says The Fappening isn’t their fault. [Starpulse]

- Adam Levine‘s making music videos with Behati Prinsloo now. [tooFab]

- Kelly Brook’s 2015 Calendar Preview [Hollywood Tuna]

- Kendall Jenner did the Ice Bucket Challenge in a bikini. Of course. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: Splash News

January Jones Wants Fat Jews To Drink Her Butt Sweat

September 2nd, 2014 // 3 Comments

Over the weekend, we basically saw everybody naked. More specifically Kate Upton, so I don’t even know what to do with my life anymore because I’m pretty sure it just peaked. Anyway, now January Jones is going around telling fat Jews she’s flattered that they want to drink her butt water because we’re living in the Apocalypse. It’s the goddamn end of days, and before you even say it, yes, the pop-up video on the bottom right probably caused it. I warned them this would happen, but nooooo, “third quarter revenues blah blah blah.” Via Uproxx:

What does it say about me that not only did this comment from @thefatjewish not offend me, it flattered me. And I try not to sweat at a rule so that’s saying something. #lightenup

You can see thefatjewish‘s comment below which January posted to Instagram in a shocking display of personality and longing for human contact. I just assumed she communicated through a series of icicles and child-killing glares, so now my entire world is even more upside down. Hold me.

January Jones’ Butt Water Is Yours To Desire After The Jump

Error Establishing A Database Connection?

September 2nd, 2014 // 23 Comments

Luther Desk Flip

And I’m taking a breather. See you guys later tonight, maybe tomorrow. It’s a mystery.

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CeeLo Green Is The Raping Machine

September 2nd, 2014 // 26 Comments
CeeLo Green
And Cancelled
Ceelo
Maybe Stop Tweeting About Rape. Just A Thought. Read More »

After Kanye and Bieber, I hate to rag on a third black guy in a row, but Jesus Christ, CeeLo. Barely 72 hours after pleading no contest to slipping ecstasy into a woman’s drink in 2012, he apparently thought it’d be a great idea to go on Twitter and say rape doesn’t count if the person is unconscious. Yup. Via Buzzfeed who screencapped the fuck out of this before it was deleted:

- if someone is passed out they’re not even WITH you consciously! so WITH implies consent
- women who have really been raped REMEMBER!!!

Fortunately, he stopped after that and didn’t dig himself even deeper. — Haha! Just kidding. He totally did: More »