Welcome to Tuesday’s The Crap We Missed, which will probably be the last one until after Thanksgiving, so here’s my advice for dealing with your bullshit extended family on Native American Genocide Day. Anytime your uncle says “Obama” or “Obamacare,” you take a shot or chug the closest alcohol to you. (Yes, mouthwash and your aunt’s Gin & Fanta are both completely acceptable.) Anytime your grandfather starts a sentence with “Well, on Fox News they said,” you’re allowed to smash the porcelain gravy boat and stab him in the neck. Finally, if anyone brings up Breaking Bad, you immediately praise it as Jesus’ gift unto television and compare it to The Wire and/or The Sopranos. Or you could just bypass the whole meal and go shopping, because fuck retail employees. They aren’t even real people, amirite corporate America?!
Ok, holiday rant complete. Time for some links, let me see what I’ve got here. There’s the usual butts, blah blah, Ashley Greene dying in the street, yadda yadda The Pope‘s epic battle with Satan and HOLY SHIT, Aaron Carter‘s just making out with fans in the front row now.
That should hold you guys over,
- Photo Boy
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Photo: Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN
In an interview with 92.3 yesterday, Kanye West told everyone in New York who still listens to radio to not buy anything Louis Vuitton until after January because everyone knows Christmas is Yeezus’ birthday, so you best direct commerce in a manner befitting of your king or he’ll smack Kim Kardashian‘s ass and cause a tsunami. Do the eyes look like they’re joking? And have done cocaine? I rest my case. TMZ reports:
Kanye was on 92.3 NOW radio station moments ago when he handed down the edict, saying, “Everybody in New York City right now, don’t buy any Louis Vuitton until after January.”
Kanye says he’s trying to make a point to the head of Louis Vuitton, Yves Carcelle, who refused to meet with the rapper the last time he was in Paris.
That’s funny because right now, with this exact sentence, I’m actually telling everyone in New York to buy Louis Vuitton, so we’ll see who’s the real power player, son. If their sales drop, Kanye’s the leather jogging pants son of God. If their sales stay the same, or even increase, he has to accept me, his new Lord and Savior, into his heart where I’ll guide him down a new path of righteous and shutting the hell up. Or I’ll make him say, “Yo, for real, did Ray J seriously piss on you?” every time Kim tries to have a conversation. I haven’t made up my holy mind yet.
Photos: INFphoto, SPOT/AKM-GSI, Splash News
Initially, we skipped these Kate Upton photos because going by the thumbnails, they looked boring as shit. But then we examined them closer and found a beautiful, romantic synergy between sand, woman, and beast- boobs. We saw her boobs. And underwear! Real girl ones, too. Photo Boy didn’t believe me back at the treehouse until I went for the cootie spray. He knew then. He knew then…
Was the nipple suit necessary? Like everything on this site, not in the least.
In case you can’t tell by the Lil Kim and Macaulay Culkin posts, we’re basically catching up on the stories from the weekend that the AMAs, and all the pussy jokes contained wherein, shoved to the side. So here’s Beyoncé getting banned from the pyramids because she kept one of Egypt’s most renowned archaeologists waiting and did that weird shit about getting her picture taken again. The Independent reports:
“She said she would come at 3pm but she came late. I said ‘You have to say I’m sorry I’m late’. But she didn’t open her mouth,” continued Dr Hawass, credited with modernising the management of Egypt’s ancient sites and who claims to have repatriated 6,000 artefacts “stolen” by Western powers.
“I brought a photographer and she also had a photographer and a guard. When my photographer started to shoot, he said ‘No, Stop! I am the one who says yes or no, not you.’ I said ‘In that case since you almost hit my photographer and you are not polite – out! I am not giving you the privilege of having you on my tour.’ I said Beyoncé was stupid and I left.”
The matter was later cleared up after Dr. Hawass admitted he mistook Beyoncé’s white companion for a mummy escaped from one of the crypts. “I guess I should have known when the creature requested a meal of exactly eight flax seeds, yet it also demanded pure water from an ancient, engraved urn, much like a pharaoh would, so I threw a scarab at its head and called it a bitch. I was acting on reflex.”
Photos: Splash News
The cameltoe-gunt hybrid says this is Snooki, but the bleached albino face also says Lil Kim. So let’s meet in the middle, and just say it’s The Leprechaun because, if you think about it, we’ll never really know for sure if it isn’t will we? No. No, we won’t.
Photos: Pacific Coast News, Splash News
Here’s Macaulay Culkin with his new girlfriend in Paris over the weekend, and if you’re first reaction is to freak the fuck out because she looks like Mila Kunis, keep in mind that before this he was DJing parties for tiny plastic dinosaurs. So dating someone who looks like his ex is not only perfectly healthy, but shows an amazing amount of restraint because if I had his money, I’d jump right to giving hookers plastic surgery while saying creepy shit like, “Pity, this one didn’t survive the smelting process. Guess we’ll have to try, try, try again…”