Jennifer Lawrence Is Banging Chris Martin, Gwyneth Paltrow’s Chris Martin

August 15th, 2014 // 41 Comments
'I Can Eat Meat Now!'
Chris Martin
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“Who’s gettin’ GOOPed now, bitch? WHA?”

Gwyneth Paltrow is a wound tight, meticulous of curator macrobiotic living filtered through a sexy, breezy pashmina that only costs $25,000, so any single, working mom can afford it. Jennifer Lawrence… well, Jennifer Lawrence doesn’t give a fuck. She’ll fart, burp, make a demon face on the red carpet to crack Taylor Swift‘s veneer, and basically do things that make Gwyneth Paltrow take 14 Xanax at night. “Are those.. paper plates? My pills. WHERE ARE MOMMY’S PILLS?!” Not to mention, Jennifer Lawrence actually has breasts and they’re like staring into Jesus’s eyes, so really it shouldn’t be a surprise that Chris Martin is dating her which I’m sure has nothing to do with Gwyneth using Us Weekly to tell the world she has a new boyfriend. Purely coincidence. E! News reports:

Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin are seeing each other, multiple sources confirm to E! News. We’re told that the pair has been spending quality together since late June after the Oscar winner split with her X-Men costar Nicholas Hoult.

And Chris Martin thought fast food was awesome.

“Alright, baby, I got an early morning. Do me from behind.”
“Whoa, wait. You mean you don’t want to spend 14 hours doing Tantric yoga before having missionary-style intercourse through the fly of our Ecuadorian slumber chinos?”
“Dude, I don’t know what the fuck you just said. Stick it in before I punch you in the mouth.”
“Yes, mum.”
“Did you just call me your mom? Hell yeah.”

Photos: Getty

The Crap We Missed – Friday 8.15.14

August 15th, 2014 // 266 Comments

Well, it’s Friday already and time for another The Crap We Missed, the daily post I put together that’s full of boobs, butts, “accidentally” naked boobs, boobs, butts and John Travolta wearing lipstick while Fish and I debate all day on whether the conversation about the use of a militarized police force is really overshadowing the socioeconomic factors that lead up to a Ferguson, Mo type event from even happening in the first place.

These issues are inseparable and hold tremendous bearing on the direction our swiftly dividing nation is headed. The important thing is to keep having these conversations in a logical, rational manner, with all sides using open minds to set aside the long-held beliefs, discrimination, and paranoia that ultimately lead to such vitriolic responses as looting and/or firing tear gas into peaceful protests. Blame and finger-pointing will lead to nothing but defensive backlash regardless of what stance is taken. The only way to effectively move forward as a society is collective acceptance that we’re still doing a terrible job with this whole “liberty and justice for all” thing and that maybe some new approaches need consideration.

Just thought you should know what goes on in this tit blogger’s monkey-boy assistant’s mind until it interrupts with “Is that front-butt? Oh yeah, that’s front-butt, that’s totally going in.”

- Photo Boy

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Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Why Is Chelsea Handler Naked? WHY?

August 15th, 2014 // 39 Comments

Chelsea Handler slept her way onto television before becoming Jennifer Aniston‘s best friend, so sure, I guess that makes her a better person than a Kardashian. I’m not going to fight her on it. And the reason I bring any of that up is because she decided to pose naked on Instagram yesterday and caption it, “I’m a Kardashian,” because, haha, get it? They Photoshop their pics, too. That was the joke right? Because you can’t see Chelsea’s nipple even though it should be right fucking there? Or is it because the famous one’s a porn star? You know what? I’ve already put way too much thought into this when I should be clawing my eyes out. Give me that fork.

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So Daryl Dixon Might Be Gay

August 15th, 2014 // 88 Comments
Daryl Dixon Norman Reedus Walking Dead

If you’re like me, you probably know a lot of rednecks who love The Walking Dead because of all the guns, and the zombies, and the guns, so those people are in for a treat when Daryl Dixon, the most badass character on the show, turns out to be gay. Here’s series creator Robert Kirkman talking to ComicBook.com via Uproxx where commenters are already threatening to quit the show because they’re tired of “the gay agenda, man.”

When asked about the possibility that Daryl is gay Kirkman said, ‘All I can say is that it’s been discussed.’
‘We have very specific ideas about Daryl’s sexuality, or the seeming lack thereof, and if there’s ever a quiet period in the show where he’s not consistently distracted by crossbowing, we’ll tackle it in the show.’
When asked if that was something the show’s producers would allow, Kirkman replied, ‘For the record, they absolutely would.’

I really should’ve saved the America Boner for this post. Dammit. Anyway, here’s to what I’m sure will be an insightful discussion on how a stereotype-bending character on television’s highest-rated show is long overdue and not some progressive conspiracy to queer up your kids who are already half-gay from common core math anyway. Make me proud.

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An Excuse To Post The Alice Eve Topless GIF? On It

August 15th, 2014 // 16 Comments

Alice Eve reportedly got engaged to her high school sweetheart, but instead of talking about whatever the hell I just said back there, I’m going to remember all those times her breasts were on the site while they were promoting Star Trek Into Darkness, and I’d gratuitously add this topless GIF because I still believed in the power of journalism. I don’t know where that fire’s gone, but dammit, I’m bringing it back!

Alice Eve Topless GIF (NSFW) After The Jump

And Selena Gomez Is Banging Justin Bieber Again God F*cking Dammit!

August 15th, 2014 // 36 Comments
At Least Use Sanitizer
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Because getting swatted at by Orlando Bloom (for a good reason) makes you look like a sad puppy, Selena Gomez is apparently over banging European dudes and/or Cara Delevingne at the same time and back to thinking Justin Bieber won’t screw whores behind her back. So here’s the two of them leaving Bible study Wednesday night in a since-deleted Instagram photo he posted with the caption, “Right now everything else is a blur.” The Daily Mail reports:

‘The pair sat next to each other while partaking in Bible study and seemed very close. They then left together in Bieber’s car.
‘Justin looked really comfortable with Selena as he still thinks their bond is unbreakable and knows that Selena will always love him.’
He took to Twitter later to post: ‘God is good’, which was retweeted by his fans 68,000 times.

God then replied, “Oh, I’m good alright. Good at hating Selena Gomez! Amirite? High five! Anyone? — Ah, you guys suck. JESUS! Tell your mother to get me a beer.”

Photo: Instagram

Good Morning, Maitland Ward, And Other News

August 15th, 2014 // 29 Comments

- Hopefully Reese Witherspoon didn’t have to pronounce any stupid French last names. [Lainey Gossip]

- Katy Perry admits she isn’t very smart. You fucked John Mayer. We know. [Dlisted]

- Meet the Chivettes of ChiveFest Denver [theCHIVE]

- Khloe Kardashian can officially add “gun-toting video ho” to her resume. [Fishwrapper]

- Sveva Alviti is some model that’s topless. [WWTDD]

- If You’re Privileged And You Know It, STFU [The Frisky]

- What’s up, Jordana Brewster? [Popoholic]

- Apparently Robin Williams had Parkinson’s. Awkward. [Starpulse]

- Wait, Donald Trump has a hot 20-year-old daughter? [tooFab]

- Hello, Josephine Skriver… [Hollywood Tuna]

- Jessica Alba cleans up well. [Celebslam]

- Even Miley Cyrus is pretending to be a lesbian now. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: Splash News

The Crap We Missed – Thursday 8.14.14

August 14th, 2014 // 461 Comments

Welcome to Thursday’s The Crap We Missed featuring Mickey Rourke‘s hilariously fake hairline, Yanni‘s incomprehensible throng of tween fans, and that dude who drank jizz in American Pie taking a selfie onstage with Blues Traveler for some reason. What’s that? Stifler was the dude who drank the jizz? You’re forgetting that I have a drinking problem I’m the guy whose job it is to find random asses and post them online. How much satisfaction are you really going to get by pointing out my stupidity?

Enjoy reevaluating your life choices for the rest of the afternoon,

- Photo Boy

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Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News