Normally, I start each morning with bikini photos, but today I decided to go with Shia LaBeouf’s dick because sometimes I just want to watch the world burn. Anyway, to make up for that here’s Ashlee Simpson sunbathing on her honeymoon which were basically free because Jessica Simpson‘s not in them. There was a time when Joe Simpson might’ve paid money for them, but he’s done pretending to be straight which he apparently equated with wanting to fuck your daughters. Is that what gays think of us? Because we’re not all Billy Ray Cyrus. This Peeping Tom guy, but not Billy Ray Cyrus. No one likes a stereotype.
Taylor Swift‘s schtick used to be writing songs about jerk boys who didn’t make every single date like The Notebook. But she’s evolved as an artist (and a woman… nope, that wasn’t creepy) and has moved on to writing songs about other pop stars who steal her roadies or some stupid bullshit. I honestly don’t know because she’s literally all wet in the pictures. Where am I? What’s happening? Focus, FOCUS. Via Rolling Stone:
Swift’s focus on sisterhood cuts both ways, because when another woman crosses her, she’s equally fierce about hitting back. The angriest song on 1989 is called “Bad Blood,” and it’s about another female artist Swift declines to name. “For years, I was never sure if we were friends or not,” she says. “She would come up to me at awards shows and say something and walk away, and I would think, ‘Are we friends, or did she just give me the harshest insult of my life?’” Then last year, the other star crossed a line. “She did something so horrible,” Swift says. “I was like, ‘Oh, we’re just straight-up enemies.’ And it wasn’t even about a guy! It had to do with business. She basically tried to sabotage an entire arena tour. She tried to hire a bunch of people out from under me. And I’m surprisingly non-confrontational – you would not believe how much I hate conflict. So now I have to avoid her. It’s awkward, and I don’t like it.”
And just so everyone’s absolutely clear she’s definitely talking about Katy Perry who dated John Mayer right after he dumped Taylor, here’s the very next sentence: More »
Yesterday, Ray Rice was cut from the Baltimore Ravens and suspended indefinitely from the NFL after an elevator video was released showing him knocking out his fiance before dragging her unconscious body and leaving it on the floor. Unfortunately, she still went on to marry him and helped beg the NFL to let him keep his job, so it really shouldn’t come as a sad, disturbing surprise that Janay’s lashing out at the media for ruining her life. Via The Baltimore Sun:
The Baltimore Sun has verified that the following unabridged message from her official Instagram account is from Janay Rice and was intended to be released publicly:
“I woke up this morning feeling like I had a horrible nightmare, feeling like I’m mourning the death of my closest friend,” Janay Rice wrote. “But to have to accept the fact that it’s reality is a nightmare in itself. No one knows the pain that [the] media & unwanted options from the public has caused my family. To make us relive a moment in our lives that we regret every day is a horrible thing. To take something away from the man I love that he has worked his ass [off] for all his life just to gain ratings is horrific.
“THIS IS OUR LIFE! What don’t you all get. If your intentions were to hurt us, embarrass us, make us feel alone, take all happiness away, you’ve succeeded on so many levels. Just know we will continue to grow & show the world what real love is! Ravensnation we love you!”
The psychological components involved with battered and abused women is way beyond my titty site purview, so I’ll leave the inevitable, misplaced golddigging comments to the peanut gallery. However, I will say what we’re all thinking which is “BITCH, GET OUT DA HOUSE! RUN!” And now back to the video itself. Up until yesterday, the NFL pretty much acted liked they saw it, but as soon as it was leaked to the public and the entire Internet saw Ray Rice only get a two game suspension for brutally knocking a woman unconscious, the NFL immediately started clutching their pearls and denying they ever saw it. Which turns out might be the case because, according to TMZ, they didn’t want to watch it or know how a half-undressed woman ended up unconscious and being dragged out of an elevator. Maybe she saw a spider! More »
- Kristen Wiig might have banged Scott Speedman. [Lainey Gossip]
- Fran Drescher‘s new husband didn’t invent email by the way. [Dlisted]
- Future Lower Back Problems > Fantasy Football [theCHIVE]
- Miley Cyrus bought a hot glue gun and thinks she’s an artist now. [Fishwrapper]
- Mark Driscoll‘s frat boy Jesus empire is crumbling. [Death and Taxes]
- Hannah Ferguson underboob, anyone? [WWTDD]
- Kate Upton‘s breasts haven’t gotten smaller since The Fappening. Thank God. [Popoholic]
- Oh, Jesus, we’re merging boy bands now? Goddammit. [Starpulse]
- Channing Tatum presents “The Dick Graze.” [tooFab]
- Goddamn, Vienna Girardi. [Hollywood Tuna]
- Ashley Benson allegedly has leaked nudes now. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]
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Photo: Fame/Flynet, Splash News
Welcome to Monday’s The Crap We Missed, located directly under Nina Agdal in a bikini, because I need your help, science. In the natural world, that picture should never be followed by another reminder that we’re all laughing at Jonah Hill eating himself to death, yet here we are. I’ve always considered this post to be the bastard child of the two simultaneously held desires to see shit like Willem Dafoe‘s uncontrollable bloodlust taking over and this old lady‘s nipples, but I need the help of professionals whose college degrees didn’t require classes like Images in Mass Media.
Yes, that was the one where we watched a movie, then talked about the movie. (Please don’t ever stop visiting this page. I can’t go back to the service industry.)
- Photo Boy
Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News
So remember back in May when Kesha looked sort of decent for a minute? That’s all over now. But before I go any further, is it too soon to say these are almost as bad as the Ray Rice video? Because I definitely told Photo Boy to stop saying that, but he just looked right at me and stabbed a kitten. You think you know somebody.
As part of a coordinated effort to make both organizations look like they’ve never seen the video of him knocking out his fiance until today (which contradicts several reports), the Baltimore Ravens officially cut Ray Rice while the NFL has suspended him indefinitely because, again, the elevator video is really that bad, and even worse, that woman’s probably going to be dead after this. What’s important is everybody eventually did the right thing after they all got caught letting a domestic abuser continue to make them millions of dollars while getting rich himself in the process. Because, honestly, the NFL didn’t have to do jackshit and it would’ve kept on chugging along, so you can either consider that a pat on the back, or me shaking my head and going “goddammit…” It works both ways.
While Gwyneth Paltrow wouldn’t give a commoner’s wedding the time of day let alone her royal Jewish presence and all the gifts that would bestow, Beyonce at least has the decency to pose with a bride even while acting unnecessarily terrified of her face. The poor girl’s just excited to be married and not yet riddled with the guilt of faking a divorce to boost ticket sales. Surely, you remember what that was like that one time.
Photos: CIAO / Xposure / AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, INFphoto, Splash News