Tony Stewart Not Facing Criminal Charges For Killing Kevin Ward

August 11th, 2014 // 42 Comments
Tony Stewart
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If you were on Facebook or Twitter for at least 30 seconds yesterday, then you probably caught wind that NASCAR driver Tony Stewart killed 20-year-old Kevin Ward during a sprint car race Saturday night in New York. The very basic information is that Stewart caused Ward to crash – as rednecks tell me is his wont – prompting Ward to walk down the track, with cars still racing, and attempt to confront Stewart whose car connected with him killing him dead. Where the heated discussions start and will ultimately ignite the next Civil War are whether or not Stewart deliberately tried to fishtail like a hardass to scare the shit out of Ward which went horribly wrong, or he actually meant to run him the fuck over, or an idiot walked into the middle of a race track and natural selection happened. Which is apparently where the police are at because they announced yesterday that there are no pending charges for Stewart. SB Nations reports:

The investigation into the incident that killed sprint car driver Kevin Ward Jr. on Saturday night is still ongoing, according to Ontario County (N.Y.) Sheriff Philip C. Povero. At present, no charges are pending against NASCAR driver Tony Stewart, whose car struck Ward. The fatality occurred at Canandaigua Motorsports Park, a dirt track located in upstate New York.
“As we speak at this time, there is no evidence in hand or no facts that would support a criminal charge or support criminal intent on the part of anybody,” Povero said.

As for why the hell I’m posting any of this, SEO? Maybe? Am I allowed to say that? It’ll help me post Victoria Secret’s models in lingerie faster. — Thought that’d get you on board. We ride!

Video After The Jump

Miley Cyrus Stole Nicki Minaj’s Butt And Made It White (Yup)

August 11th, 2014 // 35 Comments
Miley Cyrus Nicki Minaj Butt Anaconda

A while back there was a quietly brushed under the rug shitstorm about Miley Cyrus appropriating black culture, so here she is stealing a black woman’s body and Photoshopping it white which should put all of that to bed. Because if there’s one way to truly a respect a race, it’s essentially saying it’d look better with your white face and skin. This is better than reparations.

Miley Cyrus Photoshopped Nicki Minaj’s Butt After The Jump

The 2014 Teen Choice Awards

August 11th, 2014 // 163 Comments
'Shut Up About Fat Brother'
Kim Kardashian Nipples Legs High Slit Dress Almost Panty Flash
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Someone just spotted Kim Kardashian.

I’ve grown old enough where I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be a teenager and now hate them for their youthful vigor and freedom to make stupid choices with abandon. Case in point: I once drove an hour to the nearest Best Buy to buy Limp Bizkit’s Significant Other. A dystopian society where our emotions are administered by robots would’ve detected this weakness and laser beamed me in the dick, so keep that in mind. Anyway, to drive that stupid part home, here’s The 2014 Teen Choice Awards where Cancer Girlfriend (That’s the title. Shut up.) won everything and the Kardashians were invited as role models and not gag urinals. Which is why it’s time to stop hoping for moon bases and AIDS cures and set our sights on more realistic goals like advanced boob jiggling in video games. Which actually sounds awesome, and now I feel bad about those kids I shot on my yard. One of them might perfect CGI nipples.

Photos: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Amy Willerton Is Topless And Other News

August 11th, 2014 // 15 Comments

- Kristen Stewart is still bitching about being famous. [Lainey Gossip]

- Sinead O’Connor thinks Justin Bieber is sexually exploited. Run, Usher! She knows! [Dlisted]

- There Are Sexy Chivers Among Us [theCHIVE]

- Julia Roberts is talking shit about Halle Berry. [Fishwrapper]

- If Ryan Gosling didn’t know Jane Fonda wants him to eat her vagina, he does now. [The Frisky]

- January Jones in lingerie, anyone? [WWTDD]

- I will fucking kill you, Hayden Christensen. Fucking kill you dead. [Popoholic]

- Beyonce‘s still trying to shut down divorce rumors. [Starpulse]

- Jennifer Aniston won’t “inject shit” into her face. [tooFab]

- Remember Victoria Jackson? Apparently she ran for office. And lost. [IDLYITW]

- I don’t pay near enough attention to Nina Dobrev. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Chris Brown is beating the shit out of nature now. [Celebslam]

- Anastasia Ashley‘s butt sells things now. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: FameFlynet

Michael Bay Is The Antichrist: A Review of ‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’

August 8th, 2014 // 47 Comments
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2014

Last week, I missed a significant chunk of Guardians of The Galaxy thanks to pure death violently escaping my body. And yet what I did get to see in a fevered, anxious fugue was still light years beyond Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in every possible way. If Guardians was a throwback to classic 80s adventures like Star Wars, Raiders of The Lost Ark, Buckaroo Banzai, and The Last Starfighter, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is a throwback to the piece of shit Transformers movie you just saw four weeks ago. It’s everything wrong with Hollywood right down to casting Whoopi Goldberg as a sassy black woman whose sole purpose is to not want to hear ’bout no karate kicking turtles and then literally disappearing for the rest of the movie. So right off the bat, yes, you can feel Michael Bay all over this thing. Touching it, caressing it, maybe asking if it wants to hang in the Jacuzzi later. You know, there could be a sequel if it plays it cards right…

‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ Review After The Jump

The Most Important People on The Internet:
Volume 4.21

August 8th, 2014 // 27 Comments

So good news: I survived Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles without vital organs sloughing out of my butt. However, the loss of my time along with subsequent brain damage will affect every man, woman, and child on the planet. Or just the ones following me on Twitter. Anyway, to make up for a light day while I get to work writing about everything wrong with Hollywood ninja kicking a robot samurai, here’s this week’s The Most Important People on The Internet which may include a selection from my “private collection.” I’m still a bit disoriented from seeing a movie that entirely hinges on Megan Fox‘s acting. There aren’t enough filthy Ferraris in the world to justify that. Unless Michael Bay‘s moved onto economy sedans… Jesus Christ, we’re all dead.

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Sylvie van der Vaart In A Bikini Is The Crap I Missed

August 8th, 2014 // 15 Comments

Alright, folks, Photo Boy’s on vacation, so I’ve been flying/scrambling solo today and have to catch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles shortly. Hopefully, I’ll dodge the same fate as my attempt to review Guardians of The Galaxy (which I still haven’t seen again yet), but I’m pretty sure I’ll be fine because I have zero interest in seeing this raccoons-with-machine-guns-less piece of shit outside of writing 10,000 words about why it’s a piece of shit, so look for that later today. For real this time. On that note, here’s Sylvie van der Vaart to keep you busy, but no fapping or Kate Upton won’t get naked. We’re focusing on the big picture now.

Photos: CordonPress/AKM-GSI

Kate Upton Won’t Get Naked And It’s Your Fault

August 8th, 2014 // 28 Comments
Shh, No More Talking
Kate Upton Fat Weight Gain Lily Aldridge Midriff Legs Short Shorts
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In a new interview with Details, Kate Upton reveals why she’ll never pose naked, and it’s because of jerks already putting photos of her all over the Internet for people to get boners from them which apparently isn’t “art” even though I ritualistically paint my penis in the style of Gustav Klimt every morning before breakfast, so maybe check your privilege, Kate:

For me those photos are art. Your body is art, your body is beautiful, and to be photographed in that way is amazing and it’s received in a very positive way. But with social media and the Internet and not so great blogs and the attention like that, I don’t think that my pictures would be received in the way that I’d want them to be received. That’s why I’ve stayed away from them. I really appreciate those photos and I think those women are beautiful, but I think social media and the Internet has prevented me from putting myself out there like that.

Kate Upton made a Hot Pockets video with Snoop Dogg, so I’m pretty sure she gave up the right to lecture anyone about art if not dinner pastries. That said, I’m personally offended that she thinks me, a “not so great” blogger, wouldn’t tastefully post her nudes to the Internet. For the record, I already have scented candles sitting right here which I will painstakingly light while the romantic Nelly ballad “Hot In Herre” plays in the background. It’ll be like a night of culture at the Louvre provided the Louvre is some sort of giant masturbating arena from TRON which I’ll argue to the death it is.

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