Chrissy Teigen Is All You Need To Know About The ESPYs And Other News

July 16th, 2014 // 31 Comments

- I already went nerd crazy with Lady Thor, so here’s a whole bunch of Avengers 2 info/pics. [Lainey Gossip]

- Lana Del Rey doesn’t want anyone to listen to her music now. Done. [Dlisted]

- Wait, the butt makes coffee, too? [theCHIVE]

- Rose McGowan knows Michael Jackson tried to look like her? What? [Fishwrapper]

- Good God, Hannah Ferguson… [Popoholic]

- Jenny McCarthy is still trying to say she wasn’t fired from The View. [Starpulse]

- Winnie Cooper got engaged. GODDAMMIT. [tooFab]

- Hey, remember Courtney Stodden? Whatever happened with that? [Hollywood Tuna]

- Jesus Fucking Bananaballs Christ, Genevieve Morton. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: Getty

The Crap We Missed – Wednesday 7.16.14

July 16th, 2014 // 486 Comments

Welcome to Wednesday’s The Crap We Missed where we’ve supplanted our usual large-titted famewhore for 90s The Rock in the lead position because this is the Internet and Kid ‘n’ Play hair + a leather fanny pack > Coco‘s nipple tassles. *rechecks tape on adding machine* Yep, that checks out. We’ve also got Snooki‘s pregnant ass because I hate your ability to see, Dane Cook because HAHA, remember him?, and Cameron Diaz tumbling around The Tonight Show set because she’s still so young and fun!

Seriously though, someone should probably call an ambulance, there are pieces of her hip everywhere.

- Photo Boy

Click Here To Start The Gallery

Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Well, That Horse Is Dead

July 16th, 2014 // 25 Comments
Paris Hilton Come Alive
WATCH: Paris Hilton - 'Come Alive'

Here’s Paris Hilton‘s new video for “Come Alive” which I didn’t make Photo Boy screencap because I like to draw the line at sexually-tinged indentured servitude. Anyway, I don’t know what the digital equivalent of taking a piss on something then lighting it on fire is (Wait. Yes, I do.), so here are some bikini photos from last week which I suggest looking at instead of watching Paris Hilton sing about emotions she’ll never be incapable of feeling. I’m pretty sure if she had a child, she’d probably just make a butler polish it or something.

“Ms. Hilton, I believe your son requires – ahem – feeding.”
“Uhhhh, you have nipples.”
“Very good, mum.”

It’s Jeff Goldblum’s 31-Year-Old Fiancee In A Bikini

July 16th, 2014 // 42 Comments
Previously In Bikinis
Lindsay Lohan Bikini
These Aren't Helping. I've Made A Mistake. Read More »

“Hey, everyone look at my new wife I found!”
“Thank you, sir, I was out there for weeks after falling from that boat. I’m so very hungry.”
“Isn’t she lovely?”
“Sir, please, I’m losing consciousness.”
“Wanna see me kiss her?!”

Yup, nailed it.

Photos: Fame/Flynet

Thor’s A Woman And Captain America’s Probably Black #ThanksObama

July 16th, 2014 // 81 Comments
Wallace Did It First
Michael B. Jordan
The Human Torch Is Black Read More »

In the same week that saw Archie gunned down in a mall shooting saving his gay best friend from a right-wing nut, Marvel announced on The View yesterday that Thor‘s a woman now. And according to writer Jason Aaron, “she’s not She-Thor or Lady Thor. She’s not Thorika. She is Thor. This is the new Thor.” So there you have it, and from a man whose first Thor arc was a goddamn masterpiece (I’d almost say it’s his magnum opus, but Southern Bastards only just started.) On top of that, Joe Quesada is making another big Marvel announcement on The Colbert Report tonight, and all signs are pointing to that being a Black Captain America, so somewhere a KKK candy kitchen just exploded. Now how do I, a long-time comic reader with his virginal penis tucked safely in a Mylar bag, feel about this? Exactly like I did when Wallace became The Human Torch: I don’t give a shit as long as the story is good. You could make Spider-Man a transgender koala bear who smacks gossip bloggers in the face with his 25 dicks, and I’d go, “Great. Awesome. How’s the story?” after suing you for stealing my fan-fiction. Just stealing it so hard. These characters were created in a time when they had to be predominantly white, straight males or else they wouldn’t sell because the golden, white picket fence age of America that Obama clearly stole from us with his nigger-knife was racist as shit and crazy misogynistic. Not only could you beat and maritally rape your wife with abandon, but you could divorce her, take the kids and leave her dirt poor while a judge politely offers you a smooth Pall Mall for the drive over to your mistress’ place. And some of you just teared up reading that, didn’t you? Goddammit.

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Photo: Esad Ribic/Marvel

‘Aw Yeah, Lindsay Lohan Bikini Pics!’ – Nobody

July 16th, 2014 // 26 Comments

Because once you write about one coke-monster, you kind of want to write about them all, here’s Lindsay Lohan swimming off her hangover in Ischia yesterday. And if these seem spectacularly disappointing, you should see the Kate Upton bikini pics we couldn’t afford. I’m talking her giant breasts were falling out and everything. I’m not safe to be around right now. *flips over desk, tries to harvest Photo Boy’s plasma with a spork*

Photos: Splash News

Here’s Charlie Sheen Drunk Off His Ass In A Taco Bell Drive-Thru

July 16th, 2014 // 21 Comments
Charlie Sheen Drunk Taco Bell
WATCH: Charlie Sheen Drunk At Taco Bell

Charlie Sheen‘s currently in the middle of a custody spat with Denise Richards which seems odd because who wouldn’t want this guy near their children? Look at how politely he stumbles over to random strangers in a Taco Bell drive thru and starts showing them his tattoos. You can’t just teach something like that out of a book. Kids need a father. An example. (Via)

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So Casey Kasem Hasn’t Been Buried Yet

July 16th, 2014 // 10 Comments
Casey Kasem
R.I.P. Casey Kasem
Casey Kasem
The Nightmare's Finally Over. But Not Really. Read More »

When Casey Kasem died exactly a month ago, most people – including myself – assumed that was finally the end of this long, drawn-out debacle. Except most people – including myself – are fucking idiots who entirely underestimated Jean Kasem‘s awfulness because his body is still sitting in a Tacoma, Washington funeral home. HuffPost reports:

Danny Deraney, publicist for Kerri Kasem, says Kasem’s children from his first marriage hope he will be buried at Forest Lawn cemetery in Glendale, California, as he wished.
Kasem died June 15 at a hospital in Washington state. Deraney says the celebrity’s second wife, Jean Kasem, has the rights to his body but has not yet arranged for him to be buried.

In Jean Kasem’s defense, leaving Casey unattended in shitty conditions was kind of their thing, so who’s to say how long a wife should grieve her husband? — Until his limbs start falling off? Wow, that’s awfully specific. Who died and made you corpse police? Oh, right.

Photo: Getty