So remember Lady Gaga? Weird nose, kind of a Madonna thing going on? It’s not important. Anyway, here she is in Athens yesterday where she did a bunch of stuff with her tits and ass which I’m now posting on the Internet for people to get boners from because journalism isn’t always NFL players beating women and children with abandon. It’s sometimes butts.
Photos: INFphoto, Splash News
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger already shat in our ears musically, so what other purpose could their marriage possibly serve after that? It did what Satan intended it to do, and now it’s time for her to fuck some other shitty band from my freshman year of college. Us Weekly reports:
“It’s over,” a source tells Us. “He has been going around L.A. telling people that they are divorcing.”
Check it out, I’ve got the dude from Papa Roach on the line. You should definitely talk to him and not click on the link I used for his name. That’s just some stupid website shit. No reason to look at it.
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If Breaking Bad taught me any lessons in life, it’s that a man shouldn’t have to ask for some goddamn pancakes, and that Mexico will cut your head off and stick it onto an exploding turtle. Which is why I couldn’t be more excited to tell you that it hates Miley Cyrus now. TMZ reports:
Miley was performing Tuesday night — on Mexican Independence Day, mind you — in Monterrey, Mexico when one of her dancers slapped her prosthetic butt with a Mexican flag.
Apparently Mexican officials are super sensitive about disrespecting national symbols so the congress of the state of Nuevo Leon wants her prosecuted. The crime of desecration carries a $1,200 fine and a 36 hour jail sentence.
If any of mi hermanos are reading this south of the border, you should probably know that Vagina Wedgero often disguises herself as a woman named “Justin Bieber” before violating an innocent, young Latina girl. Your vengeance must be strong!
Miley Cyrus Ass Spanked With The Mexican Flag After The Jump
Because Jenny McCarthy is like super hilariously dumb, you guys – haha, *snort* – she already totally lost her wedding ring, and she hasn’t even been married a whole month! *farrrt* But definitely listen to her for medical advice though. Us Weekly reports, and brace yourself to not reads the words, “I thought it was candy!” I’m as shocked as you are:
“I’ve already lost the ring,” McCarthy, 41, said on the local Fox program. “We were staying in a hotel and you can’t have a wedding ring on… it’s a little hard to get romantic with diamonds on your hand. I removed it and put it on the room service table and they came and turned down the room and the ring was gone… But you know what though? If you’re gonna lose your wedding ring, you should lose it that way.”
Asked for how he felt about his wife losing a ring that probably cost him tens of thousands of dollars, Donnie Wahlberg responded, “I had sex with a pair of giant tits. It served its purpose.”
Photo: AKM-GSI, INFphoto, Splash News
The NFL had just finished sweeping Adrian Peterson under the rug yesterday when barely a few hours later Jonathan Dwyer was arrested for allegedly assaulting his wife (twice) and 18-month-old son because it was only a matter of time before Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson formed their own fucked-up Voltron. TMZ Sports reports:
According to police, the 25-year-old allegedly roughed up his wife at their home in Phoenix on July 21st and again on July 22nd.
Shortly after the incidents, cops say, Dwyer’s wife left the state with their child.
Cops list 2 victims — a 27-year-old female (his wife) and their 18-month-old child.
Amazingly, the Cardinals immediately suspended him instead of waiting for pressure from corporate sponsors who have to be going, “Goddammit, AGAIN?!” by now. That said, let’s make sure we still have a rational dialog about this because football is serious business. Okay, so we all agree beating his wife is wrong (provided there’s video), but was the one-year-old perhaps in need of a whooping? Because we should probably take that into consideration before condemning a grown 25-year-old professional athlete for physically assaulting an infant. Hitting an adult is one thing which is why we have crimes against it, but don’t nobody tell no one how to raise their kids. All clear? Good. Now let’s move on to Stat Man which is what I’m calling this special brand of commenter that popped in our threads under the name “teddy r” while someone by the name of “GMAN” made essentially the same bullshit argument on TMZ’s Dwyer story: More »
- George Clooney only has nine days left to say “Psyche!” [Lainey Gossip]
- Beyonce will Photoshop the lip syncing in later. [Dlisted]
- It’s Yoga Pants Season [theCHIVE]
- Alanis Morisette is blonde now. [Fishwrapper]
- Having trouble going into labor? Batman a purse snatcher. [The Frisky]
- CBS pulled “Run This Town” because they never had the rights to it in the first place. [WWTDD]
- What’s up, Samantha Basalari? [Popoholic]
- Kim Zolciak wants you to see her new plastic surgery. [tooFab]
- Kanye has his wife doing PR for him now. [IDLYITW]
- Goddamn, Alyssa Barbara. [Hollywood Tuna]
- Kerry Washington looks thrilled to stop domestic violence. [Celebslam]
- Sara Malakul still has awesome big breasts. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]
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Have we mentioned this week’s theme is creepy? Because this week’s theme is creepy.
Welcome to Wednesday’s The Crap We Missed, starting with old Bitchface McGee, the first ingredient in this rich stew of butts, twenty-year-aged Coco (Hint: It’s gone bad), and multi-generational Trump asshatness that will have you wondering what type of Faustian deal you’d be willing to accept for fabulous wealth.
Seriously, name it, Satan’s earthly emissary only needs one more soul before emerging from this cocoon and commencing his thousand year reign of terror,
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Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, Pacific Coast News, Splash News
Of all the people who stuck their penis into Kim Kardashian and survived, Reggie Bush managed to walk away relatively unscathed if not justifiably credited for having as much sex with Kim as he could while appearing on her show as little as possible. The man set goals, and he accomplished him. But that was before I heard him defend Adrian Peterson yesterday and boast about disciplining a one-year-old little girl which is all exactly as bad as it sounds. CBS New York reports:
The Detroit Lions running back, appearing Tuesday on WFAN’s “Boomer & Carton” show, said Peterson should be allowed to play football despite being indicted on charges of child abuse for hitting his 4-year-old son with a tree branch, causing cuts to the child’s legs.
“I was punished the same way,” Bush said. “And I know a lot of my friends and a lot of the guys I played with, they were punished the same way, too.”
The 29-year-old said he’d use his “best judgment” when it comes to punishing his daughter, Briseis. But he opened himself up for criticism by admitting he will come down hard on the toddler.
“I have a 1-year-old daughter, and I discipline her,” he said. “I definitely will try to — will obviously not leave bruises or anything like that on her. But I definitely will discipline her harshly depending on what the situation is.”
Oh, wow, goddammit. That was a grown man bragging about whooping an infant. At least he didn’t say he’d use a switch except you know what’s about to happen, don’t you? More »