Welcome to Thursday’s The Crap We Missed, coming at you slightly early so Fish and I can duck out to see Star Trek Into Darkness, which may or may not result in a review depending on how severely we slapfight over manly stuff like editing and dialogue. But that doesn’t mean I slacked on your TCWM. There’s Jason Collins‘ twin brother, who’s apparently had to beat off gay dudes left and right, wait, Jonah Hill spotting a produce truck, The Pope fondling a bird, and Sacha Baron Cohen finally inspired for his newest character, Juan Carlos, a narcoleptic Mexican gardener, who through various cross-cultural mishaps will be unable to keep his penis from constantly flopping out of his shorts. It’s going to be hilarious, bro!
See? I took care of you guys, *glues Spock ears to crotch, Vulcan salutes mirror*,
- Photo Boy
Click Here To Start The Gallery
Photo: Bauer-Griffin, Fame/Flynet, Getty, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN
For someone who decided/got tricked into/had his sperm robbed in his sleep which resulted in having a baby with Kim Kardashian of all people, you’d just assume Kanye West would’ve made peace by now with the fact that the paparazzi are going to be called every time he takes a shit. Instead he bitched all night during his Secret Show performance about how they’re meany-heads who made him get a boo-boo. Via Huffington Post:
“Someone asked me, ‘When you do ‘SNL,’ are you going to do a skit about the paparazzi and humanize yourself?’” West said on Wednesday. “What the f–k do I have to apologize for? When did I become inhuman? Or was it them demonizing me and harassing me that made me less than human?
“Motherf–kers chasing people down and making you run into sh-t, and all they want you to do is laugh and sh-t,” West said before yelling, “Hell no I ain’t doing no ‘SNL’ skits, this is my goddamn life, and it’s not a f–king joke.”
And to prove how human and non-demonic Kanye is, he’ll drop your baby if you make him kiss it. Wait, what?
He also informed the crowd the he isn’t into kissing babies. “I drop your baby and then you sue me,” he forecasted of future baby handoffs.
Let me make sure I have this straight: Kanye knocked up Kim Kardashian then fled the country, looked like he wanted someone, anyone to walk up and shoot him once she made him come back and be seen with her in public, only let her contact him through e-mail, is probably cheating on her with a man and now says if you hand him a baby, he’ll fucking drop it. Jesus. At this point, shoving her down the stairs would’ve been more subtle. Graceful even.
Posted by Photo Boy
Originally, these Heidi Klum shots were going to be just one pic in today’s The Crap We Missed until I showed them to Fish. After he finished smacking my head with a rolled up newspaper and screaming, “Place multiple angles upon the Internet and either reference Adult Swim or call Kim Kardashian a whore,” I decided to write this post. So, here’s Heidi at some event that Kim Kardashian’s probably not allowed to attend because of how much penis she loves or how she just “doesn’t get” Space Ghost.
[Ed. Note - Wow, we actually have a tag for 'Nipples.' I'm suddenly glad all my grandparents are dead.]
Photo: Getty, Splash News
Probably my favorite part about this whole Amy’s Baking Company fiasco is that not even 10 days after the Internet saw Farrah Abraham get her butthole blown out by James Deen in a graphic, made-entirely-for-publicity porno, all it took were two idiots running a bakery into the ground in Arizona for people to move onto the next shiny object. I’m literally sitting here kissing my fingers going, “Mwah!” it’s so delicious. Anyway, Samy Mafiadonquaccio and his trophy wife Chef Identity Theftardee naturally made it onto the local news last night where she promptly told them to get the fuck out of her restaurant only to have her husband shove her out of the way and say they couldn’t talk because of their Kitchen Nightmares contract and then proceed to do nothing but talk. So that video’s under the cut as well as the press release for their grand re-opening where, if I’m reading it right, they’ll punch everyone in the face that doesn’t think the cannoli they bought from Wegman’s is the best in Scottsdale.
Amy’s Baking Company Local News Interview and Press Release After The Jump
Back in 2009, I posted about a male model named Premo Stallone who claimed he was the real father of Kourtney Kardashian‘s baby because she hooked up with him 10 months before Mason was born when she was on a break from Scott Disick. The whole story went away pretty quickly and nobody thought anything else of it. Except, surprise, Premo (Real name: Michael Girgenti) is suing Kourtney for a paternity test and if she refuses to take one, he could be awarded custody of Mason. Via Hollywood Life:
A California lawyer tells HollywoodLife.com EXCLUSIVELY that if Kourtney refuses the test, the judge can technically give Michael custody of Mason:
“It is theoretically possible that if she declines the judge could rule against her and grant Michael paternity and the rights that go along with that. Shockingly, California Law permits anyone that alleges that they are the father of a child to sue for paternity. The court is required to order the genetic testing and if a party refuses to submit to the test, the court may automatically grant the other party paternity. That means that if Kourtney refuses to submit to genetic testing, the court could find Michael is the father and would award him visitation rights and he would have to option to sue for custody.”
Of course, a simpler solution is to let Khloe sniff Mason and then whoever she tracks down first is the father. It’s practically foolproof unless Kris Jenner forgets to take the Snausages out of her purse. In which case, those will be the father.
Photo: Fame/Flynet, Splash News
Here’s Miley Cyrus at The Maxim HOT 100 Party where she was the guest of honor despite at least three other women looking as hot if not hotter than her because they didn’t wear a pantsuit. They also had much larger breasts which out of respect for Angelina Jolie I will neither confirm nor deny were a factor. In fact, if you ignore every single word written on this site every single day, I barely even notice women have them.
Photo: Getty, Splash News, WENN