John Grisham: Lay Off Old Drunks Who Accidentally Download Child Porn

October 16th, 2014 // 60 Comments
John Grisham
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Stephen Collins
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UPDATE: John Grisham’s sorry.

America has a vastly overpopulated prison system stemming from a host of socioeconomic reasons including poverty, racism, and capitalistic greed. Except if you ask John Grisham, the biggest problem is locking up affluent white men in their 60s who have a few too many drinks and “accidentally” download child porn. They’re the real victims here. Via Gawker:

“A friend of mine, ten years ago, was drinking. His drinking was out of control. And he went to a website—it was labeled, 16-year-old wannabe hookers, or something, some stupid website. And it said, 16-year-old girls. So he went there. Downloaded some stuff. It was 16-year-old girls who looked 30. You know, they were all dressed up and whatever. He shouldn’t have done it, it was stupid. But it wasn’t 10-year-old boys and he didn’t touch anything. And golly, a week later there was a knock on the door. FBI. And it was a sting set up by the Royal Canadian Mounted Police to catch people—sex offenders. And he went to prison for three years.

Is it legal to assume John Grisham made air quotes while saying “a friend of mine?” Because I’m gonna. Anyway, back to America’s prison problem. We’re turning good, elderly men into animals and for what? Looking at some tartlet online in a purely heterosexual manner after a few too many sips of brandy? One of them came home and threw pudding at his wife. By golly, they’re WHITE. More »

Abigail Ratchford In A Bikini And Other News

October 16th, 2014 // 15 Comments

- Ezra Miller is your movie Flash because apparently TV Flash wasn’t enough. [Lainey Gossip]

- Evan Rachel Wood has a new girlfriend. [Dlisted]

- Thursday. Redheads. Victory. [theCHIVE]

- Ready your Cumberboner, Sherlock will talk about experimenting with boys now. [Fishwrapper]

- Just a reminder: Kanye spent 90% of Kim Kardashian‘s pregnancy in another country. [The Frisky]

- Joanna Krupa‘s modeling bikinis now. [WWTDD]

- Fuck my Tumblr. Go to this one. You want to look at this one. [Girls In Cute Underwear]

- An entire frat pulled a CeeLo on Johnny Knoxville. [Death and Taxes]

- What’s up, Nicole Scherzinger? [Popoholic]

- OMG! Big just called Carrie a whore! [tooFab]

- Shoot the little bastard. Nobody’s gonna riot. [IDLYITW]

- Goddamn, Shelby Chesnes. [Hollywood Tuna]

- You too, Jeisa Chiminazzo. [Celebslam]

- Hipsters in lingerie eating pizza? Sure, why not? [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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The Crap We Missed – Wednesday 10.15.14

October 15th, 2014 // 320 Comments

Welcome to Wednesday’s The Crap We Missed where I used a four day old pic for today’s lead because I somehow missed Jessica Simpson grabbing her sister’s ass like it was a platter of chili cheese fries. *kneels, readies knife for disembowelment, remembers the childlike inbred smile of Prince Charles, decides to go on living* Please redeem my honor by commenting the fuck out of the the Picket Fences dude who’s apparently homeless now, and Russell Brand who’s clearly trying to crush this lady’s spine in order to confine her to a wheelchair so that she’ll make the only type of porno his leathered genitals will respond to.

Man loves jerkin’ it to people in wheelchairs. This is a fact,

- Photo Boy

Click Here To Start The Gallery

Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Kiss The Hand of LaBeouf, You Child-Stealing Bitch! KISS IT!

October 15th, 2014 // 6 Comments
Brad Pitt Shia LaBeouf Kiss

And in that moment we all became Jon Bernthal. As did Jon Bernthal become all of us.

Amen.

Brad Pitt Kissing Shia LaBeouf’s Hand In The World’s Shittiest GIF After The Jump

And Now Back To BEWBS (Specifically Courtney Stodden And Mozart Ones)

October 15th, 2014 // 22 Comments

For the sake of this post, let’s pretend I have two types of readers because broad generalizations are fun and easy. There are the thinkers and the boob lookers, and like any good parent, I love both of you equally. (To your face. Privately? I’ve plotted one of your deaths. Again, like a good parent.) So to keep things fair after the Michelle Obama post, here are Courtney Stodden‘s breasts at some thing somewhere, and below is Sara X performing Mozart’s “Eine kleine Nachtmusik” with hers. Which is particularly amazing because I dated a music major in college and not once did she whip this trick out. Maybe I would’ve gone to more recitals. Love is about meeting each other halfway. Or entirely catering to only one person’s kinks. Pot-ay-to, pot-ah-to.

Sara X Does ‘Eine kleine Nachtmusik’ After The Jump

Why.. Why Is The First Lady Dancing With A Turnip? Were We Attacked?

October 15th, 2014 // 59 Comments
Michelle Obama Turnip
Dodged That Bullet
Sarah Palin
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As a filthy libtard, I don’t consider the First Lady of the United States encouraging kids to eat their vegetables a vast government overreach that needs to be fought back with diabetic child patriots stuffed to the gills with cookies and sugar water. Jesus Christ, George Bush let Arnold Schwarzenegger force us all to do chin-ups in the 90s – *twitches* Why can the girls do more than me?! *twitches again* – and yet, “Hey, maybe eat some greens,” is apparently how Hitler got started. That said, I don’t who the fuck told Michelle Obama to get on Vine and do a turnip rap, but that person needs to be fired. Yes, everybody is talking about it, but not in the context of, “You know what? I should eat more vegetables.” Although, if your child is going, “Yay, turnips!” being handicapped makes them more special. You’ve been given a gift.

Michelle Obama’s Vine Video After The Jump

BREAKING: Amber Rose Has A Butt

October 15th, 2014 // 16 Comments
Amber Rose Butt Instagram

I’ve been at this job for seven years now, so I really shouldn’t be surprised when the most ridiculous shit possible ends up turning into a huge Internet story, and yet here’s Amber Rose’s butt which apparently no one in entertainment media has seen until now. It’s not like that thing just grew overnight. It takes a four man team at least two days to pump it up. Three the weekend Jorge died. *pours out 40* Duermes con el Niño Jesús ahora, mi pequeño bombeador de culo.

Amber Rose’s Ass After The Jump

Ewan McGregor Might Be Doctor Strange

October 15th, 2014 // 13 Comments
OH, OH I KNOW THIS ONE!
Captain America Iron Man Avengers
It's Metal Man And Major USA, Right? Read More »

Posted by Photo Boy

Here are all of the things I know about Doctor Strange:

1. Jackshit.

With that in mind, Fish, being the sadistic bastard he is, assigned me this post during our morning “editorial meeting,” [Ed. Note: I already made an Eye of Agamotto penis joke. There's nothing more to say. - SW] which yes, is a Skype call where we each take turns hanging up to sprint to the bathroom after the coffee kicks in. It’s exactly like The Wall Street Journal but with more poop talk. (Suck it, Cronkite. Seriously, ask me if I give a shit if that reference made any sense.) Anyway, according to this website that I’ve never visited in my life, they’ve come across some extremely flimsy evidence that Ewan McGregor could maybe probably possibly be or not be in Marvel‘s next grab at a trillion dollars. Via Badass Digest:

Yesterday a new source contacted me and said that Ewan McGregor had been prepping for the role – doing the usual research actors do when looking at taking on an adaptation or existing character. I contacted one of my usual sources and asked if this was true, and I was told “They’re looking at him.”

HOLY FUCK! This dork’s usual source somehow managed to squeeze out the most generic, non-committal confirmation that a studio is aware of an actor and they still have an open role for a film they’re currently producing!! I know it sounds cynical and probably a bit odd for me to be slamming nerd glee so hard considering who ultimately pays my bar tabs, so I promise to get super jacked in the 30 seconds before this movie starts when Fish explains to me what the fuck it is I’m about to watch. Until then, for the love of Christ, seek out vaginas (or butts if that’s your thing, no judgements here), they really are fantastic.

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