The Crap We Missed – Wednesday 12.10.14

December 10th, 2014 // 345 Comments

Welcome to Wednesday’s The Crap We Missed, our daily repository for all the things we won’t write a whole post about like Evangeline Lilly‘s double armpit vaginas, Tim Tebow as a Jedi, and Angelina Jolie‘s true lizard form about to breach her human skin veneer, which upon review actually makes me think we need to revamp our overall strategy here.

*picks up banana, lowers voice* “Yes, I have Photo Boy on the line for Mr. Fish, please. Uh huh, I mean, I suppose he can hold, but exactly how long does a botox scrotal rejuvenation procedure take?

- Photo Boy

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Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Splash News

Everyone’s Losing Their Shit Over The New ‘Mad Max: Fury Road’ Trailer

December 10th, 2014 // 31 Comments
Mad Max Fury Road
WATCH: 'Mad Max: Fury Road' - Official Trailer

Back in July, people lost their shit over the Comic-Con trailer for Mad Max: Fury Road, and now here’s the official trailer (above) where an equal to if not greater than amount of shit is being lost even though I’m pretty sure we just had a discussion about Hollywood’s lack of creativity, and how suckers keep eating it up. Just eating it up so hard, fucking Black Panther, you guys! Then again, a sand tsunami thing does ass-rape a bunch of death-mobiles driven by fucked-up skull- people, so let’s not quibble over rebooting an almost 40-year-old movie that already had two sequels. Who are we to decide what gets made by judiciously spending our money dollars? I won’t tolerate that kind of hubris.

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It’s Robert Pattinson’s New Girlfriend In A Bikini

December 10th, 2014 // 26 Comments

Robert Pattinson‘s previous girlfriend avoided direct sunlight unless it was to get her vagina licked by another man, so it must be a nice to finally date someone he can take to the beach and who doesn’t even complain when the paparazzi take detailed photographs of her taint. And people said it was downhill for him after Twilight. Ha! RPattz only do uphill anus, son. Uphill! Sheeiit. (I have no idea what I’m saying. Just stare into the butt.)

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Photos: INFphoto

Angelina Jolie Is A ‘Minimally Talented Spoiled Brat’: The Sony Emails

December 10th, 2014 // 49 Comments

I work in the media, so it’s easy to forget that people actually live rich, full lives (Sometimes even outdoors. The actual outside!) where they don’t obsess over the tiniest minutiae like studio infighting and how badly Aaron Sorkin wants to feel Tom Cruise shove an iPhone 6 up his ass. Which brings me to the leaked Sony emails which have been a goddamn treasure trove of bickering over whether David Fincher would direct a Steve Jobs movie or Cleopatra for Angelina Jolie who’s apparently a “minimally talented spoiled brat” that will destroy the careers of anyone who makes her “disaster” movie. So here are the best links to that shit:

Leaked: The Nightmare Email Drama Behind Sony’s Steve Jobs Disaster – Defamer

New From The Leaked Sony Emails: Aaron Sorkin Wanted Tom Cruise To Play Steve Jobs – Film Drunk

Even Sony’s Own Employees Are Unhappy With the Spider-Man Franchise – Moviepilot

Also, apparently Marvel almost convinced Sony to let them use Spider-Man in Captain America: Civil War, but talks broke down when someone at Sony literally went, “Hey, what if we rebooted Spider-Man with another trilogy?” and then they all blew each other in the dicks for surely this was the greatest idea they’d ever heard in their lives. Yay, Hollywood!

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Photo: Getty, MPNC/AKM-GSI, Splash News

Toni Garrn Broke The First Rule of Leo Club: Don’t Talk About Leo Club

December 10th, 2014 // 7 Comments

Over the weekend, Leonardo DiCaprio left a club with 20 women even though he was supposedly still dating Toni Garrn, and I have no idea why I just acted like that means something. – *schedules MRI for brain tumor* – Anyway, now things are starting to add up because before his night of being Leonardo DiCaprio, she apparently gave an interview to GQ where she talked about planning their weekends and wanting kids which is right up there with turning 23 on the list of shit you never do to Leo. Just ask Bar Refaeli. Who? Exactly.

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Photo: GQ

Dan Bilzerian Arrested For Attempting To Make His Own Explosives

December 10th, 2014 // 33 Comments
Dan Bilzerian

After spending his weekend kicking women in the face, trust fund shitbag Dan Bilzerian was arrested at LAX last night on charges of attempting to make his own explosives and held without bail. In fairness, he was probably just going to use them to blow up porn stars, so it’s not like he’s one of those illiterate foreigners with their broken English who hate America. TMZ reports:

We’ve learned an arrest warrant was issued in Clark County, Nevada. Cops claim he violated a law making it a crime to possess an explosive or incendiary device with the intent to manufacture it.
The warrant was issued last month but it was confidential … under seal, presumably because cops were continuing to investigate and they didn’t want their cover blown if the warrant became public.
Bilzerian is being held without bail.

For those of you who don’t know who Dan Bilzerian is, he’s a spoiled rich brat who fills his Instagram page with photos of models/hookers, guns, and cash that he bought with his dad’s money who’s in jail for a slew of financial crimes. But because this country gets dumber by the tweet, dudes worship this guy like a god because he spends his days shooting things and throwing porn stars off of roofs then having his lawyer issue douchebag statements when they try to sue him. And, no, getting kicked out of the Navy SEALS program 15 years ago doesn’t make him a badass patriot. It makes him a goddamn moron who couldn’t be trusted to follow basic instructions. Did he stay in the military and serve his country after not getting his way? Nope, he partied through college then became a “professional poker player” who stockpiles guns and spouts libertarian horseshit because apparently the life of a millionaire trust fund beneficiary just isn’t free enough for him. Like this arrest for example. Now he has to spend a day or two dealing with that instead of taking a helicopter over the ocean and firing rounds into the sea while a hooker hangs from the propeller. I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA?!

Dan Bilzerian’s ‘Off The Felt’ Interview After The Jump

Good Morning, Jenna Chapple, And Other News

December 10th, 2014 // 17 Comments

- Kate Middleton has mastered the side-eye. [Lainey Gossip]

- Who the fuck is Azealia Banks? [Fishwrapper]

- Julia Roberts shills for Givenchy now. [Dlisted]

- Real Pornhub Comments Posted On Stock Images [theCHIVE]

- Lena Dunham‘s book got the wrong person publicly outed as her alleged rapist. [The Frisky]

- FOX News‘ response to Senate Torture Report: “AMERICA’S STILL AWESOME!” [The Daily Banter]

- More pics of Alyssa Milano‘s giant breasts at the Into The Woods premiere. [WWTDD]

- So I’ll definitely be watching South Park tonight. [Death and Taxes]

- Natasha Barnard‘s in a bikini. [Popoholic]

- Ana Braga‘s swimsuit side-boob, anyone? [Hollywood Tuna]

- Lindsey Lamson wins Miss COED December 2014. [COED]

- Good fucking God, Genevieve Morton… [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: Fame/Flynet

The Crap We Missed – Tuesday 12.9.14

December 9th, 2014 // 367 Comments

Welcome to Tuesday’s The Crap We Missed which leads with Charlotte McKinney again, this time on the set of Joe Dirt 2, which you can either take as a not-very-subtle indictment of Hollywood’s inability to produce anything original, or just boobs. We’ve also got Sam Micelli because I know most of you don’t really care what weird shit the royal family is doing today, so if this post does nothing else, it should at least remind you of your boners from the eighties. Pope Francis knows what I’m talking about.

“I no like-a her, but if you wanna talk about-a Ricky Stratton, *kisses fingers* più bella!”

- Photo Boy

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Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Splash News