Welcome to Wednesday’s The Crap We Missed which features an Arquette Family Photo, the first ever to appear in TCWM, and a perfect excuse for me to advocate my long held belief that five children is too many. As the middle child of five, who ended working a job almost entirely dependent on unintentional celebrity nudity for a living, I can tell you that there’s just no way they’re all going to end up alright. Seriously, to anyone out there contemplating a fourth or just leaving it to chance, I can tell you from experience that police, dead pets, and paying for unused community college credits are all in your very near future.
This has been a Superfical Public Service Announcement,
- Photo Boy
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Photo: Fame/Flynet, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN
Here’s Minnie Driver in a bikini because I hate you. There’s no other way to interpret this post. I pray and secretly hope for your death. There’s no denying it anymore. You’ve seen my hand.
Photos: Fame/Flynet, Pacific Coast News
Yesterday, the Internet was captivated by the raccoon-like antics of a topless Florida woman who smashed her way through a McDonald’s before stopping to guzzle soft-serve right out of the machine and calling it a night. Turns out she wasn’t high or drunk or drunk and high, but was simply angered by an employee who refused to let her blow him the parking lot. There’s a logical explanation for everything. FOX 13 reports:
PPPD identified the woman as Sandra Suarez, 41. Officers say the tirade came after a McDonald’s employee turned down Suarez’s offer of oral sex in the parking lot.
Suarez was taken to Northside Hospital as a precaution, but police said doctors determined she wasn’t under the influence of drugs or alcohol.
She was charged with criminal mischief and resisting arrest, then was released on $7,000 bond.
Reached by FOX 13′s Steve Nichols on Tuesday, the mother of two blamed the tirade on bipolar disorder and she does not remember much of it.
When asked how she even knows if she’s bipolar, the woman replied, “I made a decision to move to Florida. That pretty much cinched it.” As for the employees who uploaded the video to LiveLeak, they’ve all been fired because McDonald’s hates joy and laughter. For God’s sake, their mascot’s a pedophile clown. I’M ONTO YOU!
Uncensored Security Footage After The Jump
Here’s Julia Louis-Dreyfus posing naked with the Constitution of the United States tattooed above her butt crack for the cover of Rolling Stone where she also says that Al Gore won the 2000 election because she’s clearly trying to bang Jimmy Carter. It’s so obvious.
Photo: Rolling Stone
Here’s Melissa Joan Hart showing off her new body thanks to Nutrisystem who apparently includes a free copy of Photoshop with every prepackaged meal. Except I’m willing to look past all of that for reasons including, but not limited to, dat ass, how much Clarissa hates Ashton Kutcher and the time she posed for Maxim: More »
So yesterday, the Internet had a goddamn field day after finding out that Kate Mulgrew narrated a documentary that presupposes maybe the geocentric model wasn’t debunked? Turns out her, and basically everyone else in it, were tricked about the documentary’s content if not selectively edited into it without their knowledge. Here’s Captain Janeway’s statement on Facebook: More »
- Vanessa Hudgens is paid to go to Coachella by McDonald’s because Coachella is bullshit. [Lainey Gossip]
- Speaking of McDonald’s, here’s a topless woman destroying one looking for ice cream. [Dlisted]
- If You Like Tattoos Get In Here [theCHIVE]
- Simon Cowell feels bad about banging his best friend’s wife now. [Fishwrapper]
- Would You Have Sex With Paul Rudd? [The Frisky]
- Good God, Arianny Celeste… [Popoholic]
- Gwyneth Paltrow‘s still wearing her wedding ring. [Starpulse]
- Tim Burton‘s going to murder Jimmy Kimmel. [tooFab]
- Whoever the hell’s dressing Kate Upton needs to stop. [IDLYITW]
- What’s up, Rachel Barnes swimsuit photos? [Hollywood Tuna]
- Rob Lowe hates being so damn handsome. [Celebslam]
- Universal Studios is making a Fast & Furious ride. Of course. [FilmDrunk]
- Kim Kardashian‘s ass has to affect the tide, has to. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]
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