Willow & Jaden Smith Sniffed All The Farts, The Farts Are Gone

November 18th, 2014 // 98 Comments
Willow Jaden Smith
Previously In Entitlement
Gwyneth Paltrow
The 2014 GOOP Gift Guide Read More »

While I was buried deep inside Gwyneth Paltrow yesterday – *rereads* Yup, that came out right. – apparently two other pretentious twatwaffles were busy fumigating the New York Times with their metaphysical butt fumes which they openly huffed while pontificating on reality, the human mind, and babies breathing energy while they’re building their bones in the womb only to be shoved into a world that crushes them into boring morons who make shitty music. Or something. I honestly understood about half of this, and the other half I chalked up to Willow and Jaden Smith reading a Scientology pamphlet once and making a conscious decision to repeat words from it even if they didn’t know what a single one of them meant. Unfortunately, none of those words were, “Tom Cruise derives his flight powers from the butt,” but that’s what you get from a reality that’s nothing but a holographic image made by a highly-evolved space consciousness, amirite? You ever see one of those try and change a tire? Fucking disaster. Anyway, here’s the stupid:

Excerpts From Willow & Jaden Smith’s New York Times Interview After The Jump

Good Morning, Alexandra Eriksson, And Other News

November 18th, 2014 // 6 Comments

- There are Benedict Cumberbatch engagement truthers now? Goddammit, Internet… [Lainey Gossip]

- June Shannon is in Dumb and Dumber To. Yup. [Fishwrapper]

- There’s a Christian version of Fifty Shades of Grey. Of course. [Dlisted]

- Girls With Future Lower Back Problems [theCHIVE]

- Victoria’s Silvstedt‘s in a bikini. [WWTDD]

- Charles Manson is getting married. The Charles Manson. [Death and Taxes]

- Where did Megan Fox‘s ass go?! [Popoholic]

- What’s up, Malin Akerman‘s hot sister? [Hollywood Tuna]

- Amber Heard does GQ Russia. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: Fame/Flynet

The Crap We Missed – Monday 11.17.14

November 17th, 2014 // 447 Comments

Welcome to Monday’s The Crap We Missed featuring the return of Katy Perry‘s breasts, except she put them on Twitter. This is how out of touch with where the kids are posting themselves half-naked these days she is and wow, that got creepy real fast. Uh…uh…look, Alexander Skarsgard‘s holding this gas pump like it’s his dick! And what the hell is Russell Brand staring at in the sky? I bet it’s not pseudo child porn…

And fuck that was probably the worst person to try to legitimize this post with *pulls rip cord,*

- Photo Boy

Click Here To Start The Gallery

Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Splash News

The 2014 GOOP Gift Guide Is Quintessential GOOP

November 17th, 2014 // 35 Comments

We’re beginning our initial descent into the maw of the holiday beast where we’ll be slowly digested over the course of the next six weeks. So to speed up that process, here’s the 2014 GOOP Gift Guide which promises to try and stay under $100, yet immediately starts with a $285 zipper wallet that some asshole’s trying to call a “currency case.” For that kind of money, it should have a tiny panda inside that blows you, and before you say that’s ridiculous, I just told you a zipper wallet costs $285 because some jerk changed the name to “currency case.” You’re missing the trees for the Blowjay Panda.

The 2014 Gift Guide After The Jump

ANGELINA JOLIE’S BEWBS!!!!!!!!!!!!

November 17th, 2014 // 32 Comments

As advertised in the classiest headline of your life, here are Angelina Jolie’s breasts at the Hollywood Film Awards where, granted, they’re not a naked, Photoshopped FUPA – I’m sorry, squelchy pudendum. – I know for a fact they still have enough Internet juice in them to break something. Perhaps a small Croatian cat blog. Or maybe even AOL. Remember AOL? (Still in business? Get the fuck out. How?)

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Photos: Getty, MPNC/AKM-GSI, Splash News

Jose Canseco’s Finger Fell Off At A Poker Game

November 17th, 2014 // 32 Comments
Jose Canseco

A few weeks back, Jose Canseco managed to do the impossible by shooting his finger off and bringing together both sides of the gun control argument to laugh at his stupidity. Even more amazingly, I learned from gun nuts that, “It went off while I was cleaning it!” almost always means “I was playing with it like an idiot.” For that brief second, we actually stopped being partisan adversaries and were just normal assholes laughing at a moron’s misfortune on the Internet. It was the single most beautiful moment in my life. Anyway, since then, Jose had the finger reattached, but in the shittiest way possible because it smelled like death-ass and fell off in the middle of a poker tournament which he live-tweeted because why not?

Jose Canseco Tweets About His Finger Falling Off After The Jump

Emily Ratajkowski’s Breasts Deserve A Post

November 17th, 2014 // 21 Comments

I almost just tossed these pics of Emily Ratajkowski’s breasts at the Hollywood Film Awards into the drunk Johnny Depp post and said something like, “Haha, wouldn’t it have been better posted if I talked about these, you guys?” But then I realized her breasts are people, too, and deserve their own post. So as punishment for my crime, I’ve already taken the time to dress myself and changed out of pajama pants before 5 PM – *watches Photo Boy faint* – because what I did was wrong and I’m man enough to admit it. On that note, I’ll now accept arguments on why I should also chop off a hand. Let’s open the floor.

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Photos: Carlos Piaggio / MPNC/AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, Splash News

Johnny Depp’s Drunk Or Something

November 17th, 2014 // 23 Comments
Johnny Depp
WATCH: Johnny Depp Seems A Bit Out of It

Now that one of your most prominent childhood memories has been accused of anal rape for the 14th (15th?) time, let’s get back to celebrities embarrassing themselves in public. Here’s Johnny Depp presenting at the Hollywood Film Awards where he was either drunk or pretending to be drunk because he has a hot, young fiance to impress. “Babe, watch me pretend to be get wasted in front of old stuffed shirts,” he probably tried to text her before realizing he was typing into one of the 10 bolo ties he chose to wear that night. It’s turquoise light beautifully complimenting his 27 ring scarves, blonde highlights, and exactly two and a half pea coats.

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