While accepting the Milestone Award at last night’s Billboard Music Awards, Justin Bieber was loudly booed by the audience, so just assume he put a rape-baby in all of them and paid the press to make it look their ex-boyfriends are the fathers. Or at least that’s what I’m going with because I’m a scientist who only works with facts and empirical evidence. People reports:
“I’m 19 years old,” he told the crowd in accepting the final award of the night. “I think I’m doing a pretty good job.”
Those in the crowd said the negative response to Bieber was even louder in the arena than it sounded on television.
“This is not a gimmick,” he went on to say, in what sounded like an agitated tone. “I’m an artist, and I should be taken seriously. This other bull should not be spoken of.“
Lainey Gossip has done some great work spelling out what a crazy, over-entitled bubble this kid is kept in, so I’m not at all surprised he walked onto an awards show stage and demanded people only talk about how serious and awesome his “art” is and not that’s he an increasingly arrogant shithead who thinks he’s a hardass until he gets put back in his booster seat. His mom says none of that stuff matters anyway, so clearly the rest of the world should reinforce that message unless they want to be “dicks looking to get their ass beat.” *crushes Juicy Juice box on forehead* “Welcome to the Maple show, bitch. Hope you brought pancakes.”
- Beyonce is definitely pregnant again. [Lainey Gossip]
- Kanye named his next album “Yeezus.” Yeezus. [Dlisted]
- Mirrors Are Like Magnets To Girls [theCHIVE]
- Vin Diesel has body issues because it’s just really, really hard in Hollywood, you guys. Okay? *wipes eyes with tissue* [tooFab]
- 9 Lindsay Lohan GIFs That Will Haunt Your Dreams [BuzzFeed]
- Jessica Biel still has a ridiculous body. [Popoholic]
- Elsa Pataky in a bikini, anyone? [Hollywood Tuna]
- Crystal Harris already got a $5 million mansion for changing Hugh’s diapers. [Celebslam]
- How the hell is Doutzen Kroes getting hotter as she ages? I bet it’s devil magic. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]
- Russell Simmons won’t be at the Carter Family Christmas Party this year. [Amy Grindhouse]
- Fart on your girlfriend’s head and she gets to stab you with a knife. That’s fair. [FilmDrunk]
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Above is an animated version of Patton Oswalt‘s epic seven minute-long Star Wars filibuster from Parks and Recreation where he pitches his version of Episode VII that combines Star Wars and The Avengers along with X-Men, Spider-Man and all of Greek mythology because at this point, why limit yourself? Anyway, you may have read that this was the work of Isaac Moores, but that would be wrong because clearly it was Jesus. Jesus animated this. In fact, He loves mashups so much He tried to make David join Alpha Flight before fighting Goliath, but His dad was all like, “Canadians?! I’m nailing you to a cross.” True story.
Video: Isaac Moores
Welcome to this week’s installment of The Most Important People on The Internet our Saturday wrap-up of all the horrible shit you crazy kids say in the comments. Granted nothing can and probably never will compare to last week’s epic review of Farrah Abraham‘s porno by McFeely Smackup, we’ve actually got one of the best collections we’ve had in a while. Then again, that could just be my natural bias to anything involving Christopher Lambert who has no rival. No man can be his equal.
Take me to the future of your dick jooooooookes!
- The Superficial
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Welcome to Friday’s The Crap We Missed where we take a ton of paparazzi celebrity coverage and water it all down to the douchiest of canoes for you to point and laugh at. So today’s ego boosters include John Goodman cropdusting the loading zone at LAX, Justin Bieber and his boys on a Tic-Tac run like some straight up thugs, and Anthony Hopkins wearing snakeskin shoes to the American Idol finale, to which I was all like “WTF?!” until I remembered The Wolfman, so, nevermind this totally checks out.
Anyone want to tell Keith Richards that pole’s not actually Mick Jagger? Nah, forget it, he seems like he’s really enjoying himself,
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Photo: Bauer-Griffin, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INF Daily, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN
In response to reading that Farrah Abraham was pretending she got pregnant by James Deen while filming her professional pornographic movie that she tried to lie and say was a leaked sex tape, swimsuit model Chrissy Teigen tweeted this:
farrah abraham now thinks she is pregnant from her sex tape. in other news you’re a whore and everyone hates you whoops not other news sorry
Surprisingly considering the subject matter that they themselves make fun of, this set off the Slut-Shaming Alarm over at Jezebel where Tracie Egan Morrissey proceeded to ironically call Chrissy Teigen a slut herself and a stupid swimsuit model for having the audacity to shame a woman’s sexual expression that any sane person would recognize had the right to be shamed to Holy Fucktown and back. In fact, after Jezebel’s slam-piece, Chrissy went on to write a well-written post on her blog attacking the double standards of the terms “man-whore” and “slut” while also pointing out that Farrah is still a giant lying whore. Sometimes a spade is just a spade that tries to squirt its way back on to reality television. Which hasn’t deterred Jezebel because as of this morning, humor police officer Lindy West called Chrissy a “slut-shamey prude monster.” Haha! Modern feminism, you so cray. Anyway, while I wrote about bakeries run by crazy people and Star Trek, my good friend Todd over at IDLYITW wrote exactly everything I was going to write about this subject, so definitely go and check it out. In the meantime, I’ll just politely thank Jezebel for confirming the stereotypes that all women instinctively hate other women and you’ll always find something to bitch about. Susan B. Anthony salutes you.