Kim Kardashian Destroyed Mariah Carey’s Marriage

August 21st, 2014 // 25 Comments
Child Support Is Coming
Mariah Carey Breasts Lingerie Twitter
Mariah Carey's Divorcing Her Butler Read More »

Scientists have long since theorized that the gravity around Kim Kardashian‘s ass is capable of destroying matter if not converting it into dark matter which is kind of redundant. (Smartest, if not slightly racist, penis joke you’ll ever read in your life.) So what that in mind, it really shouldn’t be a surprise that marriages are being instantly vaporized in its wake with Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon‘s divorce bringing its death toll to six.* Seven if you count Gwyneth Paltrow‘s which I do because they’ve met. TMZ reports:

Our sources say … Nick’s appearance on Big Boy’s radio show in March was the beginning of the end. Nick played Big Boy’s game — name the 5 celebs you’ve slept with. Nick named 5, but our sources say the one that made Mariah insane was Kim Kardashian.
We’re told Mariah tore into Nick for weeks … feeling humiliated and the relationship never recovered.
We’re told it went from bad to worse when Nick went on Howard Stern and talked about Mariah not giving it up before they got hitched. She went nuclear.

Here’s where I’m put in a difficult position: By all logic, Kim’s marriage should be rapidly dissolving if not already over by now. However, Kanye West seems to be preventing that by staying clear the fuck away from her, so maybe he really does love her? I mean, he’s doing everything right to keep their marriage together. He’s probably even looking into moon landings. “Bitch’ll never find me up here. — God, I love her so much.” *kanyeweeps*

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Photos: Getty

(*1. Her parents. 2. Her first one that everybody forgets about. 3. That week she married Kris Humphries. 4. Her mom’s again. 5. Khloe’s. 6. Nick Cannon’s.)

Lindsay Lohan Demanded To Do The Ice Bucket Challenge In The Middle of A Club

August 21st, 2014 // 21 Comments
Still Fucking Up
Lindsay Lohan Tina Fey Instagram
And Screwing Over Tina Fey Read More »

Lindsay Lohan‘s production of Speed-the-Plow opens in a month, so naturally she’s terrorizing clubs in New York by trying to pay with a maxed out credit card and demanding to do the Ice Bucket Challenge in the middle of the floor. Page Six reports:

She appeared at Up & Down on Monday, where sources tell us she insisted on doing the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge in the middle of the venue, using two Champagne buckets.
While the former OWN star did drench herself with ice water, unfortunately nobody appears to have been focused enough to catch it on video for the ensuing social media blitz.

Of course, one might argue that Lindsay was simply rehearsing for her appearance on The Tonight Show, but the only thing Lindsay rehearses is converting international currency into American dollars in case her johns ask for change. When you realize you just gave away a blowjob for $4.12, you bone up on your exchange rates. But I don’t have to tell you people that. I’ve seen what you do at night.

Lindsay Lohan ALS Ice Bucket Challenge After The Jump

Good Goddamn Morning, Tahiti Cora & Anais Zanotti, And Other News

August 21st, 2014 // 22 Comments

- Anna Wintour did the Ice Bucket Challenge? Okay… [Lainey Gossip]

- Jesus Christ, Anna Nicole Smith‘s estate has still been gold-digging all this time? [Dlisted]

- Why Would You Ever Get Out of Bed? [theCHIVE]

- Brandi Glanville is shutting LeAnn Rimes‘ shit down. [Fishwrapper]

- Isn’t being homeless already a Hunger Games theme park? [The Frisky]

- JWoww doesn’t want to have sex anymore. That shouldn’t be a problem. [WWTDD]

- Minka Kelly is still hot. Also nipply. [Popoholic]

- Robin Williams has been cremated in case you need every goddamn detail of his death. [Starpulse]

- Jimmy Fallon trimmed Jared Leto‘s beard, but what about the top of his penis helmet? [tooFab]

- Chrissy Teigen and Rita Ora make a nice pair. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Goddamn, Lana Zakocela… [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: Pacific Coast News

A Special Thanks From The Desk of The Superficial

August 20th, 2014 // 140 Comments
My Desk

Seven years ago today, Karl Wang plucked me out of nowhere and published my first post on The Superficial which you can see here. It reads like shit, and I’ve only marginally improved as a writer, but I won’t bore you to tears with how I obtained the power of The Glow despite my pale, almost bone-white skin and earned the mantle of “Fish” only a few weeks later. That’s a tale for others to etch into a mountain, and mostly I forget a lot of it. In fact, if you put a gun to my head, I’ll swear we all experienced a collective “flash-forward,” and the year 2009 never even happened in the traditional sense of how we perceive time, but enough about my prescient insights that will guide future generations. More »

The Crap We Missed – Wednesday 8.20.14

August 20th, 2014 // Leave a Comment

Welcome to Wednesday’s The Crap We Missed where I think I may have solved this whole Jared Leto‘s penis is a Praetorian Guard thing by finding this Kelly Osbourne pic. Which isn’t to say I think she had sex with Alexis Arquette, but more of a suggestion that maybe she’s actually been a genital growth on Jordan Catalano’s sac this whole time. Think about it, it makes sense. I also discovered that no matter how shitfaced Kiefer Sutherland gets, he always finds the time to violently interact with fans, and that from now on Brian Singer shouldn’t excitedly smile because boy rape.

When you appear happy, Brian Singer, we all thinks it’s because of boy rape,

- Photo Boy

Click Here To Start The Gallery

Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Rihanna’s Touching Her Vagina Because ‘School Kills.’ Sure, Why Not?

August 20th, 2014 // 9 Comments

Whenever I stick my hands down my pants and complain about the education system, people are always like, “Sir, this is a Starbucks,” or, “I don’t know how he keeps getting out of the car, we have child locks,” but apparently when Rihanna does it, it’s sexy cool or some shit. So here she is touching her vagina along with the caption “school. kills” because, I dunno, Sandy Hook maybe? Does masturbating stop school shootings? We should probably see where she’s going with this. *grabs popcorn*

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Farrah Abraham’s ‘Research’ Magically Turned Into A $544,000 Stripping Job

August 20th, 2014 // 41 Comments
Oh, It's For Research
Farrah Abraham Tight Dress Mystery Man Craigs Restaurant
Well, That Changes Everything Read More »

Last week, we learned that Farrah Abraham took a cocktail waitress job at a strip club where she ended up stripping herself but, like, totally for research, you guys. Except apparently that research involves signing a half-a-million contract to keep stripping which I’m pretty sure is how Jennifer Aniston does it. She dips her permanently hard nipples in the ink and everything. Radar reports:

“It benefits everybody,” BeBe Montgomery, Manager of Palazio, told Radar. “It’s really fun.”
“I hired Farrah as a waitress about a month ago and then we talked about it,” Montgomery added. “She decided to switch to dancing. And then we talked again and came to an agreement for six figures. We’re really happy and excited.”

And what’s even more exciting are the prices. You can’t beat these bargains: More »

Mariah Carey & Nick Cannon’s Divorce Should Be Here Any Minute Now

August 20th, 2014 // 11 Comments
Nice Try, Mariah
Mariah Carey 1997 Oprah Photo
But We All Have The Internet Read More »

Mariah Carey used to tweet lingerie photos to make people believe Nick Cannon gets to have sex with her which he absolutely does not. But those times are over now for even the freshest rose of love eventually wilts and hires spies to make sure nobody’s fucking you. Page Six reports:

When the comic hosted pool parties in Las Vegas earlier this year, the diva dispatched a security guard to keep watch over her husband.
“The security guard wasn’t there to keep the girls away from him,” said our source. “It was to keep him away from the girls.”
Carey also didn’t want Cannon drinking while at the Vegas gigs because she felt he “gets in trouble when he drinks,” the source added.

In fact, just to be safe, Mariah Carey hire two more security guards to make sure Nick Cannon doesn’t do anything that might illicit feelings of joy, happiness, and/or brief entertainment. Although, executing his Playstation gangland-style may have been a tad overkill. These videos games today are just too much fun. They practically forced her hand.

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