“I’ll goshdarn say it again, Moose Tang Clan ain’t nothin’ to fuck with.”
In Matthew 5:5 Jesus tells us, “Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth.” Later, in that same chapter, he expands on his message in verse 39: “If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.” Which brings us to the Christ-loving Palins who love the word of Jesus so hard, especially his birthday, that they got completely fuck-hammered in their stretch Hummer before beating the shit out of an entire party because some dude dumped Willow. Or something. The important thing is that they pissed a holy piss upon the graves of their enemies before flipping everyone off in the middle of the street. Okay, maybe just that last part happened. Gawker reports via Amanda Coyne and Wonkette who actually got a confirmation from the Anchorage Police that some sort of massive brawl involving the Palins went down Saturday night: More »
“Alright, Ms. Moss, we gotcher, uh, standard paparazzi agreement here. You make with a boob grab, couple spread eagles, a nice, little seductive over the shoulder, and bada bing bada boom, we cut you a fat juicy check for your space church thingy.”
“It’s a Thetan purification center.”
“Sure it is, sweetheart. Now gimme yer John Handcock.” – My only explanation for what’s happening here
While the NFL finds itself in even more shit after a law enforcement official confirmed to the AP that execs had a copy of the Ray Rice elevator video since April, Ray Rice’s handlers are staying focused on making sure they’ve done enough spin before he inevitably plays professional football again next season if not this one. TMZ Sports reports:
Ray Rice says hard liquor was the fuel that triggered his elevator rage and he hasn’t touched the stuff in months … sources close to Rice tell TMZ Sports.
Rice told the Baltimore Ravens he and Janay Palmer had been drinking HEAVILY before the altercation. Rice is telling friends he becomes a different person when he boozes it up … so he’s changed his life.
But he hasn’t changed that much, because we’re told he still drinks wine … just not hard liquor.
Our sources say Ray and his wife have gotten deep into religion since the February incident — they were both baptized in March when they decided to become Born again Christians.
I’m not gonna lie, that is some fucking beautiful spin. First, it lays the blame completely at the feet of “hard liquor,” so if there are a few football fans who still haven’t rationalized a man knocking a woman unconscious in an elevator then dragging her limp body halfway out and leaving it between the automatic door, then POW, there’s your scapegoat. Second, who’s going to argue with a born again Christian? The man confessed his sins to an imaginary space hippie in his mind! What more do you need? Do you want him to bleed? Jesus Chri- oh, right.
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Shortly after Hilary Duff separated from Mike Comrie, the proto-Bieber turned freakishly jacked opportunist Aaron Carter professed his undying love for his long lost ex on Twitter which she’s avoided talking about until now. And, surprise, it creeps her right the fuck out. Buzzfeed reports:
And then we asked the big question: “Aaron Carter keeps declaring his love for you, how do you feel about it?”
Hilary: (laughs) I was not expecting this question. He does, I keep seeing that, that he keeps doing that. I don’t know how I feel. I mean, that was so long ago, and obviously I’m still married, and I have a baby and we kind of just…
… Don’t know each other?
Hilary: Yeah, don’t know each other… so… yeah.
So it’s just weird.
Hilary: (laughs) You said it, not me!
She then went on to say that if some sort of “handsome blogging man” removed Aaron’s head and used it for a hood ornament, she’d see to it that this hero of legend experiences all eight levels of her vaginal wetness. Which I thought was odd for Buzzfeed to publish (It’s all right there on the page, I don’t know how you guys aren’t seeing it.) because a lot of impressionable youth read their site and that shit’s pretty graphic. Being a gatekeeper’s a serious responsibility. Anyway, I’m just going to leave this here for Hilary. She should be around any minute now: More »
Just in case you think America is the only country where famous athletes can basically do whatever they want to women with little to no consequence, Oscar Pistorius was just acquitted of murder of his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp after shooting her four times through a closed bathroom door on Valentine’s Day. The LA Times reports:
The judge found that some of the witnesses were confused, some were far from the Pistorius house and others failed to distinguish what they heard from what they later picked up from the media.
“Human beings are fallible,” she said in reference to the witnesses, adding that the court would rely on technology, including phone records, to establish what happened.
Masipa said the most important evidence in the trial was the testimony of Pistorius, the only surviving eyewitness. She added that it was unclear from his testimony whether he intended to fire his weapon.
Fortunately, the judge didn’t have anything to say about Oscar Pistorius’ character as a witness except, oh wait, she did and basically called him a liar: More »
- Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin are being spotted in public. This shit’s happening. [Lainey Gossip]
- Since everyone enjoyed Jared Leto‘s dick so much, here’s Zac Efron‘s hairy nipples. [Dlisted]
- Redheads Are Masters of The Seductive Arts [theCHIVE]
- Melissa Rivers tells jokes, too. I had no idea. [Fishwrapper]
- But will Leighton Meester make butt videos? That’s the real question. [The Frisky]
- Kris Jenner is gender shaming Bruce Jenner‘s gender Jenner gender. [WWTDD]
- Anastasia Ashley does Maxim. Hell yes. [Popoholic]
- Dammit, Jaws died. The Bond villain, not the shark. [Starpulse]
- Sasquatch apparently raised Kendall and Kylie. This is all making sense. [tooFab]
- Nina Agdal in lingerie. [Hollywood Tuna]
- Rumer Willis‘ ass cheek, anyone? [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]
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A few weeks ago, we learned that Jared Leto has a giant penis with a head shaped like a Praetorian Guard thanks to Alexis Arquette‘s remarkably accurate knowledge of Roman helmets. And now here’s a GIF of Jared Leto grabbing said Roman warrior penis from a since-deleted YouTube video of a live 30 Seconds To Mars performance because the ladies, and always welcomed cock-loving gents, who somehow keep visiting the site get the shaft 99% of the time, so for once I decided to literally give them a shaft. You can see it move and everything, so it’s like we’re finally watching the ARPANET deliver all the dreams it promised except for that one where a beautiful cyber-woman cooks a delicious digital roast. You bastards lied.
Jared Leto Dick GIF After The Jump
Welcome to Wednesday’s The Crap We Missed, a surprisingly large collection thanks to Fashion Rocks. Admittedly, I don’t know what the fuck that is, but apparently is was brought to you by Butts™ and sponsored by More Butts™. That said, this gallery is almost all female with a few of our favorite dudes sprinkled in, most notably the patriarch of my dark heart himself, Prince Charles, seen here watching a black woman clean a couch. Believe me when I say that when I find stuff like this reality just barely hangs onto my grasp.
*looks at Brett Ratner pic, climbs onto roof, spreads arms* I dare you, laws of physics, SHOW YOURSELVES!!
- Photo Boy
Click Here To Start The Gallery
Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News