The Crap We Missed – Monday 7.28.14

July 28th, 2014 // 457 Comments

Welcome to Monday’s The Crap We Missed that’s got the usual butts and HOLY FUCK! faces plus all the stuff from Comic-Con that interested me which was exactly four pics; this old lady‘s cleavage, this old lady‘s cleavage, Baby Jessica, and Judah Friedlander holding his dick like a five-year-old who won’t admit he has to pee, so in case you’re wondering why Fish ever hired me, I have files. Reams and reams of files that contain lengthy online correspondence between a skinny, young journalism major and a French transexual burlesque performer I may or may not have pretended to be for years.

Je t’aime pour toujours, ma petite plaisanterie de pénis écrivain, toujours…

- Photo Boy

Click Here To Start The Gallery

Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Jenny McCarthy’s Son Calls The Cops On Her, Is My New Favorite Person

July 28th, 2014 // 35 Comments
You Want To Hear Her Talk?
Jenny McCarthy Breasts Cleavage Swimsuit
Not Look At Her Boobs? Okay... Read More »

Because her name’s Jenny McCarthy, Jenny McCarthy thought it’d be a great idea to talk about how shitty of a parent Jenny McCarthy is because – haha, you’ll never believe this – her son – hahaha – her 12-year-old son – BAHAHA – calls the cops on her all the time! AHAHAHA! For doing really stupid shit! The actual police! *wipes tear* Aw, man, that’s good stuff. ABC News reports:

“We’re driving in the car and of course I text and drive,” she said on her new Sirius radio show, “Dirty Sexy Funny.” “He called the police on me and said, ‘My mom is texting and driving right now.’ True story.”
To avoid a possible run-in with the police, McCarthy, 41, said she grabbed his phone and threw it out of the car window.

I fucking love this kid already. Please tell me there’s more: More »

Comic-Con: ‘Mad Max: Fury Road’ Trailer

July 28th, 2014 // 42 Comments
Mad Max Road Fury Comic-Con Trailer
WATCH: 'Mad Max: Fury Road' - Comic-Con Trailer

Thanks to naked butts, wonder boobs, space fists, homewrecking and the collapse of civilization as we know it, I only just now got around to watching the Mad Max: Fury Road trailer from Comic-Con that everyone’s been losing their shit over. Possibly even moreso than the Marvel and DC movies. So here’s that, and fun fact: Tom Hardy reportedly freaked the shit out of Charlize Theron between takes, and we’re talking about a woman who saw her own mother shoot and kill her abusive, alcoholic father, so I’m guessing he used the Bane voice the whole time. Had to be the Bane voice. “I am craft services reckoning…”

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Sarah Palin Launched An Online TV Network

July 28th, 2014 // 80 Comments
Sarah Palin
Hey, I Found One of Your Kids
Holly Fisher Holly Hobby Lobby
You Left It In West Virgina Read More »

“And that is a very good question, Tom. How would I make money? Well, you see, when I keyboard my online search into the Google like so many Americans online with their Internet, I can’t help but see so many young girls with their mouths open just gobbling up all the capitalism our forefathers fought so bravely for. And so I thought to myself, Sarah, you’re a gosh-darn competitor. Get in there and show that Internet you can open your mouth just as wide to cram in everything America has to offer, Tom. It might get messy, but only those business as usual politicians in Washington are afraid to get their hands dirty just tugging everything you can out of this great country. Me? I carry Wet-Naps right here next to my gun, Hobby Lobby Shoppers Card and Chick-Fil-A salad. This mommy-pouch isn’t afraid to get stuffed, Tom.”

If you thought the Comic-Con posts couldn’t have less bearing on your life, Variety reports Sarah Palin just launched her own Internet TV service called – wait for it – The Sarah Palin Channel because apparently FOX News, Breitbart and The Daily Caller aren’t crazy enough echo chambers:

The Sarah Palin Channel, which costs $9.95 per month or $99.95 for a one-year subscription, will feature her commentary on “important issues facing the nation,” as well as behind-the-scenes looks into her personal life as “mother, grandmother, wife and neighbor.” Palin serves as executive editor, overseeing all content posted to the channel.
“I want to talk directly to you on our channel, on my terms — and no need to please the powers that be,” Palin, who is also a Fox News contributor, said in a video announcing the channel. “Together, we’ll go beyond the sound bites and cut through the media’s politically correct filter.”

I already wrote 80,000 words about Sarah Palin’s War On Christmas book, so I’m going to make this brief: If people want to help Sarah reach full grifter status by paying her $100 a year to spew nonsensical word salads about how Obama should be impeached without possessing the most basic understanding of how impeachment even works, go nuts. Shit, buy subscriptions for everyone in your family! Because if there’s one thing I genuinely believe America stands for, it’s getting rich off of idiots. Plus, that’s $100 less for them to spend on guns or proper medical care. She’s doing us a favor.

‘Announcing SarahPalinChannel.com’ After The Jump

Rihanna Ruined Jay Z’s Marriage

July 28th, 2014 // 21 Comments
Thanks For Buying Tickets
Jay Z Beyonce Solange Fight MET Gala
We're Getting
A Divorce Read More »

Last week, we learned that Jay Z and Beyonce‘s marriage is pretty much over because he constantly cheats on her, and now comes even more specific information that it’s with Rihanna, so I can’t imagine where it’s all coming from. It’s not like it’s practically a first-hand account. Except, oh wait. Page Six reports:

The source says the elevator fight after the Met Ball was really over Jay’s protégé Rihanna, whom he allegedly planned to meet later that night at his 40/40 club. “Solange was like, ‘Enough is enough — you must be [screwing] Rihanna,’” says the source. “To many people who know them, they know it’s not out of the realm of possibility.”

Okay, maybe it’s not fair to point fingers at Solange when it could just as easily be Gwyneth Paltrow. Who also talks to the police a lot. Is now a good time to mention that?

Photos: INFphoto, Splash News

Adrianne Curry Is How You Cosplay, Audrina Patridge Is How You Don’t

July 28th, 2014 // 38 Comments

Being a former reality star who wears sexy costumes to Comic-Con is Adrianne Curry‘s turf, so I don’t know what the hell Audrina Patridge thought she was doing showing up as a beat-ass Mystique. And not just any Mystique, but the comic version of Mystique like Audrina Patrdige has any idea what that even is. She probably spent the whole day wondering why no one wants to pay for a picture with Smurfette. Nerds are supposed to buy anything. (Can you tell I’m angry you can’t see her wonk-boobs? I was trying to be subtle.)

Photos: AKM-GSI, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Comic-Con: ‘Avengers: Age of Ultron,’ And Oh Yeah, ‘Ant-Man,’ I Guess

July 28th, 2014 // 27 Comments
Meanwhile At DC Comics
Ben Affleck Henry Cavill Gal Gadot Comic-Con
Nobody Talk. Not Talking Is Dark. Read More »

Considering they have no less than 20 movies coming out at a time, Marvel gets the prime time-slot in Comic-Con‘s Hall H where this year they wheeled out the entire cast of The Avengers: Age of Ultron – minus pregnant ScarJo – after an awkwardly brief Ant-Man panel. And if you’re wondering how to tell the two apart in the gallery, one has people sitting there with no clue what they’re doing because the director quit and they still haven’t seen a script yet while the other has Robert Downey Jr. throwing roses and literally attempting to take flight before Josh Brolin comes out wearing the goddamn Infinity Gauntlet. It was like having a birthday party at your grandmother’s house, and then one at Chuck E. Cheese with Iron Man shooting free tokens out of his dick. Anyway, the audience got to see a sizzle real from The Avengers: Age of Ultron which by all accounts was awesome for everyone there and just words on a screen for people who had sex this weekend, so enough about that. As far as future movies, Marvel announced absolutely nothing except Guardians of The Galaxy 2 which everybody already knew was happening. They didn’t even mention Doctor Strange or make the only casting announcement that makes sense: More »

Comic-Con: ‘Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice’

July 28th, 2014 // 24 Comments

Despite a release date that’s almost two years from now, DC Comics had to have something to show at Comic-Con or Marvel would walk right over them even more than they already are, so Zack Snyder showed up on Saturday and amazingly put up a fight by dropping an official photo of Wonder Woman‘s costume along with footage of Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice. He even got Ben Affleck, Henry Cavill and Gal Gadot to walk out even though they didn’t say a single word and Batfleck and Snap Neck Superman just looked at each other like two boxers before a fight. Which almost would’ve been badass if they didn’t pose for a selfie with Chris Hardwick afterward. Chris Hardwick is ass cancer.

‘Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice’ At Comic-Con After The Jump