Welcome to this week’s installment of The Most Important People on The Internet which I’m especially proud of for not only including a Joe Don Baker reference, but also George Peppard which young people won’t get, so shove that in your sexual primes full of technological wonders. *takes sip from cup* Mmm, damn good Metamucil.
Get off my lawn,
- The Superficial
Click Here To Start The Gallery
Photos: Glen McCurtayne/Coleman-Rayner
“Aw, Superman, come back. We promise we won’t stare at your penis anymore. These aliens are really strong.”
If you’re debating whether to catch Man of Steel and are on a time-crunch, let me save you a pile of nerd words and say, yes, go see it. Because even though it’s not quite the Superman movie people have been hoping for after Superman Returns, and I’m about to nitpick the hell out of it, it does start out full of promise and potential that you almost don’t completely zone out once the whole thing becomes a CGI pinball game with characters loosely resembling the ones you saw earlier played by actors. It’s also not quite the well-crafted reboot Batman Begins was, despite huge similarities thanks to sharing the same writer and Christopher Nolan producing, but it does come close before Zach Snyder basically goes, “Eh, that’s enough story. Just throw him at shit.”
Let’s get TL;DR.
‘Man of Steel’ Review After The Jump
Before I get to my Man of Steel review, here’s an open letter Charlie Sheen sent Farrah Abraham after she decided to share text messages between the two of them to the tabloids because she has a porno that was never a sex tape to sell. Anyway, this thing is literally a testament to how skilled Charlie Sheen is at eliminating hookers not just beneath his pool but verbally as well. TMZ reports:
hey, you desperate guzzler of stagnant douche agua;
I truly do not recall giving you permission to globally reveal any communication between us. congrats on surviving your lobotomy and an even bigger congratz on the recent attempt at porn.
your daughter must be so proud.
please send my number to middle earth and if allowed, eagerly follow it into said abyss and slam the door behind you. the world will collectively sigh as the pungent memory of you vanishes into the pedestrian troposphere of lame-suck and zero-life.
oh and I’m sure they’ll wave the cover charge when they see your tranny-boobs and five o’clock shadow.
Dear Mr. Sheen,
Perhaps you missed the dragon or ring of unlimited fucking power that nearly tore our shit apart, so if you would be so kind as not to use our beloved realm as a whore cemetery, we will refrain from besieging you with singing dwarves and annoyingly homosexual hobbits. Unless, of course, your hedonism now requires such stimulation, in which case, I believe you’re familiar with a Mr. Cruise.
One does not simply make a TCLTC joke that epic,
The residents of Middle Earth
Miley Cyrus‘ parents have threatened to get a divorce before – No thanks to Hannah Montana, whoever the hell she is… – only to call the whole thing off, but this time Bret Michaels might want to delouse his finest wig and bandana because Tish Cyrus has officially filed papers. TMZ reports:
Billy Ray’s wife, Tish Cyrus, is citing “irreconcilable differences” in her filing. Her decision to pull the plug on the marriage comes 3 years after Billy Ray filed for divorce but dropped it in an attempt to work things out.
Billy Ray and Tish have been married for 19 years and have 5 children, including, of course, Miley. There’s only one minor child left, Noah Cyrus, who is 13. Tish is asking for full physical and legal custody, with visitation to Billy Ray.
In the meantime, Miley sent the following tweet to Billy Ray Cyrus after the news broke, so you can really tell they’ve strengthened their relationship and maintain open and honest lines of communication: More »
When we last left Lindsay Lohan, she was freaking out after The Betty Ford Center made her stop taking Adderall. Although, in fairness, when did rehabs start making celebrities quit the drugs they’re hopelessly addicted to? That’s bullshit. Since then, everyone’s been fed a bunch of talking points about how great she’s doing which we didn’t bother repeating because it was only a matter of time before she was released early or got transferred to a nicer rehab with those mojitos she likes. They crush the mint and coke just right. E! News reports:
“She wanted a change,” a source tells E! News of her unexpected rehab move.
The LiLo insider believes the actress’ lawyer Shawn Holley chose Cliffside and that prosecutors, as well as Judge James Dabney, signed off on the transfer.
The source adds it’s unlikely Lindsay will be able to use her ADD drug Adderall at the new treatment center. She is expected to remain at Cliffside until she completes her 90-day court-ordered stint in August.
What’s amazing is that Shawn Holley managed to get the judge to agree to a transfer, yet this is the same lawyer Lindsay fired and replaced with an idiot whose brilliant courtroom maneuvers include, “This here’s my lucky rabbit’s foot,” and “Trust me. Witness tampering’s perfectly legal.” Then again, Lindsay did see him help the Karate Kid beat that murder rap. If only he would’ve kept working with Marisa Tomei…
Here’s Robert Downey Jr. taking a break from filming The Judge in Massachusetts to meet 18-month-old Jaxson who was under the impression he was going to meet Iron Man, but instead, got this stranger and appears to have reacted exactly like I would’ve so I hope somebody changed him afterwards. On that note, apparently this was the most popular photo on the Internet yesterday even though I gave you whole galleries of Reese Witherspoon‘s butt crack and Kate Upton‘s breast in a bikini. I don’t even know what gets you off anymore, that’s how distant you are lately. Do you want me to make children cry? Will children crying make you look at me the way you used to? WHY CAN’T YOU LET ME IN?!
Photos: Facebook / Getty, Splash News