When you’re an 18-year-old boy, there’s really not a whole lot you won’t fuck. Actually that’s true for any man at any age, but it completely ruins the setup for this joke, so just assume it only pertains to 18-year-old males. I’ll be your best friend. When you’re 18, you’ll fuck anything which is all you need to know going into this story. Page Six reports:
Sources say the 27-year-old actress is cozying up to Liam Neeson’s 18-year-old son, Michael.
The two were spotted Friday partying at hot spot Finale, where spies tell us they snuck off to the women’s bathroom together at one point.
Wait, wait, wait. I may not be hip to kids today with their moving picture GIFs and Miley Cyrus vagina records, but I’m pretty sure blowing a dude for coke in a bathroom isn’t “cozying up” as much as it’s a “drug deal.” Which must be great news to Liam Neeson who has a particular.. list of people that won’t get killed by Hitler. Ha! You thought I was going to say set of skills. You should’ve seen your faces. *jabs sewing needles into your kneecaps, ziplines away with a croissant*
Photos: Getty, Splash News
One of the worst kept secrets about Batman Vs. Superman is that it would feature a cameo by Wonder Woman. A Wonder Woman who will not be played by Jaimie Alexander because apparently even her breasts are too big for whatever the hell they’re trying to do here. Variety reports:
Gal Gadot will play Wonder Woman in the untitled “Batman vs. Superman” movie.
“Wonder Woman is arguably one of the most powerful female characters of all time and a fan favorite in the DC Universe. Not only is Gal an amazing actress, but she also has that magical quality that makes her perfect for the role. We look forward to audiences discovering Gal in the first feature film incarnation of this beloved character,” Snyder said
This decision comes on the heels of Warner Bros. reportedly planning to rush out three comic book movies a year because even though Thor: The Dark World was a goddamn mess, money. The good news, though, is that Ben Affleck only agreed to play Batman because Daredevil was so fucking awful it haunts him to this day, and I’m pretty sure he could take Zack Snyder in a fight. “So, for this scene, Batman and Superman start to fight in like this huge CGI tornad- oh my God, that’s an Oscar up my ass. Ben Affleck just shoved an Oscar up my ass. Yield, I yield. He’s your director now.”
Here’s a braless Adriana Lima on a photo shoot in Mexico on Sunday while wearing a soaking wet Coca-Cola tank top. Which is interesting because didn’t Taylor Swift just sign a deal with Coke? The same Taylor Swift Victoria’s Secret fired Jessica Hart over after making all its models sing her songs? I don’t want to say this is some Illuminati shit, but the tip of my penis just turned into a pyramid with an eye in the middle. And now it’s telling me in Latin to remove all non-approved pics of Beyonce before delivering the head of every first-born to the Kimye child. Yes, my master…
Jessica Simpson, you don’t have to do this to yourself anyway. You’re a Chili’s girl trapped in a sushi and heroin chic world. Everyone knows it, and that’s okay. It’s who you are. Also what you are is crazy fucking rich. You shouldn’t have to stand on another red carpet sucking and pushing your gut in while your heart’s wondering if those ribs in your purse are still good. You’ve got kids now, and a man who loves you for your money, so he’s not going anywhere. And even if he did, so what? You’re loaded and have giant tits! The world is your oyster. Hell, I’d have sex with you for free (and a PS4), or there are always freeloading gay guys just waiting to live in rich women’s mansions. I saw it on TV. You’ll never be alone, so stop playing this bullshit game, girl, and get some Southwest Egg Rolls. You earned ‘em.
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Photos: INFphoto,Splash News
I honestly wouldn’t put it past these people to do something like this on purpose, but the only way to know for sure is to fold it into an origami duck and see if it pisses on Kendall. (Why didn’t I say Kim? Her only purpose is to be served for Christmas dinner now. Kris has foreseen it.)
Because Miley Cyrus had to make a huge deal out of them and Lady Gaga is simply the mirror with which pop culture views itself and realizes it should probably shave, here’s her hairy vagina (NSFW) posing for the cover of Candy magazine officially making this The Year of The Vulv. By spring, kids will be wearing them for backpacks, and then a year later, we’ll all be laughing into our testicle mukluks about what a crazy fad it was. “Vaginas,” we’ll say, “what was that about?”