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Breast Video After The Breast Jump
Welcome to Monday’s The Crap We Missed where I’m going to get right into it today, because holy shit is this thing full of some fuckery. We’ve got Gerard Butler and Mel Gibson having a nice chat over lunch that Fish and I are entirely convinced is just them shouting “BLOW ME!” and “PORT-A-POTTY!” back and forth until one passes out. Then there’s Chris Brown showing off doing backflips at a charity event, because those things are about trying to inflate your already monstrous ego, right? We’ve also got Queen Latifah in a swimsuit (Fellas?), Hilaria Baldwin giving a virtual tour of her birth canal, and Dennis Rodman addressing a children’s basketball program, which as far as I can tell isn’t Scared Straight, so it shouldn’t be happening.
Matter of fact, let’s just go ahead and get some of those Ebola suits for the kids and you what? Just burn the whole thing to the ground. You really can’t be too cautious here,
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Bertney Gets Back To Work
A Jump Into Reading! Story For Summer Super Kids
Bertney had an extra fun summer vacation this year. She got to visit The Cheesecake Factory, get Boto-tox, and try on fancy britches that looked purty as pie when the nerdy man made pictures in the ‘puter box.
“Hows comes y’all can’t see me no more?” Bertney asked Papa.
“Well, that’s part a bein’ sexy, Bertney Jean,” Papa said. “Like how I tell ya to stop makin’ everyone pull your finger before Mr. David comes over. Boys like it when you’re not yourself.”
Bertney didn’t understand what Papa just said, which is all the time, she’ll tell you with a giggle, but she did understand the pulling her finger part and made a special brain memory to do it as soon as Papa left. But before she could remember her thought, it turned into a beautiful butterfly. Bertney loved butterflies.
Soon, Bertney found herself on stage in Lost Vegas again. More »
There’ve been a lot of words written on the site today, too many if I’m being frank, that have nothing to do with Nina Agdal in a bikini, so honestly it’s a miracle the Earth hasn’t spun off its axis and careened into the sun yet. You’re lucky I got here just in time.
Apparently, everyone’s supposed to lose their shit over Demi Moore giving Rumer Willis a gun cake for her 26th birthday even though it’s supposedly a callback to her photo shoot with Tyler Shields. I’m a wiener-bitch liberal when it comes to guns, and even I don’t see the problem here. Not to mention, Demi’s one of those “fun moms” who gets high with her daughters, so for we all know this could be a cute little in-joke about she banged their father because he was in Die Hard. Or that time she accidentally shot their fourth sister everyone agreed not to talk about for Bogarting the Cool Whip. (R.I.P. Shillelagh.)
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The Creative Arts Emmys were yesterday and honored hard-working, dedicated individuals who diligently work behind-the-scenes to create all the shows we can’t shut up about. Except none of those people have huge, fake breasts, so here’s Jenny McCarthy. Which is a shame because she’s killed people. Kids are dead because of her, and yet her breasts are so big. I genuinely hate you for putting me in this position. Anyway, either she’s pregnant or Donnie Wahlberg is. You try telling me which. It’s almost impossible to tell, right?
Photos: Fame/Flynet, Getty, Pacific Coast News, Splash News
To celebrate the ancient day when dark forces penetrated this realm, manifesting themselves into the physical form we now know as Madonna, mortal slave to the bone hands, Justin Timberlake took to Twitter where he proclaimed the following message to all the land. Via ONTD:
A HAPPIEST of Bdays to my mother chucking ninja, @Madonna!! Hope you have a great one, M!
In Justin Timberlake’s defense, Madonna does have a history of using words she has no business using no matter how many black children she steals from African villages – I’m sorry, “adopts.” – so I can understand if he was trying to speak to her in her own language. The important thing is he deleted the tweet and hopefully stuck to just reciting passages from the Necronomicon. For example, my personal favorite:
“N’gai, n’gha’ghaa, bugg-shoggog, y’hah;
I don’t know what that means, but I just watched all time and space transform itself into a giant squid and demand human sacrifice, so there’s no way she won’t love that. It’s the simple gifts.
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You can shoot an unarmed black kid six times in this country without most people batting an eye, but you’ll be goddamned if you beat the shit out of a porn star because we need them to jerk off. So after an intensive manhunt, US Marshals have finally arrested MMA fighter War Machine who’s apparently not that hard to find. Just look for the trail of women he keeps smacking around. KTLA reports:
“And they were like banging on the door, trying to get it open, and they’re like, ‘Open the door, open the door,” Nicolle Blankenship said. “Finally when they got it open they yelled, ‘Gun,’ and then all of a sudden you see them shoot him with a Taser. And he got shot with a Taser and he went down to the floor, and then they handcuffed him.”
Once officers were inside the room, they discovered “a small quantity of cash and some pizza,” a police news release stated.
Hotel guest Mary Casamento said she called police to the hotel after seeing a “big dude” yelling at and pushing a petite woman who was trying to calm him down. He grabbed her by the hair, Casamento said.
Of course the real question on everyone’s mind is where the hell was Dog The Bounty Hunter? Would you believe WRESTLING SNAKES? More »