Welcome to Tuesday’s The Crap We Missed which for a moment, let’s pretend exists up Rihanna‘s butt, like that guy’s face up there. Hmm, what have we got in here? *clicks flashlight on* JESUS Tarantino! You scared the shit out of me. What’s that? Yeah, I passed them on my way in, but I don’t think she was wearing sho– and you dove out headfirst, great. Anyone else in here? Helloooo? Oh, what in the hell, Busey? You can’t ditch that thing in here, it’s not even dead yet!
Yep, that’s what my brain did with the information it got from these photos. Stay in school kids and just say no,
- Photo Boy
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Bertney And The Moobie Party
A Word-Hero Super Tale!
Bertney loved moobies. They were always such a fun way to past the time while at home or riding in the car. Especially with Furnch fries! Her favorites have talking animals in them, silly puppets, and sometimes her old friends from being a Mouseketeer.
“Ryan Goose’s car go vroom vroom!” Bertney can often be heard giggling while taking long trips to the grocery store.
Which is why tonight was a special night because Bertney gets to go to a moobie party with Mr. David and wear a fancy dress. Bertney loved wearing fancy dresses. It was the only time Papa didn’t make her wear a bra. Bra’s made Bertney very sad.
While the makeup people made Bertney look purty and gave her special pills so she won’t talk funny, or even much at all, Bertney thought about a different kind of moobie she saw once. She found it in Papa’s closet with his old stuff from Leezyanna. Bertney missed Leezyanna and talkin’ to the gators in the swamp, so she was hoping this would be a moobie about her old friends, Mr. ChompChomp and Toofyniggins. More »
When we last left Teresa Giudice and her half-pug-person husband Joe, they were beating the shit out of photographers while on their way to court to fight 39 counts of bank fraud and tax evasion. A fight that apparently didn’t go very well because this morning they pleaded guilty to enough charges that they’ll both be in jail for the next few years. NJ.com reports:
Both Teresa and Joe Guidice, who stood throughout the hearing, softly said, “Yes, your honor,” to U.S. District Judge Esther Salas when asked if they admitted their guilt to the charges. They both appeared composed.
The Montville couple will be sentenced at a later date.
Under their plea agreement, and per sentencing guidelines for those charges, Teresa Giudice would spend less than two years in prison, while Joe Giudice would spend a minimum of three years behind bars, The Record reported.
The Record reported last week that the couple has agreed to plead guilty to the charges under a deal that would send them both to prison.
As for who will care for their young daughters, a local pack of wolves has volunteered which everyone agreed was for the best even though one of them clearly had rabies and the other kept gnawing on a dead baby. “Pay no attention to Snackchild,” Gray Ear, the leader, said to the courtroom. “His hunger for the meat of children may be strong, perhaps even all-consuming, but underneath it beats the kind heart of a soul who will teach these girls that true happiness lies not in material wealth, but in the richness of a family. Or in our case, a pack, and not in the sense your most powerful Jew-hater would use the term. Man meat is man meat, regardless of skin color or creed, and that’s how we operate. They’ll be none of that.”
Batman: Arkham Origins was a fill-in title kicked to WB Montreal who had nothing to do with Arkham City or Arkham Asylum and it fucking showed. However, the purpose of Origins was to milk some cash out of the franchise off the heels of City‘s success while Rocksteady finished up the final installment which we now know is Batman: Arkham Knight (above). A proper return to the series with Kevin Conroy voicing Batman as he goddamn should. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to explain to my penis why I felt the need to write this post and doom it to the Negative-Laid Zone forever. Except, never mind, here comes the mirror thing already. Bye, buddy!
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Dearest Drake (ak-47-a Wheelchair Jimmy),
It has come to the attention of I, Justin Felonius B-Bare, Canada’s One and Only Darkest Son, that you have been making references to da ass of one Selena Gomez who I, not even 24 hours ago, called a most elegant princess dampenin’ dem panties beyond composition.
How you gonna do a brotha like dat? More »
For those of you wondering why the hell Esquire‘s Sexiest Woman Alive would resort to shilling sugar water for a company that operates a factory in a contested hotbed of religious infighting, it turns out Scarlett Johansson is five months pregnant, and this time isn’t the work of angles and weird shirts. Or so Romaine Lettuce would have us believe… I know who you’re working for! E! News reports:
The 29-year-old beauty is expecting her first child with fiancé Romain Dauriac, multiple sources confirm to E! News.
The pregnancy news comes just six months after it was announced that the Oscar-nominated actress is planning to tie the knot with her French journalist beau.
While this is great news for Scarlett Johansson, it’s fucking terrible news for The Avengers 2 which just started filming. Then again, it does present the opportunity for this scene: More »
- Charlize Theron and Sean Penn are doing red carpets now. [Lainey Gossip]
- Reese Witherspoon is a powerful (pregnant) wizard. [Dlisted]
- Things Are Getting Awfully Squishy Around Here [theCHIVE]
- Kristin Davis is sorry about Sex and The City. [Fishwrapper]
- Lupita Nyong’o photobombed the shit out of Jared Leto. [The Frisky]
- The Oscars screwed the hell out of Idina Menzel. [The Daily Banter]
- Apparently Jennifer Lawrence wasn’t wearing underwear at the Vanity Fair party. [tooFab]
- Hayden Panettiere‘s implants pose for Cosmo. [Popoholic]
- Somehow Courtney Stodden got invited to an Oscars party. [Hollywood Tuna]
- Aubrey O’Day‘s still taking bikini selfies. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]
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