Welcome to Wednesday’s The Crap We Missed, our daily feature where I make wildly untrue speculations like this one about how Alec Baldwin raids trash cans now (Sound familiar?) or this one about Ashton Kutcher who haha, what? No, babe, he just thought he recognized that girl from the gym or something, but no, that’s not…oh maybe she works at Starbucks, yeah he’s pretty sure he’s seen her there anyway, why would she wear jeans that tight? Like who even wants to see that?
Fellas, let me know how that conversation plays out, I’ll be over here deleting ‘WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THAT TO ME, YOU FUCK?!’ emails from my inbox,
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“Now that my lovely assistant Betsy Bovine has gathered you all here, let’s kill The Bat! Wack! WACK-WACK-WACK-WACK!”
Last week, Kim Kardashian accepted $500,000 of Richard Lugner‘s money to be his date to Vienna’s annual Opera Ball because her mother raised her to be a prostitute, and I can’t believe I had to spell that out for you. Except there’s the matter of being engaged to Kanye West who, for some odd reason is pissed that his future mother-in-law would pimp his fiance and expose her to some shithead who was paid by her john to show up in blackface. Radar reports:
“He went nuclear when Kim told him someone had used the N-word in front of her and one of the guests was dressed in blackface. It was his advice to leave right away, no questions asked.”
As we previously reported, Kardashian was paid $500,000 to be his date.
“It’s not about the money. Kanye told her no more paid appearances. It was selling her soul and not worth it. How much more money does Kim need? It cheapens Kim and her brand to be paid to go to parties,” the source added.
Of course, all this is great news if you’ve ever dreamed of seeing Kanye West get murdered by an actual pimp which is exactly how this story is going to end: More »
Parentally it’s your berfdays because y’all’s about to see my boy B-Bare whippin’ his dick out and pissin’ all over da police.. station toilet where my jigga did hard time for lightin’ da streets a Miami on fire with yo mama’s panties. Thirty Mile Zizzone:
Law enforcement sources tell us … they fully intend to release one more jailhouse video of the dainty jailbird … a video showing him peeing into the visible jail toilet. The judge previously ordered cops to blur Bieber’s junk before releasing it … we mean the video.
But there’s a problem … Our sources say they’re having trouble obfuscating Bieber’s genital area, because he moves as he pees. But they’re also having technical issues blurring the video.
We’re told the police tech team has been working on the problem non-stop since Tuesday.
Dat’s right, y’all. Ya don’t blur B-Bare’s syrup bottle. B-Bare’s syrup bottle blurs you. Just ask Chantel Jeffries, Selena Gomez, Miranda Kerr, Tati Neeves, Mariah Yeater, Anne Frank. All dem bitches screamed the B-Bare’s name, and soon, y’all get to have the dis sink pleasure of seeing his weapon of ass destruction live and in person. They say just to look upon it is enough to make a man’s mind go insane. Like the Bark of the Oven Mitt, for surely, Justin B-Bare’s dick-o-wang is a vessel itself unto the Lord. And, lo, shall your pussy spread for da receiving of righteousness, and a dark B-Bare will ride into dat ass until Indiana Jones be all like, “Bitch, cover your eyes! Buncha white shit ’bout to be flyin’ up in here!” For as it is written.
Courtney Stodden has been trying to be a lot of things she’s not lately: A brunette, a legitimate celebrity with a viable career, and someone who should sing in public. Which is why it’s nice to see her return to her original product description of a dumb blonde with huge cartoon tits. That’s all people want to see from her, and believe me, I’ve seen the numbers. So here’s Courtney doing cartwheels on the beach yesterday for no other reason than it makes her tits flop around. I guess she could be practicing to be a ninja, but I’m pretty sure her breasts squeaking together would ruin the element of stealth. Or make you think someone bought you balloons, and then POW, death in the face. So never mind, it’s definitely that.
Here’s the trailer for Lindsay Lohan‘s new docu-series which makes the trailer for Transformers 4 look like the most realistic shit you’ll see all morning. More importantly, it further proves that Lindsay will do literally anything for money including letting Oprah treat her like a dog she’s trying to house break if dogs loved coke instead of Snausages. Because for $2 million you’re damn sure Oprah got final edit, so we might finally get to see a baby get run over. Is it wrong that I’m quivering? Because I’m quivering.
Here’s the full-length trailer for Transformers: Age of Extinction which surprisingly is not about Mark Wahlberg stopping 9/11 while riding a robot dinosaur (a euphemism for the awesomeness of non-masturbatory vaginal sex if there ever was one), so whoever wrote it can fuck themselves in the face until they get throat cancer and die. That’s the politest way I can put that.
- Mila Kunis is turning into a real asshole. [Lainey Gossip]
- John Travolta beats himself now, so there goes the massage industry. [Dlisted]
- The Girl With The Feather Tush Tattoo [theCHIVE]
- Taylor Swift is probably banging Harry Styles again. [Fishwrapper]
- Adam Baldwin is still a shithead. And apparently a crazy one. [The Daily Banter]
- Russell Simmons will talk about banging Shannon Elizabeth now. [tooFab]
- Elsa Hosk swimsuit photos, anyone? [Popoholic]
- This is why Stand Your Ground is nothing but a hunting license for white people. [The Frisky]
- Good goddamn, Alice Goodwin… [IDLYITW]
- Mayra Suarez was born to wear a bikini. [Hollywood Tuna]
- Michelle Rodriguez wants to make a baby with Cara Delevingne. [Celebslam]
- Emily Ratajkowski‘s breasts are still awesome. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]
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