Yesterday, In Touch‘s latest issue hit newsstands and inside were photos of Amanda Bynes‘ apartment that, honestly, don’t look that bad and were way better than what I expected. For starters, I didn’t even see Drake‘s dead body anywhere. Amanda Bynes, on the other hand, felt they looked nothing like the posh, drug-free high fashion fuck-lair of hotness she clearly lives in and, here’s where it gets completely unprecedented, plans to sue In Touch for photoshopping her head on a fake body. Via Twitter:
That’s not my bed! Those aren’t my toes! My toes are pedicured! I just did an exclusive interview with intouch last week, now they bought fake altered photos by that ugly black man in the photo or someone who knows him! They used an old shot of me on the cover with a bad angle of my old nose before I had surgery to reshape my profile and to remove the webbing from my eyes. I have to sue because that’s not my apartment, those aren’t my clothes! They morphed photos of my face onto someone’s body to ruin my life! I have to make a big deal of this and sue because that’s not me! I care about my appearance so I have to defend myself! I look like a different person now that I had surgery! Why did they put an old shot of me on the cover? I don’t look like that anymore! I only want photos of my gorgeous new nose on the cover of tabloids and real magazines! The photos in this issue are fake and mocked up! I don’t care enough to keep talking about it. Just assume that I fucked the boyfriend of the editor of intouch because they fucking hate me!
Amanda goes on to name the “ugly faced” In Touch editor whose boyfriend obviously couldn’t resist fucking all this hotness because if you tweet something enough times, it becomes reality. Right, Jose Canseco?
Photos: In Touch / Splash News
On Tuesday’s episode of Ke$ha: My Crazy Beautiful Life, Ke$ha drank her own pee because, at heart, she’s always been a demure, proper lady of Victorian sensibilities. Unfortunately, the Parents Television Council felt differently and demanded ala carte cable subscriptions yesterday because people shouldn’t have to pay for MTV just to watch The Weather Channel. Which, jokes aside, I actually agree with, and even think we should take it a step further by drone striking the whole network because here’s what MTV’s been sharting into the world: Snooki, Deena Cortese, more Snooki, more Deena Cortese, dead people, Gary Shirley‘s butt-tail and what’s her face? Anal McSquirtMom. Yet we wonder why there’s still an Al Qaeda.
- “The motherfucking badass” mom who distracted the ax-wielding terrorists in London so police could move in and shoot them in the face. [BuzzFeed]
- Leonardo DiCaprio‘s already bailing on The Great Gatsby premieres. [Lainey Gossip]
- Demi Moore‘s new boyfriend has beads in his dick. Uh huh. [Dlisted]
- Yesterday was Hump Day. Let us reflect… [theCHIVE]
- Khloe Kardashian is enjoying not being the gigantic Kardashian for once. [tooFab]
- Miley Cyrus has more sexy photos for her new single. [Popoholic]
- Nina Agdal swimsuit photos, anyone? [Hollywood Tuna]
- Lindsay Lohan got fired by her drug dealer. It happens. [Amy Grindhouse]
- Jesus Christ, Candice Swanepoel in Vogue Australia. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]
- Helen Mirren and Ron Perlman should team-up. And rule England, too, while they’re at it. Why not? [FilmDrunk]
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Welcome to Wednesday’s The Crap We Missed, an important day for us, where we learn that Leonardo DiCaprio‘s vaginotizing abilities may be hereditary. We’ve also got a shot of Ewan McGregor on the set of Happy Ending: The True Story of How I Got John Travolta To Pay Off My Mortgage, Geena Davis and Michelle Rodriguez in the battle of derpface, and Bill Clinton reacting a staffer’s practical joke of replacing his speech notes with Kelly Clarkson song lyrics.
Almost forgot, Paz de la Huerta‘s back and so are her trademark drunk sweats,
- Photo Boy
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Photo: Bauer-Griffin, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFdaily, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN
According to a statement by the Las Vegas Police Department, Jose Canseco is being investigated for the rape of a fitness instructor who he’s apparently already named on Twitter like an idiot along with revealing her exact allegations and claiming he’ll take a polygraph test. Both of which he’s since taken down, yet still left these two gems at the top of his feed as of this post:
- Lets play truth or dare. I dare [victim's name] to tell the truth.
- Who wants to spend a day with jose. Come into my world if u can handle it.
I’ve never been accused of rape before, so for the record, I’m not speaking from experience here, but it’s probably not a good idea to start making ominous statements like, “Come into my world if u can handle it,” if you don’t want to sound like a rapist. That’s just begging for a warrant to dig under the pool, and judging by that statement again, I have a feeling Jose Canseco doesn’t want them to dig under the pool. In fact, did I say pool? Because I meant school. Let’s keep kids in school. Ahaha! (Please don’t hit me with a bat.)
Before everyone gets really confused, this is actually stripper Blac Chyna in Calabasas the other day who probably looks familiar because it’s who Amanda Bynes is literally trying to carve herself into. No, really. Via Fox News:
In a rare interview with In Touch, the actress-turned-Twitter-sensation explained that she modeled her new style after famed stripper Blac Chyna.
Like Chyna, Bynes has two shiny studded cheek piercings and sports bleach blonde hair. The 27-year-old former Nickelodeon star is also often photographed wearing heavy eye makeup, just like Chyna.
In related news, if you see a basketball pump in the background of Amanda Bynes’ 800 Twitter photos, call an ambulance, she’s trying to put it in her ass. (See, also: Car tires, Easter hams, Peter Dinklage.)