The Crap We Missed – Tuesday 4.22.14

April 22nd, 2014 // 413 Comments

Welcome to Tuesday’s The Crap We Missed, our daily feature full of random Pope Francis pedophilia joke opportunities and candid butt shots (I know, I really fucked your eyes hard on that one, but I drink your eyerape up.) that I spend almost my entire day sniffing out. Think of me as truffle hog (Fellas?), only instead of finding you a delicious culinary treat, I give you every possible shot of Prince William holding dick-like objects in front of his wife.

Call me Pooh, or Babe, or Wilbur, or Minimus, but not Porky. Never, ever call me Porky *shudders, remembers gym class showers*,

- Photo Boy

Click Here To Start The Gallery

Photo: Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN

Selena Gomez Unfriended Kendall & Kylie

April 22nd, 2014 // 25 Comments
Mom, Dad, You're Fired
Selena Gomez Parents
Selena Gomez Is A Grown Up Now Read More »

Sorry to hit you with two Kardashian-based posts in a row, but this one also involves another celebrity wanting nothing to do with them because they’re pissy shitpeople from Pissyshit Lane. According to HuffPost Celebrity, Selena Gomez has deleted all photographic evidence of being near Kendall and Kylie Jenner from her Instagram and presumably stopped following them. Which, based on my limited knowledge of teenagers, is akin to murdering their whole family the day before prom so now they don’t have a ride. (I might be underselling that.) And if none of this does anything for you, here’s an entire gallery of Selena’s side-boob and granny panties for you to look at while touching your penis. We thought of everything.

Photos: Fame/Flynet, IXOLA/AKM-GSI

Jay Z & Beyonce Won’t Attend Kim & Kanye’s Wedding Because It’s A Reality Special

April 22nd, 2014 // 18 Comments
Nick Cannon Is Black
Kim Kardashian Breasts Cleavage
Everything Checks Out Here Read More »

So remember not even an hour ago when I said the Gwyneth Paltrow post was the feel good story of the day? Ignore that. Forget I said that. This is the feel good story of the day. If not our entire lives. Via The Daily Mail:

Jay Z and Beyonce have reportedly turned down an invite to Kim Kardashian and Kanye West‘s wedding.
The 99 Problems hitmaker and the Pretty Hurts star are said to have rejected the chance to attend the nuptials, which are expected to take place in France, because they don’t want to appear on Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

*gets down on knees, bows head* Dear Heavenly Father, please forgive me, your lost and foolish servant, for all those times I doubted your existence. I was as stupid as I was blind to the wondrous workings of your ways. Surely, in this hour of my arrogance, you have shown me the light of your power and majesty, and from this day forth, I will tell others of the glory of your good news. Starting now: Hey, guys, Jesus’ dad ruined the pisscow’s wedding! We should go to church and shit!

Amen.

Photos: Splash News

GOOP Is Nothing But A Common Debtor

April 22nd, 2014 // 28 Comments
A Non-Rich Person? EWW!
Gwyneth Paltrow Bikini Spielberg
Chris Martin Banged An SNL Assistant Read More »

And now for the feel good story of the day. Gwyneth Paltrow‘s infamous lifestyle website apparently isn’t the golden organic goose that lays renewable gilded Faberge eggs into a repurposed compost chateau we were led to believe. Peasants lies, we were told. Filthy, filthy peasant lies. Served with canned cheese. Radar reports:

It’s not that GOOP wasn’t making money. In fact, in 2012, they raked in more than $1.5 million (£908,378), thanks in part to $463,486 (£276,040) in product sales, as well as an impressive (£222,243) from Groupon promotions and $373,159 (£535,002) in commissions. All told, the company made $1,893,065 (£1,127,456).
But that same year, GOOP spent $98,150 (£58,456) on Goop.com, $79,961 (£47,623) on the notorious GOOP newsletter, $189,590 (£112,918) on product costs, and a whopping $1,564,995 (£932,096) in administrative expenses,” adding up to the grand profit total of a loss of $39,823 (£23,718).

As for who was getting the biggest slice of this beggar’s pie? Madame Paltrow herself, and her naturally British CEO Sebastian Bishop: More »

Not Even Lindsay Lohan’s Friends Believe She Had A Miscarriage

April 22nd, 2014 // 37 Comments
I Don't Believe You
Lindsay Lohan
Lindsay Had A Miscarriage Read More »

After finally watching her reality show that apparently captured reality a little too well for her tastes, Lindsay Lohan came up with an excuse for the season finale to explain why she acted exactly like Lindsay Lohan: She totally had a miscarriage, you guys. And because drug addicts are credible sources, people actually believed her. Except those of us in Cunt Corner know that Lindsay Lohan would blame aliens if it got her out of taking responsibility for her actions. And so do her friends because they’re not buying any of this shit. Via Radar: More »

Good Morning, Leighton Meester, And Other News

April 22nd, 2014 // 7 Comments

- Johnny Depp and Amber Heard are coordinating outfits now. [Lainey Gossip]

- Padma Lakshmi‘s banging Richard Gere. [Dlisted]

- ScarJo‘s bouncing breasts GIFs, anyone? [theCHIVE]

- Hey Airlines, Stop Overbooking Flights On Purpose [The Frisky]

- Goddamn, Maryna Linchuk… [Popoholic]

- Dawson reexamined his life after getting an offer for Dancing With The Stars. [Starpulse]

- Dean McDermott has sex with Tori Spelling. Of course it’s not fantastic. [tooFab]

- Sofia Vergara still has awesome breasts. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Anastasia Ashley‘s ass doesn’t need Photoshopping, Carl’s Jr. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Splash News, WENN

The Crap We Missed – Monday 4.21.14

April 21st, 2014 // 384 Comments

Welcome to Monday’s The Crap We Missed where I’ll be straight with you guys, and just tell you half of this thing is more Coachella. Because if there’s one thing rich cockholes need its TWO full weekends of acting high in VIP areas and finding inventive new ways to display your ass wares to the masses. Away from fake music festivals, we’ve got Sarah Jessica Parker taking Selena Gomez under her hoof wing, and Denise Richards looking about ten pounds away from Karen Carpentering herself, which honestly would still leave her more qualified to parent than Charlie Sheen.

What? I listen to that Christmas album every year, I’m allowed to make that joke,

- Photo Boy

Click Here To Start The Gallery

Photo: Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN