So I was about to ask who the hell goes to a pool party hosted by a Teen Mom star turned professional anal squirter, but then I looked at the pics and noticed it’s nobody unless you count the additional porn stars Vivid paid to be there and Terry from True Blood playing a saxophone which I’m almost positive I hallucinated. Anyone can rent porn stars, but some dude randomly wailing sax solos? That’s something you earn.
Photos: Fame/Flynet, INFdaily, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN
Okay, this might’ve been the wrong foot.
Dear Kim Kardashian‘s daughter,
In the past 48 hours, you’ve experienced more than most will in their entire lives: Thanks to your mother’s infamous rear, doctors had to use scaffolding to deliver you. Your father vanished in a puff of smoke and is rumored to be in Belgium as of this letter. A vampire licked its lips while holding you, referring to itself as “grandma,” and a large beast ran off with your placenta in its mouth. As for the man who knicked your ear with his teeth – “Marking,” I believe the practice is called. – his name is Steve Hirsch. You two will be bonded forever.
As for why I’m writing this down for you, someone has to and 96% of the people around you are illiterate. You’ve been alive for two days and they haven’t even given you a name yet. Although, focus grouping is a lengthy process, and your mother lied about your due date so she could lose a bunch of weight before posing for People. Get used to stuff like this happening, my dear Publicita. (They’re probably not using that one.)
On that note, let me say now that as much as the world despises your mother and father, and will one day rise up and dash your grandmother’s bones upon the rocks of an ancient castle, ending her thousand year reign, there is no ill will toward you. You are but an innocent victim of circumstance. Although, don’t milk it too much. You could’ve came out of January Jones. At least someone will hold and pretend to love you as long as a camera’s running. Not to mention the lack of frostbite. Anyway, the Internet’s pretty good about not making fun of children right out of the gate. Unless you’re born with a flipper, in which case, you can appreciate the situation I’d be in, and not think less of me when I refer to you as Kim Kardashian’s Shit Dolphin, but I’m getting ahead of myself. My point is never let anyone tell you there’s a God and this was all part of “His plan.” No one’s this big of a douche. Not even your Uncle Scott.
Did I remember to say run? Run.
- The Superficial
Photos: Splash News, WENN
- Gwyneth Paltrow is above Vanity Fair now. People‘s Most Beautiful Woman in the World, but above Vanity Fair. [Lainey Gossip]
- Kate Middleton makes her last public appearance before giving birth, and unlike Kim Kardashian, she actually means it. [Dlisted]
- Lingerie Seems Fitting For Fathers Day [theCHIVE]
- Jimmy Kimmel made a “Blurred Lines” parody. [tooFab]
- Salma Hayek truly understands the evils of pregnancy. [Fishwrapper]
- Can You Get Through This Post Without Falling In Love With Henry Cavill? [BuzzFeed]
- Ali Larter is still hot as shit. [Popoholic]
- Amanda Bynes says her crazy is all an act. [IDLYITW]
- Nina Agdal poses in more than just bikinis. And by more I mean lingerie [Hollywood Tuna]
- Shakira almost got implants then realized her ass was molded into reality by Zeus. [Celebslam]
- Oh, hey, Vanessa Hudgens cutting bread in your underwear like a hot, crazy little murderer. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]
- “Let’s put Katy Perry on the cover but without the parts anyone cares about.” – Vogue [Amy Grindhouse]
- Kurt Cobain was Banksy if Bansky truly understood art. [FilmDrunk]
Follow The Superficial on Facebook || Twitter
Welcome to this week’s installment of The Most Important People on The Internet which I’m especially proud of for not only including a Joe Don Baker reference, but also George Peppard which young people won’t get, so shove that in your sexual primes full of technological wonders. *takes sip from cup* Mmm, damn good Metamucil.
Get off my lawn,
- The Superficial
Click Here To Start The Gallery
Photos: Glen McCurtayne/Coleman-Rayner
“Aw, Superman, come back. We promise we won’t stare at your penis anymore. These aliens are really strong.”
If you’re debating whether to catch Man of Steel and are on a time-crunch, let me save you a pile of nerd words and say, yes, go see it. Because even though it’s not quite the Superman movie people have been hoping for after Superman Returns, and I’m about to nitpick the hell out of it, it does start out full of promise and potential that you almost don’t completely zone out once the whole thing becomes a CGI pinball game with characters loosely resembling the ones you saw earlier played by actors. It’s also not quite the well-crafted reboot Batman Begins was, despite huge similarities thanks to sharing the same writer and Christopher Nolan producing, but it does come close before Zach Snyder basically goes, “Eh, that’s enough story. Just throw him at shit.”
Let’s get TL;DR.
‘Man of Steel’ Review After The Jump
Before I get to my Man of Steel review, here’s an open letter Charlie Sheen sent Farrah Abraham after she decided to share text messages between the two of them to the tabloids because she has a porno that was never a sex tape to sell. Anyway, this thing is literally a testament to how skilled Charlie Sheen is at eliminating hookers not just beneath his pool but verbally as well. TMZ reports:
hey, you desperate guzzler of stagnant douche agua;
I truly do not recall giving you permission to globally reveal any communication between us. congrats on surviving your lobotomy and an even bigger congratz on the recent attempt at porn.
your daughter must be so proud.
please send my number to middle earth and if allowed, eagerly follow it into said abyss and slam the door behind you. the world will collectively sigh as the pungent memory of you vanishes into the pedestrian troposphere of lame-suck and zero-life.
oh and I’m sure they’ll wave the cover charge when they see your tranny-boobs and five o’clock shadow.
Dear Mr. Sheen,
Perhaps you missed the dragon or ring of unlimited fucking power that nearly tore our shit apart, so if you would be so kind as not to use our beloved realm as a whore cemetery, we will refrain from besieging you with singing dwarves and annoyingly homosexual hobbits. Unless, of course, your hedonism now requires such stimulation, in which case, I believe you’re familiar with a Mr. Cruise.
One does not simply make a TCLTC joke that epic,
The residents of Middle Earth