With just five weeks left until the theatrical opening of The Legend Of Hercules, we can’t help but think of Gods, and far more importantly, Goddesses, of Mt. Olympus who were the true celebrities before there TVs or movies or iPods. The only music available was the lute and your natural voice, so that ruled out auto-tuned pop stars. You know all the guys in Ancient Greece got deep into lust with the immortal hotties living high up beyond the clouds. Not much has changed to this very day. We still appreciate classic beauty. But with the ancient Goddesses dispelled to the four winds, we got to thinking which celebrities of today would make the best divine Greek replacements.
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The Legend Of Hercules – Opening in Theaters January 10, 2014
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If you’re wondering to yourself, how is that Lindsay Lohan who hasn’t had a (decent) paying acting job in almost a decade can afford trips to Miami, how do I put this? Sometimes mommies don’t pay enough attention to daddies because, well, you’re here, so they’re not going anywhere without it getting really, really expensive. So daddies need to find a special friend who will pay attention to them, without talking, in exchange for less money than it would cost to live in an efficiency that smells funny but you still have to stay at every other weekend. So in the end, everyone wins because being a grown up is just tops.
Photos: FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News
Welcome to Thursday’s The Crap We Missed, a slightly larger crop than yesterday’s that I in no way artificially inflated with a Final Five of Claudia Romani‘s butt. We’ve also got Hilary Duff‘s embarrassing faux pas after a young girl offers her a ring pop, Jason Derulo performing the death-defying Travolta Tower, and Celine Dion, friend to the everyman, barely choking back vomit for this photo op.
“Zis wan smells of zee feesh steecks, plepale my chemeecal peel and aplicot sclub!”
- Photo Boy
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Photo: Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN
Bertney & The Magic Casino
A Yay! Phonics Reader
“Can I play the mersheen with the shiny coins?” Bertney asked Papa excitedly as they walked inside their hotel.
“Not now, Bertney,” Papa replied grumpily. He was upset because one of the bodyguards gave Bertney a chocolate bar on the flight. Bertney wasn’t allowed to have sugar on flights, but it tasted so good and all she had to do was show him her tinkle place. Bertney loved making trades.
“How about the spinny thing with them numbers in it?” Bertney asked.
“Not now!” Papa replied even more angrily.
“He’s in a really bad mood,” thought Bertney. “I know what’ll cheer him up.”
While Papa talked to the lady at the counter, Bertney went to the gift shop where a crowd of people gathered. Her plan was already working.
“Y’all give me five dollahs, and I’ll show mah boobies!” she told the crowd as fists full of money shot in the air. Bertney lifted up her shirt then quickly gathered up all the money. Surely this would make Papa smile.
“Papa! Papa!” Bertney yelled as she raced back to the counter. “I made you a hun’red dollahs!”
“Bertney,” Papa asked. “Where did you get this money?”
“Boobie show!” Bertney giggled making Papa laugh, too. He forgot all about the chocolate bar, and even told the nice man who carried their suitcases to put cartoons on for her. It was the bestest day she ever had.
Photos: Getty, MPNC/AKM-GSI, Splash News, WENN
Here’s Benedict Cumberbatch giving a dramatic reading of R. Kelly‘s “Genius” from the album Black Panties, and there’s literally nothing more I need to say here because you should’ve clicked play seven words into the headline. Why are you even reading this? Why?!
Benedict Cumberbatch & R. Kelly on ‘Jimmy Kimmel Live’ After The Jump
When the Kardsahians released their 2013 Khristmas Kard this week, Rob Kardashian was noticeably absent despite the fact it was a gigantic panoramic shot. So if Khloe wants to talk shit about people insulting her brother’s weight, maybe start with his mother who made a deliberate choice to encase Bruce in carbonite over portraying her own son as part of the family because he might block his sister’s tits. To me, that seems more damaging than some random douche on Twitter, but in fairness, I don’t live in constant fear of my mother’s hands changing into cloven hoofs before beating me in the name of Satan.
Photo: GUTS RAAK/AKM-GSI