While your pedestrian separation was a pauper’s poorbox that ended with your husband realizing he’d rather live in a one bedroom efficiency that smells of various beefs and jerkies than spend another minute with you, Gwyneth Paltrow‘s conscious uncoupling has poured rose-hued, spiritually rejuvenating tea into the Croatian hand cups of her marriage, according to the Daily Mail. For you see, when you ritualistically prepare your mind and body to transcend such mortal enclaves as love and commitment, you are at once prepared to let your husband have sex with as many other women as he wants before he grows weary of worrying about genital infirmities and unwanted bastards, common traps of the underclass. This is why you fail where Gwyneth has prospered. Now, bow to your queen and bring her tidings of meerkat milk for graciously enlightening you has given her thirst, and her palette shall suffer nothing less.
Before I even get into this story, remember back in 2011 when I used to constantly make jokes about Selena Gomez being pregnant at almost Reese Witherspoon-ian levels? Turns out that they may not have been entirely inaccurate because Justin Bieber is a fertile sonofabitch. Just ask his two bastards that are allegedly out there wondering why they keep turning water into maple syrup. Via Radar:
A new report claims the troubled pop star has gotten at least two women pregnant — aside from reports of impregnating on-again girlfriend Selena Gomez three years ago and losing it to a miscarriage — in the last four years, both of which were strategically covered up by his team.
“It’s horrible,” a source told In Touch of the pregnancies and Team Bieber‘s effort to cover them up to protect his $150 million net worth image.
Another insider told the magazine the two pregnancies were “dealt with” after their legitimacy was investigated and then the women are “taken care of financially” but cut off from Bieber, 20, forever.
So has anyone seen Mariah Yeater lately? Because she’s either dead now or has her own island. Or changed her whole appearance… HO. LEE. SHIT.
“Oh, how I’ve missed your space boob…”
“Mind-bone me, Norrin Seal!”
According to In Touch Weekly, Heidi Klum and Seal might be getting back together after spending two years banging other people. So I’m just going to assume that was a simple matter of her agreeing to stay out of his camera room, and him agreeing to become a rich, European billionaire because marriage is all about compromise. You’ve got to communicate your needs.
Photos: Getty, INFdaily, Splash News
Before she became a constantly naked twerking labia monster (who went through a brief nipple phase), bikini pics of Miley Cyrus would be a rare treat greeted by jokes of how she has sex with her dad. But now that we’ve stared directly into her anus, they’re practically a Disney movie. You can wallpaper your kid’s room with them.
Photos: Pacific Coast News
While it may seem like this job is nothing more than dick jokes and celebrity boob photos in my underwear, I do spend a considerable amount of each evening (Five minutes before three hours of Hearthstone.) readying for the morning’s penile satire and titty pageantry. And such was the case last night when I came across headline after headline about Lindsay Lohan supposedly appearing in a West End production of “Speed-the-Plow” which couldn’t be right. And it turns out it isn’t because the source is Lindsay Lohan, so everyone stop talking about this. Stop it right now. The New York Times report:
Ms. Lohan said that she has been in London for several months, preparing for a potential appearance in David Mamet’s “Speed-the-Plow” in the West End in November. “It’s the first time I’ve done a stage play or anything like that,” she said. “I’m nervous but I’m excited.”
Just a reminder, the last time someone gave Lindsay Lohan money to make a professional appearance, she gave them a list of demands and then bailed at the last minute because hooking pays more than charity balls, and she’s got a mountain of freckles to laser off. And I know what you’re thinking, David Mamet. If you get her close enough, she’ll blow you so hard you’ll forget all of your bad memories, but this is folly. Folly, I say!
Unless you’ve got $100,000 laying around. Then maybe.
Photos: Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto
- Quentin Tarantino and Uma Thurman is really happening. [Lainey Gossip]
- Benedict Cumberbatch has a girlfriend now. I’m so sorry, Internet. [Dlisted]
- The Newly Single Chivettes Have Come Out To Play [theCHIVE]
- Wait, Tila Tequila‘s cute? The Tila Tequila? [Fishwrapper]
- Apparently bears love oral sex. It’s only a matter of time until they overthrow us. [The Frisky]
- I’ll never understand people who don’t think Chrissy Teigen is hot as hell. [Popoholic]
- Mike Judge made TGI Fridays stop using “flair.” [Starpulse]
- Kendall & Kylie accurately describe their mother. [tooFab]
- Miranda Kerr will blow your mind. And Justin Bieber because God is dead. [Hollywood Tuna]
- Kim Kardashian took wet T-shirt pics for her honeymoon. Of course. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]
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Welcome to Wednesday’s The Crap We Missed where black guys saying it all with their eyes has gone from an innocent meme to something I’m now terrified I’m actually making happen with my mind. What else am I capable of? Quick, Hugh Jackman, touch your wife’s hand! OH JESUS, THIS SHIT’S FOR REAL!! Um, uh…ok, just relax, everybody be cool. I will use my powers only for goo– *makes Robert Pattinson‘s brain only capable of reciting dialogue from ‘Twilight’ for the rest of his life*
This is going to be really bad,
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Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News
Like any nerd worth his mint on card penis safely sealed in a Mylar bag, Wednesdays are when I scurry down to the local comic shop to spend my hard-earned money on 32-pages of chiseled dudes in tights, and because I can, I’m dragging you down into the mud with me. – *grabs you by the wrists while laughing just a little too hard* – Last week, Nikki Finke not only launched her new website with a logo that will crush all other logos before it, but also with an exclusive story detailing Warner Bros./DC Comic movies for the next four years that will supposedly be announced at Comic-Con next month. For those of you with lives and functioning sex organs, here’s the list: More »