In a new interview with The Telegraph, Lindsay Lohan claimed she handled Whitney Houston’s body bag during her court-ordered community service at the LA County morgue. Which obviously never happened because Lindsay Lohan said it did, but just for fun, here’s the coroner’s office pointing out how completely full of shit she is:
An official from the Coroner’s Office tells TMZ … Whitney was NEVER in a body bag and no one in the probation program came in contact with Whitney’s body.
Lindsay — who was ordered by a judge to spend time at the morgue to teach her a lesson about drinking and driving — claimed in an interview she was singled out to roll Whitney’s body bag.
In Lindsay Lohan’s defense, she is a cyborg hooker from the future now, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned from cyborg hookers from the future it’s that our definition of reality no longer pertains to them. Also, they can see through any object, so there’s no point in hiding your wallet. Don’t even bother.
Photos: INFphoto, Splash News
In light of the Ray Rice incident, CBS decided to pull “Run This Town” from Thursday Night Football because Rihanna was the victim of domestic violence, so let’s make her feel ashamed to have her music broadcast before the sacred and holy communion of NFL football. Except now they want to play her song this week because how else are they going to get past this Adrian Peterson shit without pretending everything’s fine and acting like nothing happened? Rihanna ain’t having it.
CBS you pulled my song last week, now you wanna slide it back in this Thursday? NO, Fuck you! Y’all are sad for penalizing me for this.
When reached for comment, a spokesperson for CBS responded, “It’s cool. We’ll just play a Michael Jackson song. That won’t remind anyone of child abuse, and we’ll just blow right by this Adrian Peter- I’m sorry, his father did what now? Oh. Oh GOD. *runs screaming down the hall* STOP IT! STOP THE MUSIC! FOOTBALL’S IN DANGER!”
Photos: Fame/Flynet, Getty, Pacific Coast News, Splash News
Kanye West has found himself in some shit after not once, but twice, demanding everyone at his shows stand up during his performance of “Good Life.” Which seems innocuous until you realize there were handicapped people in the audience who had to literally verify their disability before Kanye would go on. At one point, he actually complained how long it was taking because why rely on statistical probability when you can make your bodyguard embarrass the fuck out of a man in a wheelchair? Except now Kanye’s found out all y’all’s been talking about this shit and stopped another show to let everybody know the media’s got the wrong target. My man’s a Christian, and a true artist who’s not afraid to talk about pictures of his dick, so maybe put a helmet on before you read this. Via The Daily Beast: More »
- Holy shit, Angelina Jolie‘s new boobs are in a tanktop. [Lainey Gossip]
- John Travolta‘s pube beard will talk about those gay allegations now. [Dlisted]
- In case Claudia Romani isn’t enough bikini butt for you, enjoy. [theCHIVE]
- Kylie Jenner is a Kardashian Dirty Bomb waiting to explode. [Fishwrapper]
- There’s a homeless dude picking up women so he has a place to sleep? That’s actually amazing. [The Frisky]
- Nicki Minaj‘s old high school wouldn’t let her “inspire” kids. [WWTDD]
- Snoop Dogg is calling people “fags” on Instagram. Oh, good. [Death and Taxes]
- What’s up, Stella Maxwell? [Popoholic]
- That chick who went from George Clooney to Steve-O got married. [tooFab]
- Rosie Jones jumping on a trampoline. [Hollywood Tuna]
- And Kim Kardashian watching women flash their tits at Kanye. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]
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Welcome to Monday’s The Crap We Missed where I specifically chose this lead shot, not because it’s probably the creepiest photo I’ve ever seen, but because I think we can all agree that if Mitch Winehouse would’ve gone a little heavier on the whoopings, things could’ve turned out differently. See how awful, dumb and completely wrong that sounds? Cool, let’s move on. Actually, let’s keep the focus on parenting for a second with Weston Cage bringing his newborn to Chateau Marmont. Yes, that’s the place where they keep a suite made entirely of cocaine vacant for anytime Lindsay Lohan might drop in. Then there’s Kim and Kanye (sadly yes, they’re parents, which come to think of it, someone should probably remind them about that) who at this point look to me like their public appearances are the longest-running practical joke ever.
“Babe, pump up my butt more, it still fits in the doorway.”
“Hold up, this skidmark ain’t shavin’ itself onto my head!” – Actual conversation
- Photo Boy
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Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News
Back in July, Beyonce started changing song lyrics to make it sound she was getting a divorce which turned out to be a bullshit hoax to sell tickets. It was a lesson learned by everyone, and only an idiot would try pulling the same stunt twice, so here’s Jay Z changing song lyrics to make it sound like Beyonce’s pregnant now. Radar reports:
Jay Z reportedly made a surprise announcement that his wife Beyonce is expecting their second child during the pair’s On The Run tour stop in Paris last night.
According to French concertgoers, the rapper, 44, changed the lyrics in his song “Beach Is Better” to say “cause she pregnant with another one.”
Call my cynical, but I’m not believing a word of this shit until I see a stomach fold in half again followed by a surrogate’s lifeless body washing up on shore in a blood-stained hospital gown, the glimmer of a lavish lifestyle gone from her eyes, and wow, that got oddly specific. This is why you don’t beat your kids.
Now that I wrote a short novel about corporal punishment, here’s Demi Lovato lounging poolside in a bikini which is about as non-controversial as it gets until you find yourself wondering where Wilmer Valderrama is and start Googling local high schools to see if they had Homecoming dances this weekend. That’s where he feeds.
[Ed. Note: As I was writing this post, the Minnesota Vikings announced Adrian Peterson will be playing this Sunday because the NFL hates women and children as much as you do. They do interrupt a lot of games. - SW]
Because the Ray Rice elevator video wasn’t enough to remind everyone that the NFL has a serious domestic violence problem that it’s been fucking up for way too long, Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson was arrested Friday evening for reckless or negligent injury to a child after beating his four year old son with a switch. Keep in mind this is the same Adrian Peterson who lost a two-year-old son just last year when the child’s mother’s boyfriend viciously beat him to death. So lessons learned all around there because here’s the extent of this child’s injuries that were still visible a full week later. CBS Houston reports: More »