[Ed. Note: Never trifle with me again, BAG. You're outmatched. - SW]
When we last left Megan Fox, she was telling moviegoers to fuck off before they even see Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Since then, she’s already said she wants to go to back to Transformers, named Shia LaBeouf her favorite on-screen kiss and now here she is letting everyone know Brian Austin Green isn’t getting any because she has to do these fucking interviews, so go see Ninja Turtles if you want it to destroy your marriage, too. There, see? She promoted your stupid movie. Now fuck off. E! News reports:
“Brian doesn’t get any intimacy whatsoever,” she told Entertainment Tonight. Fox isn’t kidding, either. During an appearance on The View Tuesday, she said, “My [2-year-old son Noah] sleeps in bed with us, so there’s really no way.”
When reached for comment, Brian Austin Green would only respond to the name “Reek” and informed us several times master doesn’t like him talking to strangers. But eventually he showed us his severed penis in a box, and we all had a good laugh. You should’ve come.
Photos: Pacific Coast News, Splash News
Here’s a drunk – by her own admission – Chrissy Teigen at last night’s Dodgers game where she still managed to throw a better first pitch than 50 Cent did. And by better I mean it sort of went over the plate before she rolled around in the grass with Bonnie Cook then took pictures where it looks like she’s pissing in a sink. Which, at its core, is really what baseball is all about. Back me up, Babe Ruth’s ghost. Whenever you get done banging that hooker in the dugout. *looks at watch* So… Israel, huh?
Chrissy Teigen’s Drunken First Pitch After The Jump
When Anthony Cumia got fired from SiriusXM for being a racist asshole, a group of people who I’ll refer to as “fuckfaced morons,” tried to say things like, “Oh, he just over-exaggerates for the show,” or the even more idiotic, “Nothing he said was even racist at all.” Except here’s Anthony hopping in bed with The Political Cesspool, a white supremacist radio show with the following mission statement:
“We wish to revive the White birthrate above replacement level fertility and beyond to grow the percentage of Whites in the world relative to other races.”
Nope, nothing racist there. In fact, this sounds like the perfect intellectually stimulating environment to prove black people hate America because none of them worked on the Apollo space program if Anthony’s “being honest.” Via Media Matters: More »
It’s been two days since I ran Chloe Moretz in a bikini and Chris Hansen still hasn’t murdered me in the dream world yet, so I’m guessing it’s safe to post these shots of Lourdes Leon in Antibes where you’ll probably notice she’s smoking. Which isn’t ideal for a young girl, but her mother’s currently taking vagina selfies on Instagram and then deleting them after they’ve consumed enough souls, so worse things could be happening. Dead things, Mikey, dead things.
Madonna’s Vagina Selfie After The Jump
James Corden is about to be named Craig Ferguson‘s replacement on The Late Late Show, but nobody gives a shit about that, so here’s a better story that’s emerged from it because the Internet runs on Patrick Stewart almost as much as it runs on porn. I’ve done studies. Anyway, here’s the time Captain Picard got drunk at a British awards show and repeatedly made fun of James Corden’s gut right to his face because apparently Professor X hates fatties which is something I’ve always suspected. Christ, Cyclops is almost zero percent body fat. Just look at those obliques. You could practically eat off of them… “Storm! Hold my calls. *goes to unzip pants* Oh, right, paralyzed from the waist down. Never mind! I’ll take them.” (h/t Uproxx)
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- Jesus, Eva Mendes is about to have Ryan Gosling‘s baby already? [Lainey Gossip]
- Olivia Wilde‘s son peed on her during her Glamour shoot. Don’t let the Kardashians near him. [Dlisted]
- Black Is Beautiful [theCHIVE]
- The Duggars really are birthing a literal army. [Fishwrapper]
- Dating Don’ts: On Second Shots & Rerun Relationships [The Frisky]
- Jessica Biel‘s ass has still got it. [Popoholic]
- Lucy Hale almost got fisted in Fifty Shades of Grey. [Starpulse]
- Nina Dobrev playing giant beer pong with Jimmy Fallon. [tooFab]
- Goddamn, Sarah Stephens. [Hollywood Tuna]
- Lily Allen‘s panty flash will terrify you. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]
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“… I’m going to let Ashton Kutcher impregnate me.”
Up until now, you probably thought a child sex alarm and spending $35 million over the course of at least 24 kids were the most disturbing allegations you’d ever hear about Michael Jackson. Except here comes latest accuser James Safechuck detailing the special “code words” Michael used to talk to children he was having sex with because your soul needed to be darken a little bit. It was shining too bright. TMZ reports:
In new court docs — obtained by TMZ — Safechuck says Michael taught him to use code words … referring to his erection as “bright light, brick city” … and calling semen, “duck butter.”
Safechuck claims Jackson also used secret signals — when they would hold hands, Michael would scratch the inside of James’ hand with a finger … to show he wanted to have sex.
Okay, duck butter I can understand because we’re talking about a man who drink anesthesia for breakfast, but “bright light, brick city?” Jesus Christ, these are kids, not a 1970s hustler named Harpoon Sweetberry. The important thing is at least he wasn’t marrying them. Except, goddammit, he was marrying them: More »
Welcome to Tuesday’s The Crap We Missed which doesn’t have any breastfeeding pics in it, so I don’t know why I put this together at all. You guys seem to only care about babies suckling on their mothers’ amazingly inflated breasts, lately. Seriously, what’s the big deal? Did you even notice Steven Spielberg jerking off Oprah, did you? Why do I even bother?
*kicks dirt* Guess I won’t be needing these anymore. *crumples up pics of Coco‘s butt, tosses in gutter*
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Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News