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Posted by Photo Boy
Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen named their newborn daughter Briar Rose, but I’m still not sold on Hayden being the real father. I don’t remember anything about how whining into the uterus fertilizes the egg from that Miracle of Life video we watched in 7th grade. But I am now remembering the first time I put my hand down a girl’s pants and I freaked out because I thought it was going to be mauled by a buffalo. And now I’m remembering years of therapy. And now I’m remembering that alcohol was the only way to really forget. And now I’m remembering a friend saying “Hey, you wanna make some money on the Internet?”
Bertney And The Key To The City
A Good Citizen Reader
Bertney loved keys. She loved keys even more than she loved having a whole day named after her because she already thought every day was named after her.
“On Bertney Day everybody goes to church. And on Bertney Day I get to put Lucky Charms in my ice cream!” she’ll tell you with glee.
But keys are very, very special. Sometimes Papa will jingle his keys in front of Bertney’s faces and before she could stop giggling, she’d wake up in bed with a new boyfriend. It was always very exciting.
“Now listen closely, Bertney Jean,” Papa said while Bertney thought about a butterfly she saw by the swing set. It had white dots on its wings! “Today, you’re going to receive the Key to Las Vegas, and it is a very special honor.”
Bertney didn’t know what any of those words meant, but she did know that keys can open doors. And aren’t food. That one took a while for her to learn. More »
Welcome to Thursday’s The Crap We Missed that would have had Taylor Swift‘s amazing TBT Instagram in the lead if Coco‘s ass hadn’t ricocheted it deep into the gallery with a velocity for which there is no earthly measure. That thing is a threat to us all and I’ve been warning NASA for years, but they don’t tend to listen to people who’s livelihood almost exclusively hinges on publishing side boob next to Jax Teller‘s wacky hair in the hopes that you guys will somehow make a funny holocaust joke out of it.
When it finally strikes and most of the human race is dead except for Kardashians and the millions of Witherspawn, they’ll wish they’d listened…
Ariana Grande performed at the CMA‘s last night, but I refuse to write about that on principle, so here’s her new video for “Love Me Harder” because like I said underneath Margot Robbie‘s nipples, I’m trying to make this a happy day for everybody. In this case, dudes who like 21-year-old girls that look like they’re 12. I don’t condone your lifestlye, but dammit if I won’t squeeze a bunch of pageviews out of you before forwarding your IP address to Chris Hansen. (He’s already in your pantry. It’s too late for you now.)
I make it a point never to watch reality TV because I have better things to do with my time like [literally anything that's not reality TV here]. So I have no idea who Aaron Grissom is, but the Internet tells me he’s a huge fucking douche everyone hates on Top Chef which I’m going to believe because he just got arrested for beating his girlfriend. “Allegedly.” TMZ reports:
Aaron Grissom — easily the most hated contestant on the current season of “Top Chef” — has been arrested for felony domestic violence … TMZ has learned.
Law enforcement sources tell TMZ … Grisson was at his San Fernando Valley home Tuesday afternoon when he got into a heated argument with his girlfriend and allegedly pushed her hard enough that her knee got injured.
When I was a manager at Applebee’s, one of our grill cooks was arrested for beating the shit out of his girlfriend before robbing her blind and couldn’t make it to his Friday night shift unless somebody posted his bail. Which another manager literally asked me to chip in for because the riblets weren’t going to cook themselves. I didn’t, by the way, and am mostly telling myself this story to steel myself for working in the food industry again when the site goes tits up. Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh, right, douche chef. What is he like the Chris Brown of steaks or something? (Nailed it.)
Adding… If all of this is completely underwhelming news, here’s a story about how Freddy Krueger got Mark Hamill the role of Luke Skywalker because every actor slept on another actor’s couch in the 70s. They won’t tell you to your face, but most of them still won’t sleep in beds. They’re a cowardly and superstitious lot.