The Crap We Missed – Monday 10.20.14

October 20th, 2014 // 332 Comments

Welcome to Monday’s The Crap We Missed that features Aunt Becky & DJ after a sweaty workout, Roman Polanski posing with monsters, and Antonio Sabato Jr.‘s penis, so exactly everything, in order, from my dream last night, except…*averts terrified eyes from gallery, slowly returns gaze*If Maitland Ward‘s greasy nipples are in here, I might lose my fucking mind*clicks*


- Photo Boy

Click Here To Start The Gallery

Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

And Now Back To Celebrities: What Are They Doing With Their Vaginas?

October 20th, 2014 // 38 Comments

After the depressing one-two punch (poor choice of words) of Stephen Collins getting off (and I did it again) scot-free and Ray Rice being reinstated next month, I thought we could use some lighter fare. So here’s Miley Cyrus doing wacky stuff with her vulva because she’s not Hannah Montana anymore blah blah blah drugs. The important thing is I wrote vulva instead of vagina which is practically a miracle considering I still think these things can read minds like Quato. Or maybe I just date a lot of women with baby arms down there. Baby arms that, now that I think about, look an awful lot like di- sonofabitch.

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Photos: Vantagenews/AKM-GSI

Ray Rice Could Be Reinstated Next Month

October 20th, 2014 // 54 Comments
Ray Rice
Just For Saying Words
Bill Simmons
Bill Simmons Suspended Longer Than Ray Rice Read More »

After TMZ published footage showing Ray Rice knocking his fiance out in an elevator which the NFL almost definitely saw, he was suspended indefinitely by the league after getting just a two-game suspension and a pat on the back from the Ravens. From there, it’s been one perpetual fuck-up after the other including an extensive report by ESPN on how the NFL and the Ravens were actively involved in minimizing the legal damage from one of its players beating a woman unconscious because LOL women. And now the NFL’s shit-ass half-measures on domestic violence will probably see Ray Rice playing again by the middle of November just like everyone joked. CBS Sports reports:

Rice has maintained he did not lie in his testimony to Commissioner Roger Goodell, and his legal team will make the case that even under the NFL’s new domestic violence policy, and as a first-time offender, Rice should be suspended a maximum of six games, which has already passed. Furthermore, they will make the argument that the video tape of Rice’s actions were available to the team and the league throughout the process of determining his discipline, and thus nothing changed whatsoever with the case from the time Rice was suspended two games, until eventually being suspended indefinitely, save for TMZ obtaining and posting the video.
Numerous legal experts I’ve spoken to believe Rice has an exceedingly strong case, and, considering it could be Week 10 or so before this hearing is resolved, it’s hard for them to conceive that Rice isn’t reinstated by Jones as part of her decision.

In the meantime, two former wives of NFL players have come forward to the Washington Post about “how the league, the union, coaches, and even cops encouraged them to stay silent.” Via Deadspin: More »

Jena Malone Is Probably Batfleck’s Robin

October 20th, 2014 // 37 Comments
Jena Malone Red Hair
Previously In Nerd Shit
Tom Hardy Might Be Apocalypse Read More »

So here’s what we know about Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice: It’s heavily influenced by The Dark Knight Returns. In The Dark Knight Returns, Robin is a redhead girl named Carrie Kelley. Jena Malone has red hair which is already way more information than the Internet needs to wildly speculate, but here’s an overly-talkative extra telling a news reporter that Robin’s a girl now just in case. Via Variety:

WILX-10 News station reporter Kirk Montgomery spoke with one of the extras at Michigan State University, where a scene involving Bruce Wayne (Ben Affleck) and Lex Luthor (Jesse Eisenberg) was being filmed this week.
“I’ve also learned that the character of Robin is now female,” he said alluding to the film’s top secret script.
Warner Bros. declined to comment.

Now before jackasses eventually starts screaming “PC BULLSHIT!” and driving people from their homes, keep in mind, like I said at the beginning of the goddamn post, in The Dark Knight Returns, probably the most iconic and game-changing Batman story ever written, Robin is a girl. That shit is canon. Not to mention, it was written by probably the most un-PC person in comics you can possibly find. I’m talking about a guy whose depiction of women went from cannon fodder to they’re all whores to having Superman straight-up rape one because 9/11. Basically you’d love him.

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Photo: Splash News

Jennifer Lopez Still Makes Videos With Fat Joe

October 20th, 2014 // 14 Comments
Jennifer Lopez Stressin Fat Joe
WATCH: Fat Joe - 'Stressin ft. Jennifer Lopez'

For the rest of her natural life, Jennifer Lopez will never make a video that’s better than “Booty.” These are facts. However, that still won’t stop me from posting the new video for Fat Joe’s “Stressin” because there’s nothing more with the times than tone-deaf rap videos where rich people brag about how awesome and stress-free their lives are. Also, Jennifer Lopez over-emphasizes “thousand dollar tips” as “thousand dollar teeeyips,” and that shit will get stuck straight in your head. – The Superficial: I’mma Put My Pain In You.

Kim Kardashian’s Endorsement Demands Are As Ridiculous As Her Ass

October 20th, 2014 // 82 Comments
This Poor Fucking Kid
Kim Kardashian Kanye West Dolls North
She Doesn't Stand A Chance Read More »

Most, if not all, of Kim Kardashian‘s services can be purchased through Kris Jenner. And if you think that’s an exaggeration, here’s Kim accepting an Austrian businessman’s money to be his date to the 2014 Opera Ball in Vienna while engaged to Kanye West. In fact, I ran the numbers on how many times Warren Buffet could afford to have sex with her, and I’m pretty sure I just predicted his death. Anyway, Radar Online has apparently obtained a “secret email” between Kim’s rep and an unspecified firm looking to hire her to promote their brand which basically opens with her requiring at least a $750,000 to $1 million fee before she’ll even think about charging them for a whole bunch of other shit:

Wrote the rep, “I think you should definitely come back with the best offer that you can make her from a money standpoint, so that we can save the time going back and forth.”
But the fee is only the half of it.
For travel related to personal appearances for the brand, the Keeping Up with the Kardashians star requires “5 first class tickets, plus 1 coach [Ed. Note: Because 6 first class tickets would just be obscene. - SW], first class hotel accommodations (1 suite for talent and standard rooms for others in party), portal to portal first class exclusive ground transportation, airport greeter service, security, glam fee (day rate for her hair and makeup squad), and a per diem.”
Her rep also noted, “We would need approval over photographer, all photos used in print materials, glam squad (hair, makeup, stylist, manicurist), hotel/airline/car service and PR usage.”

And while all of that sounds like you’re typical con game, here’s the best part that perfectly sums up this entirely family:

But if Kardashian’s diva demands put her out of the company’s price range, the rep was willing to offer second best: Kendall Jenner would shill the line for $500,000 to $1 million, the rep said.

Do I even need to write a joke here? Kris Jenner’s children are cattle. They’re literally cattle. This just validated every single “Moo” in the comments. And the ones I know you people are saying out loud. Don’t deny it.

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Photos: Fame/Flynet, RAAK/AKM-GSI

Tom Hardy Might Be Apocalypse, Or Whatever The Hell ‘Suicide Squad’ Is

October 20th, 2014 // 6 Comments
What's A Doctor Strange?
Please Stop Making Me Write These Read More »

[Ed. Note: One of my new favorite things is to make Photo Boy write about any of the 8,000 comic book movies set to come out in the next three years because like most of the general movie-going public, he has no fucking clue who half of these characters are, so it's fun to see the reaction of someone who doesn't have every single of them in action figure form somewhere in his basement. Also, Monday's his busiest day putting together The Crap We Missed, so he's going to be extra pissy about this. Enjoy. - SW]

Posted by Photo Boy

It’s time for me to ignorantly snark on comic book movie casting, a subject I truly only get amped about after seeing the finished product and going, “Wow, what a terrible choice.” (Looking right at you, Dane DeHaan‘s Harry Osborn) So, here’s a quote Fish pulled that’s relevant to this topic yet reads like Sanskrit to me. Via The Wrap:

Tom Hardy was once rumored to be in contention for “Doctor Strange,” though he has recently been courted for WB’s “Suicide Squad” and the title role in “X-Men: Apocalypse,” so don’t expect to see him join the MCU anytime soon.

As far as whether Tom Hardy will be in one of these movies I’m definitely going to watch even if it’s cast entirely with Muppets, who gives a shit? These movies are almost two years away from theaters and Ebola’s going to kill us all by then if Obama’s plan goes accordingly, so let’s look at my favorite quote from this piece instead:

Ryan Gosling’s name was recently thrown into the fray as well, and while he has avoided blockbuster fare in the past, he’s now a father with a family to think of –

Yep, Ryan Gosling might have to start taking parts like this, or it could be back to the mall food court on the weekends. So, if you think it’s irresponsible for Fish to shirk these posts off on me instead of giving you an informed, comic-savvy opinion, maybe try pills. Or talking to someone. Real people’s faces make expressions when they speak, creating the context and nuance of human interacti– and you’re already posting reaction gifs in the comments. Wonderful, I think we’re done here.

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Photo: Pacific Coast News

Stephen Collins Won’t Be Charged With Child Molestation. Yup.

October 20th, 2014 // 32 Comments
Stephen Collins
I'm Sorry, He Said What?
Stephen Collins
About His Own Child? JESUS CHRIST, LADY Read More »

Despite audio tapes where he allegedly confesses to molesting several children, Stephen Collins will not be facing any charges from the recently re-opened investigations by the NYPD and LAPD because the statute of limitations has expired. So not only is that awful, but I’m pretty sure this is how Freddy Krueger got started, and now we have to deal with that shit. Nobody go to sleep! TMZ reports:

TMZ posted audio of Collins confessing to wife Faye Grant that he molested and/or exposed himself to 3 girls … ages 11 – 13. And, as we reported … the NYPD and the L.A. County Sheriff’s Dept. have open investigations. The LAPD is also looking into the case they closed 2 years ago.
But law enforcement sources in all 3 police departments tell TMZ … the cases will go nowhere. All 3 cases are decades old, and our sources say prosecution would be barred by the statute of limitations.
The NYPD case is the one with the best argument that the statute hasn’t run … as we reported the victim came forward in 2012 and spoke with NY detectives. But that case involves an incident in the 70s and we’re told law enforcement has all but given up on a viable case.

However, there is allegedly another victim out there who was molested as recently as 2007, but hasn’t come forward yet: More »