The entire point of Tila Tequila posting this video is to draw attention to Tila Tequila, so yes, I know I fell right into her trap. But after watching this video, not only will you wish I shot your children right in front of your eyes instead, you’ll also realize I was useless to resist because, my god, look at all that POWER. Sparkles are coming out of her fingertips. Sparkles! We should probably sacrifice a goat before she destroys the harvest. To the high priest!
Photos: Splash News
Here’s Amanda Bynes‘ new look which apparently involves pushing back her extensions and showing everyone that, yes, her head was recently shaved because that’s never been a sign of a complete mental breakdown for a celebrity before. In fact, none of us should be concerned if she starts wielding an umbrella. She’s just very cognizant of the weather, and her toaster oven will back that up once he’s done visiting his secret family in France. (Don’t tell, Mr. Coffee. That’s their business.)
UPDATE: Since posting the pic, Amanda has retweeted no less 8,000 tweets saying she looks like Miley Cyrus, so now might be a good time to form a search party and prepare yourself to find a body.
Alright, folks, here’s today’s installment of The Week in Playmate Instagrams which I’m leaving you with while I bounce to start my annual vacation and place you in the soft, tender Italian hands of Photo Boy who I’ve already tasked with turning a tale about Gwyneth Paltrow‘s hairy vagina into sweet mozz’rella. (Will you get a Weekend Nerdior? Depends on my calabash levels.) On that note, since I wrote all this below Instagrams of Playmates exactly five of you read this, so fill in the others, or make up some story about how I got syphilis from banging a dragon. Actually, now I want to change the whole post to that: I’m banging a dragon.
Photos: Courtesy of Playboy
- Justin Timberlake is so happy being married to the woman who let him bang Mila Kunis, Olivia Munn, Olivia Wilde, probably Amanda Seyfried, an Olsen twin… [Lainey Gossip]
- Jennifer Aniston isn’t making Justin Theroux sign a pre-nup. This should end well. [Dlisted]
- I’m not sure if theChive has gotten into the mail order bride business or not, but I like it. [theCHIVE]
- Jessica Alba wore a double corset day and night for three months to lose her pregnancy weight. “But you can still eat Chili’s?” asked Jessica Simpson. [tooFab]
- Two Excellent Parodies Of Amanda Palmer’s “A Poem For Dzhokhar” [BuzzFeed]
- Ashley Tisdale‘s still tweeting bikini photos. [Popoholic]
- If Kat Dennings covers up her breasts at a Hollywood premiere, did she ever really exist in the first place? [Hollywood Tuna]
- Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minillo are moving to.. Ohio. [Celebslam]
- Apparently JoJo is insanely flexible. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]
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Photos: Pacific Coast News
Welcome to Thursday’s The Crap We Missed where I think I might have rustled up a new client for Beyonce‘s publicist. We honestly debated on whether that was a hand, scat porn or simply Pink‘s penis, and around here Occam’s razor almost always dictates penis. It’s science. We’ve also got Demi Moore & Cher‘s collective 158 years of natural grace and beauty as well as clear evidence that the restriction of the Hammbone is literally draining Jon Hamm‘s life force.
Have you no souls, AMC? Oh right, Comic Book Men, nevermind,
- Photo Boy
Click Here To Start The Gallery
Photo: Bauer-Griffin, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INF, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN
Dear Sir/Madam/Rube Goldberg Device,
Whatever amount of Britney Spears‘ medicine you recently started dispensing, not dispensing, making look like Skittles; keep doing it. For the first time in a long time, I’m actually looking at an attractive woman who I’m willing to believe knows what day of the week it is. Even if she pronounces it “Bursday.”
- The Superficial
UPDATE: I’m being told this is entirely the difference a decent bra can make. Right, sure it is. *realizes I’m naked holding a copy of Baby, One More Time* These things will enslave us all. To the caves!