The 2014 Teen Choice Awards

August 11th, 2014 // 163 Comments
'Shut Up About Fat Brother'
Kim Kardashian Nipples Legs High Slit Dress Almost Panty Flash
Your Children's Role Model Read More »

Someone just spotted Kim Kardashian.

I’ve grown old enough where I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be a teenager and now hate them for their youthful vigor and freedom to make stupid choices with abandon. Case in point: I once drove an hour to the nearest Best Buy to buy Limp Bizkit’s Significant Other. A dystopian society where our emotions are administered by robots would’ve detected this weakness and laser beamed me in the dick, so keep that in mind. Anyway, to drive that stupid part home, here’s The 2014 Teen Choice Awards where Cancer Girlfriend (That’s the title. Shut up.) won everything and the Kardashians were invited as role models and not gag urinals. Which is why it’s time to stop hoping for moon bases and AIDS cures and set our sights on more realistic goals like advanced boob jiggling in video games. Which actually sounds awesome, and now I feel bad about those kids I shot on my yard. One of them might perfect CGI nipples.

Photos: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Amy Willerton Is Topless And Other News

August 11th, 2014 // 15 Comments

- Kristen Stewart is still bitching about being famous. [Lainey Gossip]

- Sinead O’Connor thinks Justin Bieber is sexually exploited. Run, Usher! She knows! [Dlisted]

- There Are Sexy Chivers Among Us [theCHIVE]

- Julia Roberts is talking shit about Halle Berry. [Fishwrapper]

- If Ryan Gosling didn’t know Jane Fonda wants him to eat her vagina, he does now. [The Frisky]

- January Jones in lingerie, anyone? [WWTDD]

- I will fucking kill you, Hayden Christensen. Fucking kill you dead. [Popoholic]

- Beyonce‘s still trying to shut down divorce rumors. [Starpulse]

- Jennifer Aniston won’t “inject shit” into her face. [tooFab]

- Remember Victoria Jackson? Apparently she ran for office. And lost. [IDLYITW]

- I don’t pay near enough attention to Nina Dobrev. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Chris Brown is beating the shit out of nature now. [Celebslam]

- Anastasia Ashley‘s butt sells things now. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: FameFlynet

Michael Bay Is The Antichrist: A Review of ‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’

August 8th, 2014 // 47 Comments
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2014

Last week, I missed a significant chunk of Guardians of The Galaxy thanks to pure death violently escaping my body. And yet what I did get to see in a fevered, anxious fugue was still light years beyond Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in every possible way. If Guardians was a throwback to classic 80s adventures like Star Wars, Raiders of The Lost Ark, Buckaroo Banzai, and The Last Starfighter, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is a throwback to the piece of shit Transformers movie you just saw four weeks ago. It’s everything wrong with Hollywood right down to casting Whoopi Goldberg as a sassy black woman whose sole purpose is to not want to hear ’bout no karate kicking turtles and then literally disappearing for the rest of the movie. So right off the bat, yes, you can feel Michael Bay all over this thing. Touching it, caressing it, maybe asking if it wants to hang in the Jacuzzi later. You know, there could be a sequel if it plays it cards right…

‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ Review After The Jump

The Most Important People on The Internet:
Volume 4.21

August 8th, 2014 // 29 Comments

So good news: I survived Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles without vital organs sloughing out of my butt. However, the loss of my time along with subsequent brain damage will affect every man, woman, and child on the planet. Or just the ones following me on Twitter. Anyway, to make up for a light day while I get to work writing about everything wrong with Hollywood ninja kicking a robot samurai, here’s this week’s The Most Important People on The Internet which may include a selection from my “private collection.” I’m still a bit disoriented from seeing a movie that entirely hinges on Megan Fox‘s acting. There aren’t enough filthy Ferraris in the world to justify that. Unless Michael Bay‘s moved onto economy sedans… Jesus Christ, we’re all dead.

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Sylvie van der Vaart In A Bikini Is The Crap I Missed

August 8th, 2014 // 15 Comments

Alright, folks, Photo Boy’s on vacation, so I’ve been flying/scrambling solo today and have to catch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles shortly. Hopefully, I’ll dodge the same fate as my attempt to review Guardians of The Galaxy (which I still haven’t seen again yet), but I’m pretty sure I’ll be fine because I have zero interest in seeing this raccoons-with-machine-guns-less piece of shit outside of writing 10,000 words about why it’s a piece of shit, so look for that later today. For real this time. On that note, here’s Sylvie van der Vaart to keep you busy, but no fapping or Kate Upton won’t get naked. We’re focusing on the big picture now.

Photos: CordonPress/AKM-GSI

Kate Upton Won’t Get Naked And It’s Your Fault

August 8th, 2014 // 28 Comments
Shh, No More Talking
Kate Upton Fat Weight Gain Lily Aldridge Midriff Legs Short Shorts
No More Talking. Just Emotions. Read More »

In a new interview with Details, Kate Upton reveals why she’ll never pose naked, and it’s because of jerks already putting photos of her all over the Internet for people to get boners from them which apparently isn’t “art” even though I ritualistically paint my penis in the style of Gustav Klimt every morning before breakfast, so maybe check your privilege, Kate:

For me those photos are art. Your body is art, your body is beautiful, and to be photographed in that way is amazing and it’s received in a very positive way. But with social media and the Internet and not so great blogs and the attention like that, I don’t think that my pictures would be received in the way that I’d want them to be received. That’s why I’ve stayed away from them. I really appreciate those photos and I think those women are beautiful, but I think social media and the Internet has prevented me from putting myself out there like that.

Kate Upton made a Hot Pockets video with Snoop Dogg, so I’m pretty sure she gave up the right to lecture anyone about art if not dinner pastries. That said, I’m personally offended that she thinks me, a “not so great” blogger, wouldn’t tastefully post her nudes to the Internet. For the record, I already have scented candles sitting right here which I will painstakingly light while the romantic Nelly ballad “Hot In Herre” plays in the background. It’ll be like a night of culture at the Louvre provided the Louvre is some sort of giant masturbating arena from TRON which I’ll argue to the death it is.

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Guys, I’m Pretty Sure Megan Fox Wants To Bang Shia LaBeouf Again

August 8th, 2014 // 17 Comments
No Sex For Brian
Megan Fox Legs Apple Store Interview
Megan Fox Sounds Like A Fun Wife Read More »

Earlier in the week, Megan Fox made it a point to let the world know she’s not having sex with Brian Austin Green. On top of that, she made a passive aggressive jab that he wants more kids because “he doesn’t have to do any of the work” and then followed that up by naming Shia LaBeouf her favorite on screen kiss. The same Shia LaBeouf she hooked up with while filming Transformers and is now openly defending despite a series of douchetastic shitamaroo. The New York Daily News reports:

“I’m not worried about Shia,” says Fox. “I love my Shia. He’s perfectly fine. I haven’t talked to him in a couple of years, but I don’t worry about him. He’s a brilliant kid, talented and funny. … There’s no reason to worry.”

And in case that’s not enough evidence she wants to leave Brian Austin Green for The Beef, here’s an even bigger bombshell that proves their marriage is a sexless dungeon of passive aggressive hate and death. E! News reports: More »