Before she became a constantly naked twerking labia monster (who went through a brief nipple phase), bikini pics of Miley Cyrus would be a rare treat greeted by jokes of how she has sex with her dad. But now that we’ve stared directly into her anus, they’re practically a Disney movie. You can wallpaper your kid’s room with them.
Photos: Pacific Coast News
While it may seem like this job is nothing more than dick jokes and celebrity boob photos in my underwear, I do spend a considerable amount of each evening (Five minutes before three hours of Hearthstone.) readying for the morning’s penile satire and titty pageantry. And such was the case last night when I came across headline after headline about Lindsay Lohan supposedly appearing in a West End production of “Speed-the-Plow” which couldn’t be right. And it turns out it isn’t because the source is Lindsay Lohan, so everyone stop talking about this. Stop it right now. The New York Times report:
Ms. Lohan said that she has been in London for several months, preparing for a potential appearance in David Mamet’s “Speed-the-Plow” in the West End in November. “It’s the first time I’ve done a stage play or anything like that,” she said. “I’m nervous but I’m excited.”
Just a reminder, the last time someone gave Lindsay Lohan money to make a professional appearance, she gave them a list of demands and then bailed at the last minute because hooking pays more than charity balls, and she’s got a mountain of freckles to laser off. And I know what you’re thinking, David Mamet. If you get her close enough, she’ll blow you so hard you’ll forget all of your bad memories, but this is folly. Folly, I say!
Unless you’ve got $100,000 laying around. Then maybe.
Photos: Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto
- Quentin Tarantino and Uma Thurman is really happening. [Lainey Gossip]
- Benedict Cumberbatch has a girlfriend now. I’m so sorry, Internet. [Dlisted]
- The Newly Single Chivettes Have Come Out To Play [theCHIVE]
- Wait, Tila Tequila‘s cute? The Tila Tequila? [Fishwrapper]
- Apparently bears love oral sex. It’s only a matter of time until they overthrow us. [The Frisky]
- I’ll never understand people who don’t think Chrissy Teigen is hot as hell. [Popoholic]
- Mike Judge made TGI Fridays stop using “flair.” [Starpulse]
- Kendall & Kylie accurately describe their mother. [tooFab]
- Miranda Kerr will blow your mind. And Justin Bieber because God is dead. [Hollywood Tuna]
- Kim Kardashian took wet T-shirt pics for her honeymoon. Of course. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]
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Welcome to Wednesday’s The Crap We Missed where black guys saying it all with their eyes has gone from an innocent meme to something I’m now terrified I’m actually making happen with my mind. What else am I capable of? Quick, Hugh Jackman, touch your wife’s hand! OH JESUS, THIS SHIT’S FOR REAL!! Um, uh…ok, just relax, everybody be cool. I will use my powers only for goo– *makes Robert Pattinson‘s brain only capable of reciting dialogue from ‘Twilight’ for the rest of his life*
This is going to be really bad,
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Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News
Like any nerd worth his mint on card penis safely sealed in a Mylar bag, Wednesdays are when I scurry down to the local comic shop to spend my hard-earned money on 32-pages of chiseled dudes in tights, and because I can, I’m dragging you down into the mud with me. – *grabs you by the wrists while laughing just a little too hard* – Last week, Nikki Finke not only launched her new website with a logo that will crush all other logos before it, but also with an exclusive story detailing Warner Bros./DC Comic movies for the next four years that will supposedly be announced at Comic-Con next month. For those of you with lives and functioning sex organs, here’s the list: More »
On Monday night, Selena Gomez was spotted clubbing with Justin Bieber after spending the entire day with him in Malibu. And now last night, she had the cops called to her house after throwing a “rager” which is a term I didn’t think anyone born after 1982 actually uses, and yet here we are. TMZ reports:
Selena Gomez had a rager at her house Tuesday night … and it got so out of hand cops were called.
Law enforcement sources tell TMZ … Selena’s Hidden Hills, CA neighbors were so pissed off at the loud noise coming from her house at around 11:30 PM … they called police. The cops responded and warned Selena and company to turn down the volume or else.
One neighbor tells TMZ … the noise was so ear-crushing her windows were rattling.
According to Selena’s family – who for the record, she fired – she’s told them she’s back together with Justin because he’s “cleaned up his act,” but they’re not buying it. Which racism aside, is just plain bigoted against Christianity in general. The poor kid dunked his head in a bathtub for Jesus, so obviously he’s a whole new person now. What more do you need? Whoever he was before went down that drain. In fact, don’t even call him Justin anymore. Call him Rakeem The Righteous. #OneLove
Photos: Splash News
In a new interview with Howard Stern, Donald Trump apparently made it clear that he would pass on having sex with Jennifer Lopez and Kim Kardashian who he says would’ve been rightfully shunned in the olden days. And not because she has sex with black guys, but just assume that’s part of the rich tapestry here. Via Hollywood Life:
When asked if he thinks Kim’s butt is too big, Donald was blunt. “Well, absolutely! It’s record setting. In the old days, they’d say she’s got a bad body,” he spilled to the Howard Stern Show on June 17. Wow. He’s no fan of JLo’s booty, either. When Howard asked Donald if he prefers Kim or JLo, he said neither! “I would pass on both,” he boldy declared.
When reached for comment, Kim Kardashian and Jennifer Lopez drove off a cliff together because it’s every woman’s dream to watch an elderly man come dangerously close to a heart attack when his toupee hits her in the face as he’s flopping his gray, half-erect penis against her vagina. Why go on living?
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