Alright, folks, here’s today’s installment of The Week in Playmate Instagrams which I’m leaving you with while I bounce to start my annual vacation and place you in the soft, tender Italian hands of Photo Boy who I’ve already tasked with turning a tale about Gwyneth Paltrow‘s hairy vagina into sweet mozz’rella. (Will you get a Weekend Nerdior? Depends on my calabash levels.) On that note, since I wrote all this below Instagrams of Playmates exactly five of you read this, so fill in the others, or make up some story about how I got syphilis from banging a dragon. Actually, now I want to change the whole post to that: I’m banging a dragon.
Photos: Courtesy of Playboy
- Justin Timberlake is so happy being married to the woman who let him bang Mila Kunis, Olivia Munn, Olivia Wilde, probably Amanda Seyfried, an Olsen twin… [Lainey Gossip]
- Jennifer Aniston isn’t making Justin Theroux sign a pre-nup. This should end well. [Dlisted]
- I’m not sure if theChive has gotten into the mail order bride business or not, but I like it. [theCHIVE]
- Jessica Alba wore a double corset day and night for three months to lose her pregnancy weight. “But you can still eat Chili’s?” asked Jessica Simpson. [tooFab]
- Two Excellent Parodies Of Amanda Palmer’s “A Poem For Dzhokhar” [BuzzFeed]
- Ashley Tisdale‘s still tweeting bikini photos. [Popoholic]
- If Kat Dennings covers up her breasts at a Hollywood premiere, did she ever really exist in the first place? [Hollywood Tuna]
- Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minillo are moving to.. Ohio. [Celebslam]
- Apparently JoJo is insanely flexible. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]
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Photos: Pacific Coast News
Welcome to Thursday’s The Crap We Missed where I think I might have rustled up a new client for Beyonce‘s publicist. We honestly debated on whether that was a hand, scat porn or simply Pink‘s penis, and around here Occam’s razor almost always dictates penis. It’s science. We’ve also got Demi Moore & Cher‘s collective 158 years of natural grace and beauty as well as clear evidence that the restriction of the Hammbone is literally draining Jon Hamm‘s life force.
Have you no souls, AMC? Oh right, Comic Book Men, nevermind,
- Photo Boy
Click Here To Start The Gallery
Photo: Bauer-Griffin, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INF, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN
Dear Sir/Madam/Rube Goldberg Device,
Whatever amount of Britney Spears‘ medicine you recently started dispensing, not dispensing, making look like Skittles; keep doing it. For the first time in a long time, I’m actually looking at an attractive woman who I’m willing to believe knows what day of the week it is. Even if she pronounces it “Bursday.”
- The Superficial
UPDATE: I’m being told this is entirely the difference a decent bra can make. Right, sure it is. *realizes I’m naked holding a copy of Baby, One More Time* These things will enslave us all. To the caves!
While at the premiere of Gwyneth Paltrow’s Side-Butt: The Movie last night, Joss Whedon basically came right out and told Yahoo! Movies that Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver will be in The Avengers 2. Which seemed pretty random because everyone just assumed Fox had the rights to them and WHY?
“I’ve got these two characters, two of my favorite characters from the comic book, a brother-sister act, they’re in the movie. That’s exciting! You lock certain things in, there’s a fluidity.”
Turns out the characters are up for grabs to whoever ever uses them first. However, if Fox uses them they can’t mention them being Avengers, and if Disney uses them, they can’t be Magneto’s kids. Pending, of course, the rumor that Mark Millar brokered a deal where Disney and Fox can “borrow” characters that was probably started by Mark Millar. What we do know is that Joss Whedon definitely wants to bang his sister. And trust me, non-nerds, that was a hilarious joke if you know anything about Wanda and Pietro here. Several twelve-sided dies were just erroneously cast in fits of snorts. I bet my commemorative plates on it.
When we last left Amanda Bynes she was suing Us Weekly for being ugly and/or Asian which now seems pretty impressive considering she spends the majority of her time walking around her apartment complex talking to herself in a secret language while checking smoke detectors for bugs. RadarOnline reports:
The former Nickelodeon star has been “spotted wondering (sic) the halls of her New York City apartment building at all hours of the night. She talks to herself in language that in non-sensical and has been hearing voices. Amanda is also extremely paranoid and thinks there are tracking devices in the smoke alarms in the apartment. She looks completely disheveled and she is scaring some of the other residents in the building with kids,” a source told RadarOnline.com exclusively.
As RadarOnline.com previously reported, Bynes’ has also been smoking a lot of marijuana.
“Amanda’s increasingly disturbing behavior is related to the fact that she smokes pot. It makes her more paranoid and instead of mellowing her out, it does the opposite. Amanda begins talking faster and just can’t seem to sit still,” an insider previously told us.
In related news, as of yesterday, Amanda Bynes now prefers the media only uses photos from this almost year old set when she would walk around LA looking dazed as shit before getting behind the wheel of a steel killing machine that she turned into a delivery system for a drug that makes her talk to toaster ovens. “Eh, people die all the time. Look how skinny those legs are!” – Voices 1-17 in Amanda’s head.