Lindsay Lohan’s ‘Mean Girls’ Sequel Sounds Familiar

September 25th, 2014 // 31 Comments
She Didn't Touch Whitney
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Seen here getting ready to spin her head around while screaming, “Let Jesus fuck you. Let him fuck you!” after blowing her first performance of “Speed-the-Plow,” Lindsay Lohan recently told Time Out London that she pitched Tina Fey a sequel to Mean Girls because, seriously, what else does she have going for her? Non-breast-related:

‘It’s been ten years since ‘Mean Girls’: how do you feel about it looking back?
‘People really love the movie: how do you top that? I was with Tina Fey [‘Mean Girls’ writer] the other day and I said we should do another “Mean Girls”, like an older version where they’re all housewives and they’re all cheating. That would be really funny. I’ll harass Tina to write it.’

“And so they’re like these housewives who are like desperate, and they do all these like desperate housewife things like sleep with the neighbors or even solve murders because they’re just really desperate to do something. These housewives.”
“Lindsay, did you maybe, perhaps steal this idea from somewhere?”
“How dare you?! I’ve never stolen a thing in my life.”
“You just shoved my daughter in your purse.”

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Photos: Fame/Flynet, INFphoto, Splash News

Bill Simmons Suspended For 3 Weeks After Calling Roger Goodell A ‘Liar’

September 25th, 2014 // 47 Comments
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Despite being buried deep in the NFL‘s butthole (Sensing a theme today?), ESPN “Outside The Lines” published an extensive report detailing just how far the NFL and the Baltimore Ravens went to minimize Ray Rice knocking his fiance out in an elevator before dragging her body half out across the floor. They practically bent the legal system to their will and they would’ve got away with it, too, if it wasn’t for TMZ and those meddling vids. So with that information in hand, along with dozens of other contradictory reports, Bill Simmons felt confident enough to go on his podcast Monday night and call Roger Goodell a liar before daring ESPN to tell him he can’t say that. Via Mediaite:

“Goodell, if he didn’t know what was on that tape, he’s a liar,” Simmons said Monday. “I’m just saying it. He is lying. I think that dude is lying. If you put him up on a lie detector test that guy would fail. For all these people to pretend they didn’t know is such fucking bullshit. It really is — it’s such fucking bullshit. And for him to go in that press conference and pretend otherwise, I was so insulted. I really was.”
Later, Simmons dared someone at ESPN to penalize him for speaking out against the NFL. “I really hope somebody calls me or emails me and says I’m in trouble for anything I say about Roger Goodell,” he said. “Because if one person says that to me, I’m going public. You leave me alone. The commissioner’s a liar and I get to talk about that on my podcast.”
“Please, call me and say I’m in trouble,” he added. “I dare you.”

ESPN accepted his challenge: More »

Bear Grylls Proposed To His Wife With A Ring That’d Been Up His Ass

September 25th, 2014 // 30 Comments
Bear Grylls Shara Wife

It’s been a contentious past couple of days, so for a change of pace, here’s a romantic tale of true love and the butthole-concealed engagement ring that bound two souls together. The scene? Bear Grylls and his now-wife Shara skinny-dipping in the ocean where one of them hides a secret that will change their lives forever. A secret… hidden in his butt. Via Uproxx:

“I pulled out the ring from my butt cheeks,” he recalled. “She was standing there going, ‘What are you doing?’ She was in a towel and a massive Atlantic roller came and I went, ‘Will you…’ — and it went — took me up to the beach.”
“I had all the seaweed and I was spinning around,” he related. “So I tried it again and in this sort of moment of heavy sedation she said yes.”

“She got the dysentery something fierce though,” he continued. “But, Piers, if you saw the look in her eyes when that asshole-ensconced ring emerged, you’d know she lived more than two lifetimes just in that moment. It was worth that week in the infirmary wondering if her liver was going to fail. I truly do believe that.”

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Photos: Getty

Chelsea Heath Is Topless Now And Other News

September 25th, 2014 // 19 Comments

- Keira Knightley might be your other new True Detective person. [Lainey Gossip]

- Christopher Walken as Captain Hook is goddamn nightmare fuel. [Dlisted]

- Miranda Kerr‘s ass is just right. [theCHIVE]

- Warning: Marijuana affects the mind. [Fishwrapper]

- “Alright, class, time for vagina cookies!” [The Frisky]

- Amber Rose is divorcing Wiz Khalifa if anyone gives a shit. [WWTDD]

- Drunk women are the real threat, not frat guys who rape them. [Death and Taxes]

- Didn’t Stacy Keibler just have a baby? Jesus Christ. [Popoholic]

- Sarah Hyland thanks her co-stars for helping her ditch a shithead. [tooFab]

- Hel-the-fuck-lo, Alyssa Barbara. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Don’t worry, I still love you, Nina Agdal. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: FameFlynet

The Crap We Missed – Wednesday 9.24.14

September 24th, 2014 // 402 Comments

Welcome to Wednesday’s The Crap We Missed featuring some old favorites who haven’t been around for a while, like Blue Steel Jeremy Renner, Kesha‘s underwear, and Paula Deen, reprising her role on ‘Today’ as the sacrificial lamb, yanking her husband’s beard because they agreed she’d do that whenever she got the urge to snap her fingers at Al Roker and say “Go on and fetch me a sweet tea, boy, and I’ll give you an hour off next week.”

Welcome back, Paula, and no, it hasn’t been long enough, suga,

- Photo Boy

Click Here To Start The Gallery

Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Jessica Simpson’s Baby Is High As Shit

September 24th, 2014 // 19 Comments

Everybody shut up about everything: Eric Johnson throwing Jessica Simpson‘s baby 80 feet in the air is your new shiny object. Is it the cutest thing ever, or the launchpad for a thousand mommy blog posts on child tossing? The world’s your oyster here. As for me, I’m using it to link to photos of Jessica Simpson’s giant breasts because if baby photos aren’t the gateway to boobs then I should probably take this Gwen Stefani post down. Seriously, why didn’t anybody say anything? This on you.

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Photos: Instagram

Rob Schneider Dropped By State Farm For Being An Anti-Vaxxer

September 24th, 2014 // 45 Comments
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WATCH: Rob Schneider's State Farm Commercial
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Because the Internet has been a nightmare Ouroboros lately, here’s a story where online activism actually accomplished something by getting State Farm to drop Rob Schneider for being a retarded anti-vaxxer who thinks vaccines cause autism which they don’t. PR Week reports via Uproxx:

The activists have encouraged consumers with State Farm policies to get involved by contacting their agents and telling them that “someone who publicly states dangerous opinions should not be a spokesperson for a health insurance company.”

Phil Supple, State Farm’s director of public affairs, told PRWeek that the company’s advertising is intended to inform and entertain, but Schneider’s ad had the opposite effect.
“[Schneider’s] ad has unintentionally been used as a platform for discussion unrelated to the products and services we provide,” he said. “With that, we are working to remove the ad from our rotation at this time.”

Oh, wait, never mind. State Farm didn’t drop Rob Schneider out of concern for propping up the shockingly small amount of idiots it takes to medically fuck us all. (Thanks, California.) It did it because the commercial made people talk about a serious and dangerous issue instead of going, “Oh, look, a really old SNL sketch. Let’s buy State Farm Insurance!” Fuck it. I’ll take it. I don’t even care anymore. *swigs scotch* What’re you looking at?!

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Stay The Hell Away From Sarah Hyland’s Ex

September 24th, 2014 // 44 Comments
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Modern Family star Sarah Hyland has filed a restraining order against her allegedly abusive ex-boyfriend Matt Prokop after enlisting the help of Julie Bowen to get out of the relationship. So if you only read this top part, never, ever date this guy. TMZ reports:

According to the docs, Prokop — an actor who once appeared on “Modern Family” — pinned Hyland against a car during an argument about her outfit back in May and unleashed hell … calling her “c**t, c**t, c**t” and choking her.
Hyland says in the docs, “His grip was so tight that I could not breathe or speak. I was scared and in fear for my life.”

Things went even more south when Sarah staged an intervention to get him to move out: More »