Jennifer Lawrence & Chris Martin Stopped F*cking

October 27th, 2014 // 16 Comments

Presumably because Gwyneth Paltrow keeps Chris Martin‘s balls firmly ensconced in a hand-carved Sri Lankan testicle cuplet ($799.95, GOOP), his conscious coupling with Jennifer Lawrence‘s vagina has transcended this plane of reality, according to E! News. Plus it’s not like he can’t see her naked anytime he wan- what? We’re all thinking it. And I’m not even judging her. I’m just saying the guy probably knows how to use Google. Or has what’s-his-face do it, the boy. Methuselah. (Close enough.)

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Photos: Fame/Flynet, Getty, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN

This Is Who Buys A Mold of Farrah Abraham’s Vagina (And Has It Signed)

October 27th, 2014 // 54 Comments
You're A Stripper, Lady
Farrah Abraham is bent over naked with a black choker style chain around her neck and the sex swing in the back
What You're Doing Is Called 'Stripping' Read More »

Dammit, Chris Pratt

Here’s Farrah Abraham selling signed copies of her sex toys at a Hustler Store where she was also dressed as some sort of swan princess because her life is like a beautiful fairy tale, you guys. A beautiful fairy tale full of untold riches and giant vulva rubber molds for anyone to fuck. If Walt Disney were still alive, this would’ve been his next movie. “We’ll call it… Blows Whites! — You’re right, too racist. How about A Dong of The South? The Sword Is A Bone? Pussy and The Beast? Wait, I’ve got it! Bignose And Broomsticks! Excellent! We film at once and, holy shit, did you just say ‘anti-Semitic?’ Is that even a real word? You’re starting to piss me off, talking mouse only I can see.”

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Photos: MPNC/AKM-GSI, Splash News

Lindsay Lohan Is Super Deep, You Guys

October 27th, 2014 // 31 Comments
I Didn't Endorse Anybody
Lindsay Lohan Topless
Quick, Look At My Boobs! Read More »

Over the weekend, Lindsay Lohan appeared on The Jonathan Ross Show with Russell Brand who she’s apparently trying to impress now by dropping deep quotes about capitalism on Instagram. In her bra:

“We swim in the aquarium of capitalism.”

As for where that’s from, I have no fucking clue because every single Google result comes back Lindsay Lohan now. (SEO, ladies and gentlemen!) The same Lindsay Lohan who will lie, cheat, steal, and blow to get her hands on money, so I’m pretty sure she’s the last person to be lecturing anyone on capitalism. Or whatever she’s trying to say here. Who the fuck knows? My point is just tell Russell Brand you have a vagina. Or take somebody’s wheelchair. That involves stealing. You like stealing don’tcha, girl? Yeah, you’re a good girl who likes stealing.

Lindsay Lohan & Russell Brand on ‘The Jonathan Ross Show’ After The Jump

JLo & Iggy Azalea’s Butts Won’t Depress You

October 27th, 2014 // 23 Comments

Thanks to Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, we’ve stared deep into the abyss of human depravity and the blobs of codependency that willingly toss children into it. So for a change of scenery, let’s stare deep into Jennifer Lopez and Iggy Azalea‘s buttholes which is a transition the New York Times wishes it had the balls to pull off, but it’ll probably write about Ebola or some stupid bullshit. Not that I’m bragging. I’m just stating facts.

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Photos: Splash News

Mama June Let Her Pedophile Boyfriend Near Honey Boo Boo

October 27th, 2014 // 69 Comments
June Shannon
Your Own Daughter?
Chickadee Anna Shannon Cardwell
And You Brought This Guy Back? Jesus Christ, Lady Read More »

So here’s all the awfulness that’s spewed out of the Here Comes Honey Boo Boo pedophile shitfest over the weekend which unsurprisingly does get worse than finding out June Shannon‘s convicted child molester boyfriend Mark McDaniel forced her own daughter to perform oral sex on him when she was eight. And if this seems like an overabundance of information with an alarming amount of photograph evidence, I’m almost positive TLC is burning this woman and burning her hard. (They were still filming the show as of mid-September, but I’ll get back to that in a second.) Which, yes, seems pretty hypocritical considering they made millions propping them up on TV, but at the same time, it’s not like the mighty Jabba was letting a convicted sex offender who already molested one daughter near another one which is exactly what’s happening right now. TMZ reports:

Mama June has not only been lying … she’s been exposing her young daughter to a child molester.
Take a look at this pic — taken last month. A smiling June sits on a staircase as her 9-year-old daughter, Honey Boo Boo, is touched gently by the hands of a man who forced oral sex on another one of June’s children … who was a year younger than Honey Boo Boo when she was violated.

And here’s where shit gets really fucked up. You see, Mama June never really believed her daughter Anna Marie Cardwell when she accused Mark McDaniel of molesting her when she was eight, and instead, yelled at her for trying to ruin her life. Yeehaw, #REDNECKLIVIN! People reports: More »

Rich People In Halloween Costumes: Starring Maria Menounos’ Butt

October 27th, 2014 // 52 Comments

And welcome back to the time of year when celebrities get trashed in Halloween costumes every single night for an entire week because they’re just like us minus the whole waking up in the morning to stave off poverty. So here’s the first batch featuring Maria Menounos‘ butt, Cindy Crawford, Elisabetta Canalis, and Mindy Robinson who I apparently need to start paying attention to. Anyway, Heidi Klum should be whipping out an insanely elaborate Halloween costumes any minute now except, just kidding, she already did it the other day. Haha! Renee Zellweger. You people’ll believe anything.

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Photos: EVGA / FANA / Galo Ramirez / HEDO / RAAK NGRE / SPOT / AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Splash News

Matthew McConaughey’s Lincoln Ads Really Are Ridiculous And Other News

October 27th, 2014 // 9 Comments
Jim Carrey Matthew McConaughey Lincoln SNL
WATCH: 'Lincoln Ads' - Saturday Night Live

- JK Rowling is publishing more Harry Potter shit on Halloween. [Lainey Gossip]

- George Clooney‘s wedding is apparently still going on. [Dlisted]

- I Declare You, Queen of The Selfie [theCHIVE]

- Monica Lewinsky is best friends with Alan Cumming. — Sure, why not? [Fishwrapper]

- Kate Hudson will impersonate Matthew McConaughey, too. [The Frisky]

- Hello, Stella Maxwell… [WWTDD]

- Kirk Cameron: “Halloween is a Christian holiday to mock the Obama demon.” [Death and Taxes]

- Kaley Cuoco in booty shorts, anyone? [Popoholic]

- Jessica Simpson has hair?! [tooFab]

- Ariana Grande switched to Kaballah because Catholicism wasn’t having her gay brother. [IDLYITW]

- Jesus Christ, unnamed Guess model person. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Abby Cubey‘s in a bikini. [Celebslam]

- Why is Erin Heatherton breast feeding a monkey? [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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The Most Important People on The Internet:
Volume 4.28

October 25th, 2014 // 41 Comments

Welcome to this week’s installment of The Most Important People on The Internet, and surprise, they’re all about Renee Zellweger‘s face. Okay, maybe not every single one is about her face, but they just as easily could’ve been, there were that many to choose from. So dig in, and if you think whatever Renee Zellweger did to herself is “brave and beautiful,” here’s someone who’s actually brave which is a term I prefer not to use on a Hollywood actress who got plastic surgery and then expects a pat on the back for aging gracefully. (I’m a little salty this morning. Wanna fight about it?)

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