Emily Ratajkowski & Reese Witherspoon In Red

September 29th, 2014 // 18 Comments

You’re probably thinking it’s a dick move to put Reese Witherspoon in a gallery with Emily Ratajkowski, and that I’m only doing it to make another joke about her being pregnant. And you’re right, but before I make the voices stop, I’d like to take a second to compliment Reese for holding her own even while wearing almost the exact same dress. A lesser woman would’ve shrunk from the challenge, but Reese Witherspoon not only stabbed adversity with her chin but yelled, “Fuck you, I’m pregnant!” right into its face. I saw the whole thing.

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Photos: JosiahW / MPNC / AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

‘Please, Just Let Me Look At Fashion With My Tits And My Baby’

September 29th, 2014 // 41 Comments

“Guys, guys, please. I’m just a working mom trying to sit front row at a Paris fashion show with my tits and my baby. And Kanye West. I don’t know how you always show up when I’m out with my tits and my baby, and Kanye West, but you probably think I’m going to get tackled again with my tits and my baby. And Kanye West. Well, let me tell you one thing I’d never pay a Ukrainian comedian to tackle: My tits and my baby. Not that I paid one the first time nor is it convenient that happened while I didn’t have my tits and my baby out. You know what? Let’s look at my tits and my baby now. Have you seen my tits and my baby? Let them into your mind…”

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Photos: Abaca / Vantagenews / Xposure / AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Jennifer Lopez & Leah Remini Hit By Drunk Driver

September 29th, 2014 // 26 Comments
Jennifer Lopez & Iggy Azalea
Jennifer Lopez Booty Ft Iggy Azalea Video Screencaps
Ass Videos Are The New Twerking Read More »

According to Jennifer Lopez‘s Instagram, she has a butt. And while that seems as good a place as any to wrap this post up because its work here is done, she also apparently got hit by a drunk driver on Saturday while sitting at a red light with Leah Remini and their kids in the car. Fortunately, nobody was hurt except for JLo who only speaks in hashtags now:

Sitting at a light, Riding high right before some drunk fool rear ended us in my new whip!!! Thank god everyone ok!!! #GRATEFUL #THANKYOUGOD #DontdrinkandDrive!!!! #cursedthatfoolout #theBronxcameout #dontmesswithmycocnuts #mamabear #leahstayedcalm #thatwasweird

According to police reports, the driver identified himself as “Com Truise” before levitating into the air with telekinetic space beams, so good luck figuring out whoever that was. It might as well have been a ghost.

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We Live In A World Where George Clooney Is Married

September 29th, 2014 // 41 Comments
George Clooney Is Engaged
The George Clooney? STFU Read More »

“Alzheimer’s. Had it for months now. So who’s the poor shmuck getting married?”

If someone walked up to me and said, “Hey, did you hear George Clooney got married?” I’d punch that person square in the mouth for telling a lie so ridiculous I’d have legal grounds to sue for custody of his kids and win. And that’s with knowing George Clooney’s been engaged since April and just had a wedding two days ago. Except here we are because not only did he actually marry Amal Alamuddin*punches self in face* You sonofabitch! – he didn’t even execute her at the altar as a warning to future girlfriends which I bet significant amounts of money would happen and now have to change my identity. (I mean, pay Meatball Tony first thing tomorrow. Haha! *looks for passport*) Which raises the important question of who the hell did she catch him fucking? Because right now my short list is Kate Middleton and one of Brad Pitt‘s kids. And if that last one seems out of line, George Clooney got married. Everything’s on the table.

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Photos: CIAO/Xposure/AKM-GSI

Jesus, Maitland Ward, Let Me Get Some Coffee First And Other News

September 29th, 2014 // 26 Comments

- Total Recall probably didn’t help Jessica Biel land a part in True Detective. [Lainey Gossip]

- Chelsea Clinton had a baby. [Dlisted]

- There Are Sexy Chivers Among Us [theCHIVE]

- Okay, the NFL isn’t all bad. You got me. [The Mighty]

- But just in case, Adrianne Curry promises to murder her son if he beats woman. [Fishwrapper]

- Chris Pratt on SNL just exploded the Internet’s panties. [The Frisky]

- Tyler Perry got a woman pregnant? That can’t be right. [WWTDD]

- This American Life didn’t drop-kick shit. These assholes will still be our ruling class. [Death and Taxes]

- That’s Vanessa Hudgens‘ ass in leggings. [Popoholic]

- Avril Lavigne turned 30 without Chad Kroeger. [tooFab]

- Settle down, Demi Lovato. [IDLYITW]

- Amanda Cerny getting an ice cream facial, anyone? [Hollywood Tuna]

- The Sexiest Social Media Pics of The Week [Celebslam]

- Goddamn, Mara Teigen. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: Splash News

Anna Kendrick & Cara Delevingne Are Your New Fappening

September 29th, 2014 // 32 Comments
The Fappening 2
Kim Kardashian Ass Swimsuit Instagram
Aw, Did Someone Feel Left Out? Read More »

So it looks like we’re going to do this every weekend now because Anna Kendrick and Cara Delevingne are your latest celebrities to have nude photos leaked online by “hackers,” according to Gawker, who also reports a bunch of other people were in this batch except I have no idea who half of them are:

Misty-May Treanor
Alexandra Chando
Kelli Garner
Brook Burns
Lauren O’Neil
Briana Evigan

There were also more Jennifer Lawrence pics because apparently she’s our nation’s most abundant source of amateur pornography. In the meantime, you’ll notice I’m not linking to any of these pics thanks to the Emma Watson 4-chan circle-jerk that left the Internet shaking its damn head and wondering what its doing with its life. I will, however, link to topless photos of Cara Delevingne on a nude beach because they’re legal and coating things with a hypocritical tinge is this year’s salted caramel. Remember how people went nuts over salted caramel? That’s the kind of shit we should really be talking about. How do we make that stop happening?

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Photos: Getty

The Most Important People on The Internet:
Volume 4.25

September 27th, 2014 // 27 Comments

Welcome to this week’s installment of The Most Important People on The Internet where a lot of you apparently had trouble coping with the loss of Sam Elliott’s mustache as you goddamn should. What kind of a sick, twisted world is this? Get me out of it! GET ME OUT OF HERE! – *breathes into paper bag* – There’s no point to anything more. – *breathes* – There’s just no point… More »

The Crap We Missed – Friday 9.26.14

September 26th, 2014 // 366 Comments

Welcome to Friday’s The Crap We Missed that features a shot of Shia LaBeouf, or more accurately, the outline of his stupid dick, which I thought we could all have some innocent fun with. Maybe laugh at it and reflect on how utterly vacuous and soulless Megan Fox has to be to have ever let that thing inside of her. Then I read the caption which informed me that he’s doing an art installation called ‘meta-marathon,’ prompting me for whatever reason (because I’m sick, I’m goddamn sick) to Google that shit and instantly find out that’s already a real thing in Italy. No, really. At this point, calling him out on this shit would probably only result in him starting a blog where he points out what a flaming douchefuck of a plagiarist he is, so I don’t know what to do anymore.

Uh, here, here’s some butts. Just look at these butts and leave me alone,

- Photo Boy

Click Here To Start The Gallery

Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, Pacific Coast News, Splash News