“Hey, you can’t follow me here. I’m a member of the LPGA. I have rights!”
Now that Bruce Jenner has the finely shaved Adam’s apple of a young man making a him a precision aerodynamic machine of speed and looking like a lesbian, he doesn’t need Keeping Up With The Kardashians anymore. Or Hollywood at all. They’re just wind in his – *puts on sunglasses* – drag. TMZ reports, and almost forgot, HYEEEEEEAAHHHH:
Sources connected to both the Kardashian family and the production tell TMZ … Bruce will NOT come back for another season of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” if the network picks it up. The family is currently shooting the last installment of the series … and even if it gets renewed we’re told Bruce wants out.
Bruce now reluctantly takes part in the show … but only when it’s absolutely necessary. Whenever possible he’ll shoot his scenes in Malibu — where he now lives.
We’re told Bruce has a clear vision of his life as soon as the season ends … golfing, spending time with his kids — off camera — flying helicopters and riding motorcycles.
And marrying k.d. lang in a spirit ceremony. TMZ forgot marrying k.d. lang in a spirit ceremony. They should probably check their computers.
Photos: Splash News
- Taylor Lautner is an acceptable comedy replacement for Andy Samberg now. [Lainey Gossip]
- I’ll assume these are instructional moves for Kylie. [Dlisted]
- Yesterday really was Ass Day, wasn’t it? [theCHIVE]
- Even Madonna hates Madonna music. [Fishwrapper]
- Keep telling kids who’ve been molested it’s their fault, Bob Jones University. Fine preachin’. [The Frisky]
- Soleil Moon Frye‘s son doesn’t stand a chance. [tooFab]
- Jerry O’Connell
plagiarzed performance arted Shia LaBeouf. [BuzzFeed]
- Vanessa Hudgens in Fuck Me boots, anyone? [Popoholic]
- Kelly Brook‘s curves are sacred, goddammit. SACRED. [Hollywood Tuna]
- Lebanese Olympic skier Jackie Chamoun also does topless photos. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]
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Photos: Getty, Splash News
I’ve always lived under the impression that Lil Kim‘s uterus was replaced with a diamond studded Mrs. Potato Head, so I’m honestly trying to process this information along with alerting Interpol that someone found Hitler’s long-range birthing gun and that it looks like this. Us Weekly reports:
Lil’ Kim took to the stage at The Blonds Fashion Week after-party in New York City on Wednesday night, Feb. 12, to announce her pregnancy. “I’m a mom, but I can turn it up a little!” she said as she rubbed her belly.
Indeed, the 39-year-old rapper doesn’t plan on slowing down any time soon. “I’m still going to work,” she tells Us. “I’m still going to be hardcore. The baby has made me even more of a beast!”
So the baby’s a plastic surgeon, too? This is all getting way too confusing, so I’m just going to do the polite thing here and be positive: Yay! We get to see what a black Chucky would look like! Whoopee!
Photos: Fame/Flynet, Getty, Splash News
Welcome to Wednesday’s The Crap We Missed, coming at you before tomorrow’s all day snow and ice dickpunch. In anticipation of nature throwing another tree into my circuit breaker, I ressurected the Final Five again and stuffed it full of Gloria’s ass. But before you deplete your battery life gazing into that and then knife your family over the last can of Beefaroni, check out Ireland Baldwin pre-Instagram filter, or GAH! as I’m calling it, Pope Francis‘ first miracle – feeding an entire crowd with only three balloon penises, and this series of shots from whatever the hell this movie is starring Ted with a cock, because we can all agree that great parody begins and ends with dick jokes.
Wait, did I just negate our entire creative process? EJECT!
- Photo Boy
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Photo: Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, WENN
While everyone’s squirting digital ink over Shia LaBeouf actually going through with his art exhibit he ripped off Marina Abramovic, here’s a story from the set of Nymphomaniac when he wasn’t trying to disguise his penchant for plagiarism with performance art bullshit and was more focused on the cinematic qualities of dick cameras. Page Six reports:
“Shia had wanted von Trier to put a camera on his penis while filming, so that audiences could have the full experience,” said an insider, but it would have been too much for viewers. (And for his co-star). The film centers on a beaten woman who recalls her varied erotic experiences.
No camera on my dick, I show up to your premiere with a bag over my head. Seems fair enough. As for how this new, artistically alive Shia is going over with the independent film world? Not fucking well: More »
“Okay, now give me a look that says, ‘I made this all happen with my mind and soon will take over the world.’ *click* Perfect!”
Because boundaries have always been a core part of the Seymour-Brant family, here’s Stephanie Seymour posing for an erotic photo shoot in Harper’s Bazaar with her sons Boner Boy and Harry Brant who I had no idea existed because I haven’t seen him get an erection from his mother’s breasts. Then again, I guess this is one way to de-gay a son, or make sure this happens at college:
“Tell me, Peter… *takes off blouse* Do you like my breasts?”
“No, mother, I will NOT clean my room! Sorry, I’m sorry. Reflex action. Why are they so small?”
Photos: Sebastian Faena/Harper’s Bazaar