Good Morning, Maitland Ward, And Other News

August 15th, 2014 // 29 Comments

- Hopefully Reese Witherspoon didn’t have to pronounce any stupid French last names. [Lainey Gossip]

- Katy Perry admits she isn’t very smart. You fucked John Mayer. We know. [Dlisted]

- Meet the Chivettes of ChiveFest Denver [theCHIVE]

- Khloe Kardashian can officially add “gun-toting video ho” to her resume. [Fishwrapper]

- Sveva Alviti is some model that’s topless. [WWTDD]

- If You’re Privileged And You Know It, STFU [The Frisky]

- What’s up, Jordana Brewster? [Popoholic]

- Apparently Robin Williams had Parkinson’s. Awkward. [Starpulse]

- Wait, Donald Trump has a hot 20-year-old daughter? [tooFab]

- Hello, Josephine Skriver… [Hollywood Tuna]

- Jessica Alba cleans up well. [Celebslam]

- Even Miley Cyrus is pretending to be a lesbian now. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: Splash News

The Crap We Missed – Thursday 8.14.14

August 14th, 2014 // 462 Comments

Welcome to Thursday’s The Crap We Missed featuring Mickey Rourke‘s hilariously fake hairline, Yanni‘s incomprehensible throng of tween fans, and that dude who drank jizz in American Pie taking a selfie onstage with Blues Traveler for some reason. What’s that? Stifler was the dude who drank the jizz? You’re forgetting that I have a drinking problem I’m the guy whose job it is to find random asses and post them online. How much satisfaction are you really going to get by pointing out my stupidity?

Enjoy reevaluating your life choices for the rest of the afternoon,

- Photo Boy

Click Here To Start The Gallery

Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Kendall Jenner’s Threatening To Sue Waitress Who Allegedly Wouldn’t Serve Her Booze

August 14th, 2014 // 20 Comments
Holy Shit Yessss!
Kim Kardashian Nipples Giant Breasts Ill Fitting Bra Tight See Through Shirt
O.J. Simpson Is Obsessed With Kim Read More »

Yesterday, we posted about a New York City waitress who claimed Kendall Jenner threw money in her face after she stormed out of the restaurant when management refused to serve her alcohol. Except now Kendall’s suing the waitress although not denying that she was at the restaurant or “accidentally” walked out. TMZ reports:

Singer says in the letter … what actually happened was that the waitress did come up to her outside but Jenner was “extremely apologetic” and gladly paid what she owed — $33, plus a $7 tip … which she “politely handed” to her.
Singer says, “Although you are working as a waitress at Mercer Kitchen, I understand you are also a struggling actress,” adding, “You no doubt concocted a fictionalized account of your encounter with my client in order to create publicity for yourself.”

And while all that sounds like a plausible scenario lawyers are paid well to bring up, here’s where Kendall shoots her entire defense to shit on Twitter:

these rumors r absolutely ridiculous! I would never throw money in anyone’s face or act that disrespectfully. I was raised better than that

You were raised by a woman who orchestrated the release of your half-sister’s sex tape so the entire family could get on TV and sell you and your younger sister’s souls for millions of dollars and a rapper’s baby as a retirement plan. So a more convincing response would’ve been: “I would never throw money in anyone’s face or act that disrespectfully. I was raised by literally anyone but my mother. A pack of stray dogs one time.”

Photo: Instagram

Lourdes Leon Is Smoking

August 14th, 2014 // 19 Comments

Get it? Because she’s both literally smoking and figuratively looking attract- Never mind. Here’s Lourdes Leon in Cannes yesterday where I want everyone to take careful note that I’m not at all suggesting she’s smoking marijuana. There could be anything inside that rolling paper, and I for one am certainly not hinting, hey, maybe it’s weed. Let’s nip that right in the bud – that Lourdes is not smoking. On that note, I need to circle my house with goat’s blood before her mother sees- holy shit, that was flapping. I just heard flapping. I didn’t even hit publish yet! Oh, god, her talons are so sharp!

Photo: Splash News, Xposure/AKM-GSI

Are Taylor Swift & Karlie Kloss Lesbians?

August 14th, 2014 // 28 Comments

Yesterday, there was a big to-do over Taylor Swift and Karlie Kloss possibly being lesbian lovers after Gawker reported on The Daily Mail pulling down a piece about them living together which could just as easily be explained by the fact that they don’t. Except that still leaves unanswered questions like why hasn’t Taylor Swift written a song lately about a boy who dumped her for planning their wedding on the second date? And if they’re not lesbians, how come I can see them having sex when I close my eyes? Also, there’s the matter of this: More »

Farrah Abraham Is (Even More Of) A Stripper Now

August 14th, 2014 // 18 Comments
Don't Insult Jessica Alba
Jessica Alba Bikini
She Looks Nothing Like You Read More »

Despite being a noted Christian author and purveyor of fine vulvic goods, somehow Farrah Abraham recently took a waitressing job at an Austin strip club where she mysteriously started taking her clothes off for money. It was the strangest thing and not like her at all. E! News reports:

“She was hired a couple of weeks ago as a cocktail waitress but wanted to make more money dancing, so they moved her up to the stage,” the insider dished. “She was on all three stages, the main stage and two side stages.”

But don’t worry, you guys, there’s a perfectly logical explanation for all this, and it’s Farrah Abraham is exactly like Jennifer Aniston. I already feel stupid for thinking it could be anything else. I should know better. More »

Joe Scarborough Is A Little Bitch

August 14th, 2014 // 79 Comments
Joe Scarborough

Yesterday, Wesley Lowery of The Washington Post and Ryan Reilly from Huffington Post were arrested at a Ferguson, Mo. McDonald’s when armed officers entered and started asking them for IDs even though they were wearing press lanyards. When Wesley and Ryan asked why, they got this response:

They didn’t press the point, but one added that if we called 911, no one would answer.

From there, Lowery and Reilly were arrested after they filmed the cops just up and deciding to clear out all the reporters. The two were hauled off to the police station where they were eventually released with no paperwork or reason for their arrest. It’s the type of government overreach/police state that Republicans are always screaming about except this one’s aimed at black people, so why isn’t Obama handing out presidential commendations? Which brings us to Joe Scarborough, sitting comfortably in his New York studio, who thinks Lowery and Reilly just wanted attention and should’ve bent right over for the police. Via Mediaite: More »

O.J. Simpson Is Obsessed With Kim Kardashian, Yesssssssssss

August 14th, 2014 // 37 Comments
Keep Robbing These People
Kim Kardashian Cleavage Midriff Huge Disgusting Fat Ass SiriusXM Studios
You're Doing The Lord's Work Read More »

It’s been a week of shitty news followed by shitheads capitalizing on said shit, so here’s a ray of sunshine piercing through the storm: O.J. Simpson is sitting in jail obsessing over Kim Kardashian and could get out as early as 2017! Is anyone else doing the pee-pee dance? I’m doing the pee-pee dance. Radar reports:

“He has several sexy pictures of Kim hanging up in his prison cell from her 2007 Playboy shot and he isn’t shy about showing her picture to fellow inmates,” an insider told us.

Simpson joked to a pal, “She likes black ball players, I am a Hall of Famer — and I still have my Heisman award,” a dig at Kardashian’s former boyfriend Reggie Bush who gave back his college football Heisman trophy after it came to light of some unethical dealings he was involved during his college playing days.

Not creepy enough for you? Let me check in the back. Wait one second. More »