Gwyneth Paltrow Still Has Chris Martin Whipped

September 24th, 2014 // 7 Comments
Bully To Your Peasant Rules
Gwyneth Paltrow School Bus Vespa
No One Tells Gwyneth Not To Ride Her Vespa Read More »

Chris Martin‘s consciously uncoupled life may seem awesome, and full of Jennifer Lawrence‘s vagina, but at the end of the day, Gwyneth Paltrow is apparently still in control of his schedule. Which still affords him time to bang Jennifer Lawrence, so already this post is on shaky ground. We’re off to a good start. Daily Mail reports:

‘She’s drawn up a rota to balance his time living life as a bachelor and seeing Jennifer with honouring their many family commitments.’
They say Chris, 37, is ‘torn’ that Gwyneth has this much power over him, even though she was the one who ended their marriage.
‘Gwyneth still has a lot of control over him, which isn’t exactly desirable to prospective girlfriends,’ the source tells the magazine.
‘The way things are are the moment, no sane person would want to be an accessory to their conscious uncoupling.’

“Gwyneth, love, it says here I’m supposed to spend 12:15 to 6:45 tomorrow meditating in front of the religion shelf with you and the children after ‘crafting our own Chakra mat with only gluten-free ingredients?’ How am I supposed to have sex with Jennifer Lawrence?”
“You have a 25 minute window on Friday, Christopher. I don’t quite see the problem. Or you could defy me and watch as your balls remain in my hand-coiffed Belgian testicle menagerie instead of being freed for your little trollop. The choice is yours.”
“I’ll be good!”

Photos: Raef-Ramirez/AKM-GSI

Dakota Johnson’s In A Bikini

September 24th, 2014 // 10 Comments

Everything about the Emma Watson situation makes me want to rub magnets all over the Internet before pissing in its open ports (Wow, that was oddly specific.), so here’s Dakota Johnson in a bikini which is great for you because now you can tell people you saw her butt next to a rock way before everyone knew her as that one chick who got fisted in that movie. And that’s just a taste of the full media experience I bring to the table.

THE SUPERFICIAL: Showing you people doing stuff, next to things.

Photos: CIAO/AKM-GSI

The Emma Watson Nude Photo Threat Was A Bullshit Marketing Stunt

September 24th, 2014 // 53 Comments
Wielding The Fappening
Emma Watson Ban Ki-Moon HeForShe Campaign Launch United Nations
Which Turned Out To Be A Hoax Read More »

Over the past few days, the Internet lit up with a story that members of 4chan were allegedly threatening to release nude photos of Emma Watson in retaliation for her speech on feminism at the U.N. It even got my attention because if this shit is true (which it wasn’t), it’s pretty fucked up. And after posting it about yesterday, I heard from several commenters that, “No, man, you got it all wrong. 4chan wouldn’t do this. It’s a family place where we do balloon animals now. Now, 8chan. 8chan is where this probably happened.” And then there were of course the commenters going, “Yeah, she needs to shut up,” and, “Keep feminism out of MY GAMES,” because there is still a subculture inside 4chan with a history of violent, rape-filled rhetoric toward women, not to mention where The Fappening started, which made all of this entirely believable. Except everyone was wrong because it was a viral marketing stunt from a company who claims it was hired by celebrity publicists to discredit and ultimately shutdown 4chan. Via Mashable:

The website surrounding the false leaks, EmmaYouAreNext.com, threatened to release nude photographs of the 24-year-old actress and included a clock counting down to Saturday at midnight ET. The person who posted the website said it was in retaliation for Watson’s well-received speech that she gave at the United Nations on Sept. 20.
However, by midnight on Wednesday, the URL redirected to Rantic Marketing’s website. Watson’s face and the countdown clock has been replaced with a banner that says, “#shutdown4chan” and an open letter to President Barack Obama that claims celebrity publicists hired the marketing company to popularize a call for Internet censorship and the end of 4chan.

So let me tell you what was accomplished here: 1. Everyone’s seeing the words <Rantic Marketing now, so great job for them. Mission accomplished. 2. Any further, legitimate discussions on nude photo hacks and violent rhetoric toward women on the Internet – which they claim was the purpose – can now be slapped with a big ol’ “Just A Hoax” label for quick and easy dismissal. So again, super job. Great work.

UPDATE: And Rantic Marketing is a fake company. I hate everything. *buries face in bikini photos*

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Photos: Getty, INFphoto, Splash News, WENN

Good Morning, Ashley Lee, And Other News

September 24th, 2014 // 13 Comments

- Chris Pratt has to put up with Ariana Grande this weekend. [Lainey Gossip]

- Paula Deen is changed, y’all. [Dlisted]

- Girls Tugging On Their Clothes is why we Internet. [theCHIVE]

- James Franco is still writing shitty poetry about not banging Lindsay Lohan. [Fishwrapper]

- My mom wouldn’t let me watch The Simpsons until I was 16. And then there’s this lady. [The Frisky]

- Miranda Lambert bikini photos, anyone? [WWTDD]

- Kevin Sorbo used the NFL to bring up Benghazi. Okay… [Death and Taxes]

- Sometimes you have to look at Sofia Vergara‘s butt. [Popoholic]

- And a Wookiee’s. [tooFab]

- Beyonce has a three-year-old half-sister. [IDLYITW]

- Nicole Meyer belongs in lingerie. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Taylor Swift apparently wears underwear. Good to know. [Celebslam]

- And for a change of pace, Anais Zanotti eating ice cream. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: FameFlynet

The Crap We Missed – Tuesday 9.23.14

September 23rd, 2014 // 360 Comments

Welcome to Tuesday’s The Crap We Missed that’s got a ripe Bill & Hilary Clinton photo just primed for a variety of jokes that I know in my heart will only end in you guys focusing on that time he banged a fat chick with a cigar. This is why we’re all friends. Friends that never hang out, or verbally speak to one another, yet find comradery in our effort to stave away the perpetual darkness of adult life with the light of just one dick joke aimed at complete strangers. Complete strangers like Mark Harmon with his thinning hair and yellow teeth. HA! He’s aging in the exact predictable way in which we all are/will some day! Fucking idiot!!

LOOK! DANNY DEVITOS SCRATCHING HIS DICK BECAUSE IT PROBABLY ITCHES EWW GROSS WHO DOES THAT? ZOMG!!1

- Photo Boy

Click Here To Start The Gallery

Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

On Emma Watson And The Shitheads Threatening Her With The Fappening

September 23rd, 2014 // 158 Comments
4chan's Off The Hook
Emma Watson Noah Premiere Berlin
It Was A Viral Marketing Stunt Read More »

UPDATE: At midnight Wednesday ET, Rantic (which is apparently a fake marketing company) took credit for this viral stunt which was supposedly aimed to discredit and shutdown 4chan. I have no clue anymore.

Let me start out by defining my absolutely questionable relationship with The Fappening, so I look slightly less hypocritical here. For starters, like anyone writing about The Fappening(s) whether to condemn it or go, “Holy shit, boobs!” it’s been a goddamn SEO boon, the lifeblood of any site. We’re all drinking deeply from the same trough no matter how you dress it up. That said, I have never entertained the thought that the celebrities who take nude photos (See? I’m doing it right there.) are “sluts” or “whores” that were asking for it. Except for maybe Kim Kardashian who uses a Blackberry yet somehow ended up being included in an iCloud hack, but I digress. I will, however, admit to being largely indifferent to the cause of “celebrity privacy” and operate under the belief that they willingly traded it to be in the spotlight. Does that mean their phones should be illegally hacked and private photos leaked online? Not at all. Am I not losing sleep over it and viewing it as the toothpaste’s already out of the tube? Yes, but keep in mind, I’m kind of an asshole. And for the record, if this shit happened to men, you’re goddamn wrong if you think I wouldn’t milk the SEO out of their dongs. I’d milk it so hard. Anyway, all of this is becoming moot thanks to a group of alleged 4chan members [Ed. Note: Or not. Maybe? I hate the Internet. - SW] deciding to wield these hacks like a club to shame Emma Watson for – GASP! – mildly extolling the virtues of feminism. Here are exact words which apparently aren’t for the faint of balls. Via Death and Taxes: More »

Daphne Joy’s In A Bikini

September 23rd, 2014 // 27 Comments

You’re probably wondering how I can just go from a post defending Emma Watson and the virtues of feminism to Daphne Joy bikini photos, and it’s simple, really. I push “Publish,” and then people go, “Good heavens, are those ass and titties?” before clicking on each photo hundreds of thousands of times which somehow makes me money to write whatever bullshit I want. I have no idea how it keeps happening.

This has been another exciting installment of, “At Least I’m Not Dealing Drugs, Mom.”

Photos: Splash News

The Third Boob Is A Lie

September 23rd, 2014 // 27 Comments
Jasmine Tridevil Third Boob
Previously In Fake Breasts
Courtney Stodden Cleavage Doug Hutchison World Of Wonder
What The Hell's Happening Here? Read More »

Like anyone who’s seen Total Recall and a boob, I was captivated by the tale of Jasmine Tridevil, the Florida (natch) woman who allegedly gave herself a third breast in hopes of landing a reality show because the Kardashians are a cancer. Except I have terrible news about this bold new future we’ve finally arrived in. It’s a house of lies. Via Jezebel:

Tridevil lifted her shirt up for all of two seconds, revealing the middle breast—which by the way, doesn’t look like human skin in that light—and not revealing the point at which the purported boob is attached. When the investigative action news reporter asked if she could ” hold it up a little longer so we can get a better shot of it,” she stated that she didn’t feel comfortable with it just yet.

On top of that, The Daily Dot spoke to a plastic surgeon who pointed out that nobody in the field would risk losing their job installing a third tit, but on the off-chance they did, there’s no way in hell it’d look like like a deformed tiny tit between two real ones:

“This technique would create a tight, round breast in the center of the chest,” he said. “Also, all three breasts will likely be connected because it would be impossible to create and maintain separation between all three round structures. The photos show a soft, pendulous breast that is clearly separate from the right and left breast. She essentially has a hanging breast, and it is just not reflective of what we would be able to expect from this reconstruction procedure.”

In related news, millions of men across the Internet are slowly coming to terms with the fact that they’d probably have sex with a woman wearing a fake third tit and wondering what’s wrong with their wives and/or girlfriends for not even putting it on the table. Is it because of the curtains? It’s because of the curtains. Goddammit.

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